APILB

Angry person in local blog.... that's me that is.

A lot of said anger is of course caused by Idiot Girl.

She had the plates removed from her foot, and contrary to what she thought is not taking a staring role opposite Michael Flatley in lard of the dance.
I'd be inhuman if I didn't feel a soupcon sorry for the idiot, except she's extracting the urine.

OMG! I'm in so much pain I can't do anything! I need someone to come and change channels on TV for the pain is so unbearable that I cannot use the remote control...

This may be true... Except every weekend when twonko #2 arrives said pain suddenly gets better, and it's rite keg to the max. Strangely there's a remission as soon as the lardy lump sods off home.

Ma Ma is also winding me up with the ebay gig. I sell dice. 20 of them says the advert... But I send the lucky buyer 21, on the baker's dozen system of doing things. I can't be bothered to check every single die for problems, so 1 more = 5%, and it's unlikely they're made >5% defective.

The wind up is every freeking time I sell 40 she asks do they get 2 extra then? Yes, yes they do. She then proceeds to weigh them to 'be sure'. Ma, one extra die isn't going to weigh 100 grams more. It will weigh exactly the same as the last lot. stop it plz!!!

Friends are also annoying.

Eddie Shovelhands for reasons unknown wants to purchase a laptop for his 8 year old child. Which should he buy? Er, any of them... they're all the same these days... just don't buy the cheapest. Simples! Er, no.
I've had about 4.9 billion phone calls that go "Are X any good?". Repeat until you can't take it any more. Methinks he should be more worried about small child breaking it than the maker.

I've also been promised by a bloke who can that he will come and build me a wall. No problem mate, only take an hour. Cancelled on me 3 times so far. I need the wall as the next step in world domination, so looks like the world will be safe for some time yet.

Someone else who is angry: Mr Anderson


Methinks he's angry 'cos Shazza's had all the snags off the barbie and there's only XXXX left to drink.

Everybody hurts

So REM finally gives up.

I remember once waking up in front of the tv at 3am with one of those late night phone in shows on. The topic was 'songs for funerals'. Someone suggested 'everybody hurts'...

'Not as much as the guy in the faaackin box!' said an anonymous caller.
Don't know why, but that's always stayed in the back of my mind as true wisdom.

Lazy blog:

Testing times

So I went to the hospital today to see the neurology people.

Hello, I'm Dr. Khan. This here is a student.... he's going to pretend he knows what he's doing, then I'll come in and sort the mess out in a bit.

~Dr. Khan exits~

So..... why are you here today?

Well Mummy and Daddy said they loved each other very much.... Oh, you mean 'plz describe what's wrong with you'?

Well, nothing.... this may have something to do with it being 4 months since I was urgently referred to this department..... Sorry, I got better (I think) .... but feel free to have a guess what was wrong in the first place.

Man then runs me thru lots of silly tests... including does it hurt when I stab you with this lancet? How about here? OW. stop it plz!

~Student exits, Dr. Khan returns~
I'll just do a few tests...... ~stabby etc~

OW! Plz to stop testing, my response to sharp objects has not changed in the last 90 seconds.

Dr. Khan's conclusion is:
a) I don't like sharp objects.
b) I appear mostly better with only a few symptoms vaguely detectable.
c) Will send me for an MRI scan as it's possible there will be some evidence of damage which would give him more of a clue what had gone wrong than sticking me with lancets does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's idiot girl's turn tomorrow when she goes for her stitches removing. I think she's being rather optimistic.... She can't walk very far now, but plans to walk 2 miles back from the hospital once the stitches are removed.

Methinks I will get a phone call to collect her, location 25 yards from the hospital.

Stay

Lazy blog time:



I've wondered what the gaff is with this song for a while. Like it starts out all slow, and then someone puts 50p in the meter, and it suddenly rocks out...

Slight snag being the video makes bugger all sense either. Would anyone care to interpret what's going on?

Tell me why?

Monday, 9pm. A message: ask seller a question.

The woman wants 20 dice (the plastic cubes with numbers that I've recently started selling), but must have them by Thursday and is willing to pay for special delivery.

Why can't people plan ahead? Shirley you don't start looking so late in the game.

More importantly, why do I feel bad that it's costing twice the dice value to send them? It's not like I'm getting the 'special' money.

Lazy blog... I find this quite brilliant...

