hey...... got any grapes?

Lazy blog day:



Did you guess the ending?

I'm almost tempted to buy the book & CD just to see if it has any more weapons grade songs for when Idiot Girl is in my car.

Long way down

Saturday! A new SPICE challenge. I'm booked on the "York minster hidden tour".

First problem:
The instructions say 'meet your contact Ian at the entrance to the minster'.

Er, there are approximately 80 people that could be classed as near the entrance. In groups of various size, who keep coming and going in a tourist sort of way. True, I can discount 50% of them if I assume Ian isn't Asian. This isn't going to be easy.

A woman walks past holding what looks like a printout with their logo on it. Said woman then meets a random man. I phone 'Ian'. Random man goes to answer his phone. QED: he is Ian. Just to be sure I say "Are you Ian?". He is. Woo!

Problem 2:
We are now all to go for a 'free' cup of tea. I am stuck with the world's most boring man. He likes skiing. He has nothing else to talk about. I resort to watching out the window at the passing people.

Tour starts. We descend into the vaults with mr & mrs earnest our tour guides. It's all a bit difficult as I think they assume we know anything remotely about how said place works, and it's history. Personally I'm professionally ignorant, as I know 2 things. 1) it was on fire in 1984. 2) I've never been anywhere near it before as parents too tight to pay.

The tour gets more deep, as we are shown hidden bits. That's a bit of 12th century wall, followed by excited description of it's building technique. Yes, it could be said this part was a soupcon dull.

Final problem:


Clicky to get the big picture. Observe how tall the person is at the bottom. Now note how there are smaller windows above the big ones. Yes, they took us up there.

Yes, there's bugger all in the way of stuff to stop you from falling down. (a 3 foot high crappy fence).
Yes, after being warned not to have lose items I dropped my phone. Only onto the ledge, so no one died, but rather embarrassing.
Yes, I got a sudden U2 earworm.... hello, hello, I'm at a place called vertigo... I'm normally fine with heights, but was feeling dizzy for some reason. Better to be back on the ground.

Final score:
Maybe a four. Interaction was poor, but no one died....

True colours

Pseudonymph tells of black and white thinking. The next day Idiot Girl proves she works the same way.

Idiot Girl takes her long suffering car for the annual MOT test. This is supposed to detect if things are worn out to the extent of being dangerous. She comes back with a pass, but with advisories. This means (usually) something is 95% worn out, and will not last 12 months to the next test. Smart party members investigate and fix the advisories.

Idiot Girl is black and white. Pass means 100% safe brilliant car, fail means death trap. So as it's a pass, insert fingers in ears and go la la la can't hear you!

Her advisories where:
Rear brakes have an efficiency of 52%
Parking brake has an efficiency of 16%

Totally safe to ignore them then. Who needs brakes anyway? And you can carry a brick around to fix the 2nd one....

You know Idiot Girl is going to do nothing, as you point out the potential result of wall / car interface. Oh yeah, I'll get it fixed. Just not this month 'cos I'm sooooo busy. My diary is overflowing and I don't have a second spare.

Er, you're off work Two days next week... Yeah, but I've got 'stuff' to do.. you know, STUFF.

~sigh~ Makes note not to go anywhere near her car...

Lazy blog has to be poor dead Eva Cassidy's cover of true colours:

Crazy fit massage

FX: Door bell

C'riz rushes to the window, remembers to open it first, puts head outside and says hello? (For I be expecting parcels).

"Parcel for Idiot Girl", says the man.
Bugger, I'll be right down...
"I'll get it off the van"...

So I open the door, sign here, and then notice the sodding huge box. W, T, and indeed F has Idiot Girl bought now? The box is huge, and extremely heavy. Delivery man gives me a cheery wave and sods off, so I'm left to drag it into the house by myself.

"Crazy Fit Massage (pink)" is written on the box. I ponder on this for a while before getting on with my so called life.

~wavy lines of time passing~

Ma Ma has asked Idiot Girl what the hell is in the big box, and when is she coming to collect it? We are told it's dead brilliant, and she's not. I am to deliver and assemble it. Joy.

Big box is dragged to my car, and then into Idiot Girl's house. A clear bit of floor is found, the chinglish manual pictures studied, and a work of modern art emerges, thus:


A crazy fit massage (pink).

The accurate words being a) pink and b) crazy.

Said device is yet another miracle weight loss product. See the black bit at the bottom? Well it violently rocks side to side. For 25 minutes.
I stood on it for 30 seconds and lost 5 lb's and discovered the result is 'pins and needles' in the lower leg area coupled with a loss of ability to walk in a straight line.

This piece of crap cost £135. Another prime example of how Idiot Girl would be queuing to jump off a bridge if other people was doing it.

Those with long memories may also recollect the same Idiot Girl attempted to remove her foot by the medium of horse. As she now gets huge pain when walking I'm sure violent shaking of said foot will be most pleasant.
Still, I'm sure everyone who anyone would love to have such an attractive piece of modern art installed in their house.

Challenge C'riz

No, that isn't an invitation. More a case of sharing success. Yay Me sort of thing.

My man in Doncaster tells me my shiny shiny metal has come in, so proceed to his gaff and hand over the money tout suite. I have an additional task, for I've seen on evilbay a shoppe near to his house have horse stable rubber mats at low low prices. Yes, I don't have (or want) a nag, but they're also good for putting next to machinery for humans to stand on.

Ma Ma makes several attempts to say she will come with me, but no, this is a mission I must undertake alone.

So I drive to shoppe. Walk around a bit until I locate said items. Yes, they look ideal. Snag being evilbay ad says £29.50, sign on mats says £42. A slight difference. Fortunately I have a printout of the evilbay ad, so go in, and using my best mildly insane smile enquire if I can have a mat, but only pay the lower price.

Nice lady was either scared of my insane smile, or hates the bosses as it's mine all mine for £29.50. Yay! Result! I am full of win!

Lazy blog:



I had eliminator on my usb stick on the drive over. No remotely interesting facts about this one, 'cos er I haven't got any. Feel free to share 'em if you've got 'em.

D is for drug

So today I went to the hospital. Hello dermatology department!

Explained my random itching problems to the nice man. Nice man says ah! you're being investigated for wonky liver syndrome***

So I tell him the doctor says that's 'fine' and not really that far above normal people at all. O Reily? he says..... Looks at my results and says it's deffo high enough to give me the mega itch.

Shame there isn't a magic cure tab, eh doc?
Haven't they given you anything to stop it then?
Er, no. Got told to try otc antihistamines that do the square root of.. well, you know.

He pulls out a pad and writes me a script. Try these, if it doesn't work I'm writing to your quack with a list of others to try.

Er, thanks. Wait a minute... I've been putting up with this for years when there is an answer? Boy was I suckered....

So I now have 30 * 180mg fexofenadine. Whatever they are. Joy.

***Stop me if I get too technical.

Toast

I like toast. But it must be made correctly. Well done, crispy texture, hot, lots of butter (melted). There's nothing worse IMHO than cold toast.

The problem is, crap toaster + Ma Ma conspire to produce cold toast. Yes, it's easy to get the correct level of burntness, but to get the butter right and retain heat is very difficult. I suspect not helped by putting it on a cold plate.

So I applied SCIENCE to the problem. How can I get more heat into my toast without burning it to oblivion, or using mega thick slices?

Because I like you all, I will tell you my secret. Burn toast to correct shade with the toaster. Transfer toast to microwave and apply radiation to superheat the toast. Add butter, enjoy!

Ma Ma it turns out has been giving away the secrets of my research to all and sundry. Idiot Girl knows how to make my perfect toast!!!! Turns out she followed the instructions, and denounced my wonderful toast as being, and I quote, "F***ing awful".

Of course, she is full of wrong. I'm not sure why she would undertake to use my method, when (sicko she is) she thinks toast should be 1) minimal butter, and 2) cold.

Er, hello! McFly! hello! Anyone in there? You've used a method that is designed to produce the exact opposite of what you want, and then complain that it's wrong? Think mcFly, Think!

Lego

So I had a idea that could be solved by lego. Tis a long time since I did the brick construction toy thing, and I know Ma Ma will have disposed of mine by now. So I googled lego.

And this came up:



Can you tell what's going on here kids?
The answer be here.

Is it wrong that my initial thought was 'why doesn't his head fall off'?
I dunno, biblical lego is somehow disturbing, yet lego deathstar canteen isn't.

Result

Shock horror, labour wins local election. With predicting powers like this I should play the lottery.

My chosen man, mr "unemployed gizza job, I can do that" achieved 5.02% of the vote. Or to put it another way, 55 votes more than required to get his deposit back. So in a small way I helped a man not lose £500.

Ma Ma has been having 'fun' too. She only managed to get herself on the television being interviewed by man in the street on her views of this election victory. Sadly, this now means everyone knows her views....

Vote!

Today was the chance for the fine people of Barno central to make their voices heard, and to choose a new MP after that slight problem of the previous one being sent to prison for robbing the public purse.

