Self control

Ok, who stole this week?

I've been chasing trying to catch up with work, not made it and now another week's gone as well. Urgh.

Oh well. Onto the lazy blogging.
I bring to you:
Laura Branigan - Self Control



Poor dead Laura Branigan. Brain aneurysm trivia fans. Not very rock n roll, but a death I'd go for as long as I was one of the lucky ones who gets no symptoms other than suddenly being very deado. I wouldn't be that lucky though.

Er, moving on from death.... I've always been a big fan of this track. The video is pants (phantom of the opera...? Que?), but it's a 7 inch I could (and did) play again n again. 1984.. a very good vintage year.

skerrrrKKKKKK

That's the sound of me cutting glass. Though thinking about it I'm missing out on the chance for a lazy blog of a certain Nick Lowe song.

Yes, dear reader, I made it to the stained glass class. And it went surprisingly well! Apart from the bits that didn't work.

Class starts at 12:15pm, so I strolled in the door at 12:10. To find lots of people packing up sheets of glass and walking out. Did I miss it? Confusion reigns, until I find out these are the "advanced" class and they're going home.

I then discover beginners class has a grand total of 3 people on it. Moi & 2 peeps who are friends. Hmmm, no need to be embarrassed in front of lots of people then. But also lots of attention as there be not many people to put the spotlight on. Despite only having to remember 3 names I struggle.

Within 5 minutes the class becomes very hands on. Here's a cutter, here's a chunk of glass, watch this then you have a go. Surprisingly I'm not that bad at at. Possibly because I'm too busy being scared of the people to have any fear left for cuts, glass exploding into shards and other related fears.

It then went a bit silly. Here is a rectangle of glass. Draw a leaf shape on it, and then cut it out like this. I am sinister, so picked up the pen and drew a really wonky awful leaf. I can't draw to save my life. But swap the pen for a glass cutter, and I can follow my wonky line perfectly. The only way I can rationalise it is I've spent many years following lines cutting things out on metal, but no years drawing 'cos I know I'm no good at it.

I also did well on using the grinder, especially after mrs. Teacher demonstrates that its' not possible to grind your fingers with it. I've very used to using grinders that will take your fingerprints off in about 0.7 seconds so this was easy!

All in all, it was quite good fun! And I'm making things, and almost interacting. Yay me!

********
Of course there has to be rain after sun. This is the way of life.... till the world be done...

Sunday is "my" car club's annual show. I turn up, do nothing, talk to no one, mooch around for hours and promptly bugger off home again. I think it's time to admit failure on this one and stop going. Especially as I've not had the right kind of car for 4 years now. EPIC FAIL...

There can be

no understanding between the hands and the brain unless the heart acts as mediator.

There! I've just spoiled metropolis for you. For that be the climax of the film. However, as they put this in the opening credits you wouldn't be spoiled for long if you didn't know, like.

Rewind back to the start, and my adventures in knowing this. Aka wipe off the rabid foam and start again.

Step 1) Walk to town. Slowly, carefully, not panicking and running. Score 7 /10.

2) A return train ticket to teh big scary city plz my man... Followed 35 seconds later by the same man announcing the train is delayed. Bugger. Engage checking watch every 23 seconds. Score 3 /10.

3) Arrive in BSC. I can see the cinema from train station. No need to panic about finding it then.. Engage in "bigging up" I can do this thoughts.
Walk inside, and find my confidence has gone on a skiing holiday at short notice. Fortunately retained enough control not to run away. Pretend to read poster on wall while I get it back together.
Fall back on plan B... Wait for another punter to arrive, and follow them. Thus you know what the expected interaction is before you have to er, interact it. Ok, it's a cop out, but better than running. Score 4 /10.

4) Go to cinema 3. Which contains 10 people. Threat level, minimal. I could almost blend in with said persons. As they be not talking this is very easy. Study cinema. Despite it's arthouse "upmarket" image (All members of staff have a fine museum curator grade beard), it's seen better days. You would think at £3.50 for a small bottle of beer they could afford some paint. Good job I don't drink.

2pm. Trailers start. For arty nonsense I won't be seeing.
2:20pm. Film starts. I've seen said film before, but the quality of said 'new' version is unbelievable. Except they've left the 'extra' 25 minutes of additional footage in "unrestored" condition, to give you a clue where the extra bits are. It must be said I didn't think they added that much. Certainly not the miracle transformation the hype promises.
4:5opm. Film ends. No intermission. No ice cream. Arthouse sucks! I feel the urge to visit the little boys room fast.

I did have a vague notion that possibly I could talk to other people about the said film we had just collectively viewed. I have carefully formulated a viewpoint. Sadly this does not occur as everyone else runs for the toilet, and you can't discuss film while doing so.

5:20pm. Share small space with my fellow man on yet another late crowded train. Teh end...

***************
So I could have done better.... but I could have done worse.

There is of course a much bigger test for Friday. Friday being day 1) of the beginners stained glass course. Terror at defcon 1... interact with people, and do arty things simultaneously. Genius or insanity awaits!

Here I go again

I's not done the blog thing this week. Nothing remotely exciting happening.

But Thursday will be fun. Last chance to see metropolis. I've been 50% putting it off 'cos I'm scared and 50% 'cos the annoying work has got in the way. But I'm going to do it, I'm resolved, so sure that counts for something? Maybe a little? 1/2 a point?

Anyway, on with the lazy blogging:

Whitesnake - here I go again.


I'm sure you'll agree, one of the finer big hair moments of the 80's... If I had big hair, and could actually play guitar I'd want to be one of these guys. Get off my jag though luv!

We have a winner

it's me. Woo. Yay.

Cheque this morning for £25 from premium bonds.

However this does not count as a win in the "I want to win something" scheme of things, as to win the £25 I have £3000 'invested' in premium bonds. And to be a legitimate win it must cost me nothing.

Still, a better start to the day than most.

Waste

of a week. Mostly thanks to Idiot Girl.

Monday was lost to the whole 'no water in car' incident.

Tuesday she can't possibly have the car looked at 'cos she's so busy at work, and can't take my car on Tuesday. She must make a good impression at work 'cos they're 'downsizing' and she doesn't want to be the one to take a bullet in 'Nam. That would be why she turns up here at 3:30 pm.
Er, what happened to the working hard, big meeting thing?
"I told them to F*** off."
Nice. Well done IG. They're sure to decide you're essential staff.

Wednesday IG graciously decides she can do without her (potential grenade) car for 1.5 hours, so I can get up 4 hours early and take it to the garage, but must return it before it turns into a pumpkin. Garage can't find the fault in the time available.

So now I'm a) tired, and b) behind on my own work. Fortunately I can slightly change my plans, and put my goals on hold.
Cinema trip can be postponed as said film has gained an extra weeks run. Otherwise it would have been a choice between the job & improving teh mentals, and job would have won.

Lazy blogging time:
Strawberry Switchblade - Jolene


Null points for knowing who this is a cover of.

They are of course perhaps better known for "since yesterday". But I like this one, so am inflicting it on you.

If you're really bored find the 12" of "since yesterday". It's very funky.

It's a test

designed to provoke an emotional response spot the idiots.

Or an idiot girl story.

IG has a car. A faulty car. There is a leak on the engine coolant, so you have to keep adding more water every week or you will kill it. (Because she's too tight to have it fixed).

Today IG comes out of the house, hello flowers, hello trees, chizz chizz. Opens the bonnet and pours in the water. 0.7 seconds later the very same water appears underneath the car on the floor. Confused IG adds even more water with the same result.

Pretend you are IG (It's permissible to hit yourself round the head several times with a heavy object).

Do you:
a) Carefully take note of where the leak is. Put the keys back, walk 200 yards to my house and borrow my car?
or
b) Close the bonnet. Drive to work with no water in the car engine?

I'm sorry, but there is no prize for guessing she chose option b).

I am informed of this shortly afterwards, so phone her. IG, pour as much water in as you can and come home very carefully, and take my car or you will kill it. IG thanks me by pouring forth a torrent of abuse and obscenities. She cannot do that and must drive it 50 miles today and if it blows up it does.

Eventually I manage to convince the genius not to be so sodding stupid. The entertainment doesn't end though, as on her return it no longer leaks. A magic leak. So I do the only thing possible, and book it in the garage for professionals to check it and fix it. Of course I'm wrong to do so as she needs to drive 300 miles that day and can't drive my car, she wants to blow up her car 150 miles from home.

