The good samaritan

or overcoming my personal demons, part 1.

Tis 11pm, and I went to the shopping hell that is tesco. Technically it's less hellish at that time because there's hardly anyone shopping, but they compensate by having an army replenishing the shelves, and if you're paranoid like me they're all a) watching you, and b) trying to block you into a maze with trolleys so you remain trapped.

So I came out, walked to my car and there's a man (just about) pushing a bright red BMW about. I looked at him, and a couple of alternate thoughts went thru my head. A) Is he trying to steal it? or B) is it broken and he needs help?

So I looked at him, and he looked at me. Nobody said anything. So I got in my car and drove away, watching him in my rear view mirror. To see that he's trying to bump start the thing, which is not going to work as the car park undulates so nowhere is downhill.

My demons are telling me, drive away, it's nothing to do with you. I slowed to a stop. Bugger the demons. Drove back and said "you need a hand mate?"

Indeed he does... Apparently his bmw refuses to start when the engine is hot, but will go if you push it, and can I help him push it?

This is where my relief he's not an axe murderer overcomes my common sense... sure mate.... So we push this rather heavy bmw around the car park for 3 goes at starting it, and nothing happens as we can't get enough speed, other than I'm dying like a 40 a day smoker. (Er I'm not).

The brain then kicks in... I have my discovery. My discovery has a tow rope. Heavy bmw's are not actually that heavy when you pull them about with a big 4x4.

Success! His car is started, and I don't rip the bumper off in the process. I am teh good samaritan! More importantly, C'riz 1, demons 0.

Tubetastic Thursday: Common people

It's Thursday. I'm feeling both nostalgic, and insane.

So I bring to you:
The Shat - common people



Nostalgic 'cos back when I was somebody at uni this was the sound. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing pulp's different class cd. Jarvis is also of course to blame for dancing like I was on fire, and on being told you look a total gimp the excuse is I was doing the Jarvis.

Insane, well obviously cos this is the Shatner cover version. I've got to give 10 bonus points to whoever made the video for turning it into a slashup. Lock up your daughters, it's pon farr time...

Red letter day

No, not excitement and fun, more the kind with lots of dire warnings that you must do this now or else.

Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs department tell me I've failed to pay my taxes by the end of January, and if I don't pay £163.39 by Sunday they have authorised a man to come round and thump my thumbs with a hammer whilst shouting "It's bone crunching time sonny!"

Which came as a bit of surprise considering I'd paid what my accountant told me to pay. So checked I'd really paid and not just imagined it, and yes I had. Drove to the accountants to find my man isn't there until next Wednesday. But the nice lady looked on the computer, and it said I owe more money.

So I've paid, and now await to see if it gets there before the man with the hammer gets here. Joy.

Blogger sounds

I was catching up on that there Pseudonymph's blogage specifically the 10p tour of teh house , when it struck me, hang on, this be narrated by said woman.

The only problem is, it sounds wrong. You think you "know" peeps, and so "assign" a voice in your head for them. (FWIW Pseudonymph sounds more posh than I imagined).

Before I met the lovely Debbie McGee Misty, all I had to go on was "Teutonic celt from London", which really gives no clues at all. Doth she sound London-y? Germany? Answer :Misty like.

I's not met that there Scaryduck, but has seen videos on his blogage. I think he's the one that most matches though to reality.

Perhaps I need to meet more people and spend less time with my collection of singing potatoes....

Neighbours

everybody needs good neighbours....

Perhaps someone should tell the bloke next door:



They also need teaching not to steal asda trollies, but that's another story.

Eastenders Live!

As in not dead, curses.

Apparently this pap has been wasting the brains of tv addicts for 25 years now, and to celebrate they had a live episode with the finding out of who killed Archibald whatsisname to ensure maximum idiots would watch.

I of course only endured a few minutes of it as I was walking past the tv. So I'm only partly brain damaged, but thought I'd tell you all what happened just in case you missed it. Tis possible I may get it a soupcon wrong at times due to not having a clue who anyone is, and not watching it. I could get a job at the sun doing reviews with those qualifications.

Scene: Albert square. Cast: everyone. Giant poster announcing the killer of Archibald Tuttle is to be revealed tonight. Mood: Shouty.

Ginger & missus: Shouty shouty, we gonna get stitched up for this, lets do a runner to where they'll never find us, somewhere like brookside close.

Used car lot:
Baldy bloke gets a visit from inspector knacker of the yard. Turns out changing dead guys cambelt did not result in death by blunt force trauma, as cambelts are not capable of this act.

Queen vic:
Shouty old woman demands rest of cast present admit who dunnit, or she will get her baps out again just like in carry on camping, and starts to lift her skirt to show she's serious.

Pint of Guinness on bar: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than this place.

Ian Boyle: My mum dreamed a dream, and it was you all pay me twenty quid for these here jellied eels.

Cut to street outside. Ginger + tart are running away very very slowly.
Enter inspector knacker.. "Can we have a word?"
ginger: "vermilion".
IK: "Ta. Keep on running away if that's what you're doing."

Queen vic:
Assorted slags: Bugger this for a game of soldiers, lets run away as well just in case we did it and just can't remember.

everyone else: Yes, everyone run away.

Ginger: Lets escape by going onto the roof where I'm sure we'll find a hang glider or sumfink.

Rooftop:
I am inspector knacker, and vermilion is no bloody use in the dibble scrabble tournament as I have only the letters J, A, Z, F, P, L & K. Give me another word NOW.

Ginger: Bugger, I'll take a step back and think about it.

Wheeee.....splat.

Ginger's tart: Oh no Ginger is dead an all. Who's going to help me escape from killing Archibald to death now?
Inspector Knacker: What you say?
Tart: Er... Ginger did it. Pal any good for your scrabble?

Phil Collins: dummm dummm dum dum dum. I'm getting tired of doing the eastenders theme after 25 years. Why did I leave Genesis?

Tubetastic Thursday: Never enough

Ye Gods, I'm turning into Misty with the lack of posty due to life getting in the way disease.

I bring to you:
Epica - Never enough.




I actually heard this lot for the first time yesterday. (who says il legal downloads don't lead to discovery of new stuff, and sales thereof?)

It's very strange. "symphonic metal" I think they call it. Very contrasty, high pitched woman, death grunts bloke, and a feeling of it's going to rock in a minute, and then it does!

I think I could like it. But it could also suffer from a bit too much same same. Will have to give it time and see.

Tubetastic Thursday: Close my eyes forever

I'm veh tired today, as I got up at 8am, drove to Birmingham, faced fears, survived, drove back home again.

So straight to the point.
I bring to you:
Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne - close my eyes forever



Cruel people will say how can you tell the difference between Ozzy & Lita, as they both look the same. Simples: Lita's the one who can sing!

Methinks I like this one 'cos you can't beat a good song about dying. Plus it check all the boxes: Big hair, silly guitars, dark n moody fade cuts...

Darn it

Today I got up early. Like the first thing in the afternoon. 12:27 pm to be precise. My phone has a missed call, so I boot the pooter and phone back.

It goes a bit like:
Did you get the message?

Which message?

The facebook one, this morning.

Hang on... pooter boots. Message received 8:06 am.

I've only just woken up. So, no I won't be in Huddersfield for 1pm.

2 pm?

Ok. Later...

So I spleep walk thru a shower, dress and then drive like a mad man to get there on time. Meet mr. Bharj, and we go hunting the Biff. (another name on our potential reunion list).

Biff is found. The man appears to have been in stasis for fourteen years. True he has gained a huge workshop (that I don't covet in the slightest. Cough), and 2 kids. And appears to be doing really well (Like everyone else, bastards). But no, not aged at all.

The result is, yes, he's up for a reunion. And thinks he can contact another name on the outstanding list. So if he's successful we only have two more to find. This is actually getting quite scary, the thought that I may have to go thru with this....

Tubetastic Thursday: Relax

Mahaha-hiya, guess what's happening now?

