Does what it says on the tin

As the old ronseal slogan used to go. But I'm not talking varnish here.

I'm talking toothbrushes. Mine has lost it's shaking skills due to the battery failing so it only holds charge for a day. Of course in the modern world we live in the battery isn't replaceable. As this is something that is held in close proximity to my face I'm not going to attempt to bodge it just in case it happens to blow up. Not that explosions are common with my work. (Cough).

So. New one required. Ma-ma has an all singing all dancing one. Why don't I get one of those?

So onto the interweb. Hers now isn't all singing any more. Their crack team of rocket surgeons have created an even more powerful dead brilliant device, the oral-b triumph 5000! A very close second to the clean that only the dentist can produce, available for you to enjoy at home.

Throwing caution to the wind, I bought one. And I can confirm it is very much like a visit to the dentist.

To whit:

• It cost £90 on special offer. RRP £150. Genuine dentist blow to the wallet.

• Just like a visit to the dentist, my gums are bleeding. This will "probably" stop in a few days the manual advises.

• Uber giant oscillating head is great for catching other teeth with and giving that bone jarring sensation of fear.

• Genuine dentist style patronising smart guide system! Using RFID technology a separate display unit tells you when you're doing it wrong, and issues a smiley face when you get it right, and your two minutes of recommended bleeding are over.

• Bewildering array of accessory brushes.

I'm told I will get used to it. I'm not so convinced. It could be good for cleaning alloy wheels though.

Encounter in aisle 23.

Today I took the Ma shopping at tescos. Aisle 23: breakfast cereal. We want porridge, at the other end.

Halfway down there is a woman. Who keeps getting in my way whilst looking at a box of fruit n fibre. After several attempts to get around her I stop in the hope she will go away. She then deposits her box of cereal in my trolley.

"Er, wrong trolley" was all I could say. Methinks she was too engrossed in reading the nutritional values to look what she was doing.

The odd thing is I'm more embarrassed than she was. I don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of this human interaction thing.

I am so tired

It's 3am, and although I should go to bed, I'm not doing.
Downsides of this include:

Metallic taste in mouth.

Reading ebay descriptions, but the voice in my head is saying them with a welsh accent. A bit like that woman off hi-de-hi.

Evans loses one million listeners

Clicky: Evans loses one million listeners

Did you check behind the fridge?

(Sorry. Just a sudden attack of schadenfreude at the failure of the annoying tosser.)

Tubetastic Thursday: I got 5 on it

I'm in pain because of a 'charity' bloodsucker.

Time: 7 am
Place: bed
Action: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Suddenly there's a huge clang as someone slams the house gate violently. I awake with a huge start, and jar my shoulder. Who's slamming the hell out of my gate? Why?

Investigation reveals it's some idiot delivering yet another "please give us clothes for the starving millions" bag scams. We get a gajilion of these posted every week.

The scam is they're made to look like it's for charity, but if you read the small text you will notice there isn't a registered charity number at all. This is because these scumbags pretend to be charity, you give them clothes which they then sell for vast profits for themselves.

So now I have a painful shoulder. Boo.

Onto Tubetastic Thursday. I bring to you:
Luniz- I got 5 on it.



Normally I'm not very much into rap type stuff. But this is good. It's refreshing to not have every other word be about bitches, guns or the F word. Ok, it's drugs to the max, but you can't have everything.

Woo!

The new drill spring arrived, and with a bit of fettling it fits and works! Yay, I can make holes again!

Slightly less pleasant, had to go to Idiot Girl's and fit more ram to her pc. Just looking at this keyboard makes me feel dirty. The bad kind of dirty. Filthy child!




Whatever you do, don't view large unless you've had a recent tetanus shot.

Lucky me

Maybe.

On Saturday a spring went boing! in my drill and broke. Sadly I need my drill a lot as my 'job' involves making lots of holes every day.

So I searched on the interweb, and discovered the people who made it have the attitude of if there things break you should throw them away and buy a new one. No spare parts.

This is not a philosophy I believe in. It's important to repair things until they can be repaired no more, as there is only a finite amount of raw materials that shouldn't be wasted. I'm tight too.

