Tired

Idiot Girl is wearing me down again.

First problem is she wants some ZOMG!!! illegal mega bright light bulbs fitting to her car. The exact same ones she left in her old car. But no problem, I can drive to the store to buy them, Ma Ma can pay for them (£26), and then I can fit them.

So I read the manual for the car. How to change headlight bulb:
Open bonnet.
Remove rubber cover from headlight.
Disconnect wiring plug.
Change bulb. Refitting is reverse of removal.

This is a load of fetid dingo's kidneys! Said car is built in Korea, and I suspect they use small children to fit the headlights. There is exactly 2 inches of space behind the headlight. Surrounded by sharp metal objects. I have large hands. Large hands that now resemble a relief map of the moon. A bleeding gouged oily moon. 45 minutes to change 2 bulbs!

She then wears me down by remote control. This weekends KEG is she's going camping. The weather is forecast to be solid rain. Perchance this is not one of her better plans.

The first phone call is she wants cool box packs. To freeze for the morning. The house is turned upside down looking for them. They're not in the cool box. Or anywhere else. Several hours later Ma Ma remembers she lent them to Idiot Girl last time she had similar stupid ideas and they never came back. (Idiot Girl like to borrow other people's things and destroy / lose/ throw them away).

The phone rings again. Idiot girl wants cooking oil. To cook outside her tent in the pouring rain.

Ma Ma finds a bottle of cooking oil. Ma Ma decides to put a small quantity in a small bottle. Ma Ma dicks around trying to dry the inside of the bottle with a towel. Ma Ma, stop dicking around, there is <2ml of moisture in there, it's not going to harm the oil. Ma Ma ignores me and continues to dick around.

Ma ma adds the oil. The oil now has floating bits of towel in it. throw it away and start again. No! Ma Ma must dick around some more!

Tea strainer! That won't work Ma Ma, too big holes! Dick Dick!
Coffee filter! Too small holes, it will take all night! Dick Dick!
Paper towel!
2 layers of paper towel!
etc etc.

30 minutes later I am losing the will to live. Get in my car, I will take you to the shop to buy new oil for Idiot Girl to cook in the rain! No! I want to annoy you more!

And RELAX.

My only hope is Idiot girl decides to cook inside the tent to avoid the rain, burns the sodding thing to the ground and never goes camping again! That or I have got a brain tumour.

It begins

And I'm going to try not to rant...

Today marks the opening of the "I'm officially evil" season.

Idiot girl now "owns" two houses. New house is full of stuff left by previous dead owner, for he kind of has no use for it any more. So we truck along to new house. Plan being Idiot girl will examine her new domain, and decide what she's doing with olde furniture. 2 hours later and she's not made a single decision. Shall I put it on ebay? Should I get a house clearance bloke?

I know... I'll phone my idiot mate to come round and give her the ten penny tour instead... yeah... Oh look idiot mate.. an old sock.. woo!

By this point I've had enough. "Bugger this for a game of soldiers", as J R Hartley would say. Here is my clicky machine... if you want to take photos for ebay feel free. If you want to get a bloke do that instead. But some of us have jobs we should be doing while you're fucking around not deciding.

So no doubt I've officially "stormed off" and am "not being helpful".

So I do a few hours work, and it's 4:30 pm. I should point out that I've not had anything to eat yet... So I phoned Idiot girl.. what are you doing? Busy rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic... you can come and do bugger all too if you like?

Er, think I'll stay here and have food instead. Feel free to let me know when you want to actually do something worthwhile, or want driving about again.

So now I'm being "difficult"... What was I saying about not turning into a rant?

Kill me now

Idiot Girl's natural state is to tell lies. True, as a social worker it's probably the first skill she was taught, but she obviously wasn't listening when they told her to try and make them believable.

So you get things like a swarm of killer wasps came in the house, killed the dog (that you can see is still alive), and they ate all the ice cream as well before resuscitating the dog (oh, that's why it's still alive then), then they flew away after threatening they would be back tomorrow so get more ice cream in or else ....

I have evolved a simple defense mechanism, do not believe a single word she says. Sadly, other more gullible humans do not use this technique.

Idiot Girl has bought a washing machine from someone on EvilBay. And can I collect it. (which of course translates to I'm telling you, not asking).

Ok Idiot Girl... ask the seller a) the dimensions so I can see if it will fit in my car, b) the address, c) a phone number. Simples, non?

Response via le Ma arrives this morning... address is: blah street, collect any time after 11am.

Er, that's not what I told her to ask, why didn't you do what you was told? Idiot Girl did! I'm just an evil person who believes the worst of poor innocent Idiot Girl.. it's not her fault.. it's a stupid seller... rant goes on for about half an hour.

Fortunately Idiot Girl has an easily guessed ebay password, so I kind of accidentally login to her account. And the message she sent is:

Hello. Could you send me ur address and a convenient time for me to collect please. Many Thanks Idiot Girl

Nice use of text speek there.... but rather lacking in the questions you where supposed to ask. Of course Idiot Girl continues to claim she did ask, despite me having proof that she didn't.

I then have the additional problem of the Ma's "I saw it on TV" view of computers. You know, how on CSI they have a blurry picture of a car, and computer whiz says I'll just see if I can sharpen it up, tappity tappity... and it's as clear as day. Or we need to stop the alien mothership... tappity tappity.. I've hacked into their control console, I'll just get it to crash into the sun...

So I have an address, and of course I can magically find out their phone number using the power of the interwebs... Er, how do I do that then? You just go tappity tappity and it comes up in flashing red letters. Er, no it doesn't... You need a name as well as an address. And when I've got a name from the electoral role search, you still need them not to be ex directory. Can't I hack into the search website and get round that?

At this point I had to make a little speech "GO AWAY!!!!!!! GET IDIOT GIRL TO DO WHAT SHE WAS ASKED TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE".

This rant was sponsored by argh! kill me now corporation.