Kylie

Plz to observe this Stock, Aitken & Waterman production:



Now I know what you're thinking.

a) It's not lazy blogging day C'riz.
b) Argh!

But none of the above are the point to this post. The theme if you didn't catch it is "I should be so lucky". For I have a new exciting quest to waste my days on. I'm going to find out how lucky I am.

This is actually a repeat experiment, but I last ran it in 2006, so it could be worth a rerun. I'm going to attempt to win things on the interweb. Enter lots of competitions until I win something exciting*
Last time it worked out at one prize every 6 weeks. I got bored before I won anything big though.

Wish me luck!

*Previous winnings: dvds, book token, toothbrush, inflatable donkey. Woo!

My Holiday

by C'riz, class 2B.

Today was the day. Loaded up the disco with Ma Ma, Idiot Girl et Sasha le dog. Off we trundled towards Scarborough, which is approx 2 hours & 90 miles that way. (points north east).

But first lets go to Filey, for they have a section of beach where you can take your dog. Dumped my 4x4 in a disabled space, and then promptly made everyone think "what a faker", when a volvo tried to park behind me, so I pushed my disco forwards a foot so he could get in. Ma Ma is the disabled one, but they don't know that.

Walked onto beach, via the ice cream shop as Idiot Girl is one of the people that sees ice cream and must have. Sasha a) goes nutso running about b) discovers what waves are (and doesn't like them) & c) lets several other dogs steal her ball.

A small break for feeding time at the zoo, a visit to the arcade for me, more beach for the dog, and then it's on to the main event in Scarborough. We arrive for the model navel warfare. Despite having a commentator that needed to learn when to shut the hell up it went rather well. Apart from dogs don't like things that go bang.

What else shall we do? Hmmm. A walk that way. That way being the new and shiny park. It was very nice, but I actually liked it more before in it's ruined splendour. But I'm strange like that.

Let's go fly a kite. Up to the highest height. And send it soaring. Er. no. Minutes of entertainment spent deciphering the chinglish instructions. Ok, Idiot Girl, you have control of the lines, I have hold of the kite. I will throw it into the air and you will fly it!

Oh dear, it's crashed. Repeat x 5.... But then success! Fly fly fly! I quickly grab my mobile and take a photo of the kite flying. I put it back in pocket, and the kite then arcs downwards. At a rather high velocity. Straight for me as it happens.... Blammo!

The plastic reinforcing pointy bit (stop me if I'm getting too technical) smacks straight into the bridge of my nose. I drop like a sack of spuds going argh! Man down! Medic! and other dramatic things. The dog at this point thinks it would be great fun to attack me as well, so I'm splat with a dog sat on my head. Marvellous. How we all laughed!

All the fun must end, so we trundle homewards. On the way back I can feel myself getting rather tired, so having no fear of death ask Idiot Girl if she would like to drive. I figure my car doesn't have long to live now, so what's the worse that can happen? We arrive back, and there's still 11 miles left before it hits 150,000 miles. So I may even get another week before it blows.

Final score: Apart from injury, a most successful day. Idiot Girl wasn't a PITA for a change. It didn't rain. And nobody tried to sneak take that's greatest hits into my cd player. Woo! Yay!

Tubetastic Thursday: Maria Magdalena

Thursday....

I bring to you:
Sandra - (I'll never be) Maria Magdalena



This made a remarkably poor #91 on the UK charts back in 1985. Which is rather surprising considering it's success in Europe.

It contains one of the essential 80's instruments, the guitar styleee keyboard. Whatever happened to them? Did keyboard players one day wake up and realise they're never going to be cool, and they should be happy to be stood at the back, and get the occasional closeup of them tinkling the ivories?

If you're thinking I can place the voice, but not the face, Sandra was at one point mrs. Cretu. In case you're still thinking eh???, think "Enigma".

I doubt I'll ever be Maria Magdalena either. But I can dream....

*************

In unrelated, wish me luck, for on the morrow I depart with Ma Ma, Idiot Girl & Sasha le dog for Scarborough. Excitement, adventure, and random shouting when IG doesn't get her own way are sure to follow.

Selfish

It's either me or Idiot Girl. And I'm voting for Idiot Girl.

Last year Ma Ma and myself didn't go on holiday. This was due to the whole Idiot Girl tries to remove her foot via the medium of horse accident, so we can be her personal slaves while she puts her foot up. Understandable.

