Fortune told

By the talented Amanda Huggenkiss.

I went back to the bank for my 'investments review'.

Before I booked it I told them I wasn't interested in anything where I couldn't get my money out of it if I really really need to. EG if/when Idiot Girl cocks it up and needs another £14K bailout.

No problem sir, we can do that!

Fast forwards to today.

So how long am I looking at investing?
Er, short term, maybe 3 years?

Ok, well we've got this one. You put your money in, and can't get it back for 5 years. After 5 years you get a minimum of 12% return, and if the stock market has risen you get a bonus too! Isn't that great!

Er, no. No it's isn't. 5 years is longer than 3 years you see. And I can't get the money out if I need to. And if the stock market goes tits up like is is doing now your 12% is only 2% per year compounded. Have you got anything else?

We've got this one... ~shows paper~... Er, that's the same as the last one, but profit is linked to retail prices instead. Anything else?

Er, we've got both of them for 3 years and 9 months? Er, no.

Well, the best we can offer then is this post only bank account, that pays 2%. I'd move the money there as you're only getting 0.5% since we pulled a swifty with the interest rate.

I see... Thank you for your time... I think I may call in at the bank across the street who are offering 3.15% with no restrictions in the hope that they can pull a swifty and drop the rate later. Again, thank you!

Ooops! I SPICED it again

Time for another attempt at a S.P.I.C.E event.

The mission this time: Go to the park. Where they have segways. Experience the future of transportation.... or not given they're actually illegal to use on anything other than private land.

First challenge: Go to the park. Easy! Tap postcode in sat nav, drive!

Oh, there's a nice lady who wants £5.50 to park my car in her car park. I think I've discovered where the national trust gets all it's money from. She gives me a glossy leaflet, and the hard sell. If I join the national trust today not only will I get my £5.50 back, and not have to pay if I come again, but I can also have a free ticket to tonight's concert. Hmmmmm.... who is at said concert?
Ah.... headlined by 'level 42'. National trust membership £50. Er... no thank you.

Next challenge: Meet at the segway van in the centre of the park. Define centre? Said park has lots of trees, so visibility is less than 100 yards.

Eventually I stumble on said van, for my bonus challenge! The other spice people are there. For reasons unknown they assume I am the segway man. er, no, no I'm not. So plz to stop asking me questions.

The real segway man arrives soon after, on a segway. It is explained that you stand on it, and how to make it move. I miss a lot of the explaining, as I'm too busy struggling with the compulsory (too small) head protection. Curse my big head!

I climb aboard, and it wobbles around randomly in a quite alarming fashion. I'm suddenly 12 again on a skateboard going down a big hill and trying to remember how to stop. We are told to experiment in going about said field for about 3 minutes. I move in circles at 0.5 mph. This is not too bad....

Segway man says "follow me" and blasts off at 12mph flat out. Oh. I follow more slowly. Plz to not let it be me that crashes first...... and it isn't! MS. overconfident hits a post with it. Yay! I'm not the first to fail!

Five minutes later and I'm actually feeling a lot better. It's quite instinctive, basically lean the direction you want to go. The more you put your weight forwards the faster it goes. Simples!

Segway man (the bastard) decides to make it harder. Right turn into the woods. Lets off road! Try not to hit things! Bastard!

Confidence comes back after a while, which is a good thing as he's had the idea of going faster around all these trees. The woman I'm following (Rose) is obviously not too comfortable at speed, but is attempting to keep up with SMTB.
It all goes wrong in that slow motion fast sort of way when Rose drives into a bloody great big tree at warp factor 5. I get a prime view of her being thrown off, flying thru the air into spiky bushes. Fortunately I don't make things worse by running over her as well. I get off the damn thing and express concern for injury. Eventually SMTB realises two of his machines are missing, and returns to see if we have stolen them.
She has a rapidly swelling knee, and is in shock but bravely/stupidly gets back on. We continue at more sensible speeds for the remaining 30 mins.

Post segway comes the final challenge: Food + talking. Very hard!
Makes note to self if I'm going to do this sort of thing I need some 'interesting' stories of how brilliant I am, and all the places I've been if I am to fit in. Nah, bugger that! Accept me as who I am, or don't.

Overall SPICE score: Baby Spice.

Epilogue:
Next day my legs ache a lot. I email Rose to enquire about her health. The end.

Money

I got a phone call from the bank. Would I like to have a free savings review?

Yes, yes I would. Given you're the bank that likes to change the interest rate to 0.25% without telling people.

So I went to the bank. Hello, I'm here for a free savings review.
~Tappity~, er, no you're not. Computer says no. The nice lady phones round the other branches of the bank, and it turns out I'm supposed to be in one on the other side of town. That I never use. Ok...

Arrived at the correct branch. Hello the people who have my money! Come this way... I'll just print out what savings you have with us, and then we can discuss things. ~Printy Printy~

OMFG! You have money! Er, excuse me one moment!

She returns shortly with an older woman... Hello, my colleague tells me you have more than a shilling in accounts with us.... Do you really need all that money instantly available, or would you like to book an appointment for a free investments review?

So I'm going back next week for them to try and sell me other things instead.

It's very amusing watching them trying to link up the scruffy individual with the money in the accounts.

What do I do for a living?
Evilbay seller. I sell things on evilbay!
What sort of things?
Oh, stuff....
You must be very good at it?
No, not really.....

The thing they're missing, and are trying to work out is I'm not like normal people.
True, I have enough money saved to purchase a small house. But it's not because I make lots of money. In fact I earn less than half of the 'average' wage.

Anyone could be the same. Just modify your lifestyle to that of the 40 year old virgin living in your parent's basement. Don't borrow money, don't spend what you can't afford. Stay away from blonde bloggers with good sob stories. Don't 'lend' money to your Idiot sister.

Voila! You too will have money. And will also prolly be miserable most of the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lazy blog: double feature!
You can tell how old someone is by asking them which is the definitive version of this song:

The beatles?


Or flying lizards?


(I'm firmly with the lizards btw).
Anyone who goes for the Josie & the pussycats version should be killed.

Kegenomics

Idiot girl has returned from holiday with the rite keg krew. Sadly, it was all quite lacking in kegs.

Initial 'complaint' was her car used a bajillion gallons of fuel, and she wasn't expecting it to. To refresh memories, she has a kia picanto now. A small city car with a 1.1 litre engine. That is designed to be used in the city for short journeys. Ergo, they are low geared for rapid acceleration. What it definitely isn't is a long distance motorway cruiser.
I breifly drove it on the motorway fetching it back. It does 4000 rpm @ 65 mph. I guess if you drive @ 85 like idiot girl does it's probably bouncing off the rev limiter and screaming for death.

Also complained that it cost £6 a time per person to get a taxi for kegs. Er, a) next time don't get somewhere in the sticks and b) Tourist area, what do you expect?

She's also 'finished' with twonko #2. Quote "I told him, get the f*** out of my car and drove off". He's coming here this weekend for a full discussion about their future "but there isn't one"....

However, this is idiot girl..... it's over..... but.... she's going camping the week after for another rite keg. Twonko 2 is the one with the tent & camping stuff.... Zero points for guessing who she's going to go camping with...

Her elective surgery has been postponed. which means she has to go to work instead. This must have made her very sad, for tonight she tried to end it all by driving her horse into a tree. Sadly she's not hurt enough to be able to take time off work.

***************

In other news, now she's not going to be needing waiting on hand and foot following surgery, I am going to have a day off. I'm going to go on the Scarborough Spa Express. I suspect it wouldn't qualify as a keg on the idiot girl scale, but I think it will be jolly relaxing...

Old <> Worthless

I'm woken by loud mechanical tortured sounds. Something is very wrong. I follow the noise.

I find Ma Ma, and the washing machine emitting said noise. Ma Ma, what have you done to this lady?
Ma Ma says it's old, so perfectly fine to ignore that it sounds like it's about to explode. Wrong. Wrong to N decimal places. Turn it off, I will fix it later.

Later arrives. I am again told it's old (True, it says in proud letters 'made in great Britain'), and she intends to run it till it blows and then replace with a new machine. Er, no. I remove 3 screws and the lid comes off. Hmm, what do we have here?
There is a concrete block on the top of the drum housing, that then has springs attached to the machine body. Said block is secured by two nylock nuts, that are loose. I tighten the nuts, replace the lid and set it to megafastspin. Silence! My favourite kind of repair, the one that costs nothing.

There are other things that annoy related to this story.

Said machine is worked to death. This is because it's also doing all Idiot girl's washing too. Idiot Girl can wear 4 outfits per day, after all she doesn't have to wash them, or pay for electricity etc. Idiot Girl has a brand new never used washing machine & tumble drier of her very own. That a certain sucker had the 'fun' of fitting, routing waste pipes, putting holes in walls for etc. Too bone idle to use... So, given a) we're constantly doing her washing and b) we potentially needed a new machine, why was I wrong to suggest we go and take hers?

