Your horrorscope for today

By guest arsetrologer R. Grunt.







Pick your sign below, and find out what my magic balls say is in store for you.


Scorpio:
You should shortly find coming thru your door a Duck? Truck? Hockey puck?

FFS! Hang on a minute love, my ball's gone all fuzzy, bastards making me go digital, it used to work fine before, why mess with it, I never watched channel 5 anyways. Where was I? Oh yes, D, T & H.

If it turns out to be a duck, you may think that despite all the f*ck ups he makes, you'll miss him when he's dead and gone. Or you may think not again, next time send the money. Or you may think that's very nice, I'll send him a photo of my bottom. You could even tell him what you think, but that would put me out of a job guessing, er predicting things.
If it's a truck I'd think about having a nice cup of tea after you call the driver a silly chuff.
Anything else, well you're on your own, unless you can call ghost busters.

Aquarius:
People like you for who you are, not for what you can give them.

Off the record, having checked your file nobody has ever liked you for any reason at all. I'd give up now if I was you.

Other signs that I can't remember right now:
The moon is in uranus. I'd take an umbrella if I was you.