*sigh* Why do I even bother?

Lion face. Lemon Face.

Plz to observe:


Oh look, I've filled big bits of the screen already. Now to yap about the weekend.

Lion face: hah!
Or the things that I got right.

I'm signed up to the "stained glass beginners" course. I went to enrolment (avec Ma Ma), but did it myself. "Ma Ma, sit there and don't say anything unless I've been stuck in handling it for five full minutes."

It was easy...
Tell me about this course plz?
It's a beginners course in stained glass on Fridays. Er, that's all I know. Do you want to do it?
Ok.
Fill in this form.

So maybe I should have tried a bit harder in getting more information, but a) it only cost £5 and b) the course itself isn't important. It's the terror of going and interacting with people.

Lemon face: oooh!
The fail bits.

Empowered by the sign up process, I took Ma Ma, and we went to the heritage open day at the forge. I last went there about 15 years ago, so should be interesting to see what's changed. Answer, not a lot. Methinks they just don't have the money.

The fail is, Ma Ma took over. I'm supposed to be interacting, and do not as she answers the questions before I've had time to think. True, I should have perhaps devised a subtle signal for her to shut the hell up, but I'd have thought earlier talk about being on a quest to interact and let me do it would have been remembered. Could have been worse.

So now I've "just" got the cinema challenge to do this week. Then I can either give up as a total failure, or start thinking of more terror challenges. I'm almost optimistic. Well, as close as I get to.

Adverse reaction

Oh dear. It's worse than I thought.

After planning the 'visit cinema' task, I felt that I should plan some more blood curdling terror human interaction experiences. But what?

Then the free 'newspaper' arrived, and the answer. A leaflet for "family and community" courses. That I can do for £5. I'll do a course! Meet people, learn to hate them, that sort of thing.

But which exciting thing to do? Oh dear... it's a bit of a thin choice list. Sign language, no. Cake decorating, no. Ankle biters, definite no. Stained glasswork? That's different... it'll do. Slight snag, no actual details, just the instruction to pop in and visit our centre for details. Niet problemski, I'm going to town with Ma Ma, it's on the way back.

Wrong. Wrong to N decimal places. Drove back, got to within 200 yards, couldn't do it. Worst panic I've had in 2 years, I just could not go left. Ma Ma makes it worse by asking why we're not going, and I come out with about 5 (rubbish) reasons. She doesn't get the hint that I'm going mentals again, and proceeds to make me feel really awful and pathetic.

Still, full ahead and trust in the Lord. I may have another go at it tomorrow. And if it doesn't work I've got my sights set on another day out interacting on Saturday. I can't fail at everything (I hope).

Tubetastic Thursday: Chance

Thursday already. For some reason Thursday is always the day idiots crawl out of the woodwork.

Sold: Ball for land rover defender.
Me: What colour would you like?
Them: It's for a land cruiser.
Me: Argh! Fx: Brain explodes.

The word land is in both items. That's the only thing in common. And of course because I don't know what spec the land cruiser is, and they don't either, it must be my fault. Never their fault.

Also been Idiot Girl'd. Idiot Girl hears a noise... and instantly identifies it's a rat in her loft. I am commanded to go and check for presence of said rat. No... no to 10 decimal places. I have better ways to waste my time than look for imaginary noises.
Put a trap there IG.. if it goes bang! you had a rat. (This does not apply if simultaneously your fingers are hurting). If it does nothing then you made it up yet again.

I'm still planning my assault on precinct 9 visit to the cinema. Is it cheating to calculate when it's most likely to have less people there and go then?

I bring to you:
Big country - chance


I heard this on the radio earlier, and had totally forgotten about it up 'till then. In fact I had to use the magic phone song identifying thing to find out what it was.

It's been stuck in my head since, so it's only fair that I share the earworm.

Challenge C'riz

Preamble: Or recent history of C'riz

As should be fairly obvious, I've got a history of teh mentals. I haz social anxiety disorder.
Or to blag a bit from wikipedia:

Social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing. It exceeds normal "shyness" as it leads to excessive social avoidance and substantial social or occupational impairment. Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Possible physical symptoms include "mind going blank", fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache, nausea and gagging. Cognitive distortions are a hallmark, and learned about in CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). Thoughts are often self-defeating and inaccurate.

Rewind a few years and I did nothing. My only interaction with the real world was via a keyboard. Then I got shrinked (above noted CBT), and things where right with the world. La la la, I'm cured!

Except.. you never are cured. All you've done is learned how to act in a different way to counteract your problems. Your fundamental nature isn't changed, instead you are relying on techniques to make life possible.

The problem is, I'm noticing a return to old habits. Magnifying failures instead of forgetting about them and moving on. Doing less things. Taking less risks. Shopping at 11pm when it's me and the shelf filling monkeys. It would be so easy to withdraw from the hard world, and pretend I'm happy doing it.

When I was being shrinked, I found it helpful to "go on a mission". Plan something terrifying, and go and do it. In many ways I've not stopped doing this. The visits to Misty land where big and important journeys into the unknown.

Now I need something smaller, as I'm not up to the big challenges. And I have it.... I will go to the cinema. To see the "slightly longer" new version of metropolis.

This be not as easy as it sounds.
1) Limited release. So I will have to go to the big bad city on a scary train full of scary people to see it.

2) Art house cinema. I know the rules for 'normal' cinema. I don't for art house... and not knowing the rules is my worst fear.

How do I dress?
Who are the other people there? No doubt they're going to be from a "better" social class.
Can I hold it together for a film with over 2 hours runtime?

If I think about it I can come up with a thousand ways in which this is a bad idea. Which of course is why I must do it. But any hot tips from clever people would of course be appreciated.

Suggest me up

I's noticed my blog roll thingy over there >>>>

be looking a little on the sad. As in full of people who I once loved to read, but appear to have stopped doing the blog thing. If it wasn't for ms. R. Mamblings, and the various projects of S. Duck it would grind to a total halt.

So... please to suggest me up some new blogs.

Ps... I may have an announcement tomorrow. But if I announce it I may then have to do it, and it scares me silly. So only may...

POIDH

Just remembered, I owe you a POIDH.

So here's Idiot Girl with the offending kite. Note the special out of control holding technique. Note the pointyness of the kite. Note proximity of IG to my good self.



Kersplat over with.....

IG has been making life difficult today as well. IG's house insurance is due. Ok IG.. go and join quidco, buy insurance via the link on their website and get cash back. Kerching, money saved!

Simples, no?

No. Ma Ma returns from IG's house, and is all shouty at me. Mumbling something about a code, and has IG got a discount or not? Tried to explain calmly that if she's followed the uber simple instructions then yes she has... if she hasn't then no she won't. Did she follow the instructions?

Apparently I'm not helping. Oh, excuse me while I rewind time so I can supervise her doing what any 3 year old would be capable of.

And relax.

Thursday already?
I bring to you:
Justin Hayward - forever autumn.



This be of course from war of the worlds.

I used to ( and still do) absolutely love the album, and could spend days listening to it. One of the big downsides of going to cd's is the booklet you got with the LP's looks very poor when shrunk to cd case size. Hmm, showing my age there.

IG hates war of the worlds, so it's always on my usb stick just in case she's in my car.

Forever autumn has been stuck in my head all day, as a) it's turning into autumn fast with leaves falling, and b) that blogger who I said I wouldn't allow to make me sad any more is doing. I so need to go out and find real world friends. Maybe next year...

Kylie

Plz to observe this Stock, Aitken & Waterman production:



Now I know what you're thinking.

a) It's not lazy blogging day C'riz.
b) Argh!

But none of the above are the point to this post. The theme if you didn't catch it is "I should be so lucky". For I have a new exciting quest to waste my days on. I'm going to find out how lucky I am.

This is actually a repeat experiment, but I last ran it in 2006, so it could be worth a rerun. I'm going to attempt to win things on the interweb. Enter lots of competitions until I win something exciting*
Last time it worked out at one prize every 6 weeks. I got bored before I won anything big though.

Wish me luck!

*Previous winnings: dvds, book token, toothbrush, inflatable donkey. Woo!

My Holiday

by C'riz, class 2B.

Today was the day. Loaded up the disco with Ma Ma, Idiot Girl et Sasha le dog. Off we trundled towards Scarborough, which is approx 2 hours & 90 miles that way. (points north east).