The other annoy is, Ma Ma flids out if a phone is left on charge. It's going to suddenly explode and burn the house down. But she sees nothing wrong in setting the washing machine going and buggering off out even though she knows it's been making 'death' noises for a while.

I think I know why I trust machines more than people....

Jerk it out

No, not an invitation. More a lazy blog:



Said engine in said vid is running on it's own oil and is thus attempting to kill the people who are trying to stop it. I must admit, if it was me I would run as far and as fast as possible and wait for the inevitable bang.

The closest I've come to engine disaster is when mate #2 bought an engine from a car that mate #1 had previously crashed. The parts damaged in the crash where replaced, and we had the bright idea of trying to see if it still ran before fitting it to his car. It was stood on the floor with a high tech house brick holding it upright. My spare gearbox was attached so the starter motor could be used.

It started straight away... unfortunately mate #2 forgot to check the timing was ok. It wasn't. Engine took off to silly rpm, then stopped suddenly. BANG! WHEEEEEEEE!

Engine stopping suddenly due to bending all the valves was too much for my poor gearbox. Something punched a hole in the casing, and went WHEEEEEEEEE! across the garden. Bye bye gearbox :(

Tell me your tales of seconds from disaster?

Double Strength

Observe:


Just in case you can't read the bad quality pic it says:

How to use double strength squash

Before Now use 1/2 as much

The small print above the bar code says "Brought to you by the stating the F'n obvious Co LTD".

You will note the pictorial representation as well as the words. This is for if Idiot Girl buys the product and needs a clue what half means...

Talking of which.... Idiot Girl has dumped the dog on us, and gone off for a rite keg with the rite keg krew for a week. They're driving as far south as it's possible to do without dropping into the ocean. Keg Kar #2 in said convoy is setting off without a spare wheel as getting it fixed will eat into drinking money. This can't possibly end badly at all can it?

When Idiot Girl gets back, she's back to work for a full day, and then goes for elective surgery, and fully intends to take a month off work as 'sick'. I think this qualifies as a great way of making sure she's kept in mind if any more downsizing is required, non?

Other than that, there is no, I repeat no excitement at all here. Move along plz...

Red shirt diaries

Last Tuesday evening, 11:30pm I got a phone call. From Aunt "big mouth likes to be centre of attention". She tells me Uncle "Everyone hates" is in hospital and may not have long left, in fact he's about to shuffle off any minute.. now. And she will be sure to phone everyone she knows just as soon as there's a hint of news...

The next day:
Shazza (aka ABMLTBCOA) phones again. UEH's been for a brain scan 5 whole minutes ago, and it's TEH BRAIN CANCER! OMFG! Because he's the man with the important job of keeping the Vatican's condom machine topped up he's to be RUSHED at WARP FACTOR 9.8 to a top surgeon who will be operating within the hour! Don't change the dial, for updates will come in very shortly.

Two and a half days later:
Shazza again. Er, he's not dead yet. But it is TEH BRAIN CANCER. And he'll be on chemo within the next week or two, as the top surgeon was busy playing golf... yes, that was it... I didn't make bits up to look important. Honest... cough, mumble, got to go....

While all this is going on, Ma ma has talked to other people who Shazza is likely to have phoned. Yes, they too have been phoned, and been told DEATH IS IMMINENT!
Unfortunately, some of them did a bit more thorough job of checking facts, and discovered he's been in hospital for 2 weeks because of out of control diabetes. As he's already at minus 1 kidney due to being a crap diabetic this is not much of a surprise. Otherwise he's the same PITA and isn't likely to shuffle off in the near future at all.

So, er, why is Shazza making all this crap up? WTF is going on? When will we get another phone call full of lies? Answers on a postcard plz...

**************
Red shirt diaries: The daily adventures of a group of red shirt wearing star trek crew members. Not filmed as they where all killed off within the first week of planet fall.

Amazing horse

I've just lost playing HORSE.. so have this:



Well I enjoyed it! Sorry!

The gambler

I've been doing it wrong.....

Acharya Gautam Mohan recently wrote to me to say:

Earn through Betting and CricketAstrology Software Which Can predict cricket Match

Start earning with betting and CricketAstrology. Shree Cricket Astrologer Platinum Advance software which predictscricket matches Like County, IPL, T20, ODI etc. To know how to use and buy itlog on to < deleted >

Not just any astrology, or even Astrology with a big A, but Cricket Astrology!

Not sure how exactly it works, spot stars that look a bit wicket-y in a southern direction = Australia takes the ashes??

Sadly I think it's possibly too complicated for me, what with it being cloudy a lot, and light pollution from the new college building.

Oh, and bonus lazy blog. I had Kenny on the tube of U, and just placed 2nd out of 53. It can't be a coincidence, I'm usually crap at poker.

Horse sense

So I went to York for the (not baby) SPICE thing.

It started badly. I'm in York, so go to the railway museum. Where the car park ticket machine steals £3 and gives me no ticket. Nice! I then get to walk a bajillion miles 'cos the entrance next to the car park is closed. I get inside, and the coffee shoppe with the muffins to die for has sold them all. This is not going too well....

Came out to go to the racecourse. Mega traffic jam as some idiot has only gone and crashed on the busiest roundabout and rather than move their mildly damaged cars they do the idiot thing and block the bloody road to wait for pc 49 to arrive and tell them to move the bloody things.

I'm then involved with a collision between my wing mirror and an illegally parked van's mirror whilst trying to avoid killing to death a loon on a bike who thinks cutting in front of my 4x4 is a good idea. My mirror is undamaged, bugger this for a game of soldiers.. keep going and pretend I know nothing... and hit the next fool on a bike.

Got to the racecourse and eventually made my way inside. Hmm, the instructions say to meet at the Rodriguez pavilion... only one slight tiny snag..... there is no such place. There is a Rodriguez bar, so I figure that'll be close enough. Success! Someone else with a SPICE letter in their hand looking confused. Eventually we all meet up. I do my usual pathetically bad attempt at interacting.

It's preying on my tiny mind that Idiot Girl could be lurking anywhere, as it turns out there's a bar every 10 yards. So I sent her a text "have you won anything?", hoping she would give away her position so I could avoid it. Several more messages are exchanged, but I learn nothing.

I send a final message "won nothing all night, Blondie best be good!" 5 minutes later I get a reply "R U @ Races?????" Awesome powers of deduction Idiot Girl has.....

Blondie isn't too bad as long as she sticks to the greatest hits collection. When she goes for "this is a new song from our new album" it's sadly rather rubbish.

The night is finished. Apart from the hour to get out of the car park, as 6 lanes of traffic all try to force their way thru the 1 car wide gateway.

Overall it wasn't totally awful, but I don't think it's something I would like to do again. Way too many drunken idiots for my liking. No wonder idiot Girl likes it...

I'm not giving up on the SPICE thing quite yet. I've even selected my next mission, which be "Day in the park. With segways."

Heart of glass

Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass.

I am to embark on a journey into terror. I have booked an event with the SPICE people.

Date: Friday evening.
Place: York racecourse.
Doing: Socialise. Watch donkeys race. Afterwards 'concert' by Ms. D. Harry.
Dress code: Smart casual. Dream on dead guys!

If that wasn't frightening enough in itself, Ma Ma informs me Idiot Girl is going racing with the 'rite keg krew' soon.
Nah, it won't be...... but just in case, er, ask her when / where will you?

Yes, it bloody is! Idiot Girl and her spacker friends are only going to the very same event. Fear rating has moved to defcon one. Repeat, we are at defcon one! Full fear arsenal ready for deployment.

Fortunately Ma Ma had the sense not to tell Idiot Girl I am going too. No doubt she will be propping up the bar as no 'rite keg' is complete without excessive drunkenness. So if I avoid the bars I should avoid her.

I also have my own ticket, and a rendezvous point. So in theory if I spot the SPICE people, and they are obvious mongs, I can avoid them too and enjoy my own company. God, it sounds awful doesn't it?

On the bright side, as I am in York I may as well go early and visit the national rail museum. Yay for trains!



Oh, and can you find a link between Blondie and horse racing? Me neither.....

Top tips on how to behave at horse racing with a group of strangers and fear of the idiot girl are welcome...

D is for

Dentist.

I possibly have my check up tomorrow. Only possibly as the dentist has a habit of cancelling with 20 minutes notice, which hardly appears fair as they demand 3 days notice from me.

I'm not over keen on said profession, as even if they don't want to drill holes in my head it still ends up being moderately miserable.

There's the obligatory health nazi part, where you are told to stop eating anything remotely nice, and to spend a small African nation's budget on tooth related products.

My dentist also has 'a thing' about toothpaste.
Which do I use?
The sensodyne one...
Why? Do you have sensitive teeth?
No..
So why do you use that one?
'Cos I do have if I stop using it....

She then sends her assistant away to look up the specifications, before grudgingly accepting that it will clean teeth.

It could be worse... I could be idiot girl who doesn't get her teeth checked 'cos it's 'too expensive', but pays £80 for 'teeth whitening' instead.