Yes, if you're unlucky enough to have me on your faceache list, you're getting double the videos.

If you're not lucky enough, it's my birthday today. So I'm technically older, but that's every day. The only real difference is I get to try (and fail) to pretend to do the happy when the peeps try and make an issue of it. You'd think they would learn by now, I'm just not interested....

In other news:
It has snowed again. 1.0 imperial inches. So not a lot. So obviously, that's why I get the phone call from idiot girl that she needs help in the evil snow. I should point out idiot girl has a (girls) 4x4, a freelander. She be 300 yards from home, has just missed crashing it and daren't drive any more.

"Almost" crash could be something to do with her driving technique of slowing down not working, so drop the clutch and stamp on the brakes. Repeatedly. Er, IG, leave the clutch alone, take your foot off the loud pedal and it will slow down on it's own.

So muggins gets to walk in the snow to her, drive her the remaining 300 yards home, then walk back. Joy.

On to Tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Frankie goes to Hollywood - relax



Yes, we all know the story of banned by the BBC so instant mega hit. Even if us innocent kiddies had no clue what it was about.

I was listening to the radio the other week while doing the work thing, and they had an interview with Holly Johnson, which was rather surprising to me, as I had the thought in the back of my mind he was dead a-la-Freddie Mercury. But no, he be still alive.

Mind, interviewer must have had the same thought, as interview kind of went, sooooo you're not dead then..... and you're not Frankie goes to Hollywood any more... so what are you doing while waiting to shuffle off? (He paints). Buy the greatest hits album plug. And ,er, that was it.

(Yes, I have worked out what the song is about now, thankyouverymuch).

I'm a real blogger now

Just had to delete my first comment spam, so I think that qualifies as having arrived!

Woo. Yay!

Also in large amounts of pain. Starter motor on my car is faulty. I have the "fix it" kit, to er, fix it. Land rover have made it so it's easier to remove the engine than to remove the starter motor. So ended up taking the motor apart while it's still fitted to the car, which means lots of stretching and jamming your hands in small places where you can't see or really reach that well. But at least it now starts. Double woo!

Additional

After 4 hours & 52 minutes I have been knocked out in 27th place.

This means:
a) $33 scoop ticket won
b) I'm bloody knackered as it's daft am.
c) Not doing that again.

Gambling bad kids!

Tubetastic Thursday: You can come if you want to

Greetings pop pickers!

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the following (almost) exciting information:

It's 2:28 am... 1843 players entered the blogger poker tournament that started, oh, 3 1/2 hours a-bloody-go.

And I'm still playing...
And just like the cute children on daytime tv, I'm now guaranteed a prize. Currently 38 out of 109 left so I've at least won a $11 scoop entry whatever that is.

Hang on a minute... $11, that's about 5 quid. For 3 1/2 hours? Does not compute. Could be worth it if I win the bloody thing, but somehow I doubt it.

Back to our regular programming.

I bring to you:
The carousels - you can come if you want to.


Now no doubt someone is screaming argh no! not more doo wop, make it stop!

But this is of the excellent. Excellent I tell you. I can listen to this a bajillion times, and every time is electricity running down my spine.

Ok, some will say she screams like she's killing cats, but they are also full of the wrong.

There are a few more sides from the carousels out there, and while they're fairly ok, this is definitely their triumph.

The dead man's hand holds Aces and Eights

Ok, so Wild Bill Hickok was playing 5 card draw when killed with that hand.

I however, am a) still alive and b) was playing pot limit omaha.

I also lost out in the below pimped blogger poker tournament. Top 153 get the prizes, and I came 203 out of 1600 entrants. Not too shoddy, given I'm not a huge omaha fan. And there's still tournaments to play the rest of the week for no cost.

So as the lottery used to say before they got banned for false advertising "It could be you".

Schemes and dreams

Hard as it may be to believe, I went to University and survived to get a (poor) degree. This is all ancient history (1996) and is filed on my flickr as "I had a life too once".

I forgot about it, until last week. Found one of the blokes on facebook. Oh, you're successful and have wife, child, house on the hill. I'm not... That was fun. Then another ex Beng bloke contacts me.. wife, 2 x child, house on hill, more success.

(I should perhaps at this point make clear I wish no ill, and am not bothered by their success... I assume they've earned it and thus deserve it. I haven't, and don't.)

At points in the past various peeps have said "we should have a reunion", but nothing has come of it. However, this time I think it could work, and nobody will have to get nailed to anything in pursuit of it. After all, everybody is starting to put their lives on t'interweb.

Without doing much searching emails are exchanged between six of us. Discounting foreign students, those known to have left the country since, those who didn't socialise during the course (I'm thinking of you Gailasuarus), this gives seven more potentially to find. One more can probably be discounted ('cos she's a lady and we're smelly blokes), and a further one (black ball from everyone so far). So that's five to find.

So on Saturday I set off to meet a small group of localish plotters. One wasn't coming out to play, so it was Zulf and Dara and moi. Despite my natural apprehension, we had a really nice time and came up with some perhaps viable strategies for finding the missing people. I'd like to say we haven't changed in what? 14 years, but it would be a lie. I've got fat and mental. Zulf's stopped drinking and Dara appears to be a straight and honest geezer. God have we gone downhill.

There is one slight snag, should we pull it off. What do you do to celebrate this reunion?

Now you could say go to the pub.. but people are older, with house on the hill etc, and it's not much of a draw to get people to come many miles.

Possible thoughts so far include:

Meal out somewhere.... followed by pub.
Blokey things... paintball, go karts etc. followed by pub.
Fly to somewhere cheap and cultural. Ignore the culture and go to the pub.

Any ideas from the blogosphere are most welcome?

Plz to note that we be blokes. Smelly older blokes. You don't get many lady engineers, so it has to be something where when we get there they don't think we're a stag party and throw us out. Attempting to appear sophisticated is also out (we're engineers).

Tubetastic Thursday: Russian roulette

Before I get to the usual Thursday guff, I must say woo! yay! to Facebook.

Yes, I'm still sceptical to it's uses (eg tried the poker, and you can buy fake chips that have no value with real money? How whack is that!), but on the other hand have caught up with a few peeps I've not seen in years. We even be thinking of having a class of '96 meet up. Well, the survivors who are local anyways.

A chance to find out who's gone bald, got kids, and to prove that none of us can dance still... Just as long as Phil is still frying chickens at Alton towers so I'm not totally last in the life success stakes.....

Tubetastic thursday.
I bring to you: Rihanna - russian roulette.


Ok, so I swore back in the day I'd never forgive her for the bloody umbrella song where it rained in real life for a billion days. As soon is it finally dropped off radio play out came the sun. But this be a catchy sort of tune. In fact at times it verges on earworm.

Other factettes n observations:

Uk radio play of this song cuts the final gunshot. Why, I don't know.

You have a 1 in 6 chance of taking a bullet in 'Nam if you try this at home kids. Which works out at about 50:50 if you have four goes and give the gun a spin each time. Plz to not check the statistics of this empirically.

Derrin Brown did a russian roulette based tv stunt thing. Yes, I was hoping it would go a soupcon wrong. I don't want him dead, but would settle for maimed enough that he no longer gets on tv. Which is rather odd as I don't watch tv anyways.

Rihanna is rather good at doing the wearing minimalistic clothing thing.

The following public service announcement

is brought to you in part by Slim Shady our evil overlords.

Announcement begins:

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! Bloggers can register for to play for free in the WBCOOP, if you don’t have a PokerStars account you can get your Poker Download here.

Registration code: 904446

Announcement ends...
There, I've admitted I'm a bad gambler. No doubt I'll be punished for it one day.

Tubetastic Thursday: Weekend!

They say when God closes a door he opens a window. I haven't a clue what use that actually is, unless you're a cat and like jumping thru windows?

I'm going to have a moan. I shall do it now:
My ISP have force migrated my email to google. They pimp it as being, no lie "New and shiny". That's the exact words used.

It is a load of shash. "You don't have to do anything, except wait for the shiny". it says. Oh yeah?