There has even been tv crews in town, speculating on who the winner may be.

One slight snag is, even mystic Meg could predict the result. Labour have won it every time since, oh, 1945. Who do you think is going to win this time kids?

As it's 'special' we have had a lot of potential candidates. But who to vote for? Mr. Wood who last time stood on the platform of "I'm a season ticket holder at Barnsley FC" is not standing this time.

Having given it careful thought I've gone for the man who is unemployed, tired of having no money, and thinks it would be a good job to have, so he's applied for it. (Sort of). A modern day Yosser Hughes.

*************

Musical linky thing from yesterday. Er, well that went badly. Note to self, pick links that persons other than yourself have a hope in hell of getting. I'm crap at this interacting lark, sorry peeps.

Anyway, my links where:

Both made #1 for exactly 1 week.
Artists involved are Scottish.
Both had greater success under different band names.

Will try harder if I do this again.....

Quiet innit?

Sadly there's not much going on to blog about.

I think I've fixed the leak in my land rover, but as it's not rained since it's a bit hard to say for sure. Other not news includes many many miserable hours grinding metal things.

I do hope one day soon to be hypocritical by posting a photo of my neighbours new 4x4. If he ever parks it in daylight hours. I know mine never goes off road, but at least it could. He's chopped in the audi for a mercedes that has wheels of such size they would look too large on a bus, but with elastic bands for tyres thus making the 4x4 part of it totally useless.

I've also booked more Spice events, but suspect they will be cancelled as looks like I'm the only one interested.

Enough of my so called life. Lazy blog:



Can you link this with last week's lazy blogging? I can think of two (count 'em), two! links. My answers on Friday 'cos that will give me something to blog about.

Lazy links

So, to recap last Thursday I lazy blogged Alphaville's "big in Japan".

I now introduce a rather unexciting idea... today's lazy blog links to last week's lazy blog. Woo. I'm underwhelmed so I'm sure you are too.

On with it:


This be Aneka - Japanese Boy.

See what I did there? Don't worry, if I run with this idea I'll come up with less obvious linkage. Knowing the way I think nobody else will make the links, but well, it may be fun for a while.

Exciting facts:
Rather unsurprisingly this was a 1 hit wonder.

Aneka is actually Scottish. People who thought she was really Japanese, please leave the building NOW.

There was an album, also called Aneka. I have it, and whilst I don't play it that often there are situations where it's really good. Like when Idiot Girl is in my car, and it's a really long dull journey that will be livened up by hearing Idiot Girl complain that this is against the Genoa convention*.

Actually, it's one of my favourite high energy 80's albums with a screechy singer. Ok, so it may actually be my only high energy 80's album with a screechy singer.

*Yes, I could tell her, but it's more fun to imagine crimes against cake.

Phoney

I have a major dislike with phones. Down a bit from when I hated them with a fiery vengeance, but still not good.

So it's a bit contrary that today I've bought mobile #2. I barely use #1 for calls. More for blurry photos than anything else.

I've got it for a cunning plan. I'm prolly going to hate it, but I'm going to book on more SPICE events. I'm thinking maybe something physically terrifying as well as mentally. "Abseiling for the terrified" is an obvious candidate. I can bond with the other scared people who don't know why the hell they're there.

So although I don't use mobile #1 much, I think I'd be fairly upset if I dropped it off a cliff. New #2 cost £10, does phone calls, texts, and bugger all else. It's also a sturdy looking block of plastic with a tiny screen that should be hard to break. I accidentally tested this by dropping it 4 foot trying to get it out of the box. (It bounced).

My feeling of being clever didn't last long, as googleing it reveals I could have got an even bigger bargain. Same phone, but with £10 credit for £10.19. 19p for a phone! They will be free with breakfast cereal soon!

Fire! Fire!

Burn!

I wish to announce my latest stained glass thing is finished. Or perhaps to be more precise I've come to the realisation that it will never be perfect so it's not worth spending more time / money on it. Save it as a moment on the journey sort of thing and move on to something new.

Anyway, I show to you my lantern / candle thing / pain generator*






Yes, I realise the pics are poor and too dark. Was attempting to show it in working mode, but said tealight powering it is not very bright.

Next project: "Terror of the geraniums", as I like to call them. One of those mini greenhouse things. I got most of it cut out on Friday, but there isn't a class this week unless I find time to do it at home.

*pain due to discovering fire hot while trying to light it.

rinse, repeat

Sadly all I do these days is either a) bitch or b)lazy blog. As it's Thursday, it's traditional to go for b).

Wait a minute, some things are different!

Idiot Girl has repaid the £14,000 she borrowed last year. An event I was not expecting, so I suddenly feel rich.

Tomorrow I hope to finally finish my next stained glass item. For something I was going to knock up quickly it's sure taken a lot of time...

Lazy blog: ahead warp factor 4. ENGAGE!

Alphaville: big in Japan.


Close run thing actually between this and 'forever young'. But this ties in with an idea I had... more on which later... If I remember it.

Bugger: part deux

Spice event: not cancelled.

Reply as to wtf they are playing at:
No I'm just back from it. We'd have contacted u if it was cancelled. We do cancel yr booking to generate a refund as we give u yr money back on the night as per writeup.

I'm Not Impressed. By the content or the text speak. Will have to think long and hard if I want to continue with this lot.

Bugger

So I stop working early, and even go so far as to attempt to make myself look civilised. 20 minutes to go before I'm due to go out to the spice new members night I check their website for the Nth time, as I'm paranoid like that.

Good job I did, for it says 'cancelled' in big letters. No phone call, or email to tell me. So if I wasn't paranoid they would have got me.

I am rather annoyed actually. They've wasted my day, got my money, and does this sort of shit happen regularly? I was considering events 2 hours drive away, but if this is how they play it... well, bugger that for a game of soldiers. Will have to await their response to my dude, wtf? email.

I give you lazy blog, for it makes me feel better:

20 hours

To the spice new member's night. I must admit I'm not looking forwards to it.

The problem is I'm afraid. I tend to follow the path of least resistance to make life go easier. For this event I need the skill of saying no. Politely, but firmly. Stated aim is to introduce you to spice, and tell you how it works, and book you on events. (For that be how they make money after all).

Problem is it also says we will 'hook you up' with new friends on the night. Er, no. I'll choose my own friends ta, not have you go oh, another idiot from Barno.... why not go on events together?

I also need to say no to several of the 'new member recommended events' as they are the sort of thing that I would hate to n decimal places.

If it's supposed to be fun, why does it feel so much like hard work?

In other news, I now have a spinny globe thing over there>>>> no down a bit, yes there. Pretty, non?

Abandoned in deep space

Any crew? Negative....

For those of you who haven't a clue what I'm on about, here is a quick lazy blog:



Veh trancey, and makes my hair stand up. But the thought of finding some huge spaceship abandoned in deep space has always been appealing to me. As a child I escaped the mundane world for the scifi one found in books.

The first book I can remember with this theme was Nicholas Fisk's Sunburst . The characters find a giant and seemingly abandoned spaceship, and decide it would be a great wheeze to dock and find out why. The why turns out to be related to the ship being new, but painted with "THTH" everywhere. They eventually discover from a tape recording (If it was written today it would be an ipod I guess), that this means "too hot to handle". The ship is full of radioactive waste, and is going to crash into the sun, with them trapped aboard. Nasty.

Then there was Rendezvous with rama. Or as I remember it, bloodly long boring book that I only kept reading to find out what/ why? was going on with this huge abandoned alien spacecraft? Just like an ex library Agatha Christie with the last page missing you never got to find out. Methinks messr. Clarke didn't have an answer in mind, so though bugger it, I'll just stop there.

There's been lots more since then of course. But the most recent one was when I was lazy booking, aka audio book time. On a train to London, it's a big finish doctor who play, and they find an abandoned (in deep space) spaceship. No!!!! go away now!!!! I'm saying. 'Cos you just know what's going to be in the cargo hold. Express delivery from Telos.... Anyone for cyber-conversion?

So, er, that's why I like that song. Takes my little mind to other places without the use of drugs.

Observing

So tonight was Spice event #2: The observatory visit.

Terror struck early when the man who organises it phoned me up at 5pm to say it may be cloudy, and to phone him back before I set off to check it's happening. I don't like phones. I really don't like phoning people I don't know. But I did it somehow.

To the batmobile disco! Said disco then adds to the pressure. Earlier I tidied all the crap out of it, but on opening one of the doors approx 1 gallon of water poured out. Whilst I must give land rover points for having water tight doors, I must remove similar points for not having water tight roofs. The additional pressure being the interior lights didn't come on.
So, has the water got in the computer (Lights are computer controlled), and thus the computer will randomly die and leave me stranded? (Just so you don't have to worry, no it didn't).

Got to the meeting point for the observatory, and started observing. Not the stars, but what the other people say to each other. The questions they ask, the things they tell about themselves. Perhaps a more important observation than the stars...