Multiple fail

There are several types of fail. Most where observed this weekend.

Idiot girl demonstrated "I told you so I told you, but you would pay no heed", by going to her 'rite keg' and having a truly awful time. She was in agony after standing for more than 30 seconds. Will she do it differently next time? Somehow I doubt it.

As I was on the 'no keg' list 'cos we are IG's designated dog dumping zone, I decided to make use of the time by calling in some favours and getting my new concrete floor made. So I phoned Eddie Shovelhands (who's actually called Rick, but does have large hands).

Eddie assures me he knows how to use a cement mixer. Eddie is lying! Fail #2, believing people when you can see it's wrong.....
He says of course you can get 3 bags of ballast & 1 bag of cement in the cement mixer... and you could.... until you add the water and turn it on. At this point it proceeds to throw cement violently everywhere. We are both covered in cement, as is my car and garage. He then concedes I may have been right and we should have used the buckets to measure a smaller amount.

Eventually the floor is laid, and concrete removed from most surfaces where it's not supposed to be.

I watch doctor who on tv, which is not exactly sparkling. I then watch last night of the proms, which is also moderately poor until the last bit with the standard British conquer the planet stuff..

Sunday rolls round, and Idiot girl announces she's cutting the keg short due to having a shite time. Marvellous.... So I can have keg now, as long as I make it quick. So we go to Bolton. For the mill engine museum.

Except when we get there Idiot girl phones to say she's put the foot in the shower, despite instructions of don't get the dressing wet, and now oddly it's wet. Shower, water, wet, who would have thought it?
So we spend an hour driving around attempting to find a chemist. We find several closed ones and no open ones. We then realise the answer is tell Idiot Girl to tell twonko #2 to get off his big fat arse, go to the chemist in our town that is open and buy appropriate supplies. Why we didn't think of this an hour earlier I don't know.

We go back to the museum. Lots of steam and a few hundred tonnes of machinery moving slowly. Heaven!

Ma Ma, would you like some coffee? Yes. She then DOES IT AGAIN! Asks the person for a "weak coffee". followed 5 minutes later by declaring this coffee tastes horrible!
That would be because you have coloured water, and not coffee. She then pours hers into my cup, so I now have ruined coffee also. Why she keeps doing this I have no idea... but I'm going to drink only tea from this point on.

Of course Ma Ma is only concerned about little miss stupid, so shortly afterwards my day out is cut very short and it's back home again.

*******************

It has come to my attention that this Friday, Wheatus, of 'teenage dirtbag' (baby) fame are playing my one horse town. Should I go? It could be fun? Only slight snag I can see is that's their only song that I'm familiar with.... did they do anything else? Does it matter?

Prolly won't go I suspect.... (fear fail!)

There can be only one!

No, not highlander. There can be only one person allowed to have fun, and to cut a long story short it's idiot girl.

She came out of hospital on Wednesday. Twonko #2 appears for his "riding lesson". Instead of telling him to fuc... er, go away, Idiot Girl and her newly operated on foot go to a damp field and dick around with horse.

So not much of a shock that today she feels awful, and is rather ill. Free clue Idiot Girl, most sensible people come out of hospital and take it easy...

She has also got the weekend kegged up to the max, which makes me rather annoyed. There is something I want to do, that I can only do on 3 days per year. But hey, I can stay home and look after the dog while she attempts to keg despite not being able to stand for more than 30 seconds.

Methinks I'd even go as far as saying she's a mega selfish stupid bint. I can't do my thing, just so she can go and fail at doing her thing, and then afterwards I'm supposed to feel sorry for poor little miss kegged too much and is now suffering.

Yes, I could leave the dog as Ma Ma's problem and go on my own, but that doesn't show much in the way of solidarity amongst the dumped on does it?

Plz to tell me your bestest joke to cheer me up?

True faith

Lazy blog Engage! Make it so number one!



I'm not sure if this is my favourite new order track. Obviously it's this or blue monday, but if blue monday which version? 88 prolly.

What doth you think?

She stood on the bridge at midnight

Her lips where all a quiver
She gave a cough
Her leg fell off
And floated down the river.

Ok, so that was my fantasy of what would happen. What really happened is Idiot Girl survived surgery, and continued to be Idiot Girl.

As expected we are kept totally in the dark. We don't know where in the hospital she is. She hasn't told us anything at all. There is no communication to say she back in the land of living. So we do detective work, and find she's on ward 28. To the batmobile!