So.... now you can't send hardly any mail attachments. Ah.. that's useful.
And
You can only download mail once. So check mail on your phone, and then you can't get it on your pooter as well. Not like people use multiple devices these days is it? And it's Shiny! Woo! Arse!

Moan ends.

****************

I am now going to attempt an experiment. See if I can alienate approximately half the population, and attract the rest.

I bring to you:
Scooter - Weekend!



Just in case you haven't worked out the attraction it is thus: Bossoms.

There are actually several versions of this video, with varying levels of Bossoms. I have one on my pooter that is really quite overflowing, so they have also added snow to make it more arty. Snow = art, not porn if you didn't know.

Pointless additional fact for those not interested in Bossoms:
"Respect to the men in the ice cream van" refers of course to the KLF.

Fixed.. and broken

Yesterday, after only a five week wait I finally had my nanocom delivered. This be a magic box to remove the three amigos from my landrover.

Slight snag... it no work until you register it with the nice people in Italy. Who ignore your registration attempts as they're no doubt doing more exciting things like spend my money.

But today I finally got it registered, and blam! Amigos be gone. So I hope you enjoyed the snow, as now I have a working 4x4 there won't be any more.

Of course, as I've fixed something that's wrong, something else in my life must be broken. It's the turn of email. The muppets at virgin have "migrated" to shiny new google powered email. That's dead wonderful*.

Shame it turns out you only get one chance to read your mail, so if you read it on your phone that's the only copy, despite having "leave messages on server" turned on. Getting nowhere fast with support who appear to be going down the path that the solution is to read on the phone, then forward it back to yourself?

And relax.

*complete and utter shash.

99.... 100

This be post 100. Rather surprising considering I wasn't expecting to get to 10.

Sadly I've been thinking for about a week now, must have something exciting for post 100.. what's happening today? Oh. snow. cold. wet. bored.

Nothing has changed , so methinks post 100 is "still alive, plz to standby".

To prove sanity, I give you:
James last - This is my song



What do you mean insanity more like? My collection of singing potatoes tell me I'm totally sane.

New year. Old Idiot.

Or idiot girl fails to learn.

A test:
You have a (one) crusty bread roll, and you want to cut it in half. Do you

a) place on a bread board, and keeping your fingers out of the way of the knife carefully cut thru it?
or
b) Hold it in your right hand. Take your sharpest knife and hack at it brutally with your left hand?

Need a clue? Idiot Girl selected option b).

This may be why we got a phone call saying there is a cut of unknown depth on my finger that is redecorating my kitchen in a fetching shade of red and please fetch a bandage ~thud~

(~thud~ be where she passes out on the floor).
We arrive to find said thudee being ignored by the dog, so so much for all that lassie comes to the rescue shash.

Sadly no photos as I got the evil eye when I got my phone out, despite pretending it was just in case I had to call 999, and the thought of getting a quick pic to blog about didn't even begin to Cross my mind, honest. ~cough~

Say goodbye to 2009

and hello to 2010.

Yes, the year number has changed, but the quality crap blogging you've come to expect is still the same.

I've just been stood outside at minus 2 degrees, while detritus from other people's fireworks falls around me. That would have made a good new year, clonk, ow!

I wish you all the best of luck for 2010 (the year we make contact?)

I will not be making any resolutions, wishes, predictions as I don't do that sort of thing any more due to being completely shit at it.

Xmas countdown: Teh End

I'm sure my 1/2 a reader will be glad it's all over.

So without further ado:
Christmas Party



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: not on cd anywhere.
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: minus infinity.
Relationship to xmas? : It's a xmas song.

I may get a buzz,
'cos mistletoe's poisionous,
oh hell I don't care I think I'll die.

This is a cover (prolly better than the original version actually) of a dead milkmen song from the time when the dead milkmen where a "fictional" band, and their albums came on tape with each one having a hand drawn cover by the band.

Of course thanks to the power of the interweb you can now obtain such rare material rather easily in mp3 format.

This is from "Oh no! Somebody shot sunshine!"


If you're really that interested you can hear the original here:

	The Dead Milkmen - Christmas Party .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Ps.. Merry Christmas...

Xmas countdown V Tubetastic Thursday - grudgematch

There was some whining about credit cards and how awful they are when you have to phone mr. Patel in India and pay for the privilege here, but it was soooo boring, even by my standards, so it's gone now....

Time for a double bill....

Xmas countdown:
Sesame Street - Counting the days



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: one!
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: -2.6%
Relationship to xmas? : Weapon to keep the kids quiet with.

Having odd tastes in muzzax, I quite like obtaining doo wop "zero hit wonder" cd's. I got a xmas one, and this was on it... Freaky stuff eh?

Tubetastic Thursday:
The Cars - Drive



There be a slight xmas message in this one for all you crazy kids who go out on the pop.

"Who's going to drive you home tonight?"

No drink driving now. Or getting in strange cars with strange men. Or phoning me to come and rescue you. Thank you and good night.

Xmas countdown : Son of the xmas countdown

Season of goodwill? My arse!

Went to the hellhole that is asda. Coming out some little bastard shouts at me "cut your hair and get a job".

Now in an ideal world, I would be like the terminator and quickly choose an appropriate response:

Choices:
Ignore.
Kick child.
"There is no Santa".
"I have a job. F***ing your Mum"
"F**k you asshole".

Sadly I'm not very good at the human thing and spent too long thinking about it, and only managed a half hearted "F**k you". ~sigh~


More lazy blogging:
Band Aid - Do they know it's Christmas?



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: all of them.
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 1
Number of winter / snow etc words: 1
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 87.9%
Relationship to xmas? : More related to Geldof's ego. Midge Ure hardly gets a look in.

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you.

This has bugger all to do with Xmas. It was a method for extracting cash much the same as the local brass band playing and rattling tins outside tescos. You're supposed to give them money and pretend you care, feel good about yourself and then a few weeks later forget they exist.

But the artists, record companies etc did it all for nowt and helped the poor people... Oh yeah? And the record labels haven't made it back 10 times over in royalties for the song appearing on every bloody xmas compilation album, playing on the radio etc.... They only handed over the dosh from the single sales.

The truth is, we're really not remotely interested in helping the 3rd world. The 1st world is already using more than the planet can provide, so even if it was possible to instantly "upgrade" them to our standards it wouldn't be done.

Perhaps the Macc Lads had the truth with their "alternative" version of this song:
Feed your face, don't give them a second thought.

Rant ends....

Xmas countdown: revenge of the xmas countdown

Well, the doom begins. The usual xmas deluge of fools who bought an item from me on ebay AFTER last day for xmas posting to their country, and now want to know why they've not got it yet. Only one man from France so far, and he was only 1 day late in buying so may still get it, but I'm sure Thursday will see me with head in hands screaming "Make them stop".

But enough of this self pity. More lazy blogging:
Jona Lewie - Stop the cavalry



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: 72
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 1
Number of winter / snow etc words: 1
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 37%
Relationship to xmas? : Vague.

Wish I was at home for Christmas.

Methinks this has not actually got a lot to do with xmas, and more to do with war...

Video appears to be set in WW1 trenches / no man's land. N a lot of the typical cannon fodder "tommies" signed up for the war with the idea that it would be a bit of adventure / bash the hun / finish the war in time for christmas.

Or is it just me?

Xmas countdown: part deux

It snowed today. And as I live on a hill, this can be entertaining.

You see, stupid people live further down the hill from me. Very stupid people. The road bends to the left, and it's moderately steep. Right on the apex of the bend, 2 cars parked on each side of the road. Which makes a gap in the middle of 1 car + 18 inches. The road is covered with snow... can you see the problem yet kids?

So the skittles have been set up, all there is to do is wait and watch for someone scoring a strike. How many cars will they damage? I should also point out you can go down our street to the council depot, so there's lots of vans driven by people who don't give a sh*t.