We then went to the observatory. This here telescope be pointed at that there moon. Have a look.... Yes, that looks just like the moon I can see WITH MY NAKED EYE FOR FREE.... and this here telescope can be bought for only £500 you say....

Man then does the point over there and says that be orion is. Come inside the observatory, and we will use the big telescope to look at the orion nebula. We each get a look. It looks bugger all like the pretty photos BTW, as the man points out human vision is crap at night so you only see it in back and white.

I resist urge to ask man if telescope can show c-beams off the shoulder of orion. More out of fear that he will instantly get it, and engage me in a discussion about nexus 6 models.

It then goes cloudy, so no more stars really. Everyone outside, where the man and his assistants can point to the occasional star that appears thru the clouds and say that's blah constellation. This bit of the evening is slightly less of a success, as whilst the people in the know are clearly enthusiastic, they're also geek to the power of N and babble a lot whilst trying to impart what they know.

Overall, I'd say this one was a success. Next week: New members night.

An offer I can refuse

Got an ASQ from evilbay. I've seen the like before and considered not wasting my time answering, but for some reason did.

Man in Spain wants my 'best price, much cheapness' for 15 balls. They're normally £5.99 each, so I told him £5, and postage at cost.

He no like this offer. He wants them cheap enough that he can sell them at £5.99 and make a profit. He tells me he is doing me a favour, as I will only have to go to the post once with his order and not 15 times if I sold them directly to 15 different people.

Er, no. I go to the post every day, for the other people who buy things. I go once a day, not every time someone buys something.

Now if you was offering to come and drill holes in the cold and rain for me, well, I'd consider it. But you've already said in your email that you consider the making part of things to be hard work that you don't want to do. Thanks for your kind offer to let me do the work, and you'll take the profit for doing nothing, but I think I'll pass.....

Zombie Vs Zombie

Who will win? They must unite and fight to discover the best!

Zombie 1: The cranberries


Zombie 2: Adam featuring Amy


Who do you think won?

Scammer

The day job is selling my fine wares on the bay of evil. Today I get a message from, I suspect, a scammer. Posted a ball to him on Friday. The message is the usual annoying "HAVE YOU POSTED IT?" all caps screamer... no, I made it up when I sent you email saying I had.

The difference this time is he demands I make it appear by tomorrow or he wants a full refund. Alarm bells are ringing... genuine people just want their item.

I'm not sure how to play this one... It's nowhere near long enough to be genuinely lost. Will have to think of some clever way to say sod off... Of course I'm going to lose in the end as I suspect he's already got it, and has decided he'd like it for free with it not being tracked.

I hate this job at times:(

Apollo 13

or Houston we've got a problem... or six.

Friday was moderately awful.

I finally got my tax figures from the accountant, and paid the tax online. Sadly this was the easy bit, as I've also got to phone tax credits and tell them how much I made. The rest of the world is also doing this so it's a soupcon busy in their call centre methinks. So they're playing a game.

Ring ring... Hello... please select from the following options... You've selected 4!.... please select from the following options... you've selected 3! ... please select from the following options... You've selected 1!.... did you know you can get help on our website? Please make sure you have your national insurance number ready.... this call may be recorded for training purposes..... our call centre is available from 8 to 8 every day.... All our operatives are busy... please call again later... goodbye! ~click~

yes, 5 minutes of crap and it cuts you off. So of course I phoned back again. And being clever I'd written down the answers, so I could just press 4,3,1 without waiting for the robot woman. This time they are busy, but I am put on hold.

20 minutes later, and I have to stop being on hold as my mobile is ringing. Tis glass class lady, glass class is cancelled. Bum. For two weeks! Double bum.

Back on hold for another 20 mins, and yay, the nice scottish man grills me, and then pronounces I have passed and my record has been updated.

Also had problems with my new toy. Saturday noticed it's slow to start turning. Investigation reveals the motor drive built is too slack. The adjustment bolts are a) really inaccessible, b) tightened to high torque and c) made of soft easily destroyed metal. By the time the job was done I have a hand which resembles a map of the moon.

Sunday new toy is still bothering me. It's too darn loud. Sounds like a cement mixer full of ball bearings. So I take the gearbox top cover off to find the reason is there's no bloody oil in the headstock. Well, maybe 1/4 inch in the bottom, when it should be about 4 inches deep. So game over until I can get the correct oil tomorrow.

I'm also losing to a cold. Thus I have the steady dripping nose thing.

I have an earworm too. I will share it with you now.



Bonus points if you can spot the pointless lyric censorship...

I've got two tickets to iron maiden baby....

Busy

That's me. Too busy to even lazy blog yesterday. It's awful.

As well as lots of work that's stopping me playing with my new toy, I'm also being Sonja'd. Sonja is the owner of an idiot son. Who clicks on the click here for free porn, er to add your computer to a botnet. So every 3 months or so I get a call that "somethings wrong with the computer". must be desperate this time as phoning EVERY FREAKING DAY. Go away, busy busy busy...

There is also the slight issue that there is round about zero month left, and the accountants haven't done my tax return yet. Be done 'soon' they tell me. So will be the £100 fine for not getting it in on time. Plus I've still to be on hold to the other government peeps who also want to know what I've earned.

Still, nice and relaxing glass class tomorrow. I can concentrate on a) not cutting myself and b) not starting any fires, and all my worries will just melt away.

Coming soon....

101 exciting things to do with a cnc music factory lathe. (Everybody dance now.... argh earworm).

It's now a) built, b) in the correct place and c) model engineering club member tested. (It goes backwards and forwards but nothing has been made 'cos that's a bit complicated).

Soon I will be able to fill youtube with exciting videos like this one:



this is actually the same type of machine I have, except mine is white & blue. And I'm smart enough to never EVER leave the key in the chuck unlike the chuckleheads who made that video.

I just need to practise my seasickness camera zoom first.....

***************

In other news....

Yesterday was my first 'spice' event. 'Make this your year'. Some of it was complete honk (If you think positively and wish for nice things to happen, the universe will make them happen for you).

A lot of it was cognitive modification techniques I already know from being shrinked earlier. Yet more was having a sore arse after sitting on wooden chairs for 6 hours.

The main thing is I met some new people, and interacted, or a very close approximation. This time next year Rodney.....

The eagle has landed

Urgh, I feel like death, but would like to announce that after many miles of travelling, blood sweat and tears, my garage currently sports a shiny new lathe. It's not put together yet, that fun awaits on the morrow.

C'riz out.

Can I play with madness?

I'm excited. Today in amongst all the 'donate clothes to our charity' bags there was a new form of hand delivered mail. One we've never had before.

The badly photocopied A5 raving loony note. I'm yet to work out who they actually hate, it could in fact be a rage against everyone. Or indeed who 'they' are. Or what they want you to do.

Sadly my scanner is broken, so I cannot share it all with you. But I will type the first bit, just to make sure I get added to the government watch list.

Inept ex climate change minister Ed Miliband states "I am a natural optimist". Gifts oops gives earths populations "decades" to find solutions to 'global climate cataclysm' (usually spun to easy old climate change). But edept; the worlds leaders, can not solve' their countries eco problems and who gave you, the decades to give to us? our mep L. Mcavan. says it's 25 years! The poor countries, who now have ecointense, cataclysmic, devastating, unsolvables are now, up and angry, to the blind, indifferent tourists (who have cruised or flown in and are lording it in their anguished, innocent faces (from we, the eco-failing states) and now rob, rape, kill the carbon careless.

Er, I missed out the random capital letters. That is 1 inch of small text, and a fairly representative sample. Can't wait for the next one!

Lazy blog:
Iron Maiden - Can I play with madness?



Bonus Factoid:
This was filmed at Tintern Abbey, a Cistercian monastery. I've not been there, but have been to the nearby Fountains Abbey which is built very similar, but without underground passages with televisions showing iron maiden.

Glum

It's like glee, but more depressing.

I'm currently sat in the house waiting for my special delivery train ticket to London to arrive. So I can go and purchase that small bucket and spade cnc lathe.

So I checked my email, to find one from the vendor of said lathe. That says 'oh dear it's broken, will have to rearrange a different day when it's been fixed'.

Argh! To 2 decimal places!
My ticket that hasn't arrived yet is non-refundable. Or transferable. I suppose I could book another ticket to come back and go and look at the lathe that doesn't work....

Killed to death

I'm going for it. CNC lathe will be mine. (Thanks peeps for the assist).

So on Friday at daft am I get on a train to that there Londinium. Man will meet me at the station, go look at machine, if happy give him £4000, and load it into his van for drive back to my house. Everyone then lives happily ever after.

Ma Ma tells Idiot Girl of this plan. I am insane!!! is her verdict. I am taking 4k to London, so it's certain that the man I am to meet will leave me dead in a ditch somewhere, minus the money.