This year, well, we're going nowhere again. Idiot Girl now sort of functions, and is back working, driving cars, doing stupid things with horses, the usual crap. We're going nowhere as we are now Idiot Girl's very own personal dog sitters. So no holiday for us, as who will look after Idiot Girl's dog?

After a comment on the weekend, it was very hard not to want to give her a good kicking. We went shopping for 1.0 earth hours. At the same time IG wanted her dog looking after so she can go do something mind numbing with her homies. She phones up bitching, and I quote "I only get two days off a week".

I am self employed. Other self employed slaves will also no doubt struggle to remember when they last had two consecutive days off. I think mine was in May.

It's made more annoying, as she doesn't get 2 days a week off... It's more like 2 days a week ON. If you add up how much time she skives with "flexi time", "working from home", "visiting a client" and the other scams she uses to avoid actually going and doing work.

So, no holiday as we are dog owners apart from the odd few hours when she actually wants the dog to go do moronic things with her friends with dogs.

It then came to my attention that summer is rapidly running out. If I can't have a week, I can have a full day, and go see something? Surely this is not too much to ask? I even know what... Oh Ma Ma, would you care to accompany me for a day at the seaside? There will be excitement, adventure, and people pretending to be warships in a lake.

You guessed it, yes we can go, but it must be a day when we can take Idiot Girl + dog, or we can take the dog on our own. IG has somehow managed to find yet another day off work, so looks like it's her too. I half wish I wasn't going, as it's going to be a long day. Dog = can't go inside anywhere, or on the beach, or well, just about anything really. I've got nothing against the dog, but it would be nice to have a day where it isn't just dumped on us.

Cake

"I've bought you a cake" sayeth the Ma.

"Oh. Er, what kind of cake?"

"A chocolate one. Look!"

I looked. It is indeed a cake. A chocolate one. A chocolate one with icing. A balloon and the words "happy birthday".

"Er, it's not my birthday????"

"I know. But they where £1.50 on mad Jack's stall on the market".

I've not enquired why Jack is mad. Or if this is related to him having a job lot of cheap birthday cakes. Sometimes it's best not to know. Plus I can pretend I'm the Queen with two birthdays per year. Even if I didn't get cake on my real birthday.

Tubetastic Thursday: Voyage Voyage

Urgh.... The day job gets to me sometimes.

I have an idiot who has bought an item that is custom made to their specifications. Problem #1.. they can't be bothered to tell me their specifications. So I've been emailing them every freaking day for a week.. no reply.

Until today. Message from idiot... I don't have my item! rant rave! As usual it's my fault that I can't remotely read their tiny little mind. And no, I still don't know what they want. It will prolly take them making several threats & more complaints before I get it thru their thick heads that they are the source of the hold up.

And of course there's the usual round of "I've bought 2 items, give me a discount!". No.... 2 items is not a trade / bulk / wholesale / discountable amount.

And relax.....

Lazy blogging time. I bring to you:
Desireless - voyage voyage.



The astute will have noticed that this is in fact in French. It made #5 here in the UK. Bizarrely the same year Vanessa Paradis also did well with "Joe le taxi". French pop songs where in, for five whole minutes.

At the time I was in skool. And le teacher had the bright idea of livening up yet another dull french class by having us all attempt to write our own french pop songs. It was awful. I can't remember much else, as my brain has blocked it out for my own protection. There's a big sign that says "Awful. Ask not!"

I got a grade C in French GCSE. Technically this classes as a win, and not a thicky gimp. I got a grade D in English, which is full of fail.

Shame I can't remember much about the rules of either language now. And the Spanish I did for 2 years has faded even more.
Not that it would have done much good, as all it prepared you for was the ability to get a return train ticket to La Rochelle, purchase a croque monsieur, shout ZUT! if you burned your fingers and then bugger off home.

Haircut 100

As peeps may have worked out, I tend to write my nonsense the day after it's happened. It's nice to sit down with a cup of tea after midnight when it's quiet, the day's work is done and it's 'me' time.

Today's big excitement was, as peeps on faceache may have spotted, I got my hair cut shorter. A bit like this:



I be repeating it here for those friend(s) of mine who call round my blog every six months to find out if I'm dead yet, and if so what they've inherited. (Hi Rob!)

