Wager

Tis the royal welding, er wedding today. Besides the endless coverage, and everyone trying desperately to tie their product or service to it, there are also massively silly bets on offer. All the bookmakers are trying to come up with even more silly bets.

It starts out moderately sensible. Will it rain?

Then you get "what colour will the Queen's hat be"?

Then you get really silly:
Prince Philip to be seen asleep during the wedding service (10/1)

The Archbishop of Canterbury to say 'In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy GOAT' during the service (100/1)

Which couple will be seen at the Royal Wedding first on live BBC coverage? chas n dave (100/1)

William & Kate's baby to be a Vogue Cover model before 18 years old (33/1)

Meal at reception to be KFC or Burger King (100/1)

Honeymoon plane to be supplied by easyjet (200/1)

************
Sadly I am a gambling man. So I've placed a few modest bets.... This time tomorrow I could be slightly poorer unless.....

Kate wears a white dress (88p riding on this).
Queenie to wear an apricot hat (£1)
Queenie to wear a blue hat (£1, ma ma's choice)
Huw Edwards (tv presenter) to say "St Andrews" first (£1.17)

Results to follow....

***************
ADDITIONAL! 10:15am.
I'm winning so far....

Huw did say "st andrews" which nets £2.93
Victoria Beckscum is wearing blue, so that's another £8.00

Still waiting on Queenie, and putting up with the mindless tv coverage....

Last to know

No, I'm not going to lazy blog Britney Spears. (Engage the huge sighs of relief).

So I'm in the garage-o-doom as usual, and have the radio on. I haven't heard that one in AGES I think. Work continues. 1 hour later, they play it again. That's odd, thinks I.

Another hour, and it's on AGAIN. I'm obviously missing something here. They're dead? Best google it...
Turns out the televisual opium of the masses "Britain's (not) got talent" is back poisoning minds again. And one of the no hopers on said show covered said song. So the original is now racing back up the charts.

Engage the lazy blog:
Tracy Chapman - fast car


Ps... want to see it murdered?
Clicky!

Spice or niet?

I will in short order be asking for your valued opinion. I thank you in advance.

It's not been going well with the spice thing. I did the new member's night, which was teaching granny to suck eggs on how to use the interwebs. I then booked "secret tunnels of Manchester walk", "cycling in York" and "crazy golf + laser quest social night".

Manchester, I cancelled (Unexpected hospital appointment)
York, I cancelled. (I assumed you could get there by public transport before noon. WRONG!)
Golf, they cancelled. - Only 3 people wanted to go.

I'm now thinking about giving up Narrow boat day. Or chug chug chug up a canal.

Pros:
Cheap.
Forced to interact with small group (10) for full day.
Potential for pretty countryside.
Relaxing.

Cons:
9 am start. but it's 2 hours drive away. Or 2.5 hours on a train. So really 6am start.
Forced to interact.
Confidence is high for alcohol to be involved, and the 'joy' of explaining to people I don't need to drink to have fun. (For reasons unknown I always get in my head a bit of "we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no.", but that suggests cherry wine, so doesn't really help. Stupid brain).
High probability of being wrong class.

So, the question people on the other side of the planet where you prolly don't have canals, yes or no???

50% miracle

Or teh gods are cruel. The woman who survived being dunked in the freezing sea whilst having internal bleeding died.

So I'm switching my allegiance from teh God to teh easter bunny and his chocolate goodness.

Miracles

Two news items caught my eye today:

You'll have to try harder to kill me
&
Nice catch lady

Maybe there is a God. Discuss.

Love of my life

Sarah Jane dies yesterday. Pseudonymph talks of the big C. It's such a down note.

So I must lazy blog this:


I can remember where I was when I heard Freddie had died. I suppose it's a bit like the older generation and Elvis.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought of death much. In a way, I could quite accept being told you've got X time left, instead of mind that bus, what bus? splat!

You could make sure things where going to go the way you want them. No git slipping in 'wind beneath my wings' for the send off...
You could be rude to the funeral people... come on, give me a price, some of us haven't got all week you know....