While it's not ideal to carry around money, I think this is a soupcon far fetched. If you're going to rob someone a)you don't tell them where you live before hand and b)you do it for a lot more money.

I suppose if I was feeling paranoid I could blog a photo of the man before leaving the station. Then you all know whodunnit.

I'm actually more worried that machine turns out to be not what I want, and I'm stuck in London. It will be an adventure whatever happens.

Get fresh at the weekend

we're showing out... showing out.... ~earworm ahoy~

Friday I went to the stained glass course, and it was really nice. I didn't realise just how much I'd missed the peeps until I saw them again.

I'm surprised Sue is back again, as being honest she's bloody rubbish at it. She never remembers any of what she's been told, and so it's not unexpected that she gets it wrong when she's inventing the techniques herself. So it's a stream of profanities as she burns her fingers / drops things on the floor / breaks glass etc.

I also 'came out' and told them of my fliddy past and losing 10 years to staying in the house. I mentioned the 'spice' plan for developing the new me, and the teacher said she used to be in spice and it's a lot of fun with 'interesting' people. Which is good, but then again she's outgoing & confident.

**************
Saturday was less fun. Some gimp has reversed into the side of my car, and promptly done a runner.

Also less fun for Idiot Girl, as the tooth pain she has been ignoring got to unbearable levels. So she went to the emergency dental facility. The emergency medical hologram dentist says in his opinion that tooth is wrong, and needs either a)removing or b) root canal to save it.
Idiot girl thinks she knows better and says it's just an infection, give me antibiotics. So he does...... She's now (Sunday night) been on them, tramadol, benzocaine gel, oil of cloves, lucky rabbit's foot etc, and is trying to convince herself it's better, but failing.

*************

Sunday I go to inspect my poor car. At the same time the man from next door is looking at his audi with a similar unhappy expression. Yes, someone has hit that and also buggered off. A different someone as he has black paint transfer, and mine is white.

The major damage to mine is to the running board, so I remove said part in the rain to find it's the bracket that's mangled. One visit to mr. Eddie Shovelhands, and it's reshaped to almost the correct profile. Haven't had time to try and refit yet.

I am also stuck on a dilemma. I've wanted a cnc lathe for ages now. I almost had one for £2600, until I found that it was in fact, quite rubbish, and I had to exchange it for my money back.

There has now appeared on evilbay a lot bigger one. It's a beautiful machine, brand new and has been imported from the US of A. The man wants 'around' £4000 for it. To get one direct would cost £4800 + delivery from yank land + customs fees, so it's 'cheap'. It's also (to me) a lot of money to spend.

It's also a lot bigger than I thought I would be able to get. I could make a lot more things with it. It could be a cunning plan. But 4k.... and Ma Ma goes into usual speech that I have ideas but am crap at doing them.... nice demotivation Ma Ma.... I (the business) can afford it, and I want... but going to think on it overnight.

Here I go again

Plz to engage the whitesnake earworm. I has it, so think you should too.

When it's the real morning (ie the one with the sun, not the technical after midnight one) the stained glass course resumes. well, in theory it does, as the nice lady said she would email to remind me, but hasn't.

I'm going to go, as tis only a couple of miles away if it's 'off'. There is also the potential terror of new people. We was promised more students, so maybe there will be.

There is the backup terror of I'm rubbish at names. No, really rubbish. I've just about learned the peeps from the last time, and there was only the teacher + 2 other students.

More 'excitement' as and when it happens.

Politics

Barno is once again on the map, as my MP gets ready to quit (and get a jail term) for fiddling £14,000 from the public purse. Not that I voted for him last time.

So there will be a by-election, and I know who I'm going to vote for, should he stand again. Step forwards "Donald Wood", the man who last time got 2% of the vote, possibly because he had only two things on his 'vote for me' sheet.

1)Eric Illsley is bent. (correct as it turns out)
2)I am a season ticket holder at Barnsley FC.

I'm hoping he'll come up with another exciting vote winner.

Lazy blog:
Re-flex: the politics of dancing


This is a 'live' performance from the oh so cool in the 80's show 'the tube'. Or judging on audience reaction, plus band desperation plus stock footage insertion, a dead performance.

Methinks they had been promised Madness and was tricked into seeing these instead.

Spice

I've now joined S.P.I.C.E (special programme of initiative challenge & excitement).

New me: ahead, warp factor five mr. Sulu!

So far I've booked 3 events.

1)Make This Year 'The' Year
A 5 hour 'workshop' on attaining your goals, and other medieval underwater basket weaving type topics.

2)Observatory Visit
Or pay to go and look at the stars. I've always been interested in space, but rubbish at it, so could be educational. Or cloudy.

3)New member's social
Meet other new members. Buffet (food + people simultaneously? Sounds terrifying). Further pimpage from them to do more activities.

Also considering the tank paint ball one. Well that or 'drive a steam train', but you get half a day with tanks, and only an hour with a train for the same money. Both are cheaper than 'indoor skydiving' where your £100 gets you FOUR minutes!

Think I'll see if I survive the first round before booking more things. This could be the best or worst thing I've ever done.

Inclement

I'm supposed to go to the dentist today. As I keep getting occasional random pain this is no bad thing.

Except... Ma Ma is also going to the dentist. Ma Ma doesn't want to go. Ma Ma wakes me up early, and tells me it's snowed massively, it's impossible to drive and she's cancelled the dentist. Go back to sleep.

So I do. I'm now awake, and it's obvious this is yet another of Ma Ma's 'I don't want to go' excuses. Yes, there is some snow. But, the buses are still driving past the house, so her description of too much snow for anything to move is false. If a bus can go, my 4x4 can surely also go.

Just to make sure that I don't notice this, and uncancel the appointment she's gone out without taking her phone. *sigh*

*************

In other news, I didn't win the free spice membership competition. But, they sent me a message saying I can have the first month free if I join now!... as I was going to anyway, I'm counting this as a sort of win...

Ooooh Laaaaaaa!

The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one... but still they come!!!!
Well that's what messr. Wayne said.

I have something else going on with slightly better odds. The membership pimp pack arrived in the post for the spice activity thing. Said pack contains the instruction to visit their facebook group. So I did. To find it says "not a member? click like to enter our competition to win a 3 month free membership".

Said compo is drawn on Friday at noon. Or about 36 hours away. There are currently 12 likes including mine... Prolly still won't win, but I like the odds.

As it's now Thursday, it's time for lazy blogging. I bring to you a rather odd video of eve of the war. Enjoy!

Rumours

of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Being the phrase wrongly associated with Mark Twain.

Or to put it another way, I'm not dead yet. For today I went to see the nice lady doctor. Hello nice lady doctor, give me the bad new please?

Both my blood tests show elevated levels of bilirubin. I think from the quick glance at her screen one was 60, the other 70. I do have Gilbert's syndrome, which, big surprise gives out free increases in bilirubin. Methinks 'normal' people are round 20, and previously I've been 30ish.

So her next cunning plan is a) wait 3 weeks and get another blood test (joy!) to see if it's still raised. b) ultrasound scan of my gall bladder (I'm guessing she's thinking gallstones/ other reason for rise), and c) send me to the dermatologist just in case the insane itching isn't caused by bilirubin at all.

She also mentioned possibility of gastroenterology department if a +b are 'wrong'. Which I think prolly means diagnostic tests of the kind I don't want to think about.

Persons with any hint of medical knowledge feel free to chip in......

**************

On a lighter note, Idiot Girl has a new stupid quest to waste money. She's going to get d*i*v*o*r*c*e*d from Twonko. She's read on the internet you can do it for less than £70. She's also booked a first meeting with a solicitor for tomorrow that is going to cost £90 for the hour. But she's still convinced the entire thing will cost under £70....

Methinks the £14K she owes me is going to take a *little* while longer to be repaid than initially estimated. I do know that I am not allowing any further loans for legal person purposes.

Cough. Parp.

Idiot Girl strikes again.

She came here for the last hour of 2010. Which was spent a) bitching about her 'friends' who she'd spent the rest of the night with b) tormenting her dog, c) refusing to join in and d) coughing on people.

I'm now feeling rather ill. Thanks IG, love you too!

Have also started the year badly with arguing with Ma Ma. It's the same old thing. I want item X (in this case my oscilloscope). I go to where I put item X to find it's not there, and there's some junk in it's place. Ma Ma has 'tidied' it. Or to put it another way, she doesn't know what it is, only it's not hers and so it must be put in a bag and put somewhere else 'tidy'. I then ask where is X? What's an X? is always the reply, followed by a denial of ever having seen such an item.

It's eventually found in some obscure location in a poly bag. Ma Ma's argument is "I should put things away". My counter argument is "I considered it put away @ position Y in room Z, and if you move it somewhere else it wouldn't kill you to either tell me you are doing so, or write down what you have done".

This of course can never be resolved unless either Ma Ma stops randomly moving things, or I can fit everything into the garage as she never goes there so thus I can find everything 'cos it's still where I put it.