So I've been to the shops and found a similar machine made by someone else that has a similar looking part fitted. Phoned their helpline and they can supply for £10 delivered. So hopefully tomorrow will be my lucky day, and £10 of parts saves £200 of new machine.

Tubetastic Thursday: DDDBMT

Before I start with the lazy blogging day, a tale of Idiot Girl.

The other day Idiot Girl complained her printer was not printing her uber important document, and was smearing all the text. Have you tried cleaning it idiot girl? Of course, I'm not stupid.

So today I went to see what the problem was. Printed a test page, the colours are ok but black is awful. A bit like this keyboard.. it's full of crisps, biscuit fragments and other things I don't even want to think about. Hang on... so is the rest of the room... apart from the printer.

Kerching! That was the penny dropping for you too? Yes, Idiot Girl has cleaned the printer casing, not the print heads. One clean cycle later and it's back printing.

Onto Tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Dave Dee, dozy, beaky, mick and tich - The legend of xanadu



A 'friend' of mine bought me their greatest hits cd as an oh so funny birthday present. Sadly he'd underestimated just how much of a sick bunny I am when it comes to music, and I quite liked it.

Trivia:
Alternate universe rich Dave Lister in red dwarf calls his home Xanadu in reference to this song, and not the movie Citizen Kane.

Dave Dee is deado. I think the rest of them are still alive.

You can drive your neighbours insane by playing this followed by Olivia Newton-John's Xanadu over and over again. It's only fair after their children got recorders and only managed to go "parp parp parp" badly.

I will remember you

No, I'm not stopping teh blog. How could I let down my 1 follower? Or the people who visit for "broken leg girl porn"? (google, you're getting it wrong).

I'm giving up on little miss M. Yes, I may have got it wrong a bit, but I said I was sorry. (even if I'm not totally convinced I was wrong, lets forget it and move on).

After weeks of no reply to emails & no response to texts I got the courage today to try and phone. And I hate phones. Hate them with a fiery vengeance. But it goes to answer message.

So I'm giving up. I wouldn't be as hurt if I got one reply by carrier pigeon that said to go away, but when it's the silent treatment, well I don't know what to think? It's sod off? She's gone nutso again and not talking to anyone? I just don't know. Short of a train ticket to Londinium I've no other way of finding out, so there's no choice but to give up really.

I know she will never read this, but even if you're not my friend any more I will still be yours. I'm here if you decide you want me after all. I will remember you.....

Technology

I hate it today.

The past few days I've been thinking that pooter is making a lot of noise. It got on my nerves enough today that I opened the side and vacuumed out the dust & dead things, and then went on to find out which fan has dried out bearings.

Except, tis not a fan. Tis yon hard drive. The one that's making the rumbly noise and shaking. This cannot be a good thing. Fortunately it's only an old small one, so copied the data elsewhere and fixed it by unplugging. I can now hear a screaming fan that it was masking, but not bad enough to take it apart again.

I've also bought a fonero. Decided it was time I added wireless to the house, and it has geek features that appeal to me. More technology hate as I struggle to set it up. Turns out my software firewall doesn't like it and was quietly throwing toys out the pram so it wouldn't work.

Got it going, and was shocked! shocked! I tell you, to discover there are 4 more wireless networks available to my house. I am the child on the slow bus. Late to the popular kids party.

Where did I lose it? I's been online from when mosaic was the browser of choice. Back when normal people didn't have pooters. Back when you typed "Eat shit and die" into search, and was actually shocked at the resulting website...

But the common man has over taken me. I feel old.

Too much of a good thing

We went to the park today. To do (boring) car club related things. Took Idiot girl's dog, and watched it run about like a loon for a bit.

And it's a fairly nice day. So I said lets have an ice cream. Ma says to only get a medium one as you get lots. Ok.. two medium cornets plz.

Ma has never been more accurate. Medium (cost £1.75 ea) is more like bloody huge. Width at interface with cornet is approx 5 inches. Ice cream is then piled on to a height of about 7 inches in a badly balanced cone shape. This is the largest ice cream I've ever had in my life. Even bigger than they appeared at age three.

Snag is, normally you have to eat ice cream fairly fast to get thru it before it melts everywhere. But this is huge. Hugely huge! I rapidly have the cold food headache, and the size appears to have diminished not a jot.