Number Thirty Seven

in an occasional series...



Ma Ma points at a Rolls Royce avon gas turbine circa 1953.

I did have a period where she was conned into pointing at lots of things. Today we went to the Kelham island museum, and it felt appropriate to restart the pointing.

They also have this: The river Don engine.



It is what you could technically describe as a bloody massive steam engine. Built to roll steel plate, it produced 12,000 HP. One suspects they run it with just enough steam to make it move now, as without a load it would prolly shake the building apart.

Tired

Idiot Girl is wearing me down again.

First problem is she wants some ZOMG!!! illegal mega bright light bulbs fitting to her car. The exact same ones she left in her old car. But no problem, I can drive to the store to buy them, Ma Ma can pay for them (£26), and then I can fit them.

So I read the manual for the car. How to change headlight bulb:
Open bonnet.
Remove rubber cover from headlight.
Disconnect wiring plug.
Change bulb. Refitting is reverse of removal.

This is a load of fetid dingo's kidneys! Said car is built in Korea, and I suspect they use small children to fit the headlights. There is exactly 2 inches of space behind the headlight. Surrounded by sharp metal objects. I have large hands. Large hands that now resemble a relief map of the moon. A bleeding gouged oily moon. 45 minutes to change 2 bulbs!

She then wears me down by remote control. This weekends KEG is she's going camping. The weather is forecast to be solid rain. Perchance this is not one of her better plans.

The first phone call is she wants cool box packs. To freeze for the morning. The house is turned upside down looking for them. They're not in the cool box. Or anywhere else. Several hours later Ma Ma remembers she lent them to Idiot Girl last time she had similar stupid ideas and they never came back. (Idiot Girl like to borrow other people's things and destroy / lose/ throw them away).

The phone rings again. Idiot girl wants cooking oil. To cook outside her tent in the pouring rain.

Ma Ma finds a bottle of cooking oil. Ma Ma decides to put a small quantity in a small bottle. Ma Ma dicks around trying to dry the inside of the bottle with a towel. Ma Ma, stop dicking around, there is <2ml of moisture in there, it's not going to harm the oil. Ma Ma ignores me and continues to dick around.

Ma ma adds the oil. The oil now has floating bits of towel in it. throw it away and start again. No! Ma Ma must dick around some more!

Tea strainer! That won't work Ma Ma, too big holes! Dick Dick!
Coffee filter! Too small holes, it will take all night! Dick Dick!
Paper towel!
2 layers of paper towel!
etc etc.

30 minutes later I am losing the will to live. Get in my car, I will take you to the shop to buy new oil for Idiot Girl to cook in the rain! No! I want to annoy you more!

And RELAX.

My only hope is Idiot girl decides to cook inside the tent to avoid the rain, burns the sodding thing to the ground and never goes camping again! That or I have got a brain tumour.

Save Ferris

Lazy blog: Oh yeah!


Audience participation... Which Ferris Bueller's day off character do you empathise with?

Wine

Tell me about it plz.

I know it comes in red or white, and there's one that's called white ~something~ that's actually pink instead. This ends my knowledge.

I want to send someone in NZ said fermented stuff in a present sort of way. No, I don't know what they like. No, I can't ask them.

So, er, my sophisticated dear reader, what would you suggest that is a) unlikely to offend the average person, and b) not hugely expensive. I thank you!

Idiot girl logic

You know, the opposite of everyone else.

Idiot Girl has new car. IG must show it off to everyone and so insures both cars. Old one temporary @ £28 for 5 days. I am then instructed to list old car on ebay for a 7 day auction. Can you spot the flaw here?

Yes, 5 days later it's still sat in the street unsold. £28 more for another 5 days... 2 days later it 'sells' to an idiot with no money and no intention of paying. Idiot Girl goes batshit mental, and very sweary. She's not paying to insure it. Why does this happen to me? (er, that's why you was told not to insure both at once).

She commands that we sell the ##### on ebay, £1000 buy it now. Said car is worth in the region of £1800. well would be if it wasn't IG part destroyed. I ignore her stupid instructions, and list it at £1500 or best offer. The phone goes red hot with mouth breathing morons.

2 hours later it's sold to a Polish man who forgot to bring his guide dog for £1375. Idiot Girl then starts moaning that it was worth a lot more and how cruel the world is to her.
Er, you got £375 more than you told me to sell it for. It is gone and not costing money. WTF is wrong with your brain? You can't have a quick sale & top price at the same time!

For added giggles I worked out what she has spent buying cars, minus what she got back selling the wrecked remains. 9 years driving. 5 cars. £9325 spent. No wonder she's got no money. £1000 per year just to buy & destroy cars!

Life in a northern town

Anyone miss me? Yes, every bullet so far etc.

I had Sunday off. Which means I've been working like a madman to try and catch up, and been too knackered to blog.

My day off was, on the whole, awesome. Ma Ma accompanied me to sunny Whitby. For extra giggle points we went on a coach trip. A lot cheaper than taking my car, and in theory more stress free.

We got on the bus, and it headed onto the motorway. No ankle biters! This is awesome! Er, why are we turning onto the M62? Bus driver, you're going the wrong way!!!!
Turns out bus is going to Bradford to a)collect more people, and b) sit around for 30 mins, thus adding an hour to the journey. Boo!

Eventually we arrived at Whitby. 5 hours to entertain ourselves in any way we wish.

1) Visit chip shoppe. Cod + chips plz!
2) Visit ice cream shop. (did I mention it was a rare blazing hot day?)
3) Go to glass shop. Buy Ma Ma glass things.
4) Elizabeth the steam bus ride! Ok, so this is why I actually wanted to go there in the first place.
5) Salvation army book sale. Buy books.
6) Moar ice cream.
7) Walk along beach in sunshine.
8) Sandwiches. (without sand).

Get back on bus of doom for home. Take photos of ICBM detecting military installation on way back. Don't get arrested / shot.

So all in all a good day. Will do the POIDH when photo machine wants to play.

As tis now Thursday, I'll leave this here:
Dream academy - Life in a northern town

Bad name corner

One of my customers today was a mr. Trevor Watts.

Personally, if that was my name, and I wanted to shorten it a bit to use as my email address, I wouldn't abbreviate "Trevor". Or is it just me?

Suicide blonde

Idiot Girl has found the first problem with her new car. See if you can guess what it is?

Old car: land rover freelander


New car: kia picanto



Not her actual vehicles, but are the correct models. Think about it for a min while I lazy blog.

Poor dead M. Hutchence & friends:


(By coincidence Idiot Girl has dyed her hair insanely blonde this week).

The answer is she's upset that she cannot fit all the crap that was in the freelander (a small 4x4) into the kia (a very small city car). She thought the kia was bigger. I am officially evil for suggesting perhaps it rained overnight and it's shrunk.

Sonic torture adventures

So Idiot Girl is still playing the 'must have different car' game. I dodged a bullet yesterday when the one she wanted came back on the datacheck as previously crashed.

Sadly today's came back clear. Wanna go wanna go wanna go... despite me having tons of real work to do, I find myself heading to York, which is a bit over an hour away.

We take my car, for tis pretty much a foregone conclusion she will buy it if it has more than 2 wheels. I can then drive it back for I'm insured to drive other people's cars. She can drive my car back, for she's included on the insurance of it.

Halfway there she starts being her usual bitchy self. Time for a little sonic punishment I think. Folder 43 on the olde memory stick - "the best of Rosie and the originals". As expected she hates it... Jolly good.

We arrive, she drives said car @ 5mph for oh, 100 yards. It's just what she wants, despite having damage that wasn't in the photos. Ma Ma, lend me £2800 plz, I promise I'll pay you back shortly after hell freezes over. Paperwork is signed, and the little shed is hers.

Idiot Girl gets in my car. I have a smile to myself that she will be too stupid to work out how to change Rosie to something else. I smile further when I remember said drive has 3 different versions of the same song in a row...

I get in the new roller skate. Oh, a radio! I turn it on as I drive off. Er, what is this bilge? Locates the cd eject button (for I am a man, and clever and able to read 'eject' and stuff). Westlife's closest misses FFS! How evil can you be to leave such filth in a car you are selling?

I consider tossing it out the window, but settle for throwing under the passenger seat instead.

The journey home is uneventful. Except now we must put new roller skate somewhere off road so it's not illegal. Engage the excitement of dismantling part of the concrete sectional fence surrounding Idiot girl's abode. And then driving said car that is just 2 inches smaller than said created hole thru it.

More excitement when she finally drives the car for real. On past form there will be several blind spots she didn't notice, impossible to reverse, too heavy this, random noise etc complaints.

She got the gold mine

I got the shaft, as the song goes.

Idiot girl is on holiday having a 'rite keg'. Again.

I have a plan. I want one stinking day where I get to do what I want, and not work. Or a day off.

I select a day, and invite Ma Ma to accompany me on this wild adventure. Ma Ma says she will ask Idiot Girl if we may be excused looking after her dog on that day. For said day is a Sunday, so of course IG will be off having a keg somewhere, and can't possibly be expected to look after her own dog on her day off from work...