But first lets go to Filey, for they have a section of beach where you can take your dog. Dumped my 4x4 in a disabled space, and then promptly made everyone think "what a faker", when a volvo tried to park behind me, so I pushed my disco forwards a foot so he could get in. Ma Ma is the disabled one, but they don't know that.

Walked onto beach, via the ice cream shop as Idiot Girl is one of the people that sees ice cream and must have. Sasha a) goes nutso running about b) discovers what waves are (and doesn't like them) & c) lets several other dogs steal her ball.

A small break for feeding time at the zoo, a visit to the arcade for me, more beach for the dog, and then it's on to the main event in Scarborough. We arrive for the model navel warfare. Despite having a commentator that needed to learn when to shut the hell up it went rather well. Apart from dogs don't like things that go bang.

What else shall we do? Hmmm. A walk that way. That way being the new and shiny park. It was very nice, but I actually liked it more before in it's ruined splendour. But I'm strange like that.

Let's go fly a kite. Up to the highest height. And send it soaring. Er. no. Minutes of entertainment spent deciphering the chinglish instructions. Ok, Idiot Girl, you have control of the lines, I have hold of the kite. I will throw it into the air and you will fly it!

Oh dear, it's crashed. Repeat x 5.... But then success! Fly fly fly! I quickly grab my mobile and take a photo of the kite flying. I put it back in pocket, and the kite then arcs downwards. At a rather high velocity. Straight for me as it happens.... Blammo!

The plastic reinforcing pointy bit (stop me if I'm getting too technical) smacks straight into the bridge of my nose. I drop like a sack of spuds going argh! Man down! Medic! and other dramatic things. The dog at this point thinks it would be great fun to attack me as well, so I'm splat with a dog sat on my head. Marvellous. How we all laughed!

All the fun must end, so we trundle homewards. On the way back I can feel myself getting rather tired, so having no fear of death ask Idiot Girl if she would like to drive. I figure my car doesn't have long to live now, so what's the worse that can happen? We arrive back, and there's still 11 miles left before it hits 150,000 miles. So I may even get another week before it blows.

Final score: Apart from injury, a most successful day. Idiot Girl wasn't a PITA for a change. It didn't rain. And nobody tried to sneak take that's greatest hits into my cd player. Woo! Yay!

Tubetastic Thursday: Maria Magdalena

Thursday....

I bring to you:
Sandra - (I'll never be) Maria Magdalena



This made a remarkably poor #91 on the UK charts back in 1985. Which is rather surprising considering it's success in Europe.

It contains one of the essential 80's instruments, the guitar styleee keyboard. Whatever happened to them? Did keyboard players one day wake up and realise they're never going to be cool, and they should be happy to be stood at the back, and get the occasional closeup of them tinkling the ivories?

If you're thinking I can place the voice, but not the face, Sandra was at one point mrs. Cretu. In case you're still thinking eh???, think "Enigma".

I doubt I'll ever be Maria Magdalena either. But I can dream....

*************

In unrelated, wish me luck, for on the morrow I depart with Ma Ma, Idiot Girl & Sasha le dog for Scarborough. Excitement, adventure, and random shouting when IG doesn't get her own way are sure to follow.

Selfish

It's either me or Idiot Girl. And I'm voting for Idiot Girl.

Last year Ma Ma and myself didn't go on holiday. This was due to the whole Idiot Girl tries to remove her foot via the medium of horse accident, so we can be her personal slaves while she puts her foot up. Understandable.

This year, well, we're going nowhere again. Idiot Girl now sort of functions, and is back working, driving cars, doing stupid things with horses, the usual crap. We're going nowhere as we are now Idiot Girl's very own personal dog sitters. So no holiday for us, as who will look after Idiot Girl's dog?

After a comment on the weekend, it was very hard not to want to give her a good kicking. We went shopping for 1.0 earth hours. At the same time IG wanted her dog looking after so she can go do something mind numbing with her homies. She phones up bitching, and I quote "I only get two days off a week".

I am self employed. Other self employed slaves will also no doubt struggle to remember when they last had two consecutive days off. I think mine was in May.

It's made more annoying, as she doesn't get 2 days a week off... It's more like 2 days a week ON. If you add up how much time she skives with "flexi time", "working from home", "visiting a client" and the other scams she uses to avoid actually going and doing work.

So, no holiday as we are dog owners apart from the odd few hours when she actually wants the dog to go do moronic things with her friends with dogs.

It then came to my attention that summer is rapidly running out. If I can't have a week, I can have a full day, and go see something? Surely this is not too much to ask? I even know what... Oh Ma Ma, would you care to accompany me for a day at the seaside? There will be excitement, adventure, and people pretending to be warships in a lake.

You guessed it, yes we can go, but it must be a day when we can take Idiot Girl + dog, or we can take the dog on our own. IG has somehow managed to find yet another day off work, so looks like it's her too. I half wish I wasn't going, as it's going to be a long day. Dog = can't go inside anywhere, or on the beach, or well, just about anything really. I've got nothing against the dog, but it would be nice to have a day where it isn't just dumped on us.

Cake

"I've bought you a cake" sayeth the Ma.

"Oh. Er, what kind of cake?"

"A chocolate one. Look!"

I looked. It is indeed a cake. A chocolate one. A chocolate one with icing. A balloon and the words "happy birthday".

"Er, it's not my birthday????"

"I know. But they where £1.50 on mad Jack's stall on the market".

I've not enquired why Jack is mad. Or if this is related to him having a job lot of cheap birthday cakes. Sometimes it's best not to know. Plus I can pretend I'm the Queen with two birthdays per year. Even if I didn't get cake on my real birthday.

Tubetastic Thursday: Voyage Voyage

Urgh.... The day job gets to me sometimes.

I have an idiot who has bought an item that is custom made to their specifications. Problem #1.. they can't be bothered to tell me their specifications. So I've been emailing them every freaking day for a week.. no reply.

Until today. Message from idiot... I don't have my item! rant rave! As usual it's my fault that I can't remotely read their tiny little mind. And no, I still don't know what they want. It will prolly take them making several threats & more complaints before I get it thru their thick heads that they are the source of the hold up.

And of course there's the usual round of "I've bought 2 items, give me a discount!". No.... 2 items is not a trade / bulk / wholesale / discountable amount.

And relax.....

Lazy blogging time. I bring to you:
Desireless - voyage voyage.



The astute will have noticed that this is in fact in French. It made #5 here in the UK. Bizarrely the same year Vanessa Paradis also did well with "Joe le taxi". French pop songs where in, for five whole minutes.

At the time I was in skool. And le teacher had the bright idea of livening up yet another dull french class by having us all attempt to write our own french pop songs. It was awful. I can't remember much else, as my brain has blocked it out for my own protection. There's a big sign that says "Awful. Ask not!"

I got a grade C in French GCSE. Technically this classes as a win, and not a thicky gimp. I got a grade D in English, which is full of fail.

Shame I can't remember much about the rules of either language now. And the Spanish I did for 2 years has faded even more.
Not that it would have done much good, as all it prepared you for was the ability to get a return train ticket to La Rochelle, purchase a croque monsieur, shout ZUT! if you burned your fingers and then bugger off home.

Haircut 100

As peeps may have worked out, I tend to write my nonsense the day after it's happened. It's nice to sit down with a cup of tea after midnight when it's quiet, the day's work is done and it's 'me' time.

Today's big excitement was, as peeps on faceache may have spotted, I got my hair cut shorter. A bit like this:



I be repeating it here for those friend(s) of mine who call round my blog every six months to find out if I'm dead yet, and if so what they've inherited. (Hi Rob!)

Plz to note said photo was taken using my mobile, with a (genuine) blind woman at the controls. I'm not really as wide as a house.

So why after 15+ years of being stuck in the 80's a change?

1) Tired of it. Getting caught in machinery, trapped under vehicles etc gets boring fast.
2) Instant weight loss with no dieting.
3) New look, new me. I can go out in the big bad world and be instantly successful and stuff. Ok, maybe not.

Plus, tis still quite long and I can grow it back in no time at all if I feel like it. It's only about 5 inches shorter.

Of course it didn't all go smooth sailing. I go to the sweede cut place, and the lady says what do you want doing today?
So I told her, and we agreed on how much and all was well. Except then the Ma steam rollers in and starts telling her what I want as if I'm a total retard who can't act for myself. Ok, this be true sometimes, but today I had it under control.... Engaging embarrassment in 3..2...1 .... Houston, we have embarrassment, lock n load!

Snippity snippity, paid my £3 and left.