Plz to note said photo was taken using my mobile, with a (genuine) blind woman at the controls. I'm not really as wide as a house.

So why after 15+ years of being stuck in the 80's a change?

1) Tired of it. Getting caught in machinery, trapped under vehicles etc gets boring fast.
2) Instant weight loss with no dieting.
3) New look, new me. I can go out in the big bad world and be instantly successful and stuff. Ok, maybe not.

Plus, tis still quite long and I can grow it back in no time at all if I feel like it. It's only about 5 inches shorter.

Of course it didn't all go smooth sailing. I go to the sweede cut place, and the lady says what do you want doing today?
So I told her, and we agreed on how much and all was well. Except then the Ma steam rollers in and starts telling her what I want as if I'm a total retard who can't act for myself. Ok, this be true sometimes, but today I had it under control.... Engaging embarrassment in 3..2...1 .... Houston, we have embarrassment, lock n load!

Snippity snippity, paid my £3 and left.

Bonus challenge! Can you name any haircut 100 song without googling?
All I can think of is "love plus one".

My head hurts and I'm really tired

It's been a fun day for once!

Decided to venture out of the house & went 100 miles south to the uk pinball party.

Not a lot of party actually happened due to not actually talking to anyone, but who needs people anyways? I did get to play a lot of pinball, and also the "I wish I had more space so I could own more machines" wishing game. (I have two already, and they soon fill a room).

Then I got to drive 100 miles back north, complete with banging headache. 100 or so machines + people = lots of noise = argh!

Despite the pain and none interaction, I'm going to consider this one a success. I did ask several people who I know like these things if they wanted to go, and they where all too busy leading normal lives. Up until this morning I wasn't going to go, as turning back to the dark side of "can't do it" and "hide in my own little world".

But then I thought a) I want to go! and b) my "friends" will only mock that I didn't go. (teh mentals, oh so funny eh?)

So yay me! Paracetamol plz.

Sinister

Today is Friday the 13th.

It's also International Left Hander's day. Clicky
Nice planning there guys!

It prolly comes as no surprise that I'm flid handed. Engage the lefty power slogans of "being in your right mind", and claims of increases artistic & creative abilities over normal people. It's a load of honk! Or, they must have run out of those by the time I got to the front of the queue.

Still, there has been some fun bits. The year in primary skool with the old bag teacher who prefers old fashioned methods of teaching. (Hit the child if they attempt to use the left hand).
Or the junior school that decided biros are the devil's tool, what with being French and all. So you must use real ink pens.... not much of a shock that I don't write at all well is it?

On the bright side I will probably die younger because of it. Death by some right handed large piece of machinery I suspect. Yes, you can get flid handed scissors etc, but after a life time of using right handed stuff badly, they don't actually help. I can use right handed scissors better than left handed ones.

I am very logical, can visualise how things work which is prolly why I'm better with machines than people. Not sure this is a lefty trait though, I'd guess it's more a borderline autistic thing. Not that I's been tested for autism, well, not that I can remember. I'm also good with maths but crap with words. Again, prolly 'cos maths follows rules and logic, and words don't.

Er, not sure where this is going now. Best stop. Yes. Woo! to other flids out there!

Tubetastic Thursday: All by myself

Thursday. Yes it is.

I bring to you:
Eric Carmen - All by myself



Please note this is not (for a change) me being whiny boo hoo I'm all alone in the big evil world. The radio played the first 10 seconds of this earlier and then went to the news. So I just had to look it up. I reserve the right to be whiny later, but currently am planning on retreating into my own little world where real life is not required.

Observations.

This is 1976. And yet another industrial accident in the glue factory. Eric was kind enough to do a benefit gig for all the poor workers with their feet glued to the floor. I feel extra sorry for the poor immobile girl glued to the stage behind him.

Top of the pops hired at great expense an invisible drummer for this performance.

Bits of this are of course stolen from a classical piece. Cleverer ones than myself won't have to look on wikipedia to name which one. Messr. Bowie also nicked bits from the same piece.

Eric Carmen was guilty of "hungry eyes" in the 80's. Which of course was massive because of the chick flick "dirty dancing".

Youtube is still cross promoting the "plenty of fish" dating site on every video I watch. I wish they'd go back to trying to sell me sand and cement like last week.