Ma Ma texts IG. July 3rd, day off plz? Graciously IG allows this.... you may proceed with your petty lives for that one day...

I go on the website and book tickets. Fast forwards 4 hours ~wibbly lines~

IG texts back. What do we mean we've booked it? Who told us we could do that? She has a 'rite keg' planned for that weekend, and who's going to look after the dog now????

Er, we told you about it earlier... true you where probably in a drunken haze at the time, but you agreed... IG of course did no such thing.... Our text only said "sometime in July", and didn't have a date at all.

Yes it did!
no it didn't!
Behind you! etc.

So Idiot Girl is now back from her keg in the sun, and making lives very miserable 'cos I won't cancel what I want to do. She's going to have to get some other sucker to look after the dog now... do we know how selfish we are being??

Er, cancel your rite keg then Idiot girl and look after it yourself. Don't be so f'ning stupid....

~sigh~ Somebody shoot me thru the head plz...

Burnin'

in the third degree:


NO FATE. Discuss.

Doogie Howser, MD

So I went to the hospital today, looking for answers as to why some things are not quite right with my vision.

For those with busy lives, answers I did not get. The End.

The long version:
Herr Doktor asks me what is the most important issue with my sight?

So I start to tell him the symptoms I am having.

He interrupts, and demands to know what is the root cause?
Er, why would I know? Aren't you the doctor?
Am I depressed, worried, anxious? This is causing it, yes?
Er, no. Happier than I've been for quite some time actually.

We then sort of argue. I tell him a symptom, he says this is not a root cause! I run out of symptoms. He then examines said eyes with his magic machine, before proclaiming them to be healthy.

He then sums up what I've told him, that these symptoms must be caused by something, the something must be found, but not by him. I am discharged, and he will write to the neurology department, as there is something wrong with the brain, and they can find out what. Thankyougoodnightelvishasleftthebuilding.

So I've learned nothing, and now prolly have a few months wait for the other lot to call me in for a prod & poke.

Glass half empty mode, also surely faulty eye control or faulty eyeball has the same result, I don't bloody see correctly! So his reassurance that my eyes are fine isn't that comforting.

Ps.. post 300. No flowers by request.

A summer place

There's a summer place...


Percy Faith orchestra, marvellous!

2010: abortion remix:


Urgh! That is all.

Cat anger

Some bastard cat belonging to one of my scumbag don't give a frig neighbours has started shitting in my workshop.

Options:
Buy cat repellent.
Post said shit thru letterboxes of all identified cat 'owners' as it's the only language these curs understand.
Supersized mouse trap, assembled A team style with lots of welding using metallic things found nearby.
Free bowl of antifreeze for all kitties in my workshop. Help yourselves!

Suggest me up what to do about it!

New religion

I'm starting one. Convert now and grab a good job while there's still places available.

I know I'm teh messiah, as like all good bosses I was given a sign. The gig chose me, not the other way around. I will show you this sign now.

Behold!


It's a bad phone photo of my hand! After some mysterious force / biting insect caused injury to appear in a pattern overnight.

If you study it you will note it looks remarkably like 'the plough' constellation.

So obviously I should add in lots of space related mumbo jumbo to my new religion.
Ok, so the pan end only has 3 stars on my hand not 4, but er, this is a test of faith. No, better still I can make it my first commandment: "Smote all the smart arses who spot the missing star".

Suggest me up some more rules, I command thee!

Sexual equality

A lazy blog double bill:

For the gentlemen:



Or perhaps the ladies:



They must unite, fight, and see who is best!

Must say, the ladies actually handle the tools better. Does this make me a sad heeb? Yes, I think it does.

Spoilers Sweetie

so I watched Doctor Who. Last one of this current run, so it's time for some answers Moffat! And boy did we get some!!

I can't believe that ~static~ did ~dematerialisation sound~ with ~feedback squeal~ while ~cough cough cough~ was there! Like, OMG!!!!!

I hope I've not spoiled it too much for people in far away lands without bittorrent.

A nice cup of tea

and perhaps a sit down too!



I have the happy, as for the third time the above is now "new!" at tesco. Quite why they keep reintroducing it and then deleting for six months I am not sure. Perhaps it only sells as new? Or maybe other people like me buy 10 boxes every time it's new just in case it never comes back..

Either way, I can now experience the "freezing to death with all hope lost" sensation any time I want.

There can only be one lazy blog to go with this:



Sorry it's more than a bit screechy. Please don't hit me.

Sugar mice

in teh rain:


Yes, lazy blog day again.

I'm not 100% sure, but I'm fairly certain marillion is something you either like a lot, or are blah! about.

I think I fall into blah. I really like this one.... and I suppose Kayleigh is ok in an on every 80's compilation album filler kind of way... but other than those I couldn't name another song. Sorry Fish....

Toy story

No, not the film / lunch box / back pack / marketing machine.

This toy story:


~wavy lines~
Back in my youth, I got (at the time) the ultimate lego set, the technic car chassis. Wow, I'm so lucky!

Or not. A certain parent decided I was not suitable to touch it. Said parent then spent the best part of two months building the thing with plenty of on the go swearing as he was, frankly, crap at it. It was then put on display, where I wasn't allowed to play with it.

Obviously I cannot recreate the magic of that Christmas. But as I've just survived the rapture, I had the thought that I should buy some lego of my choosing, and I could build it, and darn it, wouldn't it be fun?

Snag #1 was detected on visiting the toy shops. Lego is now very expensive. £30 gets you a small model that looks like it could be built in about half an hour. No fun!

So evilbay was visited, and I came away the proud owner of said used truck pictured above. For £41.59 delivered to me.

Said big box arrived today. Progress has been perhaps a bit on the sedate side of things. I've followed seven pages of instructions, and have a bit of rather sad looking chassis assembled. A major part of the problem being the set has 1027 pieces. That are all in the box, mixed up. The joys of second hand lego... methinks I need to get some boxes and do some sorting if I don't want to exceed the giffer's slow build record.

Think of the children

So I watched a bit of tv.

It's an expose on how old TVs that should be recycled here end up in Nigeria, where poor children like the one interviewed scavenge metals out of them and are exposed to massive amounts of toxic stuff. It's all awful and it's our fault!

But then I thought about it a bit more.
Yes, the toxic exposure is pretty bad. But...

They examined a container of TVs and found 30% in working order. So presumably the man in Nigeria who's name is on the outside of the container buys them like this as he can make a profit selling the 30% that do work. You could argue that he is also the villain for dumping the 70% that don't work for children to scavenge from.

Child interviewed states he no longer goes to school, as his mother died and he is collecting metal from TVs to feed the family. So if the evil modern world stopped sending bad TVs, he would be in school instead? Er, or more likely he would be working on something even more awful or hazardous... you only take the worst job if you can't get a better one.

30% of them work??? They say these are TV's that have been thrown away at council dumps as unwanted / broken. Who are these wasteful people? Prolly the same idiots that must have the latest iphone.

I think I should go back to my policy of only watching Doctor Who. TV is the devil's tool.

size matters

Excitement for Ma Ma!

FX: phone rings.

Hello, I would like to purchase the smallest hair drier in the world!
Er, we don't sell hair driers of any size.
You don't?
sorry, no.
But the website says you do?
Sorry, we don't...

I'm glad she got this call instead of me. Intrigued I googled said phrase. Turns out one of the places I buy ducks from also sells "the smallest hair drier in the world", and has me down as a stockist, which is nice, if inaccurate of them.

Sadly, I got this earworm which I will share with you now in the traditional lazy blog way:



If only there had been the technology to blanket broadcast Ms. Fields to Germany during ze war it would have all been over within 3 weeks. Surrender or we play the b sides Adolf...

Top tip

When Ma Ma puts your olbas inhaler through the washing machine in your jeans pocket, do not:

a) unscrew the cap and check that it looks physically intact.

followed by

b) apply to nostril and inhale deeply.

Trust me, throw the damn thing away. Unless you like a mix of detergent, and mega strong decongestant blasting your face off. And your nose burning for the next 30 minutes as you struggle to breathe.

Feel free to share your top tips.
NB: Ma Ma already knows the one about your offspring will sulk if you laugh at his misfortune.

On helping

Or wanting to, but failing to do so.

The day starts with a phone call for me. From Sonja. Which means her 20 something idiot son has screwed up the computer again and she wants me to fix it. Ok, I'll be 10 minutes...

Sure enough, mega screwed up. One of those fake "your computer is infected" things that stops you running anything else 'cos it's "infected". Normal action being to system restore back to before it happened, except system restore not working even in safe mode. Fun!

Made more fun by trying to be diplomatic. "Why does this keep happening?" asks Mumsie. The answer of course being "because you have a stupid 20 something son who keeps looking at porn sites and is stupid enough to click anything that says click here". He's not even smart enough to use private browsing... But of course you can't say that... you can be none committal, and watch boyo squirm, and blame the same people that hacked the sony playstation network.