Bonus challenge! Can you name any haircut 100 song without googling?
All I can think of is "love plus one".

My head hurts and I'm really tired

It's been a fun day for once!

Decided to venture out of the house & went 100 miles south to the uk pinball party.

Not a lot of party actually happened due to not actually talking to anyone, but who needs people anyways? I did get to play a lot of pinball, and also the "I wish I had more space so I could own more machines" wishing game. (I have two already, and they soon fill a room).

Then I got to drive 100 miles back north, complete with banging headache. 100 or so machines + people = lots of noise = argh!

Despite the pain and none interaction, I'm going to consider this one a success. I did ask several people who I know like these things if they wanted to go, and they where all too busy leading normal lives. Up until this morning I wasn't going to go, as turning back to the dark side of "can't do it" and "hide in my own little world".

But then I thought a) I want to go! and b) my "friends" will only mock that I didn't go. (teh mentals, oh so funny eh?)

So yay me! Paracetamol plz.

Sinister

Today is Friday the 13th.

It's also International Left Hander's day. Clicky
Nice planning there guys!

It prolly comes as no surprise that I'm flid handed. Engage the lefty power slogans of "being in your right mind", and claims of increases artistic & creative abilities over normal people. It's a load of honk! Or, they must have run out of those by the time I got to the front of the queue.

Still, there has been some fun bits. The year in primary skool with the old bag teacher who prefers old fashioned methods of teaching. (Hit the child if they attempt to use the left hand).
Or the junior school that decided biros are the devil's tool, what with being French and all. So you must use real ink pens.... not much of a shock that I don't write at all well is it?

On the bright side I will probably die younger because of it. Death by some right handed large piece of machinery I suspect. Yes, you can get flid handed scissors etc, but after a life time of using right handed stuff badly, they don't actually help. I can use right handed scissors better than left handed ones.

I am very logical, can visualise how things work which is prolly why I'm better with machines than people. Not sure this is a lefty trait though, I'd guess it's more a borderline autistic thing. Not that I's been tested for autism, well, not that I can remember. I'm also good with maths but crap with words. Again, prolly 'cos maths follows rules and logic, and words don't.

Er, not sure where this is going now. Best stop. Yes. Woo! to other flids out there!

Tubetastic Thursday: All by myself

Thursday. Yes it is.

I bring to you:
Eric Carmen - All by myself



Please note this is not (for a change) me being whiny boo hoo I'm all alone in the big evil world. The radio played the first 10 seconds of this earlier and then went to the news. So I just had to look it up. I reserve the right to be whiny later, but currently am planning on retreating into my own little world where real life is not required.

Observations.

This is 1976. And yet another industrial accident in the glue factory. Eric was kind enough to do a benefit gig for all the poor workers with their feet glued to the floor. I feel extra sorry for the poor immobile girl glued to the stage behind him.

Top of the pops hired at great expense an invisible drummer for this performance.

Bits of this are of course stolen from a classical piece. Cleverer ones than myself won't have to look on wikipedia to name which one. Messr. Bowie also nicked bits from the same piece.

Eric Carmen was guilty of "hungry eyes" in the 80's. Which of course was massive because of the chick flick "dirty dancing".

Youtube is still cross promoting the "plenty of fish" dating site on every video I watch. I wish they'd go back to trying to sell me sand and cement like last week.

Does what it says on the tin

As the old ronseal slogan used to go. But I'm not talking varnish here.

I'm talking toothbrushes. Mine has lost it's shaking skills due to the battery failing so it only holds charge for a day. Of course in the modern world we live in the battery isn't replaceable. As this is something that is held in close proximity to my face I'm not going to attempt to bodge it just in case it happens to blow up. Not that explosions are common with my work. (Cough).

So. New one required. Ma-ma has an all singing all dancing one. Why don't I get one of those?

So onto the interweb. Hers now isn't all singing any more. Their crack team of rocket surgeons have created an even more powerful dead brilliant device, the oral-b triumph 5000! A very close second to the clean that only the dentist can produce, available for you to enjoy at home.

Throwing caution to the wind, I bought one. And I can confirm it is very much like a visit to the dentist.

To whit:

• It cost £90 on special offer. RRP £150. Genuine dentist blow to the wallet.

• Just like a visit to the dentist, my gums are bleeding. This will "probably" stop in a few days the manual advises.

• Uber giant oscillating head is great for catching other teeth with and giving that bone jarring sensation of fear.

• Genuine dentist style patronising smart guide system! Using RFID technology a separate display unit tells you when you're doing it wrong, and issues a smiley face when you get it right, and your two minutes of recommended bleeding are over.

• Bewildering array of accessory brushes.

I'm told I will get used to it. I'm not so convinced. It could be good for cleaning alloy wheels though.

Encounter in aisle 23.

Today I took the Ma shopping at tescos. Aisle 23: breakfast cereal. We want porridge, at the other end.

Halfway down there is a woman. Who keeps getting in my way whilst looking at a box of fruit n fibre. After several attempts to get around her I stop in the hope she will go away. She then deposits her box of cereal in my trolley.

"Er, wrong trolley" was all I could say. Methinks she was too engrossed in reading the nutritional values to look what she was doing.

The odd thing is I'm more embarrassed than she was. I don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of this human interaction thing.

I am so tired

It's 3am, and although I should go to bed, I'm not doing.
Downsides of this include:

Metallic taste in mouth.

Reading ebay descriptions, but the voice in my head is saying them with a welsh accent. A bit like that woman off hi-de-hi.

Evans loses one million listeners

Clicky: Evans loses one million listeners

Did you check behind the fridge?

(Sorry. Just a sudden attack of schadenfreude at the failure of the annoying tosser.)

Tubetastic Thursday: I got 5 on it

I'm in pain because of a 'charity' bloodsucker.

Time: 7 am
Place: bed
Action: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Suddenly there's a huge clang as someone slams the house gate violently. I awake with a huge start, and jar my shoulder. Who's slamming the hell out of my gate? Why?

Investigation reveals it's some idiot delivering yet another "please give us clothes for the starving millions" bag scams. We get a gajilion of these posted every week.

The scam is they're made to look like it's for charity, but if you read the small text you will notice there isn't a registered charity number at all. This is because these scumbags pretend to be charity, you give them clothes which they then sell for vast profits for themselves.

So now I have a painful shoulder. Boo.

Onto Tubetastic Thursday. I bring to you:
Luniz- I got 5 on it.



Normally I'm not very much into rap type stuff. But this is good. It's refreshing to not have every other word be about bitches, guns or the F word. Ok, it's drugs to the max, but you can't have everything.

Woo!

The new drill spring arrived, and with a bit of fettling it fits and works! Yay, I can make holes again!

Slightly less pleasant, had to go to Idiot Girl's and fit more ram to her pc. Just looking at this keyboard makes me feel dirty. The bad kind of dirty. Filthy child!




Whatever you do, don't view large unless you've had a recent tetanus shot.

Lucky me

Maybe.

On Saturday a spring went boing! in my drill and broke. Sadly I need my drill a lot as my 'job' involves making lots of holes every day.

So I searched on the interweb, and discovered the people who made it have the attitude of if there things break you should throw them away and buy a new one. No spare parts.

This is not a philosophy I believe in. It's important to repair things until they can be repaired no more, as there is only a finite amount of raw materials that shouldn't be wasted. I'm tight too.

So I've been to the shops and found a similar machine made by someone else that has a similar looking part fitted. Phoned their helpline and they can supply for £10 delivered. So hopefully tomorrow will be my lucky day, and £10 of parts saves £200 of new machine.

Tubetastic Thursday: DDDBMT

Before I start with the lazy blogging day, a tale of Idiot Girl.

The other day Idiot Girl complained her printer was not printing her uber important document, and was smearing all the text. Have you tried cleaning it idiot girl? Of course, I'm not stupid.

So today I went to see what the problem was. Printed a test page, the colours are ok but black is awful. A bit like this keyboard.. it's full of crisps, biscuit fragments and other things I don't even want to think about. Hang on... so is the rest of the room... apart from the printer.

Kerching! That was the penny dropping for you too? Yes, Idiot Girl has cleaned the printer casing, not the print heads. One clean cycle later and it's back printing.

Onto Tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Dave Dee, dozy, beaky, mick and tich - The legend of xanadu



A 'friend' of mine bought me their greatest hits cd as an oh so funny birthday present. Sadly he'd underestimated just how much of a sick bunny I am when it comes to music, and I quite liked it.