By the time I've finished it, I'm sure the ice cream seller is actually being paid to put people off buying ice cream ever again. A bit like the child caught smoking being forced to smoke a gajillion cigs as punishment. I'll be honest, halfway thru I was tempted to accidentally drop it on the floor.

Ma tells me afterwards that Idiot Girl always has at least one of said ice creams on every visit to the park. And she visits regularly. No wonder she's got an arse the size of a bus.

I know what's coming next. This post useless without pictures. Well, when Idiot Girl returns I will go with her back to said park, and get photos. Not sure I'll have another myself.

Bring me edelweiss

I'm an ebay powerseller. It's my job. This means I have to professionally deal with the stupid and rude on a daily basis.

Today's idiot wound me up though. I quoth:

(idiot) has sent a question about: Item not Received
Have you only just posted it today? I bought it on the 18th

Yes, it was posted to you today (Wednesday). That's why you got an email telling you "It's been posted today!"

The 18th was Sunday. Whilst the poor drones at the supermarket are working the post office, good old British institution that it is isn't. The listing says posted within 3 working days. Monday - 1, Tuesday - 2, Wednesday - 3..... Ask a grown up to help you if you're struggling with the counting.

The worst of it is, 4 morons like this in a 3 month period, and I lose my fee discount for not toadying around twunts enough.

AND RELAX.

As it's Thursday now, I bring to you:
Edelweiss - Bring me edelweiss



Now you may be thinking that's familiar???? Or you may not.

Of course this is more than a soupcon rip off of Abba's SOS. But it's supposed to be, for 'tis a song created by following the rules in the KLF's manual.

Stevie Wonder

No new year's day, to celebrate....

So I went to the opticians. And as usual there has been a change of staff so you get a new optician who hasn't read your notes at all. So you get to make him pause on the questions that most people go no no no to. But I go yes, yes, yes!

Anyone diabetic in the family? Er, it's a shorter list of the people who aren't. Even shorter if you go for people who aren't who are still alive... Ditto other boring medical things.

Any problems with double vision? *sigh* Yes... read my notes... I go wonky in the range up to 18 inches. Oh yes, you do appear to be wonky...

So as usual ask what the prognosis is, and as usual nothing he can do for me. I could have some specs made for reading with only that I won't be able to see to walk around with. Been there, got the t shirt, they're no use at all unless I want to get sudden headaches.

Well I could try these eye exercises... The same ones I've been trying for the past four years? Yes, they don't work either.

But on the brightside he was a very nice man, and did listen to me without trying to rush thru it as fast as possible. And he didn't try to sell me more specs with the lie that perhaps the current ones are a bit scratched and new ones would sharpen things up a bit.

He was also a Sikh. If I ever feel the need to go for religion, I'd consider Sikh. Those bangles are pretty cool.

Ow.

At the end of May I went with teh Misty for a weekend away. We all know how that ended (emphasis on end...) but I also somehow managed to hurt my knee in the process.

For 4 weeks my knee was making audible clonks, but I could live with that. Take the anti inflammatory tabs and it will go away....

Wrong! It stopped clonking overnight. And instead decided dull pain + random argh! stabbing pain would be better. So phoned the doctors who tell me there may be an appointment in 6 weeks time, but don't bet on it. And if it hurts I have their permission to phone up every morning in the hope that someone has died while waiting for their appointment and I can take it.

Today was my lucky day! So I hobbled there to see what the experts say...

Lie on my bed thing. Does it hurt if I bend it this way? No, it hurts when I put weight on it. and really hurts when I go down stairs. What about if I bend it that way? Nope!

Result: Industrial grade anti inflammatory tabs. If not fixed in 3 weeks go back at the next available dead guy appointment to be referred to physiotherapy. Of course now it's night it's hurting like hell itself. Delayed reaction to the nice man giving it some twisting methinks.

And if that's not enough medical excitement tomorrow I get to have my eyes tested have them attempt to pimp me the latest designer frame specs.

I'm not looking forwards to growing old as I think I'll be dead by then.

Concrete

I want some.

Or more precisely I want to extend my garage, and fix a few other things that need immovable rock like fixing methods.