So that was a fail, as I'm going to have to go back with usb stick full of goodies to fix it.

Coming home, I call in at the supermarket. Hmmm, busy roads here. Ah, that would be because there is a small nissan micra blocking the critical petrol station junction bit. A micra with the added feature of the driver's side being caved in. Presumably owned by the crying woman nearby. Restyled by another woman in a mondeo.

I want to help. I want to tell her it will be all right. That she's not hurt and that cars can be mended. And put in a big whiplash claim for a free holiday.
I don't of course, for I have the people skills of a slug, and I'm sure the last thing she needs is some gormless gimp on top of her motor getting bent. I mentally project good wishes and go on my way, but feel bad about it.

More not helping on the morrow.

Claret

Or my day going splat.

I've got a thing about blood. Or more accurately my blood. I'd be upset if you was bleeding to death, but not as much as if it was me injured.

So I'm doing the usual garage work thing. Lathe running, boring a gaiter fixing. Yes, it's as dull as it sounds. But I have to stand there and watch it, as it gets hot doing it, and I haven't got the coolant system working yet, so the high tech solution is to dribble a bit of oil on the cutting tip every now and then.

Dull, dull, dull! Until...... ARGH!
Mr. not concentrating here has only gone and made contact 'twixt thumb and rotating chuck. Oh dear.. Shut the machine down, DON'T LOOK AT IT, go and see Ma Ma.... Plz to fix the damage and make it better while I have a little collapse on this nice floor... SPLAT!

I come round, and from my angle on the floor the new (broken) window looks more broken. So still a bit woozy go to investigate it. DON'T TOUCH IT! shouts Ma Ma.

Too late... OW! Splat #2? Don't mind if I do.....

What's love got to do with it?

Not a lot as it happens. For this is about windows. The glass kind.

The one in the kitchen went defective, so you can't see through it for the condensation between the glass. Idiot girl has a bezzie mate who's a real professional window fitter, and he'll fix it properly, no bother.

Weeks pass by while we wait for him to come and measure the glass. More tumble weeds pass waiting for him to come and fit it.
Today is the day! I am woken by vague thumping noises! I wait till they stop and go back to sleep.

I get up at the usual time, and comment to Ma Ma "well that looks better!"
"Er, not exactly" she says, "look more closely".

I do. It's no longer steamed up. But there's a huge crack running up it. "Oh!"
Mr real professional broke the new window fitting it... And he's going on holiday for a few weeks now, but promises he'll come back and fit a none broken one instead...

Lazy blog:
What's love got to do with it? - a 'slightly different' cover version.

Retail therapy

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to cheers oneself up with a bit of mindless purchasing. Today was my day.

I bought:

A tile cutting machine, used (£1)
Ma Ma asks why? Well I may want to cut tiles someday... plus I have a moderately mad idea for glass work that I could use it for.

Four alloy wheels, used. (£450) For the car that hasn't moved for 5 years, 2 months.
Ma Ma was most pleased with this purchase. I can tell by the way she said "you're insane".


Note boring standard wheel fitted to car, and OMG SEXY! rare alternative wheel. (not fitted).

A grinder stand, used. (£1)
I've got to show you this sweetie:


Isn't she a dreamboat?

Ma Ma refused to help me carry it. And yes, it's probably worth £30 in scrap metal alone, and weighs URGH! kilos.

Books! (£50)
Well, I haven't got them yet, because they're coming from USA. 'Cos they're signed by the person who wrote them.

Perhaps it's a good thing that most of the time I'm incredibly careful with money.

Bonus audience participation!
What retail therapy have you bought yourself recently, and why? Enquiring minds want to know.

Other side of the coin

I don't flickr that much since the whole Misty thing, it's kind of taken the fun out of it. Occasionally I'll have a look and see what peeps I know are up to. Sometimes I go against my better judgement and see what she's up to.

Today was one of the times I shouldn't have bothered. She gets setup with a "we miss you comment", and replies thus:

I've been better. I'm going through a seriously shitty time for a while and having one certain reader that I thought was a good friend leaving really nasty and hurtful comments over on my blog as well as here did nothing to help matters, and everything just got on top of me leaving me with crippling writer's block...
The only reason I'm still on Flickr is because a) I refuse to break my run of finished Scavenger Hunts, and b) I could block that person's comments and delete what ever else they'd written!
I do miss you all and I hope I'll be back sometime soon!
*hugs*

O'realy? Nice to know that I'm now the cause of all her woes.

My side of the coin remembers it as a) I stopped giving her money b) she started giving me the cold shoulder in direct proportion to how much money she was missing out on. I pointed out this wasn't very nice & got banned for it. The end.

The other difference is of course she has an army of people who will read her every word, and I have my blog with 2 followers who will think argh! why am I still reading this pap. So 100's now think I'm an arse, and 2 know it for sure. And I can't even put my view in reply.

Still, no one said the world had to be fair...

On the best laid plans of mice and men

I do the stained glass class thing. It's actually something I greatly enjoy, takes my little mind off other things, and the chance to slowly gain lead poisoning at the same time.

The person who teaches it gave me a card at the last session. "you are invited" it says in big friendly letters "to come to my open studio event".
I wasn't going to go, 'cos I always think they must have printed too many cards, and are just using up the surplus on me. Really, who would want me around their home?
But last Saturday I thought sod it, and went. A nice drive in the sunshine along winding country roads. True, there was episodes of fear when I actually got there, but I was welcomed, and generally had a nice time.

The fail then kicks in.
She pimps her taster session of making things with willow. So as usual I can't commit and say I'll think about it. Got back home, thought about it, and yes I would like to have a go. Sent a text message, got no reply... so being a gimp did nothing about it, and session missed.

Friday comes around, and glass class starts again. She tells me she didn't get my message until Tuesday, but there's one last class on Saturday if I still want to do it. YES! I sayeth.

Saturday AM, text message, "I is ill, class cancelled". Methinks some things are not to be.

Urine extraction

That's what idiot Girl is doing AGAIN.

It's now official, she has a new bloke. And so must have "right kegs" constantly, or is not happy. As mundane things are not kegs, they are to be passed off to any other sucker.

A while back IG decides the bathroom is crap. So it's "really therapeutic" to smash all the tiles, and put big holes in the wall in the process. She's 'helping' to get the job done, 'cos when she gets a new bathroom she won't have to pay someone to take the tiles off.
Slight flaw being a) will have to pay for all the extra damage fixing, and b) no money to pay for it, so left in a smashed mess for years.

Fast forwards to now... new bloke and my bathroom is awful! So she arranges for a man to fix it. And tells him you can come any time, we will work around you!

There are no prizes for guessing this means he says Monday, so the Idiot Girl party goes on holiday on the Saturday before.... or indeed for guessing who's problem it becomes.

Tomorrow is my turn again to be 'useful'. Idiot Girl is going avec Ma Ma to see "ghost the musical". She thinks "well the dog will be ok dumped in the house all day". No, no it won't. So I get to do the dog ownership thing by default while she goes looking for poor dead Patrick Swizzle.

Vaguely appropriate lazy blog: Take it away Eric!

Wager

Tis the royal welding, er wedding today. Besides the endless coverage, and everyone trying desperately to tie their product or service to it, there are also massively silly bets on offer. All the bookmakers are trying to come up with even more silly bets.

It starts out moderately sensible. Will it rain?

Then you get "what colour will the Queen's hat be"?

Then you get really silly:
Prince Philip to be seen asleep during the wedding service (10/1)

The Archbishop of Canterbury to say 'In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy GOAT' during the service (100/1)

Which couple will be seen at the Royal Wedding first on live BBC coverage? chas n dave (100/1)

William & Kate's baby to be a Vogue Cover model before 18 years old (33/1)

Meal at reception to be KFC or Burger King (100/1)

Honeymoon plane to be supplied by easyjet (200/1)

************
Sadly I am a gambling man. So I've placed a few modest bets.... This time tomorrow I could be slightly poorer unless.....

Kate wears a white dress (88p riding on this).
Queenie to wear an apricot hat (£1)
Queenie to wear a blue hat (£1, ma ma's choice)
Huw Edwards (tv presenter) to say "St Andrews" first (£1.17)

Results to follow....

***************
ADDITIONAL! 10:15am.
I'm winning so far....

Huw did say "st andrews" which nets £2.93
Victoria Beckscum is wearing blue, so that's another £8.00

Still waiting on Queenie, and putting up with the mindless tv coverage....

Last to know

No, I'm not going to lazy blog Britney Spears. (Engage the huge sighs of relief).

So I'm in the garage-o-doom as usual, and have the radio on. I haven't heard that one in AGES I think. Work continues. 1 hour later, they play it again. That's odd, thinks I.

Another hour, and it's on AGAIN. I'm obviously missing something here. They're dead? Best google it...
Turns out the televisual opium of the masses "Britain's (not) got talent" is back poisoning minds again. And one of the no hopers on said show covered said song. So the original is now racing back up the charts.

