Tuesday, 7 August 2012

De Nile: not just a river

Idiot Girl continues to live up to her name.

A few weeks back, twonko #2 left idiot girl at the donkey place in the middle of nowhere, drove back to  IG's house, and promptly helped himself to everything he considered to be his. He then went home and texted her that it was over, but he still can see them having a future if conditions are met.

See Idiot Girl, it was a really good idea giving him a key.....

Yes, I've left it a few weeks to report this... as of course IG didn't  phone da filth followed by retrieval of key & property.

She's since seen him for some 'rite kegs' and is of course seriously considering getting back together. Cos he's a right laugh int he? Never mind trust issues, kegs come first....

Smart party: lifetime ban....

Friday, 15 June 2012

China Crisis

Idiot Girls beloved aka Twonko #2 aka lardy lump has announced that he's applied for a job. In Australia. And would idiot girl go with him if he gets it?

People of Australia:
Do not fear. Lardy lump is under-qualified to flip burgers in England. The chances of him coming to your land of milk and honey are minimal. DAMMIT !!!

Monday, 11 June 2012

Still (haven't) got it.

So I went to the cinema. But of course did it flid style. Eg, film I want to see ends tonight. I can lie to myself and say I've been busy for the last month, but it's not true. The real reason is of course so that there will be less people there. I was nervous from parking my car onwards. Yes, I managed to function, but not well. I don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of this people thing. Maybe I should just accept it and retire to my garage with the machines....

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Songs I bought on 7 inch vinyl : Sunglasses

Still not dead here... but not a lot of excitement to report. So have this instead:

Tracey Ullman - Sunglasses.

Purchased as an ex jukebox 7 inch for 20p from thoms. I no longer have it, as my stupid sister stole it, took it with her when she moved out and then threw it away. Thanks sis!

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Two tribes

A lazy blog. And a Godley & Creme production I believe.

Monday, 9 January 2012

it's not fair

and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean
yes I think you're really mean

Sang Lily Allen.

Idiot Girl's version had a few more fucks and other similar words in it, and she wasn't talking about poor sexy tiem.

Her complaint was 2 days after seeing a flash of light behind her car, she has a letter saying your car was observed speeding, tell us who was driving. 37mph in a 30 zone. But it's NOT FAIR she got caught... it was dark n raining right, so they shouldn't try to catch you when you're too busy concentrating to notice their silly speed trap.....

Er, if you drove at the speed limit, a) they wouldn't catch you, and b) you wouldn't have to concentrate as hard....

Tuesday, 3 January 2012


Idiot Girl has had her sat nav stolen from her car.
There are no prizes for guessing it's down to her own stupidity.

A) She leaves it in the car when not using it. WRONG!

B) It's stolen without damage to the car.

Eh? How did they get in Idiot Girl?
She doesn't know!
Did you lock it?
I don't have to lock it, it locks itself!

The penny drops.

Idiot Girl is too lazy to press the lock button on the key after getting out of the car. Thus she's been leaving it unlocked, and that's where the theft comes in...

For she is wrong-didly-wrong in her assumption. If you unlock the car, and don't drive off within 5 minutes it does indeed lock itself again. But once you start the engine said function is disabled, which makes sense otherwise all the petrol stations would be blocked with locked kias and bemused owners.

So she expects you to feel sorry for her. Instead you're left with anger that she's so bloody lazy....

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Happy new year

They say end on a song, so I will............

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Is there a doctor in the house?

So today I went back to see the neurologist guy. Who is called Dr. Khan. Which means while I'm in the waiting room I keep getting flashbacks to The Shatner... like this:

I'm 300% certain that Dr. Khan is going to give me the brush off, or tell me to come back in 6 months. I am wrong.

He says my MRI scan was 'normal', whatever that means. But he wants to do more tests. I am to go for an 'visual evoked potential' test. I've had this before... the thing I remember most is the man sanding my head to glue electrodes to it. Meh....

Dr Khan then says if this doesn't show anything, he think a lumbar puncture would be a good idea. I think it's more of a mega terrifying prospect, but what doth I know? If you know more, plz use the space below to tell all:


Lazy blog time:

Hah! Fooled you! Bet you thought I would go for "doctor! doctor!" by the twins of thompson. I'm not always obvious you know.....

Friday, 16 December 2011

Smoke gets in your eyes

Aka funeral time.

