Concrete

I want some.

Or more precisely I want to extend my garage, and fix a few other things that need immovable rock like fixing methods.

So I've bought from evilbay* one second hand concrete mixer machine. This could be seen as a lazy approach.
It could also be totally and utterly bloody stupid as a) I haven't a clue how it works (other than it goes round) and there's no manual and b) I don't know what the recipe is for concrete. Water. Cement. Sand. Few rocks. Dash of herbs to taste?

Methinks a trip to the DIY shoppe is in the near future. The one with the DIY for idiots leaflets. I can pretend to be getting them for somebody else.

*evilbay:
What ebay should really be called. Extra amusement points are gained when getting other people to say it. Being a 'tard I find it difficult to phone people I don't know. So the Ma gets the job. Ma, phone these people plz, I've bought a flux capacitor off evilbay.... Record was the time she said evilbay on the phone 3 times, and then again when we went to collect. The man had the "get these insane people off my property" look in his eyes.

Take the L

Frankly, it's not good news at chez C'riz.

Got an email from the seller of my rather expensive lathe. It is, he claims, unfixable. So I can have my money back, or wait five weeks while the slow boat from China brings more of them that hopefully do work.

This is not good, as if I take the cash I've still spent about £250 on other things for it that would then be useless. But if I wait I could get another lemon. It's a hard choice, but I've gone for wait. Better the devil I know and all that.

Sadness is felt, as a certain Miss. M continues to confuse and confound me. If I had half a brain I would move on and do something else and forget she ever existed. Oh look, flying porcines.

I have also bought a large quantity of plastic ducks. Which I know will sell over time, and was at 25% off normal price. Still feels rather scary spending £500 on toys though.

Enough about my boring life. You're (maybe) here for tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
The motels - Take the L




It's true you know, take the L out of Lover and you do indeed get Over. Maybe they could have had a verse that goes "Add a C and it's clover"? Can you think of any more?

Youtard must also be psychic as well, as miserable alone me gets the in video advert that says "Have you signed up for plenty of fish yet?" No. I don't do dating sites thankyuovurrymuchC'rizhasleftthebuilding.

Lily Allen C*ck Punch

Lily Allen needs a punch in the cock. Ok, so maybe she hasn't got a penis like ladyboy gaga allegedly has, but if she has, she needs a punch there.

Now you may be wondering, C'riz, why the hate on poor Lily?

Well, actually up to now I've not cared much about her. She has "clever" lyrics, and sings in a whiny way. Which is fine if you like that sort of thing. To me all her songs blend into one indistinguishable whine. "Riding through the city on my whine when I see you cry it's not fair and I think you're really whine." Like that.

I'm annoyed about her 'featuring' on the latest KILLING TO DEATH of 'just be good to me'. Without her or some other 'name' to stick on it, it probably wouldn't have happened, or at least would not do as well.

I hate remakes like this. The formula is of course simple. Take a good song. Have someone mumble rubbish / rap / hip hop / sounds a bit like like eminem over the top of it, add a bit of masked swearing, dash of the hook from the original, and voila! Another song ruined.

Moaning ends.

Wind of change

Well, that was a fun week. Lie mode cancel...

Last week I went and brought home my rather expensive new toy. I would have blogged about it, apart from one problem, namely it's bloody useless. The more I played with it, the more problems became obvious.

So tomorrow the man who sold it me is coming to take it away again, and allegedly fix everything that is wrong with it. I'm not holding out much hope. He is of the type when it comes to pooters he's looking for the any key. I on the other hand, happen to have a very logical mind, and a degree in pooters & engineering jiggery pokery. I don't know exactly what's wrong with it, but I do know it isn't what he thinks it is.

Quite what happens next I'm not sure. I suspect he'll randomly swap bits and then tell me it's fixed even if it isn't. I think most normal people would be getting annoyed, but I don't do that sort of thing. Depressed, yes, shouty angry, no.