Trivia:
Alternate universe rich Dave Lister in red dwarf calls his home Xanadu in reference to this song, and not the movie Citizen Kane.

Dave Dee is deado. I think the rest of them are still alive.

You can drive your neighbours insane by playing this followed by Olivia Newton-John's Xanadu over and over again. It's only fair after their children got recorders and only managed to go "parp parp parp" badly.

I will remember you

No, I'm not stopping teh blog. How could I let down my 1 follower? Or the people who visit for "broken leg girl porn"? (google, you're getting it wrong).

I'm giving up on little miss M. Yes, I may have got it wrong a bit, but I said I was sorry. (even if I'm not totally convinced I was wrong, lets forget it and move on).

After weeks of no reply to emails & no response to texts I got the courage today to try and phone. And I hate phones. Hate them with a fiery vengeance. But it goes to answer message.

So I'm giving up. I wouldn't be as hurt if I got one reply by carrier pigeon that said to go away, but when it's the silent treatment, well I don't know what to think? It's sod off? She's gone nutso again and not talking to anyone? I just don't know. Short of a train ticket to Londinium I've no other way of finding out, so there's no choice but to give up really.

I know she will never read this, but even if you're not my friend any more I will still be yours. I'm here if you decide you want me after all. I will remember you.....

Technology

I hate it today.

The past few days I've been thinking that pooter is making a lot of noise. It got on my nerves enough today that I opened the side and vacuumed out the dust & dead things, and then went on to find out which fan has dried out bearings.

Except, tis not a fan. Tis yon hard drive. The one that's making the rumbly noise and shaking. This cannot be a good thing. Fortunately it's only an old small one, so copied the data elsewhere and fixed it by unplugging. I can now hear a screaming fan that it was masking, but not bad enough to take it apart again.

I've also bought a fonero. Decided it was time I added wireless to the house, and it has geek features that appeal to me. More technology hate as I struggle to set it up. Turns out my software firewall doesn't like it and was quietly throwing toys out the pram so it wouldn't work.

Got it going, and was shocked! shocked! I tell you, to discover there are 4 more wireless networks available to my house. I am the child on the slow bus. Late to the popular kids party.

Where did I lose it? I's been online from when mosaic was the browser of choice. Back when normal people didn't have pooters. Back when you typed "Eat shit and die" into search, and was actually shocked at the resulting website...

But the common man has over taken me. I feel old.

Too much of a good thing

We went to the park today. To do (boring) car club related things. Took Idiot girl's dog, and watched it run about like a loon for a bit.

And it's a fairly nice day. So I said lets have an ice cream. Ma says to only get a medium one as you get lots. Ok.. two medium cornets plz.

Ma has never been more accurate. Medium (cost £1.75 ea) is more like bloody huge. Width at interface with cornet is approx 5 inches. Ice cream is then piled on to a height of about 7 inches in a badly balanced cone shape. This is the largest ice cream I've ever had in my life. Even bigger than they appeared at age three.

Snag is, normally you have to eat ice cream fairly fast to get thru it before it melts everywhere. But this is huge. Hugely huge! I rapidly have the cold food headache, and the size appears to have diminished not a jot.

By the time I've finished it, I'm sure the ice cream seller is actually being paid to put people off buying ice cream ever again. A bit like the child caught smoking being forced to smoke a gajillion cigs as punishment. I'll be honest, halfway thru I was tempted to accidentally drop it on the floor.

Ma tells me afterwards that Idiot Girl always has at least one of said ice creams on every visit to the park. And she visits regularly. No wonder she's got an arse the size of a bus.

I know what's coming next. This post useless without pictures. Well, when Idiot Girl returns I will go with her back to said park, and get photos. Not sure I'll have another myself.

Bring me edelweiss

I'm an ebay powerseller. It's my job. This means I have to professionally deal with the stupid and rude on a daily basis.

Today's idiot wound me up though. I quoth:

(idiot) has sent a question about: Item not Received
Have you only just posted it today? I bought it on the 18th

Yes, it was posted to you today (Wednesday). That's why you got an email telling you "It's been posted today!"

The 18th was Sunday. Whilst the poor drones at the supermarket are working the post office, good old British institution that it is isn't. The listing says posted within 3 working days. Monday - 1, Tuesday - 2, Wednesday - 3..... Ask a grown up to help you if you're struggling with the counting.

The worst of it is, 4 morons like this in a 3 month period, and I lose my fee discount for not toadying around twunts enough.

AND RELAX.

As it's Thursday now, I bring to you:
Edelweiss - Bring me edelweiss



Now you may be thinking that's familiar???? Or you may not.

Of course this is more than a soupcon rip off of Abba's SOS. But it's supposed to be, for 'tis a song created by following the rules in the KLF's manual.

Stevie Wonder

No new year's day, to celebrate....

So I went to the opticians. And as usual there has been a change of staff so you get a new optician who hasn't read your notes at all. So you get to make him pause on the questions that most people go no no no to. But I go yes, yes, yes!

Anyone diabetic in the family? Er, it's a shorter list of the people who aren't. Even shorter if you go for people who aren't who are still alive... Ditto other boring medical things.

Any problems with double vision? *sigh* Yes... read my notes... I go wonky in the range up to 18 inches. Oh yes, you do appear to be wonky...

So as usual ask what the prognosis is, and as usual nothing he can do for me. I could have some specs made for reading with only that I won't be able to see to walk around with. Been there, got the t shirt, they're no use at all unless I want to get sudden headaches.

Well I could try these eye exercises... The same ones I've been trying for the past four years? Yes, they don't work either.

But on the brightside he was a very nice man, and did listen to me without trying to rush thru it as fast as possible. And he didn't try to sell me more specs with the lie that perhaps the current ones are a bit scratched and new ones would sharpen things up a bit.

He was also a Sikh. If I ever feel the need to go for religion, I'd consider Sikh. Those bangles are pretty cool.

Ow.

At the end of May I went with teh Misty for a weekend away. We all know how that ended (emphasis on end...) but I also somehow managed to hurt my knee in the process.

For 4 weeks my knee was making audible clonks, but I could live with that. Take the anti inflammatory tabs and it will go away....

Wrong! It stopped clonking overnight. And instead decided dull pain + random argh! stabbing pain would be better. So phoned the doctors who tell me there may be an appointment in 6 weeks time, but don't bet on it. And if it hurts I have their permission to phone up every morning in the hope that someone has died while waiting for their appointment and I can take it.

Today was my lucky day! So I hobbled there to see what the experts say...

Lie on my bed thing. Does it hurt if I bend it this way? No, it hurts when I put weight on it. and really hurts when I go down stairs. What about if I bend it that way? Nope!

Result: Industrial grade anti inflammatory tabs. If not fixed in 3 weeks go back at the next available dead guy appointment to be referred to physiotherapy. Of course now it's night it's hurting like hell itself. Delayed reaction to the nice man giving it some twisting methinks.

And if that's not enough medical excitement tomorrow I get to have my eyes tested have them attempt to pimp me the latest designer frame specs.

I'm not looking forwards to growing old as I think I'll be dead by then.

Concrete

I want some.

Or more precisely I want to extend my garage, and fix a few other things that need immovable rock like fixing methods.

So I've bought from evilbay* one second hand concrete mixer machine. This could be seen as a lazy approach.
It could also be totally and utterly bloody stupid as a) I haven't a clue how it works (other than it goes round) and there's no manual and b) I don't know what the recipe is for concrete. Water. Cement. Sand. Few rocks. Dash of herbs to taste?

Methinks a trip to the DIY shoppe is in the near future. The one with the DIY for idiots leaflets. I can pretend to be getting them for somebody else.

*evilbay:
What ebay should really be called. Extra amusement points are gained when getting other people to say it. Being a 'tard I find it difficult to phone people I don't know. So the Ma gets the job. Ma, phone these people plz, I've bought a flux capacitor off evilbay.... Record was the time she said evilbay on the phone 3 times, and then again when we went to collect. The man had the "get these insane people off my property" look in his eyes.

Take the L

Frankly, it's not good news at chez C'riz.

Got an email from the seller of my rather expensive lathe. It is, he claims, unfixable. So I can have my money back, or wait five weeks while the slow boat from China brings more of them that hopefully do work.

This is not good, as if I take the cash I've still spent about £250 on other things for it that would then be useless. But if I wait I could get another lemon. It's a hard choice, but I've gone for wait. Better the devil I know and all that.