Engage the lazy blog:
Tracy Chapman - fast car


Ps... want to see it murdered?
Clicky!

Spice or niet?

I will in short order be asking for your valued opinion. I thank you in advance.

It's not been going well with the spice thing. I did the new member's night, which was teaching granny to suck eggs on how to use the interwebs. I then booked "secret tunnels of Manchester walk", "cycling in York" and "crazy golf + laser quest social night".

Manchester, I cancelled (Unexpected hospital appointment)
York, I cancelled. (I assumed you could get there by public transport before noon. WRONG!)
Golf, they cancelled. - Only 3 people wanted to go.

I'm now thinking about giving up Narrow boat day. Or chug chug chug up a canal.

Pros:
Cheap.
Forced to interact with small group (10) for full day.
Potential for pretty countryside.
Relaxing.

Cons:
9 am start. but it's 2 hours drive away. Or 2.5 hours on a train. So really 6am start.
Forced to interact.
Confidence is high for alcohol to be involved, and the 'joy' of explaining to people I don't need to drink to have fun. (For reasons unknown I always get in my head a bit of "we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no.", but that suggests cherry wine, so doesn't really help. Stupid brain).
High probability of being wrong class.

So, the question people on the other side of the planet where you prolly don't have canals, yes or no???

50% miracle

Or teh gods are cruel. The woman who survived being dunked in the freezing sea whilst having internal bleeding died.

So I'm switching my allegiance from teh God to teh easter bunny and his chocolate goodness.

Miracles

Two news items caught my eye today:

You'll have to try harder to kill me
&
Nice catch lady

Maybe there is a God. Discuss.

Love of my life

Sarah Jane dies yesterday. Pseudonymph talks of the big C. It's such a down note.

So I must lazy blog this:


I can remember where I was when I heard Freddie had died. I suppose it's a bit like the older generation and Elvis.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought of death much. In a way, I could quite accept being told you've got X time left, instead of mind that bus, what bus? splat!

You could make sure things where going to go the way you want them. No git slipping in 'wind beneath my wings' for the send off...
You could be rude to the funeral people... come on, give me a price, some of us haven't got all week you know....

Oh, and I want dead milkmen - land of the shakers at my send off. Anyone who doesn't turn up and join in is disinherited.

Saying goodbye

to Sarah Jane Smith aka Elisabeth Sladen.

Your scream will live on. Farewell.

Foreign dogs

Or casual racism, Idiot Girl style.

Technically, Idiot Girl owns a dog. I say technically because she only wants it for the 'fun' bits, and we can have it for the mundane things.
So we get the dog for breakfast, and early morning walk. It then goes home and sleeps for a few hours. We collect it again, and it gets several walks in the day, and is fed again before it goes home. Well, assuming IG isn't going out for a 'rite keg'. We then get to take said dog out for another walk before it goes sleepy and the cycle starts again.

So of course it's our job to buy the dog food. This costs money, which is not reimbursed. As you may know, dog food is basically mystery meat, so it doesn't really matter which you buy. Read any tin, eg beef, and it says 4% named ingredient, rest of contents random meat & vegetables.

You buy a tin of peas, and there's a picture of peas on the label. Ditto carrots.... And what's on the tin of dog food? Dogs... hmmmm. But I'm drifting off topic.

We found in the cheapo shoppe dog food. Spanish dog food. With Spanish labels (which have pictures of dogs on them). The contents is the same, but the price is half that of English language food. The dog likes it too.

Idiot girl goes ballistic when she finds out.
WE MUST NOT feed HER dog that FILTH!

Er, IG, it's dog food. Mystery meat, same as the rest of it.
NO! IT'S FORRINS! IT'S 100% HORSE! FORRINS ONLY EAT HORSE!

Google translate the label, and big shock, it's 4% beef, rest mystery meat. Same as the UK stuff. Idiot Girl doesn't believe this, and Ma Ma is stupid enough to take notice of her. So no more cheap evil forrins dog food.

Call me Ishmael

So I walked to the hospital on both my feet, and saw the orthoptist. Hello Ms. Orthoptist....

I'm then made to feel like a grade one fraud. She tests my eyes nine ways from Sunday, and pronounces that I don't have significant double vision problems. I be almost normal.

But, er, what about the wobbling when focusing on an object? There be very little evidence of that either. Definitely not the same as when I had my eye test.

Ok, what about when I'm looking at eg, a patch of gravel? It's all shimmery. Oh, that's a side effect of having prism in your prescription, didn't they warn you about it? er, no.

Wait a while to see the consultant. Hello Mr. consultant. He flicks thru my notes, and then tells me the tests I had done three years ago when all this eye stuff started was to check if I had multiple sclerosis. Excuse me! Er, no one told me that at the time.... er, did I pass?

He thinks whatever happened three years ago has in some way caused damage to my eye. I think he's also thinking this sudden jump in required prism is perhaps a re-occurrence, but he's not committing to saying it.
He makes reassuring noises that I don't have anything major to worry about, but come back in two months for more tests, or immediately if I feel something is going horrendously wrong.

Upshot is I feel slightly better, but also cautiously worried. What is said eyes really up to? Is Noah and his chum the whale going to release a single called blind C'riz you're all doooooomed?

blue valkyrie, your life force is running out

And I'm all out of 10p's (clicky if you haven't a clue what I'm on about as usual)

Remember my earlier fear caused by 2 x Noah and the whale song plays on 2 consecutive days? Well now I'm definitely sure. We went to tescos this morning, walked in the door and, yep, it's Noah. Oooh, creepy!

Went to the garage tonight, on with the radio, Noah again! Add in that it's taken from the album "last night on earth" and it's a definite message aimed directly at me. Of course, it could be the whale that's out to get me and not Noah at all...

Saturday 10:15 am I am to see the eye man at the hospital. Anyone want to bet I get sent for a test and it comes back brain tumour? If you want first dibs on anything, I'd be making a list now...

Dreamer

Sorry, more lazy blogging.

Ozzy Osbourne - Dreamer:


Hokay, Mr. Ozzy may not be the bestest singer in the history of the world, but I really like this one.

Is he sincere about wanting a better world? I'm not sure, but I'd like to believe it's something that could be achieved... I'm probably just a dreamer too...

Message on the radio

Two days in a row now I've gone into my workshop fired up the radio, and it's played:

Noah and the whale - l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.on


This could be a message. Life hasn't been great fun recently. I'm a sucker for spotting patterns that aren't really there and taking them as important.

It's a sort of ok song, but has a fatal flaw. The bit where he sings L I F E G O E S O N just doesn't work for me. I can't make the letters into words when I hear them. It's prolly not helped as I start hearing in my head F E E L I N G C A L L E D LOVE even though it's not remotely similar. Perhaps there's a battle going on in my mind between Noah and Jarvis, and Jarvis wins....

Assault at precinct 13

Or who the hell is making noises outside my house at 12:30am?

So I went to investigate. And found a man, mid 20's, white, drunk/drugged/crazy/foreign. Said man is in the process of tearing up our plants in an attempt to make a 'nest'.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I shouted in my best not scared at all of the obviously crazy man voice.

Sleep! he says.
No! Go away! says I.
Sleep!
Go!
Sleep! Cold!
Go! police!

This goes on for a short while. Said man then decides the answer to everything has to be violence. Fortunately he is drunk/drugged and I'm stone cold sober. It's obvious he is going to attack.

I should point out I am the pacifistic type, but when he made his move the fight or flight primative part of my brain chose fight. Not much option with a closed gate behind me. His swing missed wildly, so I grabbed him by the neck, pushed him over the small wall and rammed his head into the privet hedge. This was all on autopilot, and over in an instant.

I'm then back in control, with the thought of great! I'm holding a drunken foreigner by the neck in a hedge. Now what clever clogs? What if he has a knife and remembers in a minute?

So I shove him more in a hedge direction, and do a runner behind the gate before him and his potential knife can get back up. He then tries kicking the gate / falling over. FOF kicks in again, I open the recycling bin, grab an empty dog food tin and throw it in his general direction. By pure luck it connects with his head, and he decides it's time for flight. He staggers away cursing in whatever his native language is.

I wait until he is a dot on the horizon and isn't coming back. I come inside and go all wobbly.

Seriously, I know from reading the S. Duck chronicles the protocol for sick in a hedge, but what should I really have done for forrins nesting in my hedge? What do I tell Ma Ma tomorrow when she spots plant damage? Argh.....

Art

So I go to youtard to find something in my secret stash to lazy blog. but wait! it suggests I should watch this.. so I do... and then I share it with you:

PS.... in the unlikely event you're a visitor not from the land down under, you may find the language offensive.

Positive thinking

I'm still concerned that when I go see the eye person he will go hmmmm, yes in my learned opinion you're going blind, any minute.... now!

The worst thing to me is what would happen to my cars if I had to stop driving? (I have four... One of them is legal and works.) I like my cars, hence why I keep the broken ones. It would make me very sad to lose them.