So I've bought from evilbay* one second hand concrete mixer machine. This could be seen as a lazy approach.
It could also be totally and utterly bloody stupid as a) I haven't a clue how it works (other than it goes round) and there's no manual and b) I don't know what the recipe is for concrete. Water. Cement. Sand. Few rocks. Dash of herbs to taste?

Methinks a trip to the DIY shoppe is in the near future. The one with the DIY for idiots leaflets. I can pretend to be getting them for somebody else.

*evilbay:
What ebay should really be called. Extra amusement points are gained when getting other people to say it. Being a 'tard I find it difficult to phone people I don't know. So the Ma gets the job. Ma, phone these people plz, I've bought a flux capacitor off evilbay.... Record was the time she said evilbay on the phone 3 times, and then again when we went to collect. The man had the "get these insane people off my property" look in his eyes.

Take the L

Frankly, it's not good news at chez C'riz.

Got an email from the seller of my rather expensive lathe. It is, he claims, unfixable. So I can have my money back, or wait five weeks while the slow boat from China brings more of them that hopefully do work.

This is not good, as if I take the cash I've still spent about £250 on other things for it that would then be useless. But if I wait I could get another lemon. It's a hard choice, but I've gone for wait. Better the devil I know and all that.

Sadness is felt, as a certain Miss. M continues to confuse and confound me. If I had half a brain I would move on and do something else and forget she ever existed. Oh look, flying porcines.

I have also bought a large quantity of plastic ducks. Which I know will sell over time, and was at 25% off normal price. Still feels rather scary spending £500 on toys though.

Enough about my boring life. You're (maybe) here for tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
The motels - Take the L




It's true you know, take the L out of Lover and you do indeed get Over. Maybe they could have had a verse that goes "Add a C and it's clover"? Can you think of any more?

Youtard must also be psychic as well, as miserable alone me gets the in video advert that says "Have you signed up for plenty of fish yet?" No. I don't do dating sites thankyuovurrymuchC'rizhasleftthebuilding.

Lily Allen C*ck Punch

Lily Allen needs a punch in the cock. Ok, so maybe she hasn't got a penis like ladyboy gaga allegedly has, but if she has, she needs a punch there.

Now you may be wondering, C'riz, why the hate on poor Lily?

Well, actually up to now I've not cared much about her. She has "clever" lyrics, and sings in a whiny way. Which is fine if you like that sort of thing. To me all her songs blend into one indistinguishable whine. "Riding through the city on my whine when I see you cry it's not fair and I think you're really whine." Like that.

I'm annoyed about her 'featuring' on the latest KILLING TO DEATH of 'just be good to me'. Without her or some other 'name' to stick on it, it probably wouldn't have happened, or at least would not do as well.

I hate remakes like this. The formula is of course simple. Take a good song. Have someone mumble rubbish / rap / hip hop / sounds a bit like like eminem over the top of it, add a bit of masked swearing, dash of the hook from the original, and voila! Another song ruined.

Moaning ends.

Wind of change

Well, that was a fun week. Lie mode cancel...

Last week I went and brought home my rather expensive new toy. I would have blogged about it, apart from one problem, namely it's bloody useless. The more I played with it, the more problems became obvious.

So tomorrow the man who sold it me is coming to take it away again, and allegedly fix everything that is wrong with it. I'm not holding out much hope. He is of the type when it comes to pooters he's looking for the any key. I on the other hand, happen to have a very logical mind, and a degree in pooters & engineering jiggery pokery. I don't know exactly what's wrong with it, but I do know it isn't what he thinks it is.

Quite what happens next I'm not sure. I suspect he'll randomly swap bits and then tell me it's fixed even if it isn't. I think most normal people would be getting annoyed, but I don't do that sort of thing. Depressed, yes, shouty angry, no.

Anyways, I wanted to share an earworm with you. I was driving to asda, and this came on the radio. I've not heard it for ages, and spent most of the time in asda signing (badly) to myself. As it was late night, and there is only the shelf stacking people and a few customers I'm sure I was even more obviously a loon than normal. But c'est la vie.

I bring to you:
Scorpions - wind of change



Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change

If your tingly bits aren't tingling by now, then you're dead. Or never bought an 80's soft rock album.