Sadness is felt, as a certain Miss. M continues to confuse and confound me. If I had half a brain I would move on and do something else and forget she ever existed. Oh look, flying porcines.

I have also bought a large quantity of plastic ducks. Which I know will sell over time, and was at 25% off normal price. Still feels rather scary spending £500 on toys though.

Enough about my boring life. You're (maybe) here for tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
The motels - Take the L




It's true you know, take the L out of Lover and you do indeed get Over. Maybe they could have had a verse that goes "Add a C and it's clover"? Can you think of any more?

Youtard must also be psychic as well, as miserable alone me gets the in video advert that says "Have you signed up for plenty of fish yet?" No. I don't do dating sites thankyuovurrymuchC'rizhasleftthebuilding.

Lily Allen C*ck Punch

Lily Allen needs a punch in the cock. Ok, so maybe she hasn't got a penis like ladyboy gaga allegedly has, but if she has, she needs a punch there.

Now you may be wondering, C'riz, why the hate on poor Lily?

Well, actually up to now I've not cared much about her. She has "clever" lyrics, and sings in a whiny way. Which is fine if you like that sort of thing. To me all her songs blend into one indistinguishable whine. "Riding through the city on my whine when I see you cry it's not fair and I think you're really whine." Like that.

I'm annoyed about her 'featuring' on the latest KILLING TO DEATH of 'just be good to me'. Without her or some other 'name' to stick on it, it probably wouldn't have happened, or at least would not do as well.

I hate remakes like this. The formula is of course simple. Take a good song. Have someone mumble rubbish / rap / hip hop / sounds a bit like like eminem over the top of it, add a bit of masked swearing, dash of the hook from the original, and voila! Another song ruined.

Moaning ends.

Wind of change

Well, that was a fun week. Lie mode cancel...

Last week I went and brought home my rather expensive new toy. I would have blogged about it, apart from one problem, namely it's bloody useless. The more I played with it, the more problems became obvious.

So tomorrow the man who sold it me is coming to take it away again, and allegedly fix everything that is wrong with it. I'm not holding out much hope. He is of the type when it comes to pooters he's looking for the any key. I on the other hand, happen to have a very logical mind, and a degree in pooters & engineering jiggery pokery. I don't know exactly what's wrong with it, but I do know it isn't what he thinks it is.

Quite what happens next I'm not sure. I suspect he'll randomly swap bits and then tell me it's fixed even if it isn't. I think most normal people would be getting annoyed, but I don't do that sort of thing. Depressed, yes, shouty angry, no.

Anyways, I wanted to share an earworm with you. I was driving to asda, and this came on the radio. I've not heard it for ages, and spent most of the time in asda signing (badly) to myself. As it was late night, and there is only the shelf stacking people and a few customers I'm sure I was even more obviously a loon than normal. But c'est la vie.

I bring to you:
Scorpions - wind of change



Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change

If your tingly bits aren't tingling by now, then you're dead. Or never bought an 80's soft rock album.

Tales of the blatently obvious

As a child my dear father would never allow me to watch "tales of the unexpected" beyond the title bit. I think it was because he was afraid I'd suss it and make him look a (bigger) plank for not getting it even when it was explained in great detail to him.

The only one I can remember seeing was the first one, the bet your finger against my car that your lighter will light 10 times in a row one. Where the OMG shock was it wasn't his car, it belonged to his missus, who, Argh! was missing fingers! I wonder how that happened eh?

But the title theme was awesome, and I bring it to you now:



Woo! Wasn't that naked-lady-silhouette-tastic?

The theme was written by one Ron Grainer. Award yourself a small quantity of strawberries if you can think of another theme he wrote. Or a Big D hat if you can't.

Additional bonus related video thing:

Tubetastic Thursday - lost in the 50's tonight

To celebrate this spurt of blogging, I'm bringing back the youtube lazy crutch.

I bring to you:
Ronnie Milsap - Lost in the 50's tonight



Ok, so it's a stolen rework of the five satins - in the still of the night, but I still like it.

Dr Why?

Attention persons who a) watch doctor who, and b) haven't seen episode 11- the lodger.

I have advice for you:
Purchase a can of paint. Magnolia is always a good colour choice, neutral, goes well with anything. Paint something. Watch it dry. Just don't watch ep. 11 or you will regret it.

You may be asking, but why is it so awful? I'll tell ya...

Schwiiiing Amy Pond spends the entire episode doing nothing but practise her star trek wobbly camera thing in the tardis. They could have given her this episode off and saved a couple of quid. "cheerio then Amy, see you when you've done your shopping!" would have been a lot more believable.

There is a fat man as "guest star". I don't know who he is without looking at the credits, but it obvious he's supposed to be funny, and perhaps is on other stuff on tv. Fat blokes are always funny. Ha Ha.

The "problem that must be resolved" makes NO BLOODY SENSE AT ALL.

So the alien ship thing is killing peeps as it attempts to find someone suitable as a pilot. Ok, this is bad and should be stopped. BUT... if it does find a pilot it will take off, and destroy the universe in the process.... HUH??????

So you're telling me in some alien society they build a spacecraft, look at our new wonderful space craft! There's only the tiny flaw that every time it leaves somewhere that place gets totally destroyed, but it's only a minor flaw.... Best only build one to see how it goes... oops, we appear to have wiped ourselves out launching it...

And if you can accept that nonsense, how does it tie in to Amy (in the tardis), in a totally different place will get doomed into the vortex if said ship launches???

Trust me on the magnolia.

What's the damage?

I don't know, the damage report machine's been damaged.

While on my fruitless trip yesterday an annoying alert light kept coming on my dash. Flicker flicker flicker. Stays on a bit. Flicker.

So today I looked it up, just in case it means something important. It's telling me there is water in my diesel. This cannot be a good thing.

So I googled what to do next. And the answer is the light has two functions, not one. One function is indeed to tell you there is water in your fuel. The other function is to tell you that the water in fuel sensor has failed. Suggested course of action, drain the filter and see if there's any water there.

Naturally, I have no water. But do have a bit of a dilemma. I can 'fix it' by unplugging the sensor so the light stays off. But what if I ever really did get water, and didn't know about it? That could be bad... But so's £30 for a sensor that goes wrong like clockwork according to some sources.

So continues the love / hate car relationship.

On not getting new toys

Just in case you want to save some time: New toy, I have not got.

Longer story:
A few weeks back I went to the model engineering exhibition. And there is a man, selling cnc lathes. £2600 each says his sign. I want one. I want one bad. So I do my very best attempt at being human and ask him questions, which actually went quite well considering. Prolly 'cos once I get into geek zone, or engineer zone I forget I'm scared of humanity, and feel confident to talk geek.

The man says, make an appointment, come to my workshop, try one out working and if you like it give me money and take it away. For the win!

So today I went to his workshop. Saw it working. Yes, I would like one of your machines, here be my credit card, my car is outside, plz to load it up.

"Oh, I can't do that!" he says. Er, why not?

Apparently I have to bring the pc I want to make it work to him first, and he has to prove it works with my pc before I'm allowed to take one away. Otherwise I will get home and plug it into my pc and it won't work and I will be too stupid to work out why and will phone him up and it will be awful.

Of course as I'm terrified of phones I wouldn't be phoning him under any circumstances. And getting things to work that don't is all part of the fun surely?

But no. He won't sell to me today. So no new toy. It's also annoying that I've lost a day that I should have been working, and £40 worth of diesel, and I get to do it again next week.

*cough*

Well, that worked brilliantly. Not. Blogging by mobile when you have a) a rubbish mobile and b) are on an island that has naff all signal, not the best of plans.

So I'm back. There is a huge amount of (boring, physical day job) work to do before I can even begin to think about fun things like going thru my photos.

Did I have fun? Yes... and no. Parts where great, but my twisted mind won't allow me to enjoy things, and so the bad bits are magnified.

There's also the sad bit of confirmation of what I really knew all along, but wouldn't allow myself to believe was true. I feel hurt, but more sad that it is so. I suppose it shows that I only believe the best in people. Or that I'm just a fool for a pretty face.

Isn't technology brilliant?

No. No it isn't.

On Friday I'm off on a quest. I may have mentioned it before (cough) to visit the land of the Misty, & steal her away to exciting places full of fun.

I then thought, I could do a Psuedonymph and blog as I go. True, not as exciting a trip, but well, I don't do excitement.