Anyways, I wanted to share an earworm with you. I was driving to asda, and this came on the radio. I've not heard it for ages, and spent most of the time in asda signing (badly) to myself. As it was late night, and there is only the shelf stacking people and a few customers I'm sure I was even more obviously a loon than normal. But c'est la vie.

I bring to you:
Scorpions - wind of change



Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change

If your tingly bits aren't tingling by now, then you're dead. Or never bought an 80's soft rock album.

Tales of the blatently obvious

As a child my dear father would never allow me to watch "tales of the unexpected" beyond the title bit. I think it was because he was afraid I'd suss it and make him look a (bigger) plank for not getting it even when it was explained in great detail to him.

The only one I can remember seeing was the first one, the bet your finger against my car that your lighter will light 10 times in a row one. Where the OMG shock was it wasn't his car, it belonged to his missus, who, Argh! was missing fingers! I wonder how that happened eh?

But the title theme was awesome, and I bring it to you now:



Woo! Wasn't that naked-lady-silhouette-tastic?

The theme was written by one Ron Grainer. Award yourself a small quantity of strawberries if you can think of another theme he wrote. Or a Big D hat if you can't.

Additional bonus related video thing:

Tubetastic Thursday - lost in the 50's tonight

To celebrate this spurt of blogging, I'm bringing back the youtube lazy crutch.

I bring to you:
Ronnie Milsap - Lost in the 50's tonight



Ok, so it's a stolen rework of the five satins - in the still of the night, but I still like it.

Dr Why?

Attention persons who a) watch doctor who, and b) haven't seen episode 11- the lodger.

I have advice for you:
Purchase a can of paint. Magnolia is always a good colour choice, neutral, goes well with anything. Paint something. Watch it dry. Just don't watch ep. 11 or you will regret it.

You may be asking, but why is it so awful? I'll tell ya...

Schwiiiing Amy Pond spends the entire episode doing nothing but practise her star trek wobbly camera thing in the tardis. They could have given her this episode off and saved a couple of quid. "cheerio then Amy, see you when you've done your shopping!" would have been a lot more believable.

There is a fat man as "guest star". I don't know who he is without looking at the credits, but it obvious he's supposed to be funny, and perhaps is on other stuff on tv. Fat blokes are always funny. Ha Ha.

The "problem that must be resolved" makes NO BLOODY SENSE AT ALL.

So the alien ship thing is killing peeps as it attempts to find someone suitable as a pilot. Ok, this is bad and should be stopped. BUT... if it does find a pilot it will take off, and destroy the universe in the process.... HUH??????

So you're telling me in some alien society they build a spacecraft, look at our new wonderful space craft! There's only the tiny flaw that every time it leaves somewhere that place gets totally destroyed, but it's only a minor flaw.... Best only build one to see how it goes... oops, we appear to have wiped ourselves out launching it...

And if you can accept that nonsense, how does it tie in to Amy (in the tardis), in a totally different place will get doomed into the vortex if said ship launches???

Trust me on the magnolia.

What's the damage?

I don't know, the damage report machine's been damaged.

While on my fruitless trip yesterday an annoying alert light kept coming on my dash. Flicker flicker flicker. Stays on a bit. Flicker.

So today I looked it up, just in case it means something important. It's telling me there is water in my diesel. This cannot be a good thing.

So I googled what to do next. And the answer is the light has two functions, not one. One function is indeed to tell you there is water in your fuel. The other function is to tell you that the water in fuel sensor has failed. Suggested course of action, drain the filter and see if there's any water there.

Naturally, I have no water. But do have a bit of a dilemma. I can 'fix it' by unplugging the sensor so the light stays off. But what if I ever really did get water, and didn't know about it? That could be bad... But so's £30 for a sensor that goes wrong like clockwork according to some sources.

So continues the love / hate car relationship.

On not getting new toys

Just in case you want to save some time: New toy, I have not got.