Sadly, there was no score today. One council van did look a good contender by a) going too fast & b) braking so the van is now going sideways on towards the target. Fortunately for him his brain kicked in, and he stopped braking, van goes back to straight again and he managed to steer his way thru with about three inches to spare.

Also had to drive to Idiot Girl's to "put up a picture". Yes, drive only if you have to, or if your sister wants to change her decor. No drama for me even if my land rover is in limp home mode. Entertaining following a very shiny BMW that wasn't going remotely where the driver was pointing it.

Thinks...... Ah: Jackie Wilson - reet petite



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: 1
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 0
Number of winter / snow etc words: 0
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 2%
Relationship to xmas? : Bugger all.

Reet petite the finest girl you ever want to meet.

So what's the xmas connection?
Christmas number 1 single for 1986, and most of December too if memory is working. One of my favourite xmas songs actually...

Xmas countdown

Bit of a joy / despair / despair/ slightly less despair day today.

Joy: My new credit card was finally delivered.

Despair: After activating it, and them trying to sell me insurance against it being cloned (wot, like it just has been you mean?) I took it to the shop. Where it failed to work.

Despair: Attempting to start car: clunk. Bugger new battery required. Hang on.. the headlights are still bright... tries again, starts first time.... Bugger.. new starter motor required.

Slightly less despair: Googled discovery td5 starter motor, and they're apparently crap and fail a lot. But you can get a kit of replacement bits to fix them for £10, so slightly happier as this is cheaper than a battery at £130.

I haz also had a genius, GENIUS idea I tell you, on how to blog lazily in the run up to xmas when idiots will suddenly decide to do their xmas shopping online at my emporium and drive me insane running around after them.

The idea be: Youtube vids to the max. With a twist on the xmas theme. Yes, I hope to have enough ideas of xmas things to show, that when you actually stop and think for a soupcon, they're not remotely xmas-y.

I will start this plan NOW: Freiheit - Keeping The Dream Alive



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: 5
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 0
Number of winter / snow etc words: 0
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 15%
Relationship to xmas? : Bugger all.

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I'm baffled why this is a Christmas song. Anyone got any ideas?

And they'd have got away with it if it wasn't for those darn kids!

I am, so I'm told, the intended recipient of a package. Which contains $700,000 in cash. (must be a bit heavy).

But the silly sausages forgot to pay enough to cover the weight of all those greenbacks, so I must pay $315 and 29 cents within the next 2 days, or it will be sent back!

Quite why the nice lady at fedex currier company can't just take a bit out of the money in the box, I'm not sure. They could even get some donuts, on me! They must be stupid or something...

Perhaps that's why they spell courier as currier. Unless it works by a chain of fast food shops delivering your money slowly in a max 5 mile radius with free onion bhajis?

Voyage to trip out city

Well, sort of. A bit. Maybe.

I have been given by the vets some new antihistamines, as standard over the counter stuff works for about 2 hours and then stops, and taking 6 in a day is slightly more than "1 a day" like it says on the box. I'm also told "drowsy effect", which considering I've not been spleeping could well be a positive point.

So last night, itch, scratch, not tired.... I know, try one out.

Goes to bed, still not tired but resigned to singing the infinite bottles of beer on the wall song. Then came the strange things.

I can hear something. But in my head, not in reality. It's like listening to a numbers station. This goes on for a bit. It then changes to Jeremy Clarkson talking gibberish. No, not the rubbish he often spouts, but actual strings of nonsense words, that I sort of understand. Then there are a sequence of chords, that are not so groovy. Then I start to feel tired / dulled, so write down the above so I'd not forget (I have some great blogging ideas that are lost by the next day).

The pills are bright blue coloured... Oh.. matrix-y.. Perhaps I should ask if they've got any red ones and wake up?

Tubetastic Thursday - Keltech strikes back

Meh! One more week and the insanity of it all will be over.

The mildly annoying thing is I'm very busy and working hard, but I'm not actually making all that much more money than usual. Peeps appear to have stopped buying the cheaper easy to make things, and are buying the expensive 40 mins each sodding things, so I work like crazy and then there's only 10 parcels for that day and £90.

And.. relax.

I bring to you:
DJ Keltech - Keltech strikes back



Thinking you've seen this before? Well you prolly have as it was a viral video, what, three years ago?

If you like your scratching, then his cd be worth a-buying.

I generally doth not buy cd's cos a) tight, b) mp3's on a usb stick works better in my car. But I bought this one. I's even got it signed to moi... could be worth 99p in a few decades time... And yes, first thing I did was rip it to mp3 and put it on a shelf. The cd is dead, long live the cd!

Woo!

We interrupt this not blogging to bring an important announcement.

I is teh winnah! And no, I don't mean I'm a "special" winner like other peeps tell me, I mean the real cash money type. £25 from the premium bonds.

Woo! Yay!

Tubetastic Thursday - Living next door to Alice

It's rather sad that the only day I can keep up with is the lazy blogging day dontcha think?

It is of course quite a lot to do with that whole xmas rubbish. Brings out the idiots who waste my time, and makes me work harder so no time for excitement and adventure.

"But at least you're making money" stupid people will say.... Well, yes you are, but no you're not. The 'extra' money goes on buying in lots of boxes and bubble envelopes and stock just in case someone wants to buy it. So you end up with more stuff that there's no space for, but no more "real" money, and not forgetting of course that people stop buying things once it's time to plonk in front of their shiny new idiot boxes.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. You're (maybe) here for tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Smokie - Living next door to Alice.



Smokie.... possibly the best thing to have come out of Bradford. Not a city I have much love for.

You may have noted that this is the original 70's version (methinks the sweede cuts give it away just a soupcon), not the 90's remake. Though come to think of it, the 90's one does have a valid question "Who the F*** is Alice?" anyways?

Why is she leaving after 24 years in a big limousine? Has she inherited the family fortune? Obviously she wants to make an impression on leaving, it's been staged and perhaps planned for years....

What happened to stop him from being able to interact with Alice? Did one or more of them go mental? I'm thinking perhaps he did.

Sally's been waiting 24 years for Alice to bugger off so she can have a go... But I think she will not get anywhere. He's not capable of interacting with the world, even if the world wants to interact with him. All he can do is watch as his chances fade away.

Er, I think I'm projecting my story onto this just a little.... Stop now. Yes, stop good.

Empty

My mind is on empty. And my enthusiasm reserve is too. And my tolerance of the whole xmas shash. I just keep trying to think soon it will be back to normal, whatever normal is anyways.

On the bright side, I've overcome the Ma's quest for the perfect (none existent) washing machine. I applied a bit of lateral thinking, and repaired the old one. It's a whole lot easier to fix these things at 3 am, when you can be calm and methodical. Printout from fix your washing machine website in one hand, cup of tea in the other.

True, technically it could also be a recipe for someone finding you dead of electrocution the next morning, but faint heart never won fair maiden, or got your clothes clean.

To add to the fun, I'm also trying to find out empirically just how many "one a day" antihistamines you can take in a day without dying. I've had five in the last 24 hours, and the edge is just about wearing off, as if I need another one. Google tells me what the symptoms of overdose are and I don't have them. It also tells me the half life is 8 hours, so how 1 is supposed to work for 24 hours I'm not sure. The house of half truths that is wikipedia suggests 10mg (1 a day) is barely more effective than a placebo. Ho hum, if anyone finds a spare liver, I'll have it for xmas plz.

Tubetastic Thursday - Punk rock girl

I'm rather tired today as it's 2:43 am on Thursday morning. Too many late nights methinks...

So without further ado I bring to you:
The Dead Milkmen - Punk rock girl


Not my favourite milkmen track, but the first video I could find.

Now they're back as a band again with a new bass player I'd like to see them live. I'd also like to win the lottery, have a wining personality, and lots of other things that won't happen. Sorry, depressed, tired, tired.. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Additional, 5pm.

This song be of course sung by Joe Jack Talcum, and is perhaps their most commerically successful release. Shame he doesn't actually sing most of the songs normally.