Tales of the blatently obvious

As a child my dear father would never allow me to watch "tales of the unexpected" beyond the title bit. I think it was because he was afraid I'd suss it and make him look a (bigger) plank for not getting it even when it was explained in great detail to him.

The only one I can remember seeing was the first one, the bet your finger against my car that your lighter will light 10 times in a row one. Where the OMG shock was it wasn't his car, it belonged to his missus, who, Argh! was missing fingers! I wonder how that happened eh?

But the title theme was awesome, and I bring it to you now:



Woo! Wasn't that naked-lady-silhouette-tastic?

The theme was written by one Ron Grainer. Award yourself a small quantity of strawberries if you can think of another theme he wrote. Or a Big D hat if you can't.

Additional bonus related video thing:

Tubetastic Thursday - lost in the 50's tonight

To celebrate this spurt of blogging, I'm bringing back the youtube lazy crutch.

I bring to you:
Ronnie Milsap - Lost in the 50's tonight



Ok, so it's a stolen rework of the five satins - in the still of the night, but I still like it.

Dr Why?

Attention persons who a) watch doctor who, and b) haven't seen episode 11- the lodger.

I have advice for you:
Purchase a can of paint. Magnolia is always a good colour choice, neutral, goes well with anything. Paint something. Watch it dry. Just don't watch ep. 11 or you will regret it.

You may be asking, but why is it so awful? I'll tell ya...

Schwiiiing Amy Pond spends the entire episode doing nothing but practise her star trek wobbly camera thing in the tardis. They could have given her this episode off and saved a couple of quid. "cheerio then Amy, see you when you've done your shopping!" would have been a lot more believable.

There is a fat man as "guest star". I don't know who he is without looking at the credits, but it obvious he's supposed to be funny, and perhaps is on other stuff on tv. Fat blokes are always funny. Ha Ha.

The "problem that must be resolved" makes NO BLOODY SENSE AT ALL.

So the alien ship thing is killing peeps as it attempts to find someone suitable as a pilot. Ok, this is bad and should be stopped. BUT... if it does find a pilot it will take off, and destroy the universe in the process.... HUH??????

So you're telling me in some alien society they build a spacecraft, look at our new wonderful space craft! There's only the tiny flaw that every time it leaves somewhere that place gets totally destroyed, but it's only a minor flaw.... Best only build one to see how it goes... oops, we appear to have wiped ourselves out launching it...

And if you can accept that nonsense, how does it tie in to Amy (in the tardis), in a totally different place will get doomed into the vortex if said ship launches???

Trust me on the magnolia.

What's the damage?

I don't know, the damage report machine's been damaged.

While on my fruitless trip yesterday an annoying alert light kept coming on my dash. Flicker flicker flicker. Stays on a bit. Flicker.

So today I looked it up, just in case it means something important. It's telling me there is water in my diesel. This cannot be a good thing.

So I googled what to do next. And the answer is the light has two functions, not one. One function is indeed to tell you there is water in your fuel. The other function is to tell you that the water in fuel sensor has failed. Suggested course of action, drain the filter and see if there's any water there.

Naturally, I have no water. But do have a bit of a dilemma. I can 'fix it' by unplugging the sensor so the light stays off. But what if I ever really did get water, and didn't know about it? That could be bad... But so's £30 for a sensor that goes wrong like clockwork according to some sources.

So continues the love / hate car relationship.

On not getting new toys

Just in case you want to save some time: New toy, I have not got.

Longer story:
A few weeks back I went to the model engineering exhibition. And there is a man, selling cnc lathes. £2600 each says his sign. I want one. I want one bad. So I do my very best attempt at being human and ask him questions, which actually went quite well considering. Prolly 'cos once I get into geek zone, or engineer zone I forget I'm scared of humanity, and feel confident to talk geek.

The man says, make an appointment, come to my workshop, try one out working and if you like it give me money and take it away. For the win!

So today I went to his workshop. Saw it working. Yes, I would like one of your machines, here be my credit card, my car is outside, plz to load it up.

"Oh, I can't do that!" he says. Er, why not?