Oh look it's idiot Girl:



This is 15 minutes into her ranting with every second word being the F bomb.

She's unhappy 'cos they're keeping her ass in overnight. They're unhappy 'cos they thought they where getting rid of her... until they found out she lives alone, and teh rules say no escape for you. Thus they have no bed planned for her. It's all their F'n fault says the charming Idiot Girl. They counter this by her records saying she's married to Twonko and lives with him.

I don't care who's fault it is. I just stare out the window while she continues to swear about the staff, her treatment, the colour of the walls, the theatre staff's command of English, the machine that goes bleep and everything else she can think of.
40 minutes later we leave. I can hear her swearing all the way to the lift as she phones Twonko #2.

On death

Not taxes.

By now most of the interweb connected world will have seen the google Freddie Mercury thing.

Maybe it's Elvis for my generation, I can remember where I was when I heard he'd died. (On a bus going to Salford, for a 'how to do really well in maths a level' conference type thing). I can't picture what he would have been like at 65.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More death!

Idiot Girl goes for surgery tomorrow. Before leaving her new beau (Must think of a name for him, twonko #2 doesn't really work) said that if she dies, can he have her dog?

I doubt she will.... Remember how she tried to remove her foot by the medium of horse? And how said foot is held together with lots of metal plates... well she gets pain in said foot, and so has convinced some idiot to remove said plates, and she won't have pain ever again....

Well that's what she thinks. I'm more of the opinion that chronic pain is a likely outcome of trying to remove your foot, and without the supporting metal work it's quite likely she'll go out on a keg, get drunk, fall over and smash said foot into a bajillion pieces. But I could be wrong. I'm not a doctor and haven't played one on tv.

Keg part deux

For those with short memories, in part 1 we did the train thing, and the overpriced photo shopped cable car / cave experience.

The next day comes, and again Ma Ma doth not know what she wants to do. So I take her to a castle. History. Education. English heritage and their kerchinging tills.

Sadly it full of bloody ankle biters, who are all armed with imitation weaponry. I offer to buy Ma Ma a crossbow but she declines. Instead she tries out a rather placid horse.



We go home and I do the work thing.

But wait! Tis a bank holiday, so lets go for three days of keg in a row! I've given up on asking Ma Ma where she wants to go. I decide this one is to be where I want to go, and if she doesn't like it, well she did have two chances to make her own choice that she didn't take.

We set off, following the sat nav. Turn left says the woman in the box. Left is a very narrow winding B road. This will be fun! We have a conversation about how many idiots follow the satellite instructions blindly. 5 seconds later we are almost killed to death by someone doing just that coming the opposite direction.
The road is slightly wider than 1 car wide. He has one of those giant double cab pickup things, towing a giant caravan. Add in it's a 60 mph limit so you must drive at 60, and I'm facing a lot of death coming the other direction. Fortunately impact is avoided.

We arrive! At the Anson Engine Museum. Not very many points on offer for guessing what they have here... Just in case you're stuck, see Ma Ma's famous pointing skills in action:



Tis a museum charting the history of the engine. Lots of gas engines. Crazy 'volunteers' who run around gathering crowds randomly..... come this way, Stuart's going to be starting the gardener diesel!

It doesn't take long before everywhere you look there's something going chug chug chug...

I'm rather enjoying myself. Ma Ma is tolerating it quite well especially after being bribed with cake. They have some seriously odd stuff, like the 4 stroke engine, that somehow manages to do 4 strokes in 1 turn of the flywheel. Clicky if you want to try and work it out.

Ma Ma buys me a present that I love and slightly hate at the same time. It's a mug for tea. With a capacity of 1 pint. So there's lots of tea goodness, but a) it's heavy to start and b) you do feel slightly ill after drinking it all or you can go slower but have to put up with the last bit being cold. Or fill it with some other beverage.

Keg ends.

We are of course lightweights in the keg department compared to the genius that is idiot girl. Her rescheduled elective surgery is on Tuesday. Saturday night she has booked a night away at a hotel, to see teh rocky horror picture show. This can't end badly can it?

Stupid contest

Yesterday was an unplanned stupid contest between Idiot Girl and myself.