I'm am still tired, and can now add world weary to the list... The washing machine died. I took Ma to the washing machine shoppe to look at new ones. New ones fill up with only cold water. Ma wants one that fills with cold & hot water. I tell her the only come in cold these days. Shop assistant tells her they only come in cold these days. Ma believes we are lying (??) and insists we go to every shop that sells washing machines. Quelle suprise, they only sell cold fill ones, 'cos that's all the manufacturers make.

Methinks this one is going to run and run until I can't take any more.

IG update

Like anyone cares. But just in case....

Idiot Girl has been released from the hospital. Plz to come back if your foot falls off, or if it starts leaking blood / metal parts / massive infection.

Bugger

Bugger to N decimal places.
Today is not looking like a good day.

Next door neighbour knocked on the door, can I move my car for 10 mins?
Ok.... Moves car.. "bong bong bong" goes car and the dash lights up like a Xmas tree. This be going to be expensive, and I can't put it on the credit card as yesterday the credit card people phoned up to tell me my card details have been stolen and it doesn't work any more. So no credit until they send a new one in 14 days.

I then get a phone call where I get bollocked for being out of the house for five whole minutes. Turns out Idiot Girl is now sitting in the hospital A+E department, as it would appear the plates holding her leg together, er, aren't.

So I've now got the entertainment of the Ma playing "what if?" and "We should go there... text Idiot Girl this stupid message" etc, when Idiot Girl has said stay put here until she tells us to come. So eventually Ma will a) drive me nuts, and b) go there even though told to stay away, and big shouty things will happen in the hospital.

Somebody plz, shoot me thru the head, I don't want to live...

Tis the season to eat holly

blurgh blurgh blurgh ow ow ow...

Well, that was a fun weekend.

As a pro evil bay seller I get the fun of not only selling stuff, but then going down to my magic workshop and making said stuff, followed by packing it. Some stuff is just bought in and sold on, but of course they really hit me hard on the "my stuff" and not the easy things.

So I worked until 9:30 pm, then grabbed a quick sarnie before starting to pack things. 1:12 am, and packing is complete. Lots of bubble envelopes for the lady to take to the post office tomorrow and terrorise the staff with. They are all hugely afraid as she now knows the game better than they do and tells them off if they get it wrong.

I'm still failing to understand the logic of the evilbay punter though. 90% of my stuff is buy it now. You click the little button and it's yours. So why do I have 50 people watching one of my ducks when there are exactly four of them left on my shelf?
They're not going to get any cheaper people.... and you can be sure when I've sold them at least 5 of the watchers will email me asking if I've got any more 'cos they was watching and didn't get one...

Other joys of the day:
Some bloke knocking on my garage wall. Turns out he's vaguely related to a friend, and would like to purchase my ford fiesta. Er.. a) it's not for sale b) if it was you don't want to buy it as it's in lots of small pieces, half of it isn't there and it needs massive amounts of welding. c) It's behind my ford capri that last moved three years ago, and I have no plans to move it soon.

Facebook doth not like me.
Try to do anything and a big notice comes up saying you haven't confirmed your account, check your email and confirm it. But.. I've done that...

Emailed the facebook dwarfs... reply.. your account has been confirmed... Yes.. I know that.. could you please tell the interweb thing that is has so it will work then?

Maybe tomorrow things will work....

illogical captain

I start my day the same as always, ask the Ma what's new?

News for today is the house idiot girl is renting out is damp, and tenants want it fixed pronto. Idiot girl has told the agents she has no money, and it will get fixed next year and if they don't like it, unlucky.

Er, Question.... What are you going to do when tenants leave the house 'cos it's uninhabitable, and the agents then don't advertise it for rent 'cos who wants to rent a damp house? Call me stupid, but no tenants = no income, so you have no choice but to fix it now...

Then comes the next thing... Idiot girl is not very well. And she's supposed to be "going out" tonight, but is in no condition to drive anywhere. "Unlucky" is the thought that crosses my mind.

Fast forwards a couple of hours. Idiot girl is still ill, but Ma has "volunteered" that I can drive her to the pub, and collect several other drunken fools she calls friends on the way.

Oh, thank you Ma! Not like we're in the Xmas rush and I've got work to do... Plus really ill, so is it clever to add really drunk too?

So sucker collects idiot girl, and collects "friends". Where to now IG?
"The monkey, you know where that is?" no.
"Next to northern college" still no.
"Hood green" Que?
"Near my horse".. Still a bit on the cold side. I've got this really good idea... it's called I drive and you say left or right when there are choices...

As we bimble along there are several topics of conversation:
1) How much they hate the other people they are all going to go and meet.
2) How the pub is freezing cold, and a sh*thole.

No, I don't ask why the hell they are going there then, much as I'd like to. They then say one of the nicest things anyone has said to me.... "He's not like Idiot Girl at all". Thank the LORD for that.. though it is perhaps rather rude to talk about someone in the third person when they're in the same car.

Idiot girl, just say no.

On not getting it in the slightest

I haz done it. But I'm failing to see the point. Several years after everyone else I now have a facebook account.

But, er, just what is the purpose of this fabulous must have thing?

No, really, I'm serious...
So far all I've worked out is you put the name of your real life friend in the top box, and thump search. It then brings back lots of results that aren't your friend at all. You then do this several more times, narrowing it down by inserting their location, weight, DNA structure etc, and you finally find your friend.

It then says click here to add them, so you do, and fill out a captcha, and then it says they will think about it, oh and here is a massive list of people you don't know remotely, but are they your friends??

After half an hour I've found oh! four friends, and my sister Idiot Girl. I clicked block on idiot girl, as frankly knowing her in real life is waaaay too much.

I consider myself to be good with all this interweb stuff, having been online since 1995.
~hovis advert music~
I can remember mosaic browser, then there was that new fangled netscape thing. I had a hotmail account before it belong to microsoft... And I had a 28.8 modem for the speedz..... so why don't I have a clue what the bloody hell this social networking guff is all about?

If anyone can tell me what happens now, and when the excitement is likely to start (So I can wear my brown pants on that day) I'd be happy to hear from you...

Tubetastic Thursday - Camouflage

Hello world! Why, is it Thursday already? I'm only up to Monday on the work thing at best.

I bring to you:
Stan Ridgeway - Camouflage.


Oh! Spooky! Dead marine's ghost saves the day in 'Nam.

Also one song you are pretty much guaranteed never to ever hear on the radio. Said video is only the radio edit at 5 minutes, the full version being over 7 minutes. And no DJ will ever risk playing it as they're afraid peeps will go off and do something else instead, and there won't be time to put 500 adverts an hour on for the jelly bar.

This actually made no. 5 in 1986, but I don't even remember it being on the radio then...

A spaceman came travelling

on his ship from afar,
'Twas light years of time since his mission did start,
And over a village he halted his craft,
And it hung in the sky like a star, just like a star

Yes, the countdown to doom is drawing closer. And I have questions, dammit! Or they could be badly disguised rants....

Uno:
Why do we all have to rush out and buy lots of things for other people?
'Cos it's Christmas! the sheeple will cry.

Oh. So you have to do it's cos everyone else does. The rest of the year you can ignore them, safe in the knowledge that you don't have to buy them anything until the one day comes. I must be some sort of sucker to buy peeps I care about things all year round for no other reason than I want to.

Dos:
Where are you going round 'tarn to get pissed on Xmas?
What do you mean you're not???

There may or may not be a Jesus bloke sitting on a cloud watching us (I suspect not), but if he is I'm sure he's dead proud that you're celebrating him coming to save mankind by going out and getting totally hammered. Look dad, another one passed out in the gutter... Smote him son, he's a bad 'un! Another drunk dies choking on vomit.

Of course as my "friends" & "family" know about me, this means I can be exploited. Don't book a taxi, phone the idiot boy at 3am and tell him it didn't arrive and you're stranded and come help. Or last year, when your child gets half it's teeth knocked out by your other child at 1am, but you're too drunk to do anything about it, phone old reliable to take the happy family to hospital...