A (mildly) amusing side effect is on some things it's not worth the argument, so I just go out and buy another one. That's why my bookcase now has 6 copies of one of my favourite books...

Therapy

I may have just attached a small rubber duck keyring to a Chinese lantern, and launched them to the edge of space (ok 300 foot or so).

This be my way of symbolising a certain person is out of my life for 2011. Bit unlucky for the duck, but I feel better.

Good luck to the nice people for 2011, good riddance to a certain person from 2010...

Happy war

Christmas is over.

The C'riz household now has a large surplus of vegetables.

We went to tesco yesterday to find a wall of clearance stuff blocking the entrance. About 5 cubic meters (approx guess) each of potatoes, carrots & swedes. All sell by that day, so a trolley full for less than a pound.

Then today we went to asda who had 20 or so boxes of sprouts at 1p per bag. Again, become toxic at midnight. Both stores also had a giant heap of iceberg lettuce, so I guess no one likes lettuce for Christmas.

It's such a waste though. People starving around the world, and Barno shops have massively over ordered on stuff just so they don't sell out, but will end up throwing it all away. I know supermarkets pay very little for products, but surely they can't make a profit this way?

In other news I've started reading a new author - John Barnes. So far I'm liking what I see, it's all pretty twisted far out stuff. The last one was an alternate futures, what would happen if WW2 had been won by the Germans?

Makes you think.... What if Yoko had taken the bullets n John Lennon had lived?

Back to life

back to reality, sang soul II soul.

They left out the bit about it grinding you down. Although, really if I think about it I'm glad to be back working. Christmas hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs, more a simmering pot of hatred ready to bubble over at any minute. On the bright side I haven't had seasonal depression yet.

It's a false start really, 'cos the post will throw me another stoppage for new year, but then it's ahead, groove factor five! There's so much to look forwards to in the new year! I've got the dentist lined up to tell me a)broken teeth and b) kerching!, the doctor to tell me all about living (or not) with liver failure.

On the nice side of things, the stained glass course starts again, and I may do the spice thing, and I have a few other top secret plans I'm thinking I may do if they don't terrify me silly. More on this when I've thought it through a bit more.

Greets to the other working hommies! Boo to Idiot Girl and her smug still on holiday attitude.

My Christmas

by C'riz, class 2b.

So Christmas day rolls round. I put on my most brave face and go out to face the family.

It's moderately awful on the present front. Every year I tell them I don't want anything. Which is true, if I have desires for stuff I act on them and buy. I don't need things to be happy. This time they've gone for the lots of choklit & a cuddly toy approach. Meh. What's wrong with the amazon gift voucher if a) you really must buy something and b) have no clue?

I then drive to idiot girl's to deliver the heavy things she has got that have been left here. Idiot girl is "ill". Nothing to do with having spent most of the night consuming large quantities of C₂H₅OH... no siree.... I am rather lacking in sympathy. Especially when I am told she has poured a large amount of fat down the sink, and now the sink 'doesn't work'. Guess that will be my fun later.

We watch doctor who, which is, frankly, rubbish. Token 3 minute appearance by Pond & boyo. It's also totally wrong, the doctor reasons with people to change, not meddles with time to force them to.

It's now 7pm, so Idiot girl has gone out for round 2 of liver damage. Ma Ma's magic sink unblocking solution hasn't worked at all, so muggins gets to dismantle the pipes and physically pull out the fat. This pleasant job is made all the better by Ma Ma's stuff being basically strong bleach that burns my arm and ruins my jeans. Marvellous!

Fast forwards to boxing day. Idiot girl is even more "ill". Ma Ma tells Idiot girl she is going to the sales. Idiot girl tells Ma Ma that today is a Sunday (correct), and boxing day cannot be on a Sunday (wrong), and thus all the shops will be shut as it's illegal to be open on the day after Christmas if it's not boxing day.

Bizarrely Ma Ma believes this steaming pile of Tottenham that Idiot girl has invented and stays at home. Well, believes it until the news comes on, broadcasting live from the mall with record crowds. Ma Ma then spends the next hour moaning about it to me.

Ma Ma then settles down to watch, and I kid you not, crocodile dundee (the teatime censored edit). She has the tv cranked up to max volume. Oh Ma Ma, could you turn it down a soupcon please?
She turns it down to the point where it is inaudible, and starts giving me the sigh and glare treatment.
Bugger this for a game of soldiers. I get changed and go to work in my -3 C garage. So I was also joining the illegal working stiffs on my day off. At least it's free from other people there, so I cannot be wrong.
Slight snag that all this cold has turned my coolant tank to a block of ice, but I manage to smash it into smaller chunks and then melt them with fire.

One positive outcome is I'm 95% decided to go for it. I be thinking of joining spice, which appears to attract persons 35 - 45 who have no life and want to meet new people and do new things. Who knows, I could be lucky and get my very own bunny boiler...

Even if I don't, I'm going to try and do more new things this coming year.

Right, off to read the blogs of other nice people. Attempt to get the happy by osmosis. Come on, hurry up and write them....

Merry everythings to all

Even teh Misty who has today blocked me from her flickr. I think it's supposed to upset me for Christmas. Shame it isn't doing. In fact it's a nice sense of closure, draws a line under things. Be a new year soon, and hopefully a new me.

I know you're prolly busy with family, fun, work (delete as applicable), so I'll leave you with a song. I like this one, alien visitation myths are soooo cool!




(Yes, I know it's a cover. I like the smokie version better than mr. lady in red)

Merry everythings, may you find whatever you are looking for.

Sorry doggies

I've found an alternative use for mein papa's money.

A bloke I 'know' from the interweb has been going downhill for years now. Can't get work, isn't entitled to benefits. A couple of years ago he sold his apartment and has been living off the money since. Today he emailed me to say 'goodbye for now', as the money has finally run out and he's being evicted on the 26th. He's in the USA, the land of the free.... free to end up in a tent @ -10C

So I'm sending him the money. I doubt it will go far, but it may help a little. He's hoping to be able to claim disability benefits, but doesn't find out if he 'wins' until 22nd February. Not sure what happens if he loses.

Sad face= on.

Fear

Had a truly frightening experience today. The plan was simple, go to tescos and buy shopping, then go to the tyre shoppe and have my new tyres fitted at vast expense.

Tescos part went fine. Got in the car, and drove onto the road. Ma Ma starts fiddling in her bag. "Are you not feeling well Ma Ma?" (For Ma Ma is diabetic). Indeed she has testing kit in her hand, but appears to be struggling to use it. "No problem, I'll pull into the DIY store car park", which I do 2 minutes later.

"Right, you can test now".

Oh dear.... Ma Ma has fallen forwards with only the seatbelt keeping her from going splat. She is also not responding to me unless I shout, which gets the smallest of eye movement. I don't need a meter to tell me this is mega low blood sugar. I take the bag off her knee to get the glucose tablets out of it.

Er, why are there no glucose tablets, just an empty wrapper? Argh!!!!

You know the bit in back to the future where Marty dives in the delorian to escape from the Libyans? Lets see if you bastards can do 90!!!! It was a bit like that.... Jumped 3 red lights, went down the no entry except buses road, dumped the car and miss. voyage to trip out city on tesco's petrol station forecourt. One dash inside and I have glucose energy drink & choklit.

Came back out to find she's revived to the level where she's holding the blood test meter as if it's an artefact from another planet. Ma Ma, put it down and drink this. No, all of it please...

10 minutes later, and she's back in the land of humans. Where are we? Why aren't we at the cash machine? So obviously all in between was totally lost.

The fear being she's not typically like this. She normally knows when a hypo is beginning (I guess she had an idea 'cos of getting the meter out), but normally she's got 5-10 minutes of feeling ill before she becomes properly ill. It terrifies me to think if this had happened in the town when she was on her own.

Kill it with fire

I'm having a day off. Not 'cos I'm lazy, or can't take it any more, but 'cos it's just too dangerous to work today. Currently it's minus 5 Celsius. My 1940's vintage lathe is frozen solid by ice. At a push I could defrost it, but I think such an old lady deserves better. It would be quite easy to cause an irreparable crack, so I'm going for it's tough if you left it this late to order.

Plus the radio has found a new way to torture me. If you dare, clicky here followed by the play arrow.

Please note this is not my local radio station. Imagine the same thing, but without musical backing, or anyone capable of singing, being 'energetically' shouted by a half drunk Yorkshire man.

It needs killing to death. With fire.

Oh mein papa

No, not the song by the man with the golden trumpet.

I'm talking the one I'm (unfortunately) related to. I realised some gimp was thumping on my door, and hoping it was my new books being delivered went to look. No such joy, tis mein papa.

Come in, we can talk.

Of course this is the one thing we actually can't do. He doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say. He tells me how drunk he got. (I'm so impressed). I then get the questions. The same old tiresome questions.

These are:
1) How's your mum?
2) How's your sister?
3) Are you courting?

