Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Dead wrong

Uncle 'everybody hates' is dead. We are now officially in the bizarro zone.

Weird #1:
Aunt big mouth (who isn't married to UEH) phoned everybody in, er JULY to say he was about to die any minute... now. A soupcon premature.... BUT... she is then aware that he's down to the final few hours for real this time.... SO decides to go shopping and not tell anyone.

Next day, by the time she gets around to it he's been deado for hours.

Weird #2:
Aunt airhead (the new widow) decides the best way forwards is to go for a full english breakfast with extra bacon at a town centre cafe. She is later observed not winning at bingo.

Evil #1:
Idiot girl thinks of everything possible to say to upset Ma Ma. Sadly it's against the rules to kill her to death and ask for a discount if monster Joe gets rid of two bodies.

Things to come:
Putting the 'fun' in 'funeral'.

Aunt airhead has booked a fry up job, with funeral transportation by horse drawn carriage. Your humble narrator suspects airhead thinks you can order anything you like for funerals, and the government will pay for it. This be wrong to N decimal places.

Aunt big mouth proclaims you can wear bright colours if you want. I can't wait to see the idiots who turn up looking like Colin Baker era doctor who.

I'm going to struggle with the service. It's a cert that it will be difficult not to shout "Bullshit!" a lot as the lies are read out.

Feel free to enter the 'music to close the curtains to" song sweepstakes:

Likely candidates are:
Wind beneath my wings.
Robin hood (riding thru the glen)
Fire starter.

And my own personal worst nightmare:
Aunts big mouth & airhead doing a karaoke duet of "I will always love you.....", as they both think they will be appearing on the next series of Britain's got talent, despite being rejected 7 times so far..

Full event report to come.... possibly including reports of my arrest for punching my mega annoying cousin, and then trying to blame it on grief....

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