Three:
What do you want for Christmas?
Nothing.
You must want something!
World peace?

Why am I supposed to want several hundred quids worth of stuff? I'm not mega rich, but by looking after the pennies, if I want something I can go out and buy it. Ergo, if I'm not buying things, I have no current desire for things.

Perhaps they think by spending lots on shiny things they show they love me. I would be a lot more impressed if they did something for me that had meaning, personal effort, not just throw money at a problem. Draw me a card. Write something for me. Sing a song if you have to. Oh, that requires work... Bottle of booze it is then.

Bah humbug!

No suprises

Teh BBC has a waste 20 mins of your life and find out who you is test thing.
My results are:


Openness describes to what extent you are receptive to novel ideas, creative experiences and different values.

Conscientiousness describes to what extent you are organised, strategic and forward-planning.

Extroversion describes to what extent you are inclined to experience positive emotions and how attracted you are to social, stimulating experiences.

Agreeableness describes to what extent you are concerned about the feelings of others and how easily you form bonds with people.

Neuroticism describes to what extent you react to perceived threats and stressful situations.

Quelle suprise! Introvert nutcase without friends.
Can I get my 20 minutes back plz?

Smart party membership : DENIED

Or Idiot Girl gets it wrong again.

Idiot Girl is still not very good in the walking department, having previously mangled the leg to hell. Idiot Girl has a dog, Sasha. Who has just had 'bits' removed at the vets, and has been kept inside without walkies for days.

Idiot Girl takes Sasha for a walk. Without crutches. Or a mobile phone. In the style of a Mr. R. Harris, can you guess what happens next kids?

Ans: Splat! I've fallen and I can't get up! I'll just lie on the pavement until someone comes to my rescue then shall I? Yes, that would be a good plan.

Smart party membership: Lifetime ban.

On crap pub names

I have the radio on while in the workshop to try and cut down on the tedium of it all. Sadly, in an attempt to make money they have adverts. Usually this includes one for some position relating to making of adverts (scriptwriter, sales manager etc). This is because, the adverts are in fact complete and utter shash.

But there's a new one, where no one has a hope in hell of making a successful advert. The basic premise is ok. Pub has a new chef, with exciting menus, freshly made food and they want you to come and eat there.

The problem is, the pub is called "The Jelly Bar". J-E-L-L-Y Bar.... Does this make you think of quality food? Or ice cream....

Of course crap FM and their adverts team have made it even less appealing by using a bloke who sounds like Chris Tarrant. No, not "who wants to be a millionaire" final answer? serious Chris Tarrant, more like Tiswas pissed off his face Chris Tarrant.

Which then makes you think of Sally James's Cleavage, and do they sell milk at the Jelly bar?

Tubetastic Thursday - The carnival is over

You, yes YOU ! get to choose today.

Feeling downbeat?
I bring to you:
Nick Cave & the bad seeds - The carnival is over.


Feeling upbeat?
I bring to you:
Boney M - The carnival is over.



The lesson here is anyone who feels upbeat has been suitably punished. Even if I wasn't 24 hours a day "negative" as some people claim, I think I'd go for the Nick Cave version.

Yes, I know it's by the seekers originally. And whilst I quite like the original version, I think Nick turns it into the song about ending and doom it should be. Quite what the lyrics mean I'm not 100% sure. It's a fairly safe bet that it's not about carnivals.

Theory uno:
They be off to a war in the morning. And unlike Baldrick didn't think of carving their name on a bullet, and thus are likely to be deado shortly.

Theory dos:
Singer is dying of some slow terminal disease, and this is it. Goodbye....

illogical

as mr. Spock would most likely say.

Today's big spam is an email telling you your email account has been deleted. Er, surely that's a spiral that can only end with the destruction of the space / time continuum?

Your email account is deleted.
You have been sent notice of this deletion by email.
To the deleted account.
But you are reading the deletion email.
50 goto 10...

Five points for original thinking though. Way better than last week's hot spam of "your facebook password was changed".

O RLY?
I say old chap, that's most shocking... considering it's been changed 500 times this hour alone... quite an achievement considering I don't have a facebook account...

More spam as it happens.. Lots more..

One and a half percent

I did it. Sort of. Badly.

I met up with the world famous Misty, or more precisely her viking alter ego. And her viking friends.


Misty tells me they are all very nice people, and I should interact with them. The problem of course is no matter how nice they are (and they where), I am a total and utter failure in the interaction thing.

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

(tnx radiohead).

True, after this photo was taken, to the untrained eye, it did appear that they engaged in attempting to beat seven bells of sh*te out of each other. I'm not sure I would like to take part in this if I was invited (I was assured they're all highly trained at clonking each other).

But I failed miserably in the more peaceful pursuits that I could have done. I wonder occasionally if I'm perhaps somewhere on the autistic spectrum, I've never been able to do the small talk thing well. But that feels like cop out, blame my failing on this label sort of thing.

Normally at this point I would have given Misty her birthday presents (my excuse for going), and buggered off into the sunset to be miserable thinking what could have been. But due to unexpected happenings which I won't go into, as Misty will no doubt a) want to tell the tale herself, as it's her tale, and b) make a much better job of it, I found myself having a second day of Misty and friends.

Which be where the 1.5 percent comes in. That being how far round the earth I drove today. Woo! Knackered now! I know some people prolly go that far to the corner shop, but I'm not used to it. Sadly I am used to getting the evil eye from certain people who think I'm stupid to do such things. C'est la vie.

Friday the 13th

Holds no fear for me. Having lived my entire life at houses with the number 13, if something bad was to happen it would have done it by now. Or it has and I've just failed to notice.

I am, however, in a mixture of excited / sad / unhappy / hyper. For on Saturday I am to meet a certain blogger and her killer friends. I should be happy. But all I can think of is how many ways I can get it wrong. Self doubt, your name be C'riz.

In an attempt to break the negative thinking, I am playing a selection of my favourite teenage death songs, with a heavy emphasis on the silly ones. I know it was only yesterday I was leaning on the youtube lazy blogging crutch, but My blog! My blog!, I'm going to do it again, as I feel you should share my pain.

I bring to you:
Bob Hudson - Teenage Cremation



At a 100 miles per hour,
we ran into a truck,
the driver he just looked at us ,
and all he said was "Ooooargh! Look out!!"

I feel better already...

Tubetastic Thursday - Woodpeckers from space

I'm still not feeling too well, and there are important things for the weekend. Important, terrifying things. So have to hope for improvement soon..

But as I'm suffering, I think it's only fair that everyone else does too. 80's style..

I bring to you:
Video kids - woodpeckers from space



Now there's a song you couldn't make today.... Besides the random awfulness of it, there's also the would get zapped by the copyright police factor.

The 7 inch starts with a speak n spell sample of w-o-o-d-p-e-c-k-e-r. Entertainingly, if you have spotify installed there is a cover version on there. A cover version of something this bad. They make it worse than the original by not being able to afford a speak n spell, so get a bloke to pretend to be one instead.... Most odd.

Can you think of anything worse than this?

ill

I appear to have a stinkin' cold, with the added bonus of sudden rush of work to do, which means more time in my cold damp garage.

So my brain is now totally fried and I haz nothing to blog about. Plz to read some of the clever people's blogs from the side bar >>>

Normal service will be resumed just as soon as I can work out what normal is.

She tried the green

she tried the red. I'll have 'em both that's what she said*

Well, the post strikes are off until the new year. Yay!

Or maybe not. 'Cos of course having expected a strike tomorrow I've not busted my nuts to get the work I have got done for then, 'cos there's no point is there? Plenty of time, do it at a sensible pace and not make mistakes. Now there isn't a strike I'm waaaay behind.

It's also woken up the idiots to buying things. I got asked this question:
What would you do for a gear knob (no 11) and 2 sets of dice?