Does what it says on the tin

As the old ronseal slogan used to go. But I'm not talking varnish here.

I'm talking toothbrushes. Mine has lost it's shaking skills due to the battery failing so it only holds charge for a day. Of course in the modern world we live in the battery isn't replaceable. As this is something that is held in close proximity to my face I'm not going to attempt to bodge it just in case it happens to blow up. Not that explosions are common with my work. (Cough).

So. New one required. Ma-ma has an all singing all dancing one. Why don't I get one of those?

So onto the interweb. Hers now isn't all singing any more. Their crack team of rocket surgeons have created an even more powerful dead brilliant device, the oral-b triumph 5000! A very close second to the clean that only the dentist can produce, available for you to enjoy at home.

Throwing caution to the wind, I bought one. And I can confirm it is very much like a visit to the dentist.

To whit:

• It cost £90 on special offer. RRP £150. Genuine dentist blow to the wallet.

• Just like a visit to the dentist, my gums are bleeding. This will "probably" stop in a few days the manual advises.

• Uber giant oscillating head is great for catching other teeth with and giving that bone jarring sensation of fear.

• Genuine dentist style patronising smart guide system! Using RFID technology a separate display unit tells you when you're doing it wrong, and issues a smiley face when you get it right, and your two minutes of recommended bleeding are over.

• Bewildering array of accessory brushes.

I'm told I will get used to it. I'm not so convinced. It could be good for cleaning alloy wheels though.

Encounter in aisle 23.

Today I took the Ma shopping at tescos. Aisle 23: breakfast cereal. We want porridge, at the other end.

Halfway down there is a woman. Who keeps getting in my way whilst looking at a box of fruit n fibre. After several attempts to get around her I stop in the hope she will go away. She then deposits her box of cereal in my trolley.

"Er, wrong trolley" was all I could say. Methinks she was too engrossed in reading the nutritional values to look what she was doing.

The odd thing is I'm more embarrassed than she was. I don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of this human interaction thing.

I am so tired

It's 3am, and although I should go to bed, I'm not doing.
Downsides of this include:

Metallic taste in mouth.

Reading ebay descriptions, but the voice in my head is saying them with a welsh accent. A bit like that woman off hi-de-hi.

Evans loses one million listeners

Clicky: Evans loses one million listeners

Did you check behind the fridge?

(Sorry. Just a sudden attack of schadenfreude at the failure of the annoying tosser.)

Tubetastic Thursday: I got 5 on it

I'm in pain because of a 'charity' bloodsucker.

Time: 7 am
Place: bed
Action: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Suddenly there's a huge clang as someone slams the house gate violently. I awake with a huge start, and jar my shoulder. Who's slamming the hell out of my gate? Why?

Investigation reveals it's some idiot delivering yet another "please give us clothes for the starving millions" bag scams. We get a gajilion of these posted every week.

The scam is they're made to look like it's for charity, but if you read the small text you will notice there isn't a registered charity number at all. This is because these scumbags pretend to be charity, you give them clothes which they then sell for vast profits for themselves.

So now I have a painful shoulder. Boo.

Onto Tubetastic Thursday. I bring to you:
Luniz- I got 5 on it.



Normally I'm not very much into rap type stuff. But this is good. It's refreshing to not have every other word be about bitches, guns or the F word. Ok, it's drugs to the max, but you can't have everything.

Woo!

The new drill spring arrived, and with a bit of fettling it fits and works! Yay, I can make holes again!

Slightly less pleasant, had to go to Idiot Girl's and fit more ram to her pc. Just looking at this keyboard makes me feel dirty. The bad kind of dirty. Filthy child!




Whatever you do, don't view large unless you've had a recent tetanus shot.

Lucky me

Maybe.

On Saturday a spring went boing! in my drill and broke. Sadly I need my drill a lot as my 'job' involves making lots of holes every day.

So I searched on the interweb, and discovered the people who made it have the attitude of if there things break you should throw them away and buy a new one. No spare parts.

This is not a philosophy I believe in. It's important to repair things until they can be repaired no more, as there is only a finite amount of raw materials that shouldn't be wasted. I'm tight too.

So I've been to the shops and found a similar machine made by someone else that has a similar looking part fitted. Phoned their helpline and they can supply for £10 delivered. So hopefully tomorrow will be my lucky day, and £10 of parts saves £200 of new machine.