Ma ma tells me I should stop being negative, and the nice man will spot some easily corrected thing the optician missed. I hate optimists and their la la thinking. Why should nice things happen?

But I'm taking note, and being positive.... by buying parts for my cars. Think I'll wait to find out who is right before fitting them though.

Smashy. Nicey.

Or the tale of the most pointless radio competition ever.

My local radio station has been running one of those promo competitions. Whoever answers the most questions correctly in 90 seconds wins the big prize, which is a weekend hotel break.
The pointless factor being it's a weekend at the holiday inn, Barnsley. So you win the chance to leave your home in Barnsley, and go have a nice weekend, er, in Barnsley.

The winner was announced today, mrs. woooooo I won!!!!! From Barnsley!!! Or to be more precise, Dodworth, Barnsley. For those who are not local, I will point out Dodworth is basically a small housing estate near the motorway. It has a chip shop, a nearby industrial estate, and also a small hotel.

Yes, you guessed it, the small hotel in Dodworth is the holiday inn. I bet the family was overjoyed to find out about their break, half a mile away from where they live all the freaking time.....

clouds across the moon

Lazy blog day:

RAH Band - clouds across the moon


Things learned from this video:

80's videos can be truly awful.
The future will involve war on Mars. War where the weapons are ladies with large Madonna boobies.
Flight Commander P R Johnson is the strong silent type.
Mars bases look awfully like a disused pumping station.
Being both a member of the Borg collective and a break dancer will enhance your chances of getting a job as an intergalactic operator.

Methinks it was perhaps better to have not seen this video for 26 years.... Still a powerful track though...

Square hole

in a land of round pegs. Or something like that.

So I went to the fabulous SPICE new members night.

Woo me bits:
Ordered a coke in the pub, and asked where are the idiots hiding without running away.

This sucks bits:
Everything else.

It was 1.5 hours of egg sucking. This is our website.... if you want to look at the events you click the events button... that's the one on the left there with events written on it... rinse, repeat.

Came out to the car park to find the man parked next to me (bmw) cannot drive. I lasted 5 minutes of him moving randomly backwards & forwards next to me (so blocking my escape), before getting out, doing the universal wind down your window symbol, and then telling him to follow my instructions precisely. These generally where shouting keep coming when he has 2 yards further to reverse and is going to start going forwards again.

I suppose I could class ordering him about as a success also?

The fear

I haz it.

I went to the opticians today, as I've been thinking my eyesight is perhaps a bit worse, and my eyes burn all the time. It did not go well.

I have what is technically known as wonky eyes, and so have a prism in my prescription to wonky the light in advance so it all lines up and I don't get cheap 3D effects. Nice lady in opticians thinks I may need an increase in the amount of prism. Snag is, no matter if she gives me anywhere from zero to bloody loads of prism, there's something not quite right.

I can read her chart fine, but when told to concentrate on the letter V in the middle my eyes move very slightly. Nice lady thinks my stupid brain can't decide which image it prefers, and so keeps telling the eyes to look at both of them in turn.

The fear comes from (blind) Ma Ma having grade 1 mental nystagmus. Hook her up to a generator and you could provide power for 20,000 homes on eye movement alone. I don't want to be a blind wobble eyed person. I'm happy enough being wonky thank you very much.

Nice lady is to write a letter to my doctor, so they can write a letter to the hospital, so a man from India can examine my eyes and tell me to come back in 6 months for a few cycles until he gets bored, or my eyes fall out. I'm not very happy. Stupid brain. Stupid eyes. Stupid fear.

Voodoo economics

Idiot Girl is at it again. AND I AM VERY ANGRY, shouty angry, even!

She turns up, can I plz look at her car as the clutch doesn't work. Er, have you tried pressing the pedal on the left? Works for me!

Further investigation, aka putting my head in sweet wrappers and other things I don't want to think about reveals brake fluid dripping off the clutch pedal. As it's a hydraulic clutch it's not rocket surgery to work out that the master cylinder is knackered.

"Idiot Girl, your master cylinder is knackered" is what I said.
"oh, it works now? fine thanks bye!"

Fast forwards a couple of hours and she phones up complaining it's broken again. Er, I didn't fix it. I just told you what was wrong and you left????

So I find who sells the part cheapest, and it comes to £55 + fitting.

Engage Idiot Girl logic, and my anger..... Well the road tax is also due... so it's going to cost about £300, and I haven't got any money.... so the best plan is to go out and buy a newer car.

Er, run that by me again slowly plz.... no money, so buy a newer car? With what?
I'll get it on finance.
Er, so on the one hand you don't have to pay £300 this month, instead on the other hand you have to pay £80 per month, every month for the next five years? Are you a f'n moron... er. yes you are.

What really drives my anger level higher is little miss no money went out drinking / meals / random money wasting 3 days out of 7 last week, and has 4 nights out planned this week. Er, priorities???

She's also complaining that her house is awful as there isn't a single room that's properly decorated. Would this in any way be due to your hobby of wrecking a room, and then moving on to wreck another one?
I'm sure it was 'a right keg' smashing all the tiles in the bathroom and gouging big holes in the wall, but there isn't a magic fairy that fixes the mess you've made and fits new tiles for free...

Ditto the cunning plan of paint a big splotch in the middle of every bloody wall to see if you like the colour... you're supposed to then paint the rest of it...

AND RELAX....

Avalanche

As I may have mentioned earlier, I've bought a (used) bike. From nice pictures on evilbay.

My avalanche was delivered today. My unhappy level rose by, oooh, at least seven points. The bike I have only bears a passing resemblance to the one in the pictures. Sad face is definitely on.

The first thing I spotted is the paint has been touched up by a mr. Stevie Wonder. With the wrong shade of blue. Then I noticed it's been done everywhere. Methinks it's had a very hard life, and is not in the "excellent" condition I was promised.

It is then observed that the mechanical condition is also lacking in the excellent department. The chain is jumpy on the cogs (stop me if I'm getting too technical), and the steering bit makes clunky noises when you rock it.

After 30 miserable minutes I finally accepted it's a lemon. It is thus Going Back. Going Back in capitals. I'll lose money, but would lose more if I kept it.

Not sure what to do next. try and find another, less knackered, used bike? Buy a shiny new one? Give up this entire mad plan of joining the ranks of 'fat bloke on a bike trying to lose weight but losing sanity instead'? Answers on a postcard plz.

hey...... got any grapes?

Lazy blog day:



Did you guess the ending?

I'm almost tempted to buy the book & CD just to see if it has any more weapons grade songs for when Idiot Girl is in my car.

Long way down

Saturday! A new SPICE challenge. I'm booked on the "York minster hidden tour".

First problem:
The instructions say 'meet your contact Ian at the entrance to the minster'.

Er, there are approximately 80 people that could be classed as near the entrance. In groups of various size, who keep coming and going in a tourist sort of way. True, I can discount 50% of them if I assume Ian isn't Asian. This isn't going to be easy.

A woman walks past holding what looks like a printout with their logo on it. Said woman then meets a random man. I phone 'Ian'. Random man goes to answer his phone. QED: he is Ian. Just to be sure I say "Are you Ian?". He is. Woo!

Problem 2:
We are now all to go for a 'free' cup of tea. I am stuck with the world's most boring man. He likes skiing. He has nothing else to talk about. I resort to watching out the window at the passing people.

Tour starts. We descend into the vaults with mr & mrs earnest our tour guides. It's all a bit difficult as I think they assume we know anything remotely about how said place works, and it's history. Personally I'm professionally ignorant, as I know 2 things. 1) it was on fire in 1984. 2) I've never been anywhere near it before as parents too tight to pay.

The tour gets more deep, as we are shown hidden bits. That's a bit of 12th century wall, followed by excited description of it's building technique. Yes, it could be said this part was a soupcon dull.

Final problem:


Clicky to get the big picture. Observe how tall the person is at the bottom. Now note how there are smaller windows above the big ones. Yes, they took us up there.

Yes, there's bugger all in the way of stuff to stop you from falling down. (a 3 foot high crappy fence).
Yes, after being warned not to have lose items I dropped my phone. Only onto the ledge, so no one died, but rather embarrassing.
Yes, I got a sudden U2 earworm.... hello, hello, I'm at a place called vertigo... I'm normally fine with heights, but was feeling dizzy for some reason. Better to be back on the ground.

Final score:
Maybe a four. Interaction was poor, but no one died....

True colours

Pseudonymph tells of black and white thinking. The next day Idiot Girl proves she works the same way.

Idiot Girl takes her long suffering car for the annual MOT test. This is supposed to detect if things are worn out to the extent of being dangerous. She comes back with a pass, but with advisories. This means (usually) something is 95% worn out, and will not last 12 months to the next test. Smart party members investigate and fix the advisories.

Idiot Girl is black and white. Pass means 100% safe brilliant car, fail means death trap. So as it's a pass, insert fingers in ears and go la la la can't hear you!

Her advisories where:
Rear brakes have an efficiency of 52%
Parking brake has an efficiency of 16%

Totally safe to ignore them then. Who needs brakes anyway? And you can carry a brick around to fix the 2nd one....