The bad old days are back... He wants to buy 3 things (total value £10). He's expecting a price of <£5 for all 3, when the most expensive is £6 on it's own. Do I a) not bother wasting my time replying or b) do what I'd like to do and tell him I'd take them off the shelf, but you're going to have to pay £10 you pikey.

(*Don't you rock me daddy-o - vipers skiffle group)

Tubetastic Thursday - Earth Angel

Thursday again. I'm not sure it's a good Thursday.

Tonight I get to go to the photo class and explain why I have no photos of canals, but I'm sure I can bluff it. Or sit at the back and let the extroverts take over and there won't be time for little old me.

I'm also getting killed slowly, by no fault of my own. The post strikes rumble on, and what should be a busy time selling xmas tat isn't. People aren't stupid and if the strikes continue nobody will buy anything. Being 40% down on normal isn't very nice :(

Not looking too good for Idiot Girl either. Be back at work by the end of December or go down to half pay. Currently the people in the know think it will be at least 6 more months before she can work, so that's going to be 'interesting'.

But enough of this doom and gloom.

I bring to you:
Marvin Berry and the Starlighters - Earth Angel



This is of course the fictional group created for "back to the future".

Earth angel has also been recorded by just about everyone, "the penguins" version prolly being the version most people know. Whilst it's a good version, I think I like this one just a soupcon more. Methinks the BTTF connection helps boost it. You want George & Lorraine to live happily ever after, or is that just me?

Anyways, feel good song, which be what I need right now. Normal moping will be resumed shortly.

On doing it wrong... again

Twice in one week. I think I should be locked up away from humanity where I cannot do any harm.

I gave someone who doesn't read this blog something (being vague just in case I'm wrong on the previous statement). And they was happy for a while. But as usual I can't say "enjoy" and leave it at that, no I have to #### it all up, and no doubt now the happy is tempered somewhat with what a useless git I am.

SO I will go away and be miserable. But it won't help, and I will get it wrong again next time. Life. Why bother? I'm just lurching from one failure to the next.

On doing it wrong

I'm on a photography course. Not really for the photos, but to interact with real humans as well.
On Saturday I was supposed to interact on a "field trip" to the Sheffield canal.

It's fair to say the words "epic fail" come to mind. Interactions: 0.5 (they talked, I tried to run away).

Photos taken: 121
Photos taken that contain a canal, or elements thereof: 0

Think this one was the closest:

Tubetastic Thursday - Crucified

It's Thursday. And I'm in huge amounts of pain, as I went to readjust my hairband, my shoulders spasmed and now they plus my neck are going ARGGHHH! for no sensible reason. Add in I have a lot of physical work to do and today will be "interesting".

But never mind that tot. You're here, (well I assume you're here, you may not be) for Tubetastic Thursday, yay!

I bring to you:
Army of lovers - Crucified



Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I like this one for the lady with the gravity defying breasts aren't you?

Well, it is true to say if La Camilla (for that be who she is) was to offer me the chance to put my head between them and go blubble blubble blubble I wouldn't say no. For that would be rude.

But the truth is I actually like this as a song. It's a good example of euro cheesyness. In fact back in 1992 when this came out I actually spent hard earned money in rip off HMV buying the import album. As this was pre interweb it was of course priced at think of a number and double it pricing.

It's still one of my favourites today, though of course since the t'interweb you can now find euro cheese that you'd never have heard before 'cos the marketing men decided you wouldn't like it. We've never had it so good.

ps. As observed by one of the you tube comments, one of the blokes does look like Amy Winehouse, with the exception he can sing.

On not being defective

I think I'm going mad. Yes, madder than normal.

For a while now I've been thinking I can't see properly. Like I'm driving along and I have to concentrate to make out the next car's number plate. So being a dutiful citizen who follows the laws I booked myself in to the opticians.

Just been there now, explains my concerns, read my chart plz. Er.... you can easily see two lines more than the driving standard. Twiddle twiddle, better with this lens and all that tot, and the verdict is my current specs are the correct prescription, and I can see perfectly fine.

So it's either all in my little head, or I'm not allowing for it becoming winter and darker, or there be something wrong but it's not happening right there in the shop. I don't know if I should be relieved that there's nothing wrong, or upset that there's nothing wrong.

Oh well, it will soon be winter properly and I'll get SAD again and won't want to go out or do anything but sleep, so maybe that will cure it. Depression as something to look forwards to. Hmmm.. yes I am a fruitloop..

Wait! You have a tv?

No. If you read the tv guide, you don't need a tv.
- Grandpa, the lost boys.

He's right you know... Plz to observe exhibit A) over that way <<<<<

Yes, it's another book I bought in my mad book battle of wills with the post man. And it's surprisingly good. I'd even go so far as to say I'm definitely enjoying it more than sitting down and watching the dvd.

The freaky thing is, every time I pick it up and look at the cover I hear Brad Fiedel's terminator theme in my head.

Awooga! It's a wild tangent... Naturally I've not seen terminator salvation yet, but the message I'm getting from the mean streets is it's not very good. So I have a theory why... It's the soundtrack. Composed by Danny Elfman. You know, the bloke who did the simpsons theme. So 'tis obvious why the film I haven't seen is no good.

I'm going back to my padded cell now. If you have any wild theories you'd like to inject into my psyche then plz, comment me up!

Tubetastic Thursday - Live it up

It's Thursday, and I'm feeling 80's today. Ok, the decade that taste forgot, but technically my era, so what the hell.

Caution, may cause earworm.

I bring to you:
Mental as anything - Live it up.



Of course this was massive due to being used in crocodile dundee. The single has a huge pic of gurning Paul Hogan, a large crocodile dundee logo, and a little "mental as anything" hidden away.

While I like it, I must admit, having downloaded er legally purchased their album, it is, in fact, a complete and utter load of tosh. Shame really.

Oh go on then:

Madama Butterfly

I got another one of my cheapy books delivered.
But I think I like the envelope more than the book:

2nd class large letter for 47p or I'll use this knife....

A book at bedtime : Roadblaster #1 - hell ride

Ok, I admit to buying this book. I was trying to injure postmen, and that's my excuse.

Not fooling anyone am I?

One of my weaknesses is the post apocalyptic trash novel. Popular for a brief period in the eighties when it looked like Ronnie Raygun was likely to accidentally use the wrong colour phone to order a pizza and wipe out the planet by accident.


If you've never read one it works like this. The "hero" is a 'Nam vet etc. Who happens to be taking a weekend out of civilisation, living off the land in the wilderness when the button gets pushed and nukes go off everywhere. Lucky him, he doesn't die. But he now has a quest, to cross the US of A to "find his family". In the way are corrupt government killers, biker gangs, radioactive zombies etc. Our hero spends the rest of the book protecting the weak, shooting lots, and coming out with worse one liners than any Arnold movie.

So simple mindless fun for an evening's reading.

Except... this book is wrong. Very wrong. It looks right. Double checks the list:

tag line, check! :
After the war the dead outnumbered the living and gasoline was more precious than blood
Silly title, check!
Author with unpronounceable name, check!
Nuke scorched cover art, check!

Problem's are:

Boom.. there go the nukes. So he goes for a drive to see what the bang was. Now at this point there should be radiation mutated zombies, biker gangs etc. There isn't. Instead there be friendly townsfolk who feed him and give him fuel before waving him off on his quest.

He goes to the big city, and starts helping people. Still no zombies etc. This is all wrong. In fact I'm at page 100, and nobody has died yet... There's no descriptions of burger joints where the only things char broiled where the customers.. No bullets tearing thru skulls, brains flying like strawberry thick shake.

It is, to be blunt, an epic fail. I don't think I can read more. It's mad max - the disney channel cut. The last time I was this disappointed with a book was "rendezvous with rama". (Oh look an alien spacecraft, oh yes, it's alien alright, right that'll do, then end.)

The only thing that truly amazes me is he found somebody stupid enough to publish two more followup books, imaginatively called "death ride" and "blood ride".

More books coming soon...

Tubetastic Thursday - Daria

Thursday, blah, busy busy busy, places to go, people to kill etc.