Dead guy arrives by horse drawn carriage. Is it wrong that the first thing I think is "I bet they're expecting to scam someone else into paying for this?"

Shuffle into chapel effort to "when a child is born"... not sure of the relevance of this track.

Bullshit bullshit ^n about said dead guy.

Shuffle out to "I will always love you".... again with the relevance thing... I'm sure the lyric intent is about leaving someone you love, but whom with the relationship is now untenable.

Bonus of daughter (14) refusing to leave, with random screaming of "I want my dad".

Seconds of entertainment for er, seconds.

I cheer myself up with this classic recording from Blaster Bates:

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Dead wrong

Uncle 'everybody hates' is dead. We are now officially in the bizarro zone.

Weird #1:
Aunt big mouth (who isn't married to UEH) phoned everybody in, er JULY to say he was about to die any minute... now. A soupcon premature.... BUT... she is then aware that he's down to the final few hours for real this time.... SO decides to go shopping and not tell anyone.

Next day, by the time she gets around to it he's been deado for hours.

Weird #2:
Aunt airhead (the new widow) decides the best way forwards is to go for a full english breakfast with extra bacon at a town centre cafe. She is later observed not winning at bingo.

Evil #1:
Idiot girl thinks of everything possible to say to upset Ma Ma. Sadly it's against the rules to kill her to death and ask for a discount if monster Joe gets rid of two bodies.

Things to come:
Putting the 'fun' in 'funeral'.

Aunt airhead has booked a fry up job, with funeral transportation by horse drawn carriage. Your humble narrator suspects airhead thinks you can order anything you like for funerals, and the government will pay for it. This be wrong to N decimal places.

Aunt big mouth proclaims you can wear bright colours if you want. I can't wait to see the idiots who turn up looking like Colin Baker era doctor who.

I'm going to struggle with the service. It's a cert that it will be difficult not to shout "Bullshit!" a lot as the lies are read out.

Feel free to enter the 'music to close the curtains to" song sweepstakes:

Likely candidates are:
Wind beneath my wings.
Robin hood (riding thru the glen)
Fire starter.

And my own personal worst nightmare:
Aunts big mouth & airhead doing a karaoke duet of "I will always love you.....", as they both think they will be appearing on the next series of Britain's got talent, despite being rejected 7 times so far..

Full event report to come.... possibly including reports of my arrest for punching my mega annoying cousin, and then trying to blame it on grief....

Monday, 5 December 2011

Blah more sleeps till Satan

Soon be Christmas. I can tell cos the shops have had evil music playing for two months now.

So far I've received zero cards. Just to be sure I counted them twice.
But it doesn't get me down. There's a long list of things that does, but if I had a therapist he'd tell me to shut the hell up already.

How was your day?

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

On not learning

My CNC lathe has died. Overall I think it's about broken even on products made Versus cost of said machine. Or to put it another way, I'd have been no worse off if I'd not bought the bloody thing.

Engage the not learning:
Wednesday am is now booked for my CNC milling machine being delivered.

The justifying difference is I'm buying this one from a nice man ™.

I've bought a (different) CNC lathe from him before, and when it went wonky he refunded my money. He's also supplying on the terms of he delivers the mill, and I pay him for it later when I'm happy that it does what I want. So hopefully this won't end in tears....

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Some hearts are diamonds

Some hearts are stone.

Sing it fella from Smokie!

This was on a cd I was listening to sat on the train corridor floor while coming back from getting my tea signed.

BTW, if you want to freak people out, use a sony cd walkman. Watch their eyes spin like fruit machine reels as they try to work it out. They understand headphones, but then their eyes follow the wire, and where's the ipod? W T and indeed F!!!!
Note that I'm not totally behind the curve, as mine will play mp3 cd's. I just don't want to buy into the ipod thing after I discovered the battery is an integral part of it. I like my tech to work for decades, not years thank you vury much!

Er, where was I? Oh yah, Chris Norman, ex Smokie. Big in Germany you know... No surprise it was a German made cd. Ist gud, Jah?

In other news, twas the Misty's birthday this week. I resisted the urge to send her anything, not even a card. It's odd after all this time she's still got the power to make me feel miserable. Never mind, I'm sure when the final scales are used peeps will get what they deserve...

Er, rambling. Sleep now. Sleep good.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Excitement! Adventure!