Longer story:
A few weeks back I went to the model engineering exhibition. And there is a man, selling cnc lathes. £2600 each says his sign. I want one. I want one bad. So I do my very best attempt at being human and ask him questions, which actually went quite well considering. Prolly 'cos once I get into geek zone, or engineer zone I forget I'm scared of humanity, and feel confident to talk geek.

The man says, make an appointment, come to my workshop, try one out working and if you like it give me money and take it away. For the win!

So today I went to his workshop. Saw it working. Yes, I would like one of your machines, here be my credit card, my car is outside, plz to load it up.

"Oh, I can't do that!" he says. Er, why not?

Apparently I have to bring the pc I want to make it work to him first, and he has to prove it works with my pc before I'm allowed to take one away. Otherwise I will get home and plug it into my pc and it won't work and I will be too stupid to work out why and will phone him up and it will be awful.

Of course as I'm terrified of phones I wouldn't be phoning him under any circumstances. And getting things to work that don't is all part of the fun surely?

But no. He won't sell to me today. So no new toy. It's also annoying that I've lost a day that I should have been working, and £40 worth of diesel, and I get to do it again next week.

*cough*

Well, that worked brilliantly. Not. Blogging by mobile when you have a) a rubbish mobile and b) are on an island that has naff all signal, not the best of plans.

So I'm back. There is a huge amount of (boring, physical day job) work to do before I can even begin to think about fun things like going thru my photos.

Did I have fun? Yes... and no. Parts where great, but my twisted mind won't allow me to enjoy things, and so the bad bits are magnified.

There's also the sad bit of confirmation of what I really knew all along, but wouldn't allow myself to believe was true. I feel hurt, but more sad that it is so. I suppose it shows that I only believe the best in people. Or that I'm just a fool for a pretty face.

Isn't technology brilliant?

No. No it isn't.

On Friday I'm off on a quest. I may have mentioned it before (cough) to visit the land of the Misty, & steal her away to exciting places full of fun.

I then thought, I could do a Psuedonymph and blog as I go. True, not as exciting a trip, but well, I don't do excitement.

Snag #1 is I don't have a Jesus phone. I'm lucky my rather olde LG manages to make voice calls actually. The interweb browsing on it is a bit pants to say the least. But fear not! You can email your posts to blogger, and it will do magic things and your post will appear!

Which leads to snag #2: The emails a bit rubbish on it too. But I can run movamail to get round that, yay! Except it doesn't publish the attached photos like it should... Well, more like attach a photo and it does nuffin.

But you can't keep a geek down, and I have a work around for it. Movamail > flickr, and flickr will then automagically give blogger a kick up the bum and post the pic for me.

Well, it may all work. I may even be having too much fun to do it all....

I'm very tired now, but I feel I must also share something with you... this:


Not sure exactly why I love this, but it is brilliant to N decimal places. Yes it is. YES!

Test

Test test
--
Sent from my Mobile phone via http://www.movamail.com.
Get your Mobile IM (MSN/Yahoo/AIM/ICQ/GTalk/QQ/More) at http://www.movamessenger.com.

Runaway Train

That's time, that is. Starts out slow and safe, and then hurtles you to your doom.

I will explain.

~Wavy lines back to 16th February~
I suggest to the duck obsessed one that perhaps it would be fun for all to meet up and go do something. Teh Misty likes this idea. Time at this point is in treacle mode, as there be a clash between my obsessive need to plan everything, and Misty's desire to sort it out sometime.

But we worked it out to everyone's satisfaction, and all I have to do is wait. Time continues to stagnate. The days crawl on, but it still feels like years away.

Until today. Now some git has engaged the warp drive, and it's all getting very scary very fast. I don't have enough time. Two weeks left, and I've got to get my car repaired & MOT'd. I need to see a man about some rather expensive machinery I want to buy. The day job is backing up with fools who don't know what they want, but buy it anyway as they can make it my problem to sort out. I also need to plan how I'm going to shut down the job and dare to take time off.