Oh, and I want dead milkmen - land of the shakers at my send off. Anyone who doesn't turn up and join in is disinherited.

Saying goodbye

to Sarah Jane Smith aka Elisabeth Sladen.

Your scream will live on. Farewell.

Foreign dogs

Or casual racism, Idiot Girl style.

Technically, Idiot Girl owns a dog. I say technically because she only wants it for the 'fun' bits, and we can have it for the mundane things.
So we get the dog for breakfast, and early morning walk. It then goes home and sleeps for a few hours. We collect it again, and it gets several walks in the day, and is fed again before it goes home. Well, assuming IG isn't going out for a 'rite keg'. We then get to take said dog out for another walk before it goes sleepy and the cycle starts again.

So of course it's our job to buy the dog food. This costs money, which is not reimbursed. As you may know, dog food is basically mystery meat, so it doesn't really matter which you buy. Read any tin, eg beef, and it says 4% named ingredient, rest of contents random meat & vegetables.

You buy a tin of peas, and there's a picture of peas on the label. Ditto carrots.... And what's on the tin of dog food? Dogs... hmmmm. But I'm drifting off topic.

We found in the cheapo shoppe dog food. Spanish dog food. With Spanish labels (which have pictures of dogs on them). The contents is the same, but the price is half that of English language food. The dog likes it too.

Idiot girl goes ballistic when she finds out.
WE MUST NOT feed HER dog that FILTH!

Er, IG, it's dog food. Mystery meat, same as the rest of it.
NO! IT'S FORRINS! IT'S 100% HORSE! FORRINS ONLY EAT HORSE!

Google translate the label, and big shock, it's 4% beef, rest mystery meat. Same as the UK stuff. Idiot Girl doesn't believe this, and Ma Ma is stupid enough to take notice of her. So no more cheap evil forrins dog food.

Call me Ishmael

So I walked to the hospital on both my feet, and saw the orthoptist. Hello Ms. Orthoptist....

I'm then made to feel like a grade one fraud. She tests my eyes nine ways from Sunday, and pronounces that I don't have significant double vision problems. I be almost normal.

But, er, what about the wobbling when focusing on an object? There be very little evidence of that either. Definitely not the same as when I had my eye test.

Ok, what about when I'm looking at eg, a patch of gravel? It's all shimmery. Oh, that's a side effect of having prism in your prescription, didn't they warn you about it? er, no.

Wait a while to see the consultant. Hello Mr. consultant. He flicks thru my notes, and then tells me the tests I had done three years ago when all this eye stuff started was to check if I had multiple sclerosis. Excuse me! Er, no one told me that at the time.... er, did I pass?

He thinks whatever happened three years ago has in some way caused damage to my eye. I think he's also thinking this sudden jump in required prism is perhaps a re-occurrence, but he's not committing to saying it.
He makes reassuring noises that I don't have anything major to worry about, but come back in two months for more tests, or immediately if I feel something is going horrendously wrong.

Upshot is I feel slightly better, but also cautiously worried. What is said eyes really up to? Is Noah and his chum the whale going to release a single called blind C'riz you're all doooooomed?

blue valkyrie, your life force is running out

And I'm all out of 10p's (clicky if you haven't a clue what I'm on about as usual)

Remember my earlier fear caused by 2 x Noah and the whale song plays on 2 consecutive days? Well now I'm definitely sure. We went to tescos this morning, walked in the door and, yep, it's Noah. Oooh, creepy!

Went to the garage tonight, on with the radio, Noah again! Add in that it's taken from the album "last night on earth" and it's a definite message aimed directly at me. Of course, it could be the whale that's out to get me and not Noah at all...

Saturday 10:15 am I am to see the eye man at the hospital. Anyone want to bet I get sent for a test and it comes back brain tumour? If you want first dibs on anything, I'd be making a list now...

Dreamer

Sorry, more lazy blogging.

Ozzy Osbourne - Dreamer:


Hokay, Mr. Ozzy may not be the bestest singer in the history of the world, but I really like this one.