All of the above have been lacking recently. So on Sunday I did something about it.

I got on the train, and went to not so sunny Birmingham. Where they be holding a 'meet the stars' type event, aka "Empty your wallet on entering plz".

But it was good... apart from the wallet emptying. Those on facebook may have observed my best gimp photo expression with "doctor who classic companions". AKA we used to be on doctor who but aren't now, but why not make a bob or two out of it?

This, however was the warm up to the big challenge. Their 'special guest' was Arthur Darvill, aka Rory on the current doctor who line up. Queue here, pay the man, queue a bit more, say hello to mr. Darvill, he signs your picture, say goodbye.

Except I did it slightly differently. Er, can you have anything signed, or just the supplied photo? Minder tells me I can get anything signed. Oh good!

For I came prepared you see... Hello... could you plz sign me this packet of tea?
Er, yes.... Why?
Why not? The fates of the world could rest on it!

Tea is signed. Plz to get this nutter away from me. Bye!

You know dear reader, it felt good to be odd. I think I'm going to have to try and inject more random strangeness into my life. Suggestions what on a carte postal SVP.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Fast or slow?

You must choose. Choose wisely!


Or slow it down:

Remember kids, gamblin's for fools....

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Brian Damage

I have a letter. It says "I find no problems with this gentleman's brain'.

I also have an appointment for December, where presumably they will expand on this statement.

Woo, and perhaps hoo...

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Albert and the lion

On with it:

Sadly times change, and Blackpool is now noted for drunken idiots and tacky strip clubs. But that's progress for you.

Monday, 7 November 2011

I am a number.

Not a free man. I'm sure I've heard something like that before somewhere...

The big excitement for the day being I am now "HQ49719".
Put the aforementioned number on an envelope instead of a stamp, book the order on the interweb et voila! my post becomes 15 - 30% cheaper instantly.

As I'm paying them £7000 per year to deliver my junk, this is quite a saving. Quite what I'm going to do with said saving I'm not sure. I had this vague idea about excitement and adventure, but it's not really me. Suggestions on a postcard!

Also 'enjoying' the pain thing. Caused by extending my shack of doom. I'm quite willing to admit to being useless at construction, and this time is no different. But it may be worth it in the end. Maybe....

Thursday, 27 October 2011

The drugs don't work

So I went to Sheffield for my MRI scan.

It didn't start well. Car park this way says the sign. This way I went. Car park is a multi storey. Max height 1.83m. My car is 1.9m. That's a no then. Fortunately found a surface space.

Went in the hospital, and a feeling of "this place is knackered" was evident. Dirty, peeling paint, worn out. Went to the reception, and she tells me here is your form, you have to follow the blue line on the floor, but it's a bit worn out. More like there are random spots of blue left here and there. But never mind.

By now I'm expecting the MRI machine to be steam powered, and for them to ask if I've brought any coal for it. But no! There is the usual plaque on the wall. MRI department opened by... and the date is April 2011. So the machinery is new and shiny.

I get jammed in a plastic tube for 15 mins. Fortunately the small space, and noise doesn't bother me. By the end I'm losing time perception, and almost drift off somewhere else. Methinks I would quite like to try one of those flotation tank things..

So I escape, and am told that I will get an appointment for the results at some point. We drive off, and my radio comes back to life as I get closer to home. It's playing the verve - the drugs don't work. Ohhhh spooky!

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Success! Fail! Fear!

We've got it all at C'riz towers.

Success was I phoned the post office people. Using a real phone. And talked to two different humans. And convinced them to do my bidding.

The result of this is I'm now officially applied to have a PPI account. The nice lady says I qualify, and will get it finalised in a couple of weeks. The exciting upshot being I will get post at "business" rate, not man in the street rate. With my own license number.

More exciting, at a quick calculate it will save me £1000 per year. What do I spend my riches on?

Fail was I misplaced the email she sent me. No problem, i'll login to the webmail system that keeps everything. And there it is. I also checked the settings to see why it was missing, to find something odd.

Apparently I'm called "Dave Gulzar" and not C'riz at all. And I've setup to forwards everything to a gmail account... And sent mail show I sent a few thousand people a message inviting them to claim a share of $20 bajillion dollars once they help me, er, Dave, get it out of Nigeria.