I'm sure it will all work out fine, but in the mean time it would be fair to say I'm not actually enjoying it that much. Still, if at the end Misty tells me she's had a nice time (and isn't lying out of politeness) it will have been worth it.

You're still here? Have an earworm then:

Liar Liar

pants on fire!

Someone once told me, liars should have good memories. There is another rule that Idiot Girl doesn't appear to have grasped either, "Make it remotely believable".

All the times skiving off skool, you'd think she would have learned "abducted by aliens" isn't a very good reason.

Onto the lie of the day..... observe this:



This is what happens when your neighbourhood has the worlds most stupid car thieves. The ones that try to steal a car that doesn't work and hasn't moved for 5 years or so. Durrr.. it doesn't work.... lets set it on fire!

The observant of you will have spotted there be garages behind it.




This is one of the garages. It is owned by idiot girl. It now sports a classy two tone paint job by yours truly, as the heat from the fire has made the paint fall off, and no paint = rust.

I would now like you to brace yourself for the lie. Ready?

"Someone set fire to that car and my garage is totally destroyed! There's nothing left, even the walls fell down!"

Can you perhaps spot the slight flaw in the above lie?

Wow Idiot Girl! How awful for you.... and how lucky are you that the insurance company has in the space of half an hour built an exact replica of your original garage!

Oh!..... but....... I'm going to claim on the insurance for a new garage anyway. It's almost destroyed. A bit...... And it's..... smoky.

Idiot Girl.... do not believe...

Almost suckered

So I went to that there asda in search of bargains bargains much cheapness.



Oh! Flavoured milk, 2 for £2 it says in big letters. This has to be for the win I thinks. Milk, supposed to be good for you, and banana (flavour) surely counts as one of 5 fruits a day, and it's cheaper too!

Sound fx: Needle being dragged across a 45.

Hang on a minute.... 1 bottle costs £1. So while two for £2 is legally accurate, it's not much of an offer...

I still bought one bottle, and wondered off humming "Won't get fooled again". That's the limit of excitement round these parts.

Tubetastic Thursday: London Calling

Well now I've done it. The post today brings me a shiny train ticket. Which says in big letters "not refundable", so looks like I'm going to have to go through with my plans.

I'm scared, and excited. But mostly scared.
To normal people it's probably quite simple.

Train to that there Londinium.
Tube to teh Misty house. Hello Misty, how are you today?
Fun, fun, fun! Sun sun sun.

To me it's all very terrifying. But I must do it if I am to beat the mental gremlins. I want to, but it's coming closer to the cliff edge than is perhaps safe.

To add to the terror, there is an element of fancy dress. I was mentally scarred as a child when the parents decided to enter me in some sort of competition, dressed as a post box. A post box made out of red paper that turned me red when it rained. I've not done fancy dress since, so this could get interesting.

Still, nearly two months left to get my sh*t together.

Anyways, as I be going to Londinium, I bring to you:
The clash - London calling


This is, of course, from before my time, as I'm only a young 'un. But I can still recognise a classic when I hear it.

Seduced

by the idiot box. I haz been.

I normally don't watch tv, who cares about the lives of imaginary persons? But this easter, well, it's been a orgy of cathode rays.

Firsty: Ashes to ashes. Not sure I'm too convinced by the "I was in a coma, in my coma" explanation of why she's back in 1983.

2: CSI (illegal download version). Ok, so I actually watch this all the time, but been a while while waiting for them to get round to making new episodes. Mildly annoying / doesn't ring true this week though.
Archie falls over a body, and 10 mins later is back doing the job in the lab. Er, he's the one that does enhance 34-46 on blurry photos and not the oh look, big hole in head part of the job. You'd think he'd be a soupcon shook up.
Then Catherine is doing stakeout, and deactivating a drug lab. Afterwards says "ok, send for hazmat to clean up", but surely they would also be doing the deactivating thing? Methinks a contrivance for her to get lucky with the smooth bloke.

