Tired

Idiot Girl is wearing me down again.

First problem is she wants some ZOMG!!! illegal mega bright light bulbs fitting to her car. The exact same ones she left in her old car. But no problem, I can drive to the store to buy them, Ma Ma can pay for them (£26), and then I can fit them.

So I read the manual for the car. How to change headlight bulb:
Open bonnet.
Remove rubber cover from headlight.
Disconnect wiring plug.
Change bulb. Refitting is reverse of removal.

This is a load of fetid dingo's kidneys! Said car is built in Korea, and I suspect they use small children to fit the headlights. There is exactly 2 inches of space behind the headlight. Surrounded by sharp metal objects. I have large hands. Large hands that now resemble a relief map of the moon. A bleeding gouged oily moon. 45 minutes to change 2 bulbs!

She then wears me down by remote control. This weekends KEG is she's going camping. The weather is forecast to be solid rain. Perchance this is not one of her better plans.

The first phone call is she wants cool box packs. To freeze for the morning. The house is turned upside down looking for them. They're not in the cool box. Or anywhere else. Several hours later Ma Ma remembers she lent them to Idiot Girl last time she had similar stupid ideas and they never came back. (Idiot Girl like to borrow other people's things and destroy / lose/ throw them away).

The phone rings again. Idiot girl wants cooking oil. To cook outside her tent in the pouring rain.

Ma Ma finds a bottle of cooking oil. Ma Ma decides to put a small quantity in a small bottle. Ma Ma dicks around trying to dry the inside of the bottle with a towel. Ma Ma, stop dicking around, there is <2ml of moisture in there, it's not going to harm the oil. Ma Ma ignores me and continues to dick around.

Ma ma adds the oil. The oil now has floating bits of towel in it. throw it away and start again. No! Ma Ma must dick around some more!

Tea strainer! That won't work Ma Ma, too big holes! Dick Dick!
Coffee filter! Too small holes, it will take all night! Dick Dick!
Paper towel!
2 layers of paper towel!
etc etc.

30 minutes later I am losing the will to live. Get in my car, I will take you to the shop to buy new oil for Idiot Girl to cook in the rain! No! I want to annoy you more!

And RELAX.

My only hope is Idiot girl decides to cook inside the tent to avoid the rain, burns the sodding thing to the ground and never goes camping again! That or I have got a brain tumour.

Apollo 13

or Houston we've got a problem... or six.

Friday was moderately awful.

I finally got my tax figures from the accountant, and paid the tax online. Sadly this was the easy bit, as I've also got to phone tax credits and tell them how much I made. The rest of the world is also doing this so it's a soupcon busy in their call centre methinks. So they're playing a game.

Ring ring... Hello... please select from the following options... You've selected 4!.... please select from the following options... you've selected 3! ... please select from the following options... You've selected 1!.... did you know you can get help on our website? Please make sure you have your national insurance number ready.... this call may be recorded for training purposes..... our call centre is available from 8 to 8 every day.... All our operatives are busy... please call again later... goodbye! ~click~

yes, 5 minutes of crap and it cuts you off. So of course I phoned back again. And being clever I'd written down the answers, so I could just press 4,3,1 without waiting for the robot woman. This time they are busy, but I am put on hold.

20 minutes later, and I have to stop being on hold as my mobile is ringing. Tis glass class lady, glass class is cancelled. Bum. For two weeks! Double bum.

Back on hold for another 20 mins, and yay, the nice scottish man grills me, and then pronounces I have passed and my record has been updated.

Also had problems with my new toy. Saturday noticed it's slow to start turning. Investigation reveals the motor drive built is too slack. The adjustment bolts are a) really inaccessible, b) tightened to high torque and c) made of soft easily destroyed metal. By the time the job was done I have a hand which resembles a map of the moon.

Sunday new toy is still bothering me. It's too darn loud. Sounds like a cement mixer full of ball bearings. So I take the gearbox top cover off to find the reason is there's no bloody oil in the headstock. Well, maybe 1/4 inch in the bottom, when it should be about 4 inches deep. So game over until I can get the correct oil tomorrow.

I'm also losing to a cold. Thus I have the steady dripping nose thing.

I have an earworm too. I will share it with you now.



Bonus points if you can spot the pointless lyric censorship...

I've got two tickets to iron maiden baby....

Ow.

At the end of May I went with teh Misty for a weekend away. We all know how that ended (emphasis on end...) but I also somehow managed to hurt my knee in the process.

For 4 weeks my knee was making audible clonks, but I could live with that. Take the anti inflammatory tabs and it will go away....

Wrong! It stopped clonking overnight. And instead decided dull pain + random argh! stabbing pain would be better. So phoned the doctors who tell me there may be an appointment in 6 weeks time, but don't bet on it. And if it hurts I have their permission to phone up every morning in the hope that someone has died while waiting for their appointment and I can take it.

Today was my lucky day! So I hobbled there to see what the experts say...

Lie on my bed thing. Does it hurt if I bend it this way? No, it hurts when I put weight on it. and really hurts when I go down stairs. What about if I bend it that way? Nope!

Result: Industrial grade anti inflammatory tabs. If not fixed in 3 weeks go back at the next available dead guy appointment to be referred to physiotherapy. Of course now it's night it's hurting like hell itself. Delayed reaction to the nice man giving it some twisting methinks.

And if that's not enough medical excitement tomorrow I get to have my eyes tested have them attempt to pimp me the latest designer frame specs.

I'm not looking forwards to growing old as I think I'll be dead by then.

Bugger

Bugger to N decimal places.
Today is not looking like a good day.

Next door neighbour knocked on the door, can I move my car for 10 mins?
Ok.... Moves car.. "bong bong bong" goes car and the dash lights up like a Xmas tree. This be going to be expensive, and I can't put it on the credit card as yesterday the credit card people phoned up to tell me my card details have been stolen and it doesn't work any more. So no credit until they send a new one in 14 days.

I then get a phone call where I get bollocked for being out of the house for five whole minutes. Turns out Idiot Girl is now sitting in the hospital A+E department, as it would appear the plates holding her leg together, er, aren't.

So I've now got the entertainment of the Ma playing "what if?" and "We should go there... text Idiot Girl this stupid message" etc, when Idiot Girl has said stay put here until she tells us to come. So eventually Ma will a) drive me nuts, and b) go there even though told to stay away, and big shouty things will happen in the hospital.

Somebody plz, shoot me thru the head, I don't want to live...

Tubetastic Thursday - Woodpeckers from space

I'm still not feeling too well, and there are important things for the weekend. Important, terrifying things. So have to hope for improvement soon..

But as I'm suffering, I think it's only fair that everyone else does too. 80's style..

I bring to you:
Video kids - woodpeckers from space



Now there's a song you couldn't make today.... Besides the random awfulness of it, there's also the would get zapped by the copyright police factor.

The 7 inch starts with a speak n spell sample of w-o-o-d-p-e-c-k-e-r. Entertainingly, if you have spotify installed there is a cover version on there. A cover version of something this bad. They make it worse than the original by not being able to afford a speak n spell, so get a bloke to pretend to be one instead.... Most odd.

Can you think of anything worse than this?