I think that counts as my account has been hacked. Sad face = on. Angry face is then on as I try to fight virgin's crap system to change the bloody password and delete 'Dave'. Tis done now, and settings changed that logining in for the first time on any pooter needs a code SMSing to my phone. That should fix it!

Fear is in exactly 13 hours I get jammed into a plastic tube for an MRI scan. Results of which will be notified at some later date says the letter.
Translation: Somebody else can tell you you're going to die, not us.

Monday, 24 October 2011

All I want for Christmas

is glue..... I think that's how the song goes.

Idiot Girl has announced what she desires. Prepare yourself to be shocked. A KINDLE.

I gave you ample bracing time!

Yes, Idiot Girl wants one of Amazon's electronic book thingies. I think this is rather a stupid idea. Idiot Girl's idea of a 'dead good' book is either a) Latest crap twilight vampire nonsense or more commonly b) misery porn. "The really awful story of a poor child, and the wonderful social worker who saved him/her/it" would be her dream title.

Besides the kindle obvious problems of IG will break it / forget to charge it / be too thick to use it, there's the snag that the books are really expensive. Deffo not sold below cost like the paper versions are at the supermarket......

Moi? Well as usual I want leaving the hell alone. You don't need expensive gifts to 'prove' you care.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Crime and punishment

Tomorrow is Friday. Which means it's stained glass class day!

Or 'Paedophile lock down simulator'...

It's now been moved to a skool. Where there are ankle biters at the same time. So you go to reception, sign in and are given your identity badge. You must wear it at all times. You must wait by reception, and not interact with others until the tutor comes to collect you. At this point everyone can be moved to E wing, er the classroom.

Once in class, should you require anything, eg visit to the little boys room you must call reception, await the warder, who will then take you to the toilet.

We went for coffee. As a group, for of course the rules say no one can be left behind. Most of us went down the stairs, the ones less able to walk took the lift. To find the unsmiling droids, blasters aimed. 'You are new here, so we will overlook this mistake once. Do not separate the group again'.

One fool asked about going for a smoke. To be told he must sign out of the building, walk off the premises to the roundabout. (1 mile away). He decided to quit for the day.

What makes it so extra stupid is several times ankle biters randomly wondered into our area. If we're so dangerous, why don't they keep the civilians away from us?

It's rather lacking in fun......

Friday, 14 October 2011

Words with fiends

So I've played a bit of the scrabble like game thing on the book of face. And learned a few things.

1) I'm crap at the knowing of words.

2) Other people know words I have to look up in the dictionary. (I'm looking at you Crawford).

3) It contains words that are made up. Having been bomped several times by people playing 'qis' I looked it up. It's the plural of 'qi'. : see ch'i.
This makes my head hurt. There should be a mode where you have to use the word you're playing in a sentence to prove you've not made it up. But no doubt this would happen.

4) I'm now taking the strategy of play my crap words on the triple point square things. And think about it hard while people on the other side of the planet are sleeping.


In other news, the stained glass class starts today. But in a new location. A school. In school hours. One suspects there will be school pupils there. This cannot end well, and I'm rather unhappy about the prospect.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

I had a dream last night

I'd somehow managed to piss off Barack Obama and Arthur Scargill. Worse, they both turned up at my house at the same time to tell me how angry they where.

Mr Obama arrived in that big car of his with lots of agent Smith look a likes. Mr Scargill turned up in a 2.8 granada, with two blokes with NUM donkey jackets, and a whippet. I was most scared of the whippet.

Tell me of your dreams?

Lazy blog:

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Things to come

I was sent this photo:

Just in case you're doing the Rolf Harris 'can you tell what it is kids?" thing, I'll tell you. It's potentially my new toy, and route to world domination.

It's a CNC milling machine. Which I asked the vendor thereof to demonstrate that it can drill lots of dice. This is his solution. With a bit of up-scaling I think it could be a winner.

In related news, I am having a nice man visit tomorrow @ 8am. Who will attempt to show me how to build a wall in the rain, cold and wind. Yes, it's going to be awful.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Waiting for the end of time

Had this stuck in my head all day, so I'll share and maybe it will escape...

I think the car was prolly a yugo...

Wednesday, 5 October 2011


or Ma Ma makes a crap day worse.

Been feeling rather depressed, everything going wrong, alone in a godless universe, out of shake n vac etc.

I'm in the garage doing the work thing badly. She comes in and says 'Lynn' from the doctors phoned, I said you'd ring them back. Er, what did she want? Oh, you didn't bother asking... thanks a buncheroonie.