One day I'm going to really give him an answer to 3) Prolly the only reason I've not done so far is I've not decided which I like best.

"Actually, I'm gay. Ok if I bring my boyfriend round for sunday lunch?"
or
"Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you the love of a honey skinned dancer from Brazil."
or
"My cult leader says I must stab anyone who asks that. ~fx: sharpens knife~"

More (better) suggestions on a postcard plz.

Oh, and I got the same old envelope. The one I know will contain the same card as the last 20 years. I think he got them in bulk. But something is different this time.... there's £50 in it. Frankly, I'm not interested in him or his money. I'll prolly give it to Idiot Girl to burn, unless you have a better plan?

L.F.T

Or I'm going to die.

So my day starts with noticing the snow is coming back. I also have a message saying my aluminium has been delivered, so that's my day planned for me then, go fetch it while I'm still able to.

Halfway there and my phone rings. Tis Ma Ma, telling me the doctors has phoned, and would only say it's nothing to be worried about and to call them.

Awooga! Awooga!
They never phone you, you always have to chase them for results. So I'm instantly suspicious something is wrong. The feeling intensifies when I got there. (I called in as it's on the way home).

"Ah... Yes... you need another blood test, and then you'll need an appointment to see the doctor."

Crystal palace, go to defcon 2... Blood tests always work like take the test, results come back to the doctor, you phone up and they tell you what the doc thinks. I need an appointment before taking tells me they just want confirmation that I'm still on my last legs.

The last blood test had every box possible ticked. This one only has LFT, which of course is liver function test. Or maybe liver failure time.

Anyone want to bagsie some bits in my will?

Songs in the key of argh

If you work in a shop, or have the misfortune to spend more than 20 minutes in one you will no doubt hear one of those Christmas songs that makes you want to kill.

I think it's important to share things with people, so here's my lazy blogging of my least favourite Christmas song:



You may be thinking, but this isn't a Christmas song. Well, technically, no it isn't. But I've only got to hear 5 seconds of it and I get the horror come flooding back. It was in the charts Christmas 1992. I was working in a dive bar in a west end town in the centre of sunny Barnsley. It was awful, to ten decimal places.

The worst thing was the place couldn't decide what it wanted to be. I think technically it was supposed to be an Irish themed olde worlde pub. When it was quiet you would have old men, and the background muzzax was irish. To the point where the staff would pay to use the jukebox to turn it off.

But it also had insanely cheap drink promotions, so it was like a switch was pulled and all the younger peeps would appear and dance round their handbags. So that was my Christmas hell. If
I hear "man in the moon", "dancing queen" or "my way" I'm transported back there. Telling the boss I'm just going out for a smoke (when I don't) was the only way to escape the madness.

And your personal soundtrack to hell includes.....?

Faith, hop, and charity

And the greatest of these is hop.

(They just don't make tv like that these days).

So today I joined the rest of the lemmings for "a bit of last minute xmas shopping".
Yes, of course it was awful. Though low stress as a) I know exactly what I want and b) I don't know people, so didn't have to join in with the standard tiresome conversation (Eyup jack, hows tha goin? Not bad Fred... Is tha ready for xmas? etc etc as you block the way for people on a mission).

I also did a bit of the charity thing. As teh Misty is now officially an ex friend (n yes, still makes me sad) that means I don't have to buy her a present. So I have more money to use up.

Charity #1: Barno dog rescue.
Who are asking for food for dogs. I like this, it's direct and you are obviously helping the ones in need (teh dogs). I buy them dog food.

Charity #2 is found at tescos: The salvation army.
They want money, and have three men armed with instruments attempting to persuade you to give it. They must be the backup team, as normally the SA have big bands who can play. This lot though where I felt going for the pity vote. They would start strongly on a carol, but after about 45 seconds it all goes a bit wrong as the bloke with the tuba fluffs it, and they realise they don't know all the music. There was then a pause while they confer on what to try next, sadly with the same result.
I gave them 10 quid, and was wished a merry Christmas in return.

I don't mind giving them money, as I believe on the whole they do good work and help people. Ok, I'm still unsure on the god question, but you can put that aside and admire the help they give to people. If there is a God I'm sure all (s)he really wants is for us to be nice to each other.

Charities I'm not helping this year are the ones who have sent me fancy letters asking for help. This may appear mean when all they want is £20 to save a life / build a well / help Simba's cubs / cure cancer etc, but I've fallen for this one before. You give them £20, and over the next year they spend £19 of it sending you letters asking you for more money. I'm sure it's a front for a paper making company. I'd much rather buy dog food as I know it helps dogs.

Compare. Contrast.

I had the misfortune to be in the garage with the radio on at the same time as the charts was on. The dross that passes for music these days is unbelievable.

But there was one interesting thing. This year's first attempt at getting an anti x factor Christmas no 1 made it to #9. It was this song:



They played about 15 seconds of it, and then cut it, the oh so clever 'presenters' basically saying what a load of old sh*t, but in polite radio speak.

The chart then continues until #4 which is this:



This is apparently dead brilliant sayeth smashy n nicey.

The question:
Am I the only one to spot a similarity between said songs? Surely you could take teh bird song, add some random idiot mumbling rap over the top and it wouldn't be a million miles from teh hair song?

Answers on a postcard....

Doctor Doctor

can't you see I'm burning burning? (And repeating my words.)

Our doctor's operates a system whereby you have to plan illness 6 weeks in advance 'cos that's how long it takes to get an appointment. Unfortunately I forgot to plan ahead and so didn't have an appointment.

My problem is thus:
I'm itching. Randomly. With no spots, redness, etc. I can want to tear my face off for an hour, and then it stops and moves somewhere else.

After a week of this, life has been less than fun. So once again I check the online booking thing, and lo! there is an appointment in half an hour! Zoomed down there, told my tale of woe to the nice lady.

After a few random guesses (have you changed washing powder?) , and vice investigation (how much tea /coffee / alcohol? Er, none), I am booked in for a blood test with all the boxes ticked.

I am also 'given' this rather large 1kg tub of magic cream. Which doesn't do that much, but looks impressive.




Feel free to play diagnosis if you like? Bonus points for dead by xmas.

Erection

I was woken this morning by a large erection. Or more precisely by the monkeys constructing said erection next door. Said erection was pointed out to Ma Ma, who was less than happy.

Yesterday we spent quite a bit of time shovelling ice from the street so the bin could be placed exactly on the pavement edge. Said bin hasn't been emptied for three weeks due to the snow, so it is essential it gets emptied today. We know that if they have to walk on frozen stuff to get the bin, elf n safety will decide it's dangerous, and it won't be emptied.

So Ma Ma is quite peeved that the monkeys have a) moved the bin back onto the snow and b) are using the cleared bit to unload their truck. Some people would get passive aggressive here. Ma Ma prefers the direct approach. "Oi, monkeys! Put my bloody bin back where you got it from or I'll empty it in your bloody truck!"

For a 5 foot woman she is very intimidating. Said bin is replaced. Sadly I am kept awake as they create their erection all morning.

The house next door now has scaffolding all over the front with a bit looking like a diving board platform extending to the chimney. Quite what the intent is I'm not sure, but Ma Ma is getting a good head of steam built, as after all the chimney is 50% ours. Observe this space for developments.

Upbeat

Re-reading my rantings this month, it would be fair to say they project a picture of misery and depression. Whilst it is true all the Idiot Girl tasks have been less than fun, this is perhaps to borrow an s. duck phrase "the best Christmas Walford's ever seen".

Normally by now Xmas will have started getting to me, and I will have started acting fairly S.A.D

I don't know if the anger / sleep deprivation / mind numbing stupidity / sub zero temperatures is what's stopping it this year, or if I'm somehow magically cured, but I suppose I should enjoy it while I can.
Though I do keep going off on flights of fancy about saying sod it all and going to visit friend in New Zealand to escape.

Onto teh lazy blogging:



Anyone else remember this?

Must admit it's the video that sticks in my mind, pretty amazing for 1985. Of course today any child with a pc could do it.

Not again?

Yes, again.

Idiot girl again destroys my peace and calm. She does this by the power of telephones. You may or may not know, but I hate the bloody things, gives me the wiggins. So you can imagine my pleasure at being woken up by three phones (house, my mobile, Ma Ma's mobile) all ringing simultaneously.

Not much of a shock to find out all three are in fact her. She as always has a demand: Instantly take the keys for her sold house to the new owner. Now! I command you! Slightly annoying as it's already been arranged they where to be taken today.

To keep the peace I get up and we sort of follow her demands. We take them to the estate agents instead.

As we have now done her bidding she keeps the annoyance level high by phoning every hour to find out if her car is fixed yet.

The day ends, and she should be happy. House sale is fully done, and cannot be reversed. She has her car back and it's cost her nothing. (me £60, Ma Ma £200). So she is in a foul mood instead. I truely wish she would move to Australia, but that's a soupcon unfair on the people already there.