Is he sincere about wanting a better world? I'm not sure, but I'd like to believe it's something that could be achieved... I'm probably just a dreamer too...

Message on the radio

Two days in a row now I've gone into my workshop fired up the radio, and it's played:

Noah and the whale - l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.on


This could be a message. Life hasn't been great fun recently. I'm a sucker for spotting patterns that aren't really there and taking them as important.

It's a sort of ok song, but has a fatal flaw. The bit where he sings L I F E G O E S O N just doesn't work for me. I can't make the letters into words when I hear them. It's prolly not helped as I start hearing in my head F E E L I N G C A L L E D LOVE even though it's not remotely similar. Perhaps there's a battle going on in my mind between Noah and Jarvis, and Jarvis wins....

Assault at precinct 13

Or who the hell is making noises outside my house at 12:30am?

So I went to investigate. And found a man, mid 20's, white, drunk/drugged/crazy/foreign. Said man is in the process of tearing up our plants in an attempt to make a 'nest'.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I shouted in my best not scared at all of the obviously crazy man voice.

Sleep! he says.
No! Go away! says I.
Sleep!
Go!
Sleep! Cold!
Go! police!

This goes on for a short while. Said man then decides the answer to everything has to be violence. Fortunately he is drunk/drugged and I'm stone cold sober. It's obvious he is going to attack.

I should point out I am the pacifistic type, but when he made his move the fight or flight primative part of my brain chose fight. Not much option with a closed gate behind me. His swing missed wildly, so I grabbed him by the neck, pushed him over the small wall and rammed his head into the privet hedge. This was all on autopilot, and over in an instant.

I'm then back in control, with the thought of great! I'm holding a drunken foreigner by the neck in a hedge. Now what clever clogs? What if he has a knife and remembers in a minute?

So I shove him more in a hedge direction, and do a runner behind the gate before him and his potential knife can get back up. He then tries kicking the gate / falling over. FOF kicks in again, I open the recycling bin, grab an empty dog food tin and throw it in his general direction. By pure luck it connects with his head, and he decides it's time for flight. He staggers away cursing in whatever his native language is.

I wait until he is a dot on the horizon and isn't coming back. I come inside and go all wobbly.

Seriously, I know from reading the S. Duck chronicles the protocol for sick in a hedge, but what should I really have done for forrins nesting in my hedge? What do I tell Ma Ma tomorrow when she spots plant damage? Argh.....

Art

So I go to youtard to find something in my secret stash to lazy blog. but wait! it suggests I should watch this.. so I do... and then I share it with you:

PS.... in the unlikely event you're a visitor not from the land down under, you may find the language offensive.

Positive thinking

I'm still concerned that when I go see the eye person he will go hmmmm, yes in my learned opinion you're going blind, any minute.... now!

The worst thing to me is what would happen to my cars if I had to stop driving? (I have four... One of them is legal and works.) I like my cars, hence why I keep the broken ones. It would make me very sad to lose them.

Ma ma tells me I should stop being negative, and the nice man will spot some easily corrected thing the optician missed. I hate optimists and their la la thinking. Why should nice things happen?

But I'm taking note, and being positive.... by buying parts for my cars. Think I'll wait to find out who is right before fitting them though.

Smashy. Nicey.

Or the tale of the most pointless radio competition ever.

My local radio station has been running one of those promo competitions. Whoever answers the most questions correctly in 90 seconds wins the big prize, which is a weekend hotel break.
The pointless factor being it's a weekend at the holiday inn, Barnsley. So you win the chance to leave your home in Barnsley, and go have a nice weekend, er, in Barnsley.

The winner was announced today, mrs. woooooo I won!!!!! From Barnsley!!! Or to be more precise, Dodworth, Barnsley. For those who are not local, I will point out Dodworth is basically a small housing estate near the motorway. It has a chip shop, a nearby industrial estate, and also a small hotel.

Yes, you guessed it, the small hotel in Dodworth is the holiday inn. I bet the family was overjoyed to find out about their break, half a mile away from where they live all the freaking time.....