For new readers, I hate using phones with a fiery vengeance. Especially having to cold call someone who I don't know when I don't have a clue what it's about. Add in the background radiation misery and I'm seriously not happy. Ma Ma is oblivious, as it's all so easy for her.

So I did it. Turns out they want me to have a flu jab. Er, no. I should be feeling woo! for managing to do it, but instead I replay everything I said and criticize it in my head. I know it's wrong, but it's so easy to fall back into old patterns of thinking, and in a way comforting too if that makes any sense.

Ahead, flid factor 9 mr Sulu.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

After the sun the rain

as teh hymn thing goes...

Sunny bit:

We be currently in a heatwave. Hottest day in October ever sort of thing. So I stopped doing the work thing and took Ma Ma to Haworth. The above be her attempt to take on a medium cone.

Happy was had by one and all. There was ice cream. Insanely steep hills to walk and drive up and down. Trains. Sunshine. Book shops. Park. Tea. Woo and indeed yay!

Here comes the rain again:
Of course I've been paying for it ever since. Mega tonnage of work to do for having a day off. Which I've been doing and almost caught up with now. Except my cnc lathe has now decided to throw a wobbler. Just when I need it. The z axis stepper motor has started stalling on fast moves, so getting the position wrong and ruining the work. I'm at a loss why, for nothing has changed. Tis scaring me silly, as usual when anything goes wrong with said machine.

Idiot Girl is back from her weekend keg, and has turned the stupidity up a notch or five. She's supposed to be ill, and has a signed sick note. Only snag is she's going to the donkey show this week for 2 days, then she's off drinking herself stupid(er) at chavvy shitehole butlins all weekend. This doesn't sound like being ill at all to me.

Then next week she's going to start driving again, but if anyone from work sees her, she was just practising, and she can't really drive yet and so can't possibly go back to work. The usual Idiot Girl urine extraction grade plans. ~sigh~.

In other news I've been CC'd in the the letter from the brain people at the hospital to my vets. It's all quite long words, but from googling it, there's something wrong and time for an MRI to see if that gives them any clues what.
Engage the return of my olde friend the cold ball of ice in the stomach area of doom. It wouldn't be that important if I go wonky in itself, but who will look after Ma Ma if I do? Still, there's always the hope they'll give me the Gallic shrug, 'dunno kid' and the advise to come back if I die unexpectedly.

Thursday, 29 September 2011


Angry person in local blog.... that's me that is.

A lot of said anger is of course caused by Idiot Girl.

She had the plates removed from her foot, and contrary to what she thought is not taking a staring role opposite Michael Flatley in lard of the dance.
I'd be inhuman if I didn't feel a soupcon sorry for the idiot, except she's extracting the urine.

OMG! I'm in so much pain I can't do anything! I need someone to come and change channels on TV for the pain is so unbearable that I cannot use the remote control...

This may be true... Except every weekend when twonko #2 arrives said pain suddenly gets better, and it's rite keg to the max. Strangely there's a remission as soon as the lardy lump sods off home.

Ma Ma is also winding me up with the ebay gig. I sell dice. 20 of them says the advert... But I send the lucky buyer 21, on the baker's dozen system of doing things. I can't be bothered to check every single die for problems, so 1 more = 5%, and it's unlikely they're made >5% defective.

The wind up is every freeking time I sell 40 she asks do they get 2 extra then? Yes, yes they do. She then proceeds to weigh them to 'be sure'. Ma, one extra die isn't going to weigh 100 grams more. It will weigh exactly the same as the last lot. stop it plz!!!

Friends are also annoying.

Eddie Shovelhands for reasons unknown wants to purchase a laptop for his 8 year old child. Which should he buy? Er, any of them... they're all the same these days... just don't buy the cheapest. Simples! Er, no.
I've had about 4.9 billion phone calls that go "Are X any good?". Repeat until you can't take it any more. Methinks he should be more worried about small child breaking it than the maker.

I've also been promised by a bloke who can that he will come and build me a wall. No problem mate, only take an hour. Cancelled on me 3 times so far. I need the wall as the next step in world domination, so looks like the world will be safe for some time yet.

Someone else who is angry: Mr Anderson

Methinks he's angry 'cos Shazza's had all the snags off the barbie and there's only XXXX left to drink.