Snag #1 is I don't have a Jesus phone. I'm lucky my rather olde LG manages to make voice calls actually. The interweb browsing on it is a bit pants to say the least. But fear not! You can email your posts to blogger, and it will do magic things and your post will appear!

Which leads to snag #2: The emails a bit rubbish on it too. But I can run movamail to get round that, yay! Except it doesn't publish the attached photos like it should... Well, more like attach a photo and it does nuffin.

But you can't keep a geek down, and I have a work around for it. Movamail > flickr, and flickr will then automagically give blogger a kick up the bum and post the pic for me.

Well, it may all work. I may even be having too much fun to do it all....

I'm very tired now, but I feel I must also share something with you... this:


Not sure exactly why I love this, but it is brilliant to N decimal places. Yes it is. YES!

Test

Test test
--
Sent from my Mobile phone via http://www.movamail.com.
Get your Mobile IM (MSN/Yahoo/AIM/ICQ/GTalk/QQ/More) at http://www.movamessenger.com.

Runaway Train

That's time, that is. Starts out slow and safe, and then hurtles you to your doom.

I will explain.

~Wavy lines back to 16th February~
I suggest to the duck obsessed one that perhaps it would be fun for all to meet up and go do something. Teh Misty likes this idea. Time at this point is in treacle mode, as there be a clash between my obsessive need to plan everything, and Misty's desire to sort it out sometime.

But we worked it out to everyone's satisfaction, and all I have to do is wait. Time continues to stagnate. The days crawl on, but it still feels like years away.

Until today. Now some git has engaged the warp drive, and it's all getting very scary very fast. I don't have enough time. Two weeks left, and I've got to get my car repaired & MOT'd. I need to see a man about some rather expensive machinery I want to buy. The day job is backing up with fools who don't know what they want, but buy it anyway as they can make it my problem to sort out. I also need to plan how I'm going to shut down the job and dare to take time off.

I'm sure it will all work out fine, but in the mean time it would be fair to say I'm not actually enjoying it that much. Still, if at the end Misty tells me she's had a nice time (and isn't lying out of politeness) it will have been worth it.

You're still here? Have an earworm then:

Liar Liar

pants on fire!

Someone once told me, liars should have good memories. There is another rule that Idiot Girl doesn't appear to have grasped either, "Make it remotely believable".

All the times skiving off skool, you'd think she would have learned "abducted by aliens" isn't a very good reason.

Onto the lie of the day..... observe this:



This is what happens when your neighbourhood has the worlds most stupid car thieves. The ones that try to steal a car that doesn't work and hasn't moved for 5 years or so. Durrr.. it doesn't work.... lets set it on fire!

The observant of you will have spotted there be garages behind it.




This is one of the garages. It is owned by idiot girl. It now sports a classy two tone paint job by yours truly, as the heat from the fire has made the paint fall off, and no paint = rust.

I would now like you to brace yourself for the lie. Ready?

"Someone set fire to that car and my garage is totally destroyed! There's nothing left, even the walls fell down!"

Can you perhaps spot the slight flaw in the above lie?

Wow Idiot Girl! How awful for you.... and how lucky are you that the insurance company has in the space of half an hour built an exact replica of your original garage!

Oh!..... but....... I'm going to claim on the insurance for a new garage anyway. It's almost destroyed. A bit...... And it's..... smoky.

Idiot Girl.... do not believe...

Almost suckered

So I went to that there asda in search of bargains bargains much cheapness.



Oh! Flavoured milk, 2 for £2 it says in big letters. This has to be for the win I thinks. Milk, supposed to be good for you, and banana (flavour) surely counts as one of 5 fruits a day, and it's cheaper too!

Sound fx: Needle being dragged across a 45.

Hang on a minute.... 1 bottle costs £1. So while two for £2 is legally accurate, it's not much of an offer...

I still bought one bottle, and wondered off humming "Won't get fooled again". That's the limit of excitement round these parts.

Tubetastic Thursday: London Calling

Well now I've done it. The post today brings me a shiny train ticket. Which says in big letters "not refundable", so looks like I'm going to have to go through with my plans.

I'm scared, and excited. But mostly scared.
To normal people it's probably quite simple.

Train to that there Londinium.
Tube to teh Misty house. Hello Misty, how are you today?
Fun, fun, fun! Sun sun sun.

To me it's all very terrifying. But I must do it if I am to beat the mental gremlins. I want to, but it's coming closer to the cliff edge than is perhaps safe.

To add to the terror, there is an element of fancy dress. I was mentally scarred as a child when the parents decided to enter me in some sort of competition, dressed as a post box. A post box made out of red paper that turned me red when it rained. I've not done fancy dress since, so this could get interesting.

Still, nearly two months left to get my sh*t together.

Anyways, as I be going to Londinium, I bring to you:
The clash - London calling


This is, of course, from before my time, as I'm only a young 'un. But I can still recognise a classic when I hear it.

Seduced

by the idiot box. I haz been.

I normally don't watch tv, who cares about the lives of imaginary persons? But this easter, well, it's been a orgy of cathode rays.

Firsty: Ashes to ashes. Not sure I'm too convinced by the "I was in a coma, in my coma" explanation of why she's back in 1983.

2: CSI (illegal download version). Ok, so I actually watch this all the time, but been a while while waiting for them to get round to making new episodes. Mildly annoying / doesn't ring true this week though.
Archie falls over a body, and 10 mins later is back doing the job in the lab. Er, he's the one that does enhance 34-46 on blurry photos and not the oh look, big hole in head part of the job. You'd think he'd be a soupcon shook up.
Then Catherine is doing stakeout, and deactivating a drug lab. Afterwards says "ok, send for hazmat to clean up", but surely they would also be doing the deactivating thing? Methinks a contrivance for her to get lucky with the smooth bloke.

3: Dr who returns... New bloke... Woo?

Well, the first fail is the bastards have messed with the theme tune again. For the love of Pete, why?

New doctor bloke.... Ma no like. I think he shows promise, in a Tom Baker crazed loon more teeth than brain cells sort of way...



Assistant.... Amy Pond... Schwiiing! It appears someone at the bbc is now in charge who isn't gay, and thus has remembered the classic rule get some eye candy in for the dads. Though for me an assistant needs to be pretty, and also capable of a good scream. But that could just be due to first who I can remember being genesis of the daleks with Sarah Jane Schwiiiing Smith.

On Bargains

So we went to that there asda tonight at 9:30pm. It's an entertaining time to go shopping as a) you can park, b) there's nobody there and c) there's the exciting uncertainty of being unable to get to the shelves you want for all the pallets of stuff.

There be also the bargain factor. Where asda realises they have a pallet of something with a sell by date that expires in 2 1/2 hours time. Result: it's all 1p!

Today's fuc up er, error was fresh pineapples. Trays and trays of pineapples. Nothing wrong with them, just a date saying that this fruit that has gone half way round the bloody planet must be sold or destroyed by midnight. We bought three.

I just hope it doesn't turn out as bad as the other day. That was ready to use vegetables for idle bastards, er, busy professionals. Again, perfectly fresh, 1p, and it would be a crime to waste them. It also ties in with my cunning plan of "5 a day" vegetable based meal torture in the hope of losing weight**

Trouble is, when you get to day four of leek, potato and sweede based culinary delight, well, it starts to feel a bit like xmas but without wallace and gromit reruns.

** It's very boring, but does work. I don't know how much weight I've lost, but can confirm it works as my belt has moved 4 notches in the smaller direction.

The good samaritan

or overcoming my personal demons, part 1.

Tis 11pm, and I went to the shopping hell that is tesco. Technically it's less hellish at that time because there's hardly anyone shopping, but they compensate by having an army replenishing the shelves, and if you're paranoid like me they're all a) watching you, and b) trying to block you into a maze with trolleys so you remain trapped.

So I came out, walked to my car and there's a man (just about) pushing a bright red BMW about. I looked at him, and a couple of alternate thoughts went thru my head. A) Is he trying to steal it? or B) is it broken and he needs help?

So I looked at him, and he looked at me. Nobody said anything. So I got in my car and drove away, watching him in my rear view mirror. To see that he's trying to bump start the thing, which is not going to work as the car park undulates so nowhere is downhill.

My demons are telling me, drive away, it's nothing to do with you. I slowed to a stop. Bugger the demons. Drove back and said "you need a hand mate?"

Indeed he does... Apparently his bmw refuses to start when the engine is hot, but will go if you push it, and can I help him push it?