3: Dr who returns... New bloke... Woo?

Well, the first fail is the bastards have messed with the theme tune again. For the love of Pete, why?

New doctor bloke.... Ma no like. I think he shows promise, in a Tom Baker crazed loon more teeth than brain cells sort of way...



Assistant.... Amy Pond... Schwiiing! It appears someone at the bbc is now in charge who isn't gay, and thus has remembered the classic rule get some eye candy in for the dads. Though for me an assistant needs to be pretty, and also capable of a good scream. But that could just be due to first who I can remember being genesis of the daleks with Sarah Jane Schwiiiing Smith.

On Bargains

So we went to that there asda tonight at 9:30pm. It's an entertaining time to go shopping as a) you can park, b) there's nobody there and c) there's the exciting uncertainty of being unable to get to the shelves you want for all the pallets of stuff.

There be also the bargain factor. Where asda realises they have a pallet of something with a sell by date that expires in 2 1/2 hours time. Result: it's all 1p!

Today's fuc up er, error was fresh pineapples. Trays and trays of pineapples. Nothing wrong with them, just a date saying that this fruit that has gone half way round the bloody planet must be sold or destroyed by midnight. We bought three.

I just hope it doesn't turn out as bad as the other day. That was ready to use vegetables for idle bastards, er, busy professionals. Again, perfectly fresh, 1p, and it would be a crime to waste them. It also ties in with my cunning plan of "5 a day" vegetable based meal torture in the hope of losing weight**

Trouble is, when you get to day four of leek, potato and sweede based culinary delight, well, it starts to feel a bit like xmas but without wallace and gromit reruns.

** It's very boring, but does work. I don't know how much weight I've lost, but can confirm it works as my belt has moved 4 notches in the smaller direction.

The good samaritan

or overcoming my personal demons, part 1.

Tis 11pm, and I went to the shopping hell that is tesco. Technically it's less hellish at that time because there's hardly anyone shopping, but they compensate by having an army replenishing the shelves, and if you're paranoid like me they're all a) watching you, and b) trying to block you into a maze with trolleys so you remain trapped.

So I came out, walked to my car and there's a man (just about) pushing a bright red BMW about. I looked at him, and a couple of alternate thoughts went thru my head. A) Is he trying to steal it? or B) is it broken and he needs help?

So I looked at him, and he looked at me. Nobody said anything. So I got in my car and drove away, watching him in my rear view mirror. To see that he's trying to bump start the thing, which is not going to work as the car park undulates so nowhere is downhill.

My demons are telling me, drive away, it's nothing to do with you. I slowed to a stop. Bugger the demons. Drove back and said "you need a hand mate?"

Indeed he does... Apparently his bmw refuses to start when the engine is hot, but will go if you push it, and can I help him push it?

This is where my relief he's not an axe murderer overcomes my common sense... sure mate.... So we push this rather heavy bmw around the car park for 3 goes at starting it, and nothing happens as we can't get enough speed, other than I'm dying like a 40 a day smoker. (Er I'm not).

The brain then kicks in... I have my discovery. My discovery has a tow rope. Heavy bmw's are not actually that heavy when you pull them about with a big 4x4.

Success! His car is started, and I don't rip the bumper off in the process. I am teh good samaritan! More importantly, C'riz 1, demons 0.

Tubetastic Thursday: Common people

It's Thursday. I'm feeling both nostalgic, and insane.

So I bring to you:
The Shat - common people



Nostalgic 'cos back when I was somebody at uni this was the sound. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing pulp's different class cd. Jarvis is also of course to blame for dancing like I was on fire, and on being told you look a total gimp the excuse is I was doing the Jarvis.

Insane, well obviously cos this is the Shatner cover version. I've got to give 10 bonus points to whoever made the video for turning it into a slashup. Lock up your daughters, it's pon farr time...