Downwards spiral

I go shopping moderately late night (9 - 10pm). This suits me as a) less people and b) more 'must sell before midnight or we throw it away' bargains.

Recently I've noticed more people. Lots more. Methinks more people have noticed the offers. So nobody buys in the day hoping to get things mega cheap at night.

It's working, but it's only going to end in tears. If they only sell stuff at reduced price surely the point will be reached where they order less stuff in the first place?

Some of it makes no sense though. Eg, 1 litre of paint full skim milk, 10p. Display until today, best before 7 days from today. What's that all about?
We bought one for idiot girl, as no suprise she likes the bloody awful stuff. Except.. Oh Ma Ma, why does this tea taste bloody awful?
Er, it's IG's Awful milk.

IG refused to have it as 'reduced', and even IG's dog wasn't stupid enough to drink it, so Ma Ma thought she'd dump it on me in the hope I wouldn't notice. Er, peal the reduced label off & put it in IG's fridge.

I did enjoy the 1/2 Kilo of perfect grapes for 10p. And the 6 pack of teacakes for 2p where perfectly fine, though Ma Ma usually refuses to buy reduced bread. Don't know why, it's still fine to use.

Methinks half the problem is the silly sub 10p pricing. If they charged more it wouldn't spiral downwards to the point where all people have is reduced stuff. It does feel 'nice' to have a full bag and have spent less than a pound though.

Idiot Update

I am officially poorer. And have had a nightmare morning.

Went to the bank. "we're closed, try our other branch". Went to bank #2.

Hello, I would like to make an instant transfer of lots of money from this account here...
Sorry, no can do, that's a savings account.
Ok, what about this business account here?
We cannot do that in branch, phone our helpline. Phoned them, yes we can do it, we will post you out the forms. Er, hardly an instant transfer if it's by post is it? That's the policy sir, bugger off.

Helpful lady in branch asks if it's ok. No, it isn't ok. I have lots of my money in your bank, and I can't spend it.

I then had an idea. Er, can I open an account that I am allowed to spend my money out of, so you can put my money in it, and then I'll instant transfer it out? Bev (for we are on first name terms by now) thinks it's a plan that may just work.

We open a new account. I'm missing out the bits where they ask everything including your shoe size, but I pass the credit check to open an account.

Ok, will just transfer the money out now. Success? Oh, no. Have to follow procedure... computer asks do I have the cash card for the account? Er, no, 'cos we only created it 5 minutes ago. Computer says no.

Bev phones helpline who spend about 40 minutes checking my dna, passport authenticity, etc etc before finally saying yes!

I nearly broke down and cried, and it's not even for me. I am officially 14K poorer and Idiot Girl now doesn't own a house.

So we phoned IG to tell her the news (this has taken about 2 hours by now). IG's idea of thanks is to snarl FINALLY! and slam the phone down.

Went to the shops, followed by a return to the bank to give Bev flowers.

Job done, just IG & car to sort out now, and I can get back to a peaceful life.

Groundhog minute

It's like groundhog day, but worse.

So idiot sister finds out that her house sale must complete tommorrow, but to do so the solicitors wants 14K of real money. Idiot girl has approx 57p. I am thus a target, as I save for the bright future that's just round the corner, honest.

Engage panic mode! This involves Ma Ma & Idiot Girl phoning a) solicitors, b)estate agents, c)bank, and d) each other.

D) is the killer. Because Ma Ma repeats to idiot girl everything she's said to a,b, &c. IG does likewise. Ma Ma then repeats the entire conversation to me. So I've heard it 3 times already. Then she spends the next hour either a) Saying shall I phone X, or b) rehashing everything that has been already said.

By the end of the day even though I've never met any of the people involved I feel I know them all intimately. I definately know exactly what they have said. I also feel the urge to destroy every phone I see. And to play this very loudly.

Of course Friday is also gonig to be fun. For 'tis off to the bank where I have to somehow sameday transfer £14,000 of my lovely hard earned money from my account that the bank staff are not allowed to talk to me about. (Internet management only).

Methinks it will be more groundhog fun. Send me positive vibes please if you have some to spare.

Foot. Gun.

Bang!

This guide brought to you with the help of Idiot Girl. (Naturally).

Situation is: still plenty of snow about, IG does not have her car. Yesterday she refused my car 'cos it wasn't defrosted and heated for her.

Today the queen arrives, and long suffering Ma Ma points out there is over 14 inches of snow on the back road where it is parked, and is IG sure she can actually drive it out backwards for 100 yards to the clearer roads?

IG tells Ma Ma to p*ss off and throws the keys in the snow and stomps off. Ma Ma doesn't do the logical thing of letting her (as she only hurts herself by walking), and gets your poor suffering narrator out of bed. I drive the car onto the main road. I then phone IG.

Do you want the car?
sweary sweary.
I'm not in the mood for your shit this early in the day. Do you want it, yes or no, or I'm putting it back away again.
Can I drive it?
Yes.
Can I drive it all day?
~sigh~ yes.
Fine! Phone slammed down.

Drove to IG's house. Here is the car IG. "Just drive me to the bus station"

By this point I've had enough of her games, and am not going to beg her to take it like she wants. I drive. Here we are, get out of my car, see you later!

But... I've not got wellies, I thought I would be driving!!!!!