You know Idiot Girl is going to do nothing, as you point out the potential result of wall / car interface. Oh yeah, I'll get it fixed. Just not this month 'cos I'm sooooo busy. My diary is overflowing and I don't have a second spare.

Er, you're off work Two days next week... Yeah, but I've got 'stuff' to do.. you know, STUFF.

~sigh~ Makes note not to go anywhere near her car...

Lazy blog has to be poor dead Eva Cassidy's cover of true colours:

Crazy fit massage

FX: Door bell

C'riz rushes to the window, remembers to open it first, puts head outside and says hello? (For I be expecting parcels).

"Parcel for Idiot Girl", says the man.
Bugger, I'll be right down...
"I'll get it off the van"...

So I open the door, sign here, and then notice the sodding huge box. W, T, and indeed F has Idiot Girl bought now? The box is huge, and extremely heavy. Delivery man gives me a cheery wave and sods off, so I'm left to drag it into the house by myself.

"Crazy Fit Massage (pink)" is written on the box. I ponder on this for a while before getting on with my so called life.

~wavy lines of time passing~

Ma Ma has asked Idiot Girl what the hell is in the big box, and when is she coming to collect it? We are told it's dead brilliant, and she's not. I am to deliver and assemble it. Joy.

Big box is dragged to my car, and then into Idiot Girl's house. A clear bit of floor is found, the chinglish manual pictures studied, and a work of modern art emerges, thus:


A crazy fit massage (pink).

The accurate words being a) pink and b) crazy.

Said device is yet another miracle weight loss product. See the black bit at the bottom? Well it violently rocks side to side. For 25 minutes.
I stood on it for 30 seconds and lost 5 lb's and discovered the result is 'pins and needles' in the lower leg area coupled with a loss of ability to walk in a straight line.

This piece of crap cost £135. Another prime example of how Idiot Girl would be queuing to jump off a bridge if other people was doing it.

Those with long memories may also recollect the same Idiot Girl attempted to remove her foot by the medium of horse. As she now gets huge pain when walking I'm sure violent shaking of said foot will be most pleasant.
Still, I'm sure everyone who anyone would love to have such an attractive piece of modern art installed in their house.

Challenge C'riz

No, that isn't an invitation. More a case of sharing success. Yay Me sort of thing.

My man in Doncaster tells me my shiny shiny metal has come in, so proceed to his gaff and hand over the money tout suite. I have an additional task, for I've seen on evilbay a shoppe near to his house have horse stable rubber mats at low low prices. Yes, I don't have (or want) a nag, but they're also good for putting next to machinery for humans to stand on.

Ma Ma makes several attempts to say she will come with me, but no, this is a mission I must undertake alone.

So I drive to shoppe. Walk around a bit until I locate said items. Yes, they look ideal. Snag being evilbay ad says £29.50, sign on mats says £42. A slight difference. Fortunately I have a printout of the evilbay ad, so go in, and using my best mildly insane smile enquire if I can have a mat, but only pay the lower price.

Nice lady was either scared of my insane smile, or hates the bosses as it's mine all mine for £29.50. Yay! Result! I am full of win!

Lazy blog:



I had eliminator on my usb stick on the drive over. No remotely interesting facts about this one, 'cos er I haven't got any. Feel free to share 'em if you've got 'em.

D is for drug

So today I went to the hospital. Hello dermatology department!

Explained my random itching problems to the nice man. Nice man says ah! you're being investigated for wonky liver syndrome***

So I tell him the doctor says that's 'fine' and not really that far above normal people at all. O Reily? he says..... Looks at my results and says it's deffo high enough to give me the mega itch.

Shame there isn't a magic cure tab, eh doc?
Haven't they given you anything to stop it then?
Er, no. Got told to try otc antihistamines that do the square root of.. well, you know.

He pulls out a pad and writes me a script. Try these, if it doesn't work I'm writing to your quack with a list of others to try.

Er, thanks. Wait a minute... I've been putting up with this for years when there is an answer? Boy was I suckered....

So I now have 30 * 180mg fexofenadine. Whatever they are. Joy.

***Stop me if I get too technical.

Toast

I like toast. But it must be made correctly. Well done, crispy texture, hot, lots of butter (melted). There's nothing worse IMHO than cold toast.

The problem is, crap toaster + Ma Ma conspire to produce cold toast. Yes, it's easy to get the correct level of burntness, but to get the butter right and retain heat is very difficult. I suspect not helped by putting it on a cold plate.

So I applied SCIENCE to the problem. How can I get more heat into my toast without burning it to oblivion, or using mega thick slices?

Because I like you all, I will tell you my secret. Burn toast to correct shade with the toaster. Transfer toast to microwave and apply radiation to superheat the toast. Add butter, enjoy!

Ma Ma it turns out has been giving away the secrets of my research to all and sundry. Idiot Girl knows how to make my perfect toast!!!! Turns out she followed the instructions, and denounced my wonderful toast as being, and I quote, "F***ing awful".

Of course, she is full of wrong. I'm not sure why she would undertake to use my method, when (sicko she is) she thinks toast should be 1) minimal butter, and 2) cold.

Er, hello! McFly! hello! Anyone in there? You've used a method that is designed to produce the exact opposite of what you want, and then complain that it's wrong? Think mcFly, Think!

Lego

So I had a idea that could be solved by lego. Tis a long time since I did the brick construction toy thing, and I know Ma Ma will have disposed of mine by now. So I googled lego.

And this came up:



Can you tell what's going on here kids?
The answer be here.

Is it wrong that my initial thought was 'why doesn't his head fall off'?
I dunno, biblical lego is somehow disturbing, yet lego deathstar canteen isn't.

Result

Shock horror, labour wins local election. With predicting powers like this I should play the lottery.

My chosen man, mr "unemployed gizza job, I can do that" achieved 5.02% of the vote. Or to put it another way, 55 votes more than required to get his deposit back. So in a small way I helped a man not lose £500.

Ma Ma has been having 'fun' too. She only managed to get herself on the television being interviewed by man in the street on her views of this election victory. Sadly, this now means everyone knows her views....

Vote!

Today was the chance for the fine people of Barno central to make their voices heard, and to choose a new MP after that slight problem of the previous one being sent to prison for robbing the public purse.

There has even been tv crews in town, speculating on who the winner may be.

One slight snag is, even mystic Meg could predict the result. Labour have won it every time since, oh, 1945. Who do you think is going to win this time kids?

As it's 'special' we have had a lot of potential candidates. But who to vote for? Mr. Wood who last time stood on the platform of "I'm a season ticket holder at Barnsley FC" is not standing this time.

Having given it careful thought I've gone for the man who is unemployed, tired of having no money, and thinks it would be a good job to have, so he's applied for it. (Sort of). A modern day Yosser Hughes.

*************

Musical linky thing from yesterday. Er, well that went badly. Note to self, pick links that persons other than yourself have a hope in hell of getting. I'm crap at this interacting lark, sorry peeps.

Anyway, my links where:

Both made #1 for exactly 1 week.
Artists involved are Scottish.
Both had greater success under different band names.

Will try harder if I do this again.....

Quiet innit?

Sadly there's not much going on to blog about.

I think I've fixed the leak in my land rover, but as it's not rained since it's a bit hard to say for sure. Other not news includes many many miserable hours grinding metal things.

I do hope one day soon to be hypocritical by posting a photo of my neighbours new 4x4. If he ever parks it in daylight hours. I know mine never goes off road, but at least it could. He's chopped in the audi for a mercedes that has wheels of such size they would look too large on a bus, but with elastic bands for tyres thus making the 4x4 part of it totally useless.

I've also booked more Spice events, but suspect they will be cancelled as looks like I'm the only one interested.

Enough of my so called life. Lazy blog:



Can you link this with last week's lazy blogging? I can think of two (count 'em), two! links. My answers on Friday 'cos that will give me something to blog about.

Lazy links

So, to recap last Thursday I lazy blogged Alphaville's "big in Japan".

I now introduce a rather unexciting idea... today's lazy blog links to last week's lazy blog. Woo. I'm underwhelmed so I'm sure you are too.

On with it:


This be Aneka - Japanese Boy.

See what I did there? Don't worry, if I run with this idea I'll come up with less obvious linkage. Knowing the way I think nobody else will make the links, but well, it may be fun for a while.

Exciting facts:
Rather unsurprisingly this was a 1 hit wonder.

Aneka is actually Scottish. People who thought she was really Japanese, please leave the building NOW.

There was an album, also called Aneka. I have it, and whilst I don't play it that often there are situations where it's really good. Like when Idiot Girl is in my car, and it's a really long dull journey that will be livened up by hearing Idiot Girl complain that this is against the Genoa convention*.

Actually, it's one of my favourite high energy 80's albums with a screechy singer. Ok, so it may actually be my only high energy 80's album with a screechy singer.

*Yes, I could tell her, but it's more fun to imagine crimes against cake.