My dumb move was the purchase of a petrol powered hedge trimmer.
No, I didn't start any fires or lose any body parts. What I forgot is said machines are powered by two stroke engines. One of the key properties of said engine type being they're not very 'clean'. Lots of unburned fuel, smoke, and carbon monoxide being produced.

Add in doing all the hedges in a four hour marathon, and I've been exposed to lots of nasty stuff for a long time. I grab a shower afterwards and feel 'fine'. For about an hour. Then I feel vaguely ill. For the rest of the night I cough like a chain smoker, and can smell exhaust fumes. I can only guess that the body has been absorbing all the toxins, and then decided to try and get them back out. Most unpleasant.

Today I'm ok, apart from pain caused by lugging said heavy machine.

Idiot Girl's stupid was to go to the cinema.
She doesn't believe in supporting local business, and goes to one of those soulless multiplex awful things in the next town. As each 'screen' is a shoebox,and Wednesday is 2 for 1 nite (If you have an orange phone, she hasn't) they sell out, so she books tickets on the interweb before going.

Stupid part 2, is she goes there on the motorway. If you put the two addresses into google maps you get two routes. Motorway: 12 miles, 24 minutes. Normal roads: 9 miles, 25 minutes. Personally, I always go normal roads as burning more fuel to save 1 minute doesn't appear attractive. She always goes on the motorway to anywhere 'cos it's got to be faster, innit?

The hand of fate moves in at this point, and causes a horrific 5 car pile up half a mile from Idiot Girl. We get a phone call... 'why has all the cars stopped moving?". She can use her phone to look at facebook 93 times an hour, but searching for highways agency is too hard.
I google it for her. There is a crash. Estimated time to reopening: five hours.

But she is lucky and it only takes 2 and a half hours. And she wasn't half a mile further on, and thus isn't trapped in wreckage.

She takes today off work because she is sooo tired after being stuck there. Er, but, if you'd got to the film, wouldn't you have got home round about the same time?

I think it was probably a draw.

Cruel Summer

No, I'm not dead. Just rather busy trying to catch up after playing 'rite keg' waaay too much. Three days of keg in a row even! A new record for us.

Day 1:
Ma Ma wants to do 'something', but doesn't want to actually say what. But wait! There's a strategically left leaflet for "the heights of Abraham". Could this be a clue? We will go there and see anyway.

We depart for Matlock. Whilst attempting to find somewhere to park I spot smoke appearing from behind an embankment. Smoke at regular intervals. Rather like what you get from say, a steam train. Investigation reveals... a railway. Quelle surprise!

So we go on said train. It travels at 2mph, as it turns out they have very little track, so go slowly to give the impression they have more. But it's nice. We get off said train at the other end. In their fund raising shed they have all sorts of old tat for sale. Ma Ma purchases 3 second hand 'euro disney' branded egg cups as a present for idiot girl. I rejoice, for I'm sure she will 'love' them.

We return on said train. Here is your humble narrator looking a twonk as usual:


Note the 'shermer high' t shirt, that the website I bought it from claims will instantly make you cool. Girls will want you. Men will want to be you.
Sadly, this hasn't happened to me yet. Nobody appears to have the slightest idea about Shermer, Illinois.

Shortly afterwards, Ma Ma drops the bag and smashes the egg cups, along with my hopes and dreams of watching Idiot Girl's reaction.

We then move onto aforementioned "heights of Abraham". I have the feeling this is likely to be an expensive waste of time.

I'm not wrong :(
Queue for yonks... then onto the cable car that goes over the valley:



This is over in about 1 minute, which is perhaps welcome as it is a long way down...

The leaflet pimps their 'cave tour'. We wait 30 mins to go on it. It rapidly becomes obvious that their leaflet has been photoshopped to the power of N.
Observe:


Pretty non? Pretty FAKE!
In reality the rocks are all 1 colour. (dirty brown). Said location on said tour has had lights added to funk it up. Even then the photo is fake, as the lights cycle thru colours, so someone has blended several photos to create the above.

It's really a chance to bang your head a lot while trudging up steps in a boring tunnel for 40 minutes whilst saying 'boy was I suckered'.

You then find out your options are a) buy something from the overpriced gift shop, or b) join the long queue of people waiting for the cable car to get the hell out of there. We chose b).

By now you're prolly losing the will to live, so more kegs later....

Lazy blog:
Bananarama - Cruel Summer


5 points if you can name the film used in without googling.