This is where my relief he's not an axe murderer overcomes my common sense... sure mate.... So we push this rather heavy bmw around the car park for 3 goes at starting it, and nothing happens as we can't get enough speed, other than I'm dying like a 40 a day smoker. (Er I'm not).

The brain then kicks in... I have my discovery. My discovery has a tow rope. Heavy bmw's are not actually that heavy when you pull them about with a big 4x4.

Success! His car is started, and I don't rip the bumper off in the process. I am teh good samaritan! More importantly, C'riz 1, demons 0.

Tubetastic Thursday: Common people

It's Thursday. I'm feeling both nostalgic, and insane.

So I bring to you:
The Shat - common people



Nostalgic 'cos back when I was somebody at uni this was the sound. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing pulp's different class cd. Jarvis is also of course to blame for dancing like I was on fire, and on being told you look a total gimp the excuse is I was doing the Jarvis.

Insane, well obviously cos this is the Shatner cover version. I've got to give 10 bonus points to whoever made the video for turning it into a slashup. Lock up your daughters, it's pon farr time...

Red letter day

No, not excitement and fun, more the kind with lots of dire warnings that you must do this now or else.

Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs department tell me I've failed to pay my taxes by the end of January, and if I don't pay £163.39 by Sunday they have authorised a man to come round and thump my thumbs with a hammer whilst shouting "It's bone crunching time sonny!"

Which came as a bit of surprise considering I'd paid what my accountant told me to pay. So checked I'd really paid and not just imagined it, and yes I had. Drove to the accountants to find my man isn't there until next Wednesday. But the nice lady looked on the computer, and it said I owe more money.

So I've paid, and now await to see if it gets there before the man with the hammer gets here. Joy.

Blogger sounds

I was catching up on that there Pseudonymph's blogage specifically the 10p tour of teh house , when it struck me, hang on, this be narrated by said woman.

The only problem is, it sounds wrong. You think you "know" peeps, and so "assign" a voice in your head for them. (FWIW Pseudonymph sounds more posh than I imagined).

Before I met the lovely Debbie McGee Misty, all I had to go on was "Teutonic celt from London", which really gives no clues at all. Doth she sound London-y? Germany? Answer :Misty like.

I's not met that there Scaryduck, but has seen videos on his blogage. I think he's the one that most matches though to reality.

Perhaps I need to meet more people and spend less time with my collection of singing potatoes....

Neighbours

everybody needs good neighbours....

Perhaps someone should tell the bloke next door:



They also need teaching not to steal asda trollies, but that's another story.

Eastenders Live!

As in not dead, curses.

Apparently this pap has been wasting the brains of tv addicts for 25 years now, and to celebrate they had a live episode with the finding out of who killed Archibald whatsisname to ensure maximum idiots would watch.

I of course only endured a few minutes of it as I was walking past the tv. So I'm only partly brain damaged, but thought I'd tell you all what happened just in case you missed it. Tis possible I may get it a soupcon wrong at times due to not having a clue who anyone is, and not watching it. I could get a job at the sun doing reviews with those qualifications.

Scene: Albert square. Cast: everyone. Giant poster announcing the killer of Archibald Tuttle is to be revealed tonight. Mood: Shouty.

Ginger & missus: Shouty shouty, we gonna get stitched up for this, lets do a runner to where they'll never find us, somewhere like brookside close.

Used car lot:
Baldy bloke gets a visit from inspector knacker of the yard. Turns out changing dead guys cambelt did not result in death by blunt force trauma, as cambelts are not capable of this act.

Queen vic:
Shouty old woman demands rest of cast present admit who dunnit, or she will get her baps out again just like in carry on camping, and starts to lift her skirt to show she's serious.

Pint of Guinness on bar: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than this place.

Ian Boyle: My mum dreamed a dream, and it was you all pay me twenty quid for these here jellied eels.

Cut to street outside. Ginger + tart are running away very very slowly.
Enter inspector knacker.. "Can we have a word?"
ginger: "vermilion".
IK: "Ta. Keep on running away if that's what you're doing."

Queen vic:
Assorted slags: Bugger this for a game of soldiers, lets run away as well just in case we did it and just can't remember.

everyone else: Yes, everyone run away.

Ginger: Lets escape by going onto the roof where I'm sure we'll find a hang glider or sumfink.

Rooftop:
I am inspector knacker, and vermilion is no bloody use in the dibble scrabble tournament as I have only the letters J, A, Z, F, P, L & K. Give me another word NOW.

Ginger: Bugger, I'll take a step back and think about it.

Wheeee.....splat.

Ginger's tart: Oh no Ginger is dead an all. Who's going to help me escape from killing Archibald to death now?
Inspector Knacker: What you say?
Tart: Er... Ginger did it. Pal any good for your scrabble?

Phil Collins: dummm dummm dum dum dum. I'm getting tired of doing the eastenders theme after 25 years. Why did I leave Genesis?

Tubetastic Thursday: Never enough

Ye Gods, I'm turning into Misty with the lack of posty due to life getting in the way disease.

I bring to you:
Epica - Never enough.




I actually heard this lot for the first time yesterday. (who says il legal downloads don't lead to discovery of new stuff, and sales thereof?)

It's very strange. "symphonic metal" I think they call it. Very contrasty, high pitched woman, death grunts bloke, and a feeling of it's going to rock in a minute, and then it does!

I think I could like it. But it could also suffer from a bit too much same same. Will have to give it time and see.

Tubetastic Thursday: Close my eyes forever

I'm veh tired today, as I got up at 8am, drove to Birmingham, faced fears, survived, drove back home again.

So straight to the point.
I bring to you:
Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne - close my eyes forever



Cruel people will say how can you tell the difference between Ozzy & Lita, as they both look the same. Simples: Lita's the one who can sing!

Methinks I like this one 'cos you can't beat a good song about dying. Plus it check all the boxes: Big hair, silly guitars, dark n moody fade cuts...

Darn it

Today I got up early. Like the first thing in the afternoon. 12:27 pm to be precise. My phone has a missed call, so I boot the pooter and phone back.

It goes a bit like:
Did you get the message?

Which message?

The facebook one, this morning.

Hang on... pooter boots. Message received 8:06 am.

I've only just woken up. So, no I won't be in Huddersfield for 1pm.

2 pm?

Ok. Later...

So I spleep walk thru a shower, dress and then drive like a mad man to get there on time. Meet mr. Bharj, and we go hunting the Biff. (another name on our potential reunion list).

Biff is found. The man appears to have been in stasis for fourteen years. True he has gained a huge workshop (that I don't covet in the slightest. Cough), and 2 kids. And appears to be doing really well (Like everyone else, bastards). But no, not aged at all.

The result is, yes, he's up for a reunion. And thinks he can contact another name on the outstanding list. So if he's successful we only have two more to find. This is actually getting quite scary, the thought that I may have to go thru with this....

Tubetastic Thursday: Relax

Mahaha-hiya, guess what's happening now?

Yes, if you're unlucky enough to have me on your faceache list, you're getting double the videos.

If you're not lucky enough, it's my birthday today. So I'm technically older, but that's every day. The only real difference is I get to try (and fail) to pretend to do the happy when the peeps try and make an issue of it. You'd think they would learn by now, I'm just not interested....

In other news:
It has snowed again. 1.0 imperial inches. So not a lot. So obviously, that's why I get the phone call from idiot girl that she needs help in the evil snow. I should point out idiot girl has a (girls) 4x4, a freelander. She be 300 yards from home, has just missed crashing it and daren't drive any more.

"Almost" crash could be something to do with her driving technique of slowing down not working, so drop the clutch and stamp on the brakes. Repeatedly. Er, IG, leave the clutch alone, take your foot off the loud pedal and it will slow down on it's own.

So muggins gets to walk in the snow to her, drive her the remaining 300 yards home, then walk back. Joy.

On to Tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Frankie goes to Hollywood - relax



Yes, we all know the story of banned by the BBC so instant mega hit. Even if us innocent kiddies had no clue what it was about.

I was listening to the radio the other week while doing the work thing, and they had an interview with Holly Johnson, which was rather surprising to me, as I had the thought in the back of my mind he was dead a-la-Freddie Mercury. But no, he be still alive.

Mind, interviewer must have had the same thought, as interview kind of went, sooooo you're not dead then..... and you're not Frankie goes to Hollywood any more... so what are you doing while waiting to shuffle off? (He paints). Buy the greatest hits album plug. And ,er, that was it.

(Yes, I have worked out what the song is about now, thankyouverymuch).