I cut to the chase and bring to you:
Daria - Esteemers.



I identify with Daria. Yes indeedy.

She has the mega popular sister who hates her, the dysfunctional family etc.

I also have the envy, as she has Jane Lane as her best friend. I need an outsider best friend. ~sigh~

I like having low self esteem, makes me feel special.

Clickage ideas required

So it's Wednesday already, I've got work piled up to here, and I also want to go to machine mart for the don't pay the vat on shiny new tool things day, which also happens to be today.

So veh busy... but tomorrow is Thursday. Thursday of rather boring clicky photography course. The one where last Thursday the nice man said it was very important that we all go and do the clicky.

The only photo I've taken all week was on my phone today. A car where some deranged person had stuck on gajillions of flower stickers, and then put in the back window "pimped my ride".

So I've got this mental picture of everyone else turning up with carefully composed masterpieces, and I've got one wonky shot of a crap car.

So, dear reader, what can I take pics of today that isn't going to need loads of time to do, given I have to be busy with the acid tank and buying shiny?

Help. Plz.

Doctor Doctor!

Can't you see I'm burning, burning?
Oh doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling?

Or is it in fact not love, and more like something very wrong with my foot? Yes, it's the foot isn't it....

I'm not a happy chap. 5 weeks ago I woke up with my foot hurting for no apparent reason. Nothing looks wrong with it, just aches all the time and goes argh! every step I take.

2 weeks ago I thought bugger this, and went to the new shiny all singing and dancing (them not me) walk in fix it clinic, as it would be 5 weeks to see a doctor at my own practise. 5 mins later I am seeing the triage nurse. Looks normal.. yes.. I know that. Take Ibuprofen & paracetamol for a week, and if no better come back and see the vet.

1 week ago I went back to see the doctor. Looks normal... yes... I still know that... I now have some diclofenac sodium 50mg.

Today I still have pain, and less tablets left. So I googled what it is, and it's an anti-inflammatory. But, er, said foot looks normal and not swelled in the slightest.

So, er, what's going on? C'riz suspects I've been given a big box of do nothing tabs in the hope that whatever it is will clear itself up in the time it takes me to use them all up.

Teh happy, I no have it.

The war is over

I won. I think.

Books are now appearing behind my door, posted properly. So I could have beaten the postman into submission, or, perhaps, the original postman is back, in which case I've not won, and I am torturing an innocent. Bugger.

I also have quite a few books to read. The problem with buying books off ebay is sellers are a bunch of lazy gits. Take a photo of the cover, type in the title and author, and that's all they do. Call me stupid, but surely you sell more things if you say, include a photo of the back cover? You know, sell to the people who are browsing, not just to the peeps who want a specific title.

So I've been buying by a combination of "read his books before" and "interesting cover".
The one I'm reading at the min is:



This satisfies both criteria.

Joe Haldeman is of course perhaps best known for the award winning "the forever war". It's not my favourite, which be "All My Sins Remembered". He took a bullet in 'Nam, so rather unsurprising that his works tend to be anti war.

Then there's the cover. Oh my.

Cat faced alien being - Check.
Bold man with ray gun - Check.
Woman lacking clothing - Check.
(If I had a bottom like that I'd never leave the house.)

So it's a double reason to buy. And only a pound too.

It's actually been a while since I was seriously into reading. As an ankle biter I read pretty much constantly, which baffled the adults. How come he's so crap at spelling and writing when he reads so much? The answer is obvious to me, I was busy being in another world far in the future. I didn't have time to take notice of how the words are spelled, only where they took me. Silly people.

Sadly, I won't get to read all these books. I have already caught the Ma stashing some of them in a carrier bag-o-doom. This being why I have purchased some titles 5 or more times.

Carrier bag-o-doom > lost or charity shopped. Why the bag-o-doom is never used for good instead of evil I don't know. Sister in the bag? No problem...

Stopping now. Ramble over.

Tubetastic Thursday - Double bill

Thursday... now almost 2 hours old. 22 scary ones still to come.

I have a lot planned for Thursday. I will relate this now:

Firsty, I am the man who you phone up when you a) want your pooter fixing, and b) don't want to actually pay for your pooter fixing. It's got to levels of the silly now, as I get phone calls from people I've never even met. Friend of friend type stuff. And I just don't have time for it. So I now operate on a simple system, pay me real money or wait. Wait a long long long time. This has cut down the calls a lot.

But I got one on Sunday night. Friend of a relative, who we will call Sonja, for that be her name. I fix her pooter as notes of the realm are involved, and it's never really broken. More like infected to hell as still not learned when a box pops up saying "click here to infect your machine to hell" it's a good idea not to clicky. So going to go and do battle with that monster tommorrow.

I am also going to my photography course at night at the university 15 miles that way>>>

Did the first session last week, and it was fairly awful. No clicky occurred, but several old people monopolised the time with stupid questions. As instructed I duly emailed the lecturer, and casually pointed out I was one of the quiet ones, due to being mental. I got a reply saying a) ta for not killing him to death in a mental way, b) he intends to stop the oldies from monopolising the time, and c) (scary) hang around after the lesson and have a chat if I feel up to it. Do I feel up to it? Somehow I doubt it...

Anyways, you're not here for my so called life. You're here for Tubetastic Thursday. And as I missed a week I'm going to give you 2 bites of the cherry. Lucky you eh?

I bring to you:
Titanic. In 5 seconds.



Sorry, but this just makes me laugh like a total loon.

I also bring to you:
3 doors down - Be like that.



If I could be like that
I'd give anything
Just to live one day
In those shoes.
If I could be like that, what would I do?
What would I do?

Answers on a postcard..................

Battle of wills

I is back. Woo... yay... maybe...

Domestic situation is now at defcon 3, where people politely pretend there isn't a problem, while at the same time looking for any excuse to go off on one. Still, I can live with it.

Besides, I have new excitement in my life, A battle of wills, er, with the new postman.

As you may know, I am a professional fruit loop. So I have no option but to be self employed, as there is no way I could hold it together working for someone else. Now being self employed is bloody awful wonderful!

One of the things you tell normal people to make yourself look good is you're the boss and you set the hours you work. Want the day off, take the bloody day off, enjoy yourself! You're the boss! You kind of gloss over the bit where the job has to be done no matter what and there's only you. Besides 70 hour weeks are good for you.

Er,where was I? Er... Yes! Well I never liked mornings, so I made an executive decision that I'm not going to work them. So while normal people are going about their ant like lives, for the last twelve years I've been sleeping my way thru mornings. True, I have to work evenings to catch up the work, but it suits me fine.

Until last week. "ding dong ding dong.... ding dong ding dong" Wha? 10:30am.. Must be post... Opened the window, and it's not my normal postman. It's my (soon to be) enemy... Shambled downstairs, "parcel for you" he says, holding what is obviously a slim paperback book wrapped in brown paper.

"oh, thanks. Er, that would fit thru the letterbox".
"oh. Bye!" And off he goes.

Next day... 10:30am.. annoying doorbell plays a bontempi special version of "yankee doodle". It's the same postman. With another very thin parcel. Hang on, there's a pattern emerging here, but I can't quite put my finger on it....

Obviously I cannot let him win, and just get me out of bed every time I get a parcel. Then I had a revelation. He can only wake me up once in a day, no matter how many parcels he has for me. He also has a finite space in his post sack, and if it is exceeded will have to go back to the post office for the rest of the mail. I can punish him back!

So I went on ebay and accidentally bought a few books. Next time he got me up he had four parcels, and I detected was not over happy. But he'd still got me up... so up goes the ante. Back to ebay....

Today he had 10 books, and even less happy. But, he knows my game now and turned up half an hour earlier, the fiend!

The question, dear reader, is do I escalate it further? I have been buying books that I want. But I could start buying not for desire to own, but for desire to punish. I'm thinking big heavy books that no one wants and thus are cheap. £10 spent on crap books could easily weigh 5 kilos, maybe more.

To be continued....