You asked for the bus station, you get the bus station. Bye!

~~~~wavy lines~~~~~ (that's time passing you know)

It's now mid afternoon. IG presents a new problem. Can I lend her in the region of £14,000, and it must get to her solicitors by tommorrow or her house sale will fail.

Yes, I am stupidly trying to sort it. No I do think it's likely to happen. Somebody pass me something very good for headache curing plz?

Frozen doom

It's a warm -2 celsius tonight. Warm as for some reason the day was minus 3. Explain me that weather people.

Doom, as once again idiot girl's car is in for fixing. Fixed 2 days, so she breaks it good this time. The clutch pedal does nothing other than make extra grindy noises from the engine direction. So had to grab a mate and have it towed in for fixing.

Which means IG will be borrowing my car. Again with terror turned up to eleven. Frozen = ice patches plus it keeps snowing X IG stupid factor = I will be lucky if she doesn't stuff it thru a wall, or work her magic car killing skills on it.

The mechanic also did the world famous sucking air thru teeth noises, which is the internationally recognised method of telling you it's "gonna cost ya mate!". He also said be lucky to get it back this week as removing the gearbox is step 1) remove car. Step 2) you now have the gearbox left.

Plz to cross some digits for me.

Technology

My pc died earlier this week. So I'm on my 6 month old windows 7 laptop. It is hellish.

Being professionally cheap, I have an ancient deskjet 690c for a printer. This is because I print a lot of invoices etc for evilbay. Lots of printing = lots of ink, but 5 year out of date printer carts cost about £1.50 each. So I spend < £10 a year on ink.

Alll well and good, but modern computers only have usb ports. Ye olde HP is a proper LPT1 parallel port only printer. So I've had to use my other laptop to print. The one that is 200 mhz, and struggles to handle modern bloated webpages. It's been awful. 3 minutes each time to get to the point where I can print.

So I bought a USB to parallel magic converter thing. Use your old printer it says on the box. And you can.... If you don't mind it taking 5 minutes per page for it to transfer. You can almost hear the printer going "come on... give me more data to print you ####".

It's only taken me all week to think of it, but I now have the answer. Machine a) can print, but crap at rendering interweb. Machine b) is the opposite. Share the printer over the network,and each machine can do the part it's good at. Success!

I can't help thinking it would be a lot easier if new pc's still had lots of real ports...

***************
In other news, I have my car back from Idiot Girl, without any damage. yay! Fortunately the snow hasn't really reached here yet.

Everything crossed

Today I am loaning Idiot Girl my car while hers has water leak #3 hopefully fixed.
The weather is also forecast to include snow.

Thus I have everything crossed that I get my car back before the snow gets here. Yes it's a 4x4, but in IG's case this is a bad thing. 4x4 = goes better. Does not equal stops any better. IG isn't known for forwards planning so will think about the stop part when she needs to.

As it be lazy blogging day I give to you:
duran duran - girls on film (NSFW)



I remember seeing this version once the first time round at like, er, 3am. It was so close to pRon back then! Outrage! Ban this sick filth! And all that.

On lost friends

Monday was teh Misty's birthday. As is obvious by the lack of blog posts, she's given up blogging. But I left a "happy birthday" comment to her last abandoned post just in case she ever comes back. A bit like the gold record stuck on the voyager space probes, hopeful but probably futile. (And could result in the destruction of the earth by hostile alien forces)

I note nobody else commented, so I suspect that means I'm the only one stupid enough to keep track of dates relating to people who have moved on. I just hope she wasn't expecting peeps to comment, and then when they don't is upset by it.

I may also have done the snail mail present thing. Though when I think about it more perhaps I shouldn't have. Tis obvious she's not friends with me any more, and including a note that may have said between the lines "Oi Tina, stop wasting your bloody life and do something useful instead" may not have been the kindest thing to do.

Of course the real problem is I can over do it on playing the empathy game... I can think of several reasons why she's vanished, and how she could be feeling now. I hope she's blissfully happy watching tv, smoking and drinking lidl's cheapest industrial alcohol pretending to be wine every day. But I doubt it.

Busted

Or how Idiot Girl isn't quite as smart as she thinks.

Ma Ma arrives home from a shopping trauma trip with IG. Bad news! There is another problem with IG's car, the heater is now broken!!!!

Broken, how broken?

As in no hot air comes out of it, duh!

Elementary dear Watson. IG still has a leak on her vehicle (#3 if you#re counting). IG doesn't care. Ergo there is no water left to heat, and no heat is thus transferred to the interior of the car. To IG's, where we will confirm my hypothesis!

Sadly Ma Ma spoils my fun by phoning IG first and telling her my theory. We arrive to find IG with a fine manure eating grin on her face. You are wrong diddly wrong, for look! the car engine is full of water!

O reily? says the owl that happens to be passing by.

1) Why is the water in the expansion tank clear water coloured, and not very green with the green dye that is in the coolant system?

2) Why when I put my finger in it is it stone cold when the engine is hot?

You've filled it up after being tipped off by Ma Ma, and I will prove this now. Started engine, 15 seconds later it's green coolant, not clear water. Busted.....

Sorted for E's and whizz

So I did some thinking following yesterday's Wah! I can't see pulp post.

Thoughts included "I never do anything spontaneous that I want to", "I've never seen anyone I like live", "shoulda woulda coulda are the last words of a fool".

Upshot is, I've been on that there interwebs and observed pulp are also doing the wireless festival for a mere £55 a ticket. Tis in that there London. In happier times I may have asked teh Misty if she wants a day out. But those days are gone gone gone (woh ooo).

I don't want to go on my own, and thus have done potentially a very silly thing. Idiot Girl, my favourite (& only) sister, what are you doing next July?

Result: I have booked two tickets. A day out with IG. Must add masochism to my list of mental problems.

She came from Greece

She had a thirst for knowledge. Or so I'm told.

News reaches these parts that pulp are to reform. Woo?

When I was at uni their cd 'different class' was more like a constant background noise. Everywhere you went some student would be playing it. Goes and checks the photo archive....



This be a typical one room student place. In this case, it was Digger's (The girl with the excellent colour coordination skills).

Observe:
a) Jarvis Cocker poster.
b) Assorted student types.
c) Presence of half finished pints in the daytime.

I can hear common people in my head...

Er, where was I? Oh yes, pulp reforms. And it is announced they will be playing the Isle of Wight festival. No , I am not going. For assorted reasons. Bit beyond my powers to go there on my own. Bit beyond my wallet @ £150 a ticket, plus a large chunk of cash to get there, food etc.

Still, nice to dream eh?

On Names

Over the years I've been given several different names. True "oi you" may have featured heavily.

In my uni years I was "the Bettster", due to a sudden fashion of adding "ster" to people's names. (Craigster, Paulster etc. But strangely Biff was given Biffatolah Khomeini for a period).

In recent years I have reinvented myself as C'riz. It's short (less typing), sounds vaguely like my real name, and has a geek connection that I like. It's being my own alternate spelling of C'rizz (pronounced as "Keh-riz") from the big finish eighth doctor audio plays.

I was informed by the tutor on the stained glass course that the person that runs the only glass shoppe in town a) gives students a hard time and b) stupid nicknames. As he has the only glass shoppe it's inevitable you will go there at some point.
I have been twice now, and this week the tutor announced I have a new name. I am "the man who buys everything".

I'm not sure if this is because I have purchased all the basic tools & supplies you need to do the job, or because I purchased 4 kilos of assorted broken glass pieces. Prolly the latter.

But I know my limitations, so why not learn how to do it (aka get it wrong) on the cheapest glass you can get hold of? Having watched Sue basically smash a £6 sheet of glass into small bits by way of not listening to what she's told I'm glad to do it my way. It would hurt to ruin good glass to me.

I've also got a cunning plan, that will make the glass man think I'm totally barking. I noticed as well as the scrap glass, there was a big pile of very small (under 2 inches square) pieces of glass. I'm assuming this is also for sale at similar price to the bigger broken bits. Broken glass sells at £2.50 per kilo. I have observed there is someone selling small broken bits on evilbay successfully at £10 per kilo.
The capitalist in me says 4 X mark up = my glass is free from profits on selling his really small pieces. This time next year Rodney.....

Space bound

Caution: Sweary words.



I have this stuck on earworm to the max.

This bit:
I'm a space-bound rocketship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you
Right at you
250, 000 miles and a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you

without you
without you

Of course rockets have several possible uses. Exploration. The furthering of man's scientific knowledge. Or blowing things up. The Ronny Raygun solution.

Methinks next stained glass project has to be a rocket. It's like a message, or something.

Bullet in 'Nam

Something is happening with the house that Idiot Girl has (provisionally) sold for a huge loss.

Ma Ma went there today to find all the heating has been turned on full. As Idiot Girl is paying for the gas this is not a good thing. Engage Ma Ma wanting taking to the estate agents to retrieve all keys.

Followed by the possibility that someone has acquired a copy of the key. (Estate agents deny it was them). Ma Ma wants the alarm turning on. (Thinking they may have a key, but don't have the alarm code).

Ok... drove her to the house. I'll put the alarm on shall I? Actually no, pass me a gun so I can shoot myself in the head.

Ma Ma starts telling me a really long sequence of numbers you must enter to activate the alarm. Er Ma Ma, it says here on the alarm, "To activate press the full set button".

Ma Ma then goes into a long and rather boring story that Idiot Girl has a dog (true), and the alarm has been reprogrammed so you can deactivate some of the sensors so it won't detect the dog and so you must enter this long sequence to set the mode so it won't detect the dog.

Er... Ma Ma.... The dog is in Idiot Girl's other house... it doesn't live here... there are no dogs at all... ergo you don't have to turn off the sensors that would detect a dog, as you don't have one present to detect.

Ma Ma becomes angry and tells the long dog story again. I explain the absence of dog. Again.

Rinse and repeat a few times.

The alarm is now set, so invisible dogs won't trigger it. I got bored of hitting my head on the wall.

Boom boom

shake the room...

5th of November, 1605. One Guy Fawkes is captured avec large quantities of gunpowder, planned for the opening of parliament, destruction thereof.

The failed plot is celebrated to this day, by the common man showing how he can blow shit up in the comfort of his own yard. Your humble narrator also suggests it likely that at some point it went from celebrating failure to wishful thinking of someone doing it right this time and getting rid of the bloody government.

Of course the house of C'riz had to take part in this ritual. Locally it is traditional to go out and buy some bloody huge industrial grade explosive devices, ignore the label that says spectators must be at least 100 yards away, and set them off 10 foot from your house.

C'riz does not follow this tradition. Instead we buy the ones with the bad engrish labels that technically are safe to use in a small garden. Of course being cheap does not always mean cheerful.

This years highlights where the rockets. Whoosh! Up shoots the rocket. Boo, it didn't go bang! Rocket is overcome by the effects of gravity and comes earthwards.... until it's 10 foot up and it then goes boom!
Hmmm, this is not how things are supposed to work. It could also be described as bloody dangerous. Lateral thinking is engaged, and the launcher tube realigned. They now follow a beautiful parabolic arc, over the fence and explode in next doors garden. The fence shields us from the blast, and we get our own back for the week of demolition next door has undertaken.

After decimating their garden we moved onto more peaceful chinese lanterns. Light the wick, wait and then watch as the paper balloon gracefully floats into the night sky. Bliss.

Lets do another one! Lights lantern, up it goes. We comment on how high they go, really high. Look it must be windy up there as our lantern is rocking fairly violently. Oh dear, the lantern appears to have had a hole burnt in the side. It's coming back down! It's coming back down really fast. That lantern (*cough*, whoever it belongs to) appears to be a flaming ball of fiery death.

The gift of fire is bestowed approx 300 yards away. Fortunately nothing appears to catch fire following 'splashdown', but it was an interesting experiment in ye olde worlde siege weapons.

We now await retribution from persons living nearby.

It's a sin

When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame

Sad face

After the triumphant visit to the glass shoppe, this weekend I decided to set up things in my studio (Sounds better than cleared a bit of space in the garage non?)

Ahead, groove factor five!
Soldering iron plugged in, and work commences on my project. This bit goes well, I don't start any fires or injure myself. I feel good.

I know, lets try cutting some of that funky glass I got from the scrap pile. Pick up cutter, drop cutter on floor, feel the horror as the cutter smashes into two pieces. I feel bad.

Engage sad face. £28 of cutting tool that has cut, er nothing whatsoever is now a broken piece of plastic that is bleeding oil on the floor. The worst part isn't the loss of the money. It's I can't go back and buy another one as they will want to know what happened to the one I bought last week?

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