Apparently I have to bring the pc I want to make it work to him first, and he has to prove it works with my pc before I'm allowed to take one away. Otherwise I will get home and plug it into my pc and it won't work and I will be too stupid to work out why and will phone him up and it will be awful.

Of course as I'm terrified of phones I wouldn't be phoning him under any circumstances. And getting things to work that don't is all part of the fun surely?

But no. He won't sell to me today. So no new toy. It's also annoying that I've lost a day that I should have been working, and £40 worth of diesel, and I get to do it again next week.

*cough*

Well, that worked brilliantly. Not. Blogging by mobile when you have a) a rubbish mobile and b) are on an island that has naff all signal, not the best of plans.

So I'm back. There is a huge amount of (boring, physical day job) work to do before I can even begin to think about fun things like going thru my photos.

Did I have fun? Yes... and no. Parts where great, but my twisted mind won't allow me to enjoy things, and so the bad bits are magnified.

There's also the sad bit of confirmation of what I really knew all along, but wouldn't allow myself to believe was true. I feel hurt, but more sad that it is so. I suppose it shows that I only believe the best in people. Or that I'm just a fool for a pretty face.

Isn't technology brilliant?

No. No it isn't.

On Friday I'm off on a quest. I may have mentioned it before (cough) to visit the land of the Misty, & steal her away to exciting places full of fun.

I then thought, I could do a Psuedonymph and blog as I go. True, not as exciting a trip, but well, I don't do excitement.

Snag #1 is I don't have a Jesus phone. I'm lucky my rather olde LG manages to make voice calls actually. The interweb browsing on it is a bit pants to say the least. But fear not! You can email your posts to blogger, and it will do magic things and your post will appear!

Which leads to snag #2: The emails a bit rubbish on it too. But I can run movamail to get round that, yay! Except it doesn't publish the attached photos like it should... Well, more like attach a photo and it does nuffin.

But you can't keep a geek down, and I have a work around for it. Movamail > flickr, and flickr will then automagically give blogger a kick up the bum and post the pic for me.

Well, it may all work. I may even be having too much fun to do it all....

I'm very tired now, but I feel I must also share something with you... this:


Not sure exactly why I love this, but it is brilliant to N decimal places. Yes it is. YES!

Test

Test test
--
Sent from my Mobile phone via http://www.movamail.com.
Get your Mobile IM (MSN/Yahoo/AIM/ICQ/GTalk/QQ/More) at http://www.movamessenger.com.

Runaway Train

That's time, that is. Starts out slow and safe, and then hurtles you to your doom.

I will explain.

~Wavy lines back to 16th February~
I suggest to the duck obsessed one that perhaps it would be fun for all to meet up and go do something. Teh Misty likes this idea. Time at this point is in treacle mode, as there be a clash between my obsessive need to plan everything, and Misty's desire to sort it out sometime.

But we worked it out to everyone's satisfaction, and all I have to do is wait. Time continues to stagnate. The days crawl on, but it still feels like years away.

Until today. Now some git has engaged the warp drive, and it's all getting very scary very fast. I don't have enough time. Two weeks left, and I've got to get my car repaired & MOT'd. I need to see a man about some rather expensive machinery I want to buy. The day job is backing up with fools who don't know what they want, but buy it anyway as they can make it my problem to sort out. I also need to plan how I'm going to shut down the job and dare to take time off.

I'm sure it will all work out fine, but in the mean time it would be fair to say I'm not actually enjoying it that much. Still, if at the end Misty tells me she's had a nice time (and isn't lying out of politeness) it will have been worth it.

You're still here? Have an earworm then:

Liar Liar

pants on fire!

Someone once told me, liars should have good memories. There is another rule that Idiot Girl doesn't appear to have grasped either, "Make it remotely believable".

All the times skiving off skool, you'd think she would have learned "abducted by aliens" isn't a very good reason.

Onto the lie of the day..... observe this:



This is what happens when your neighbourhood has the worlds most stupid car thieves. The ones that try to steal a car that doesn't work and hasn't moved for 5 years or so. Durrr.. it doesn't work.... lets set it on fire!

The observant of you will have spotted there be garages behind it.




This is one of the garages. It is owned by idiot girl. It now sports a classy two tone paint job by yours truly, as the heat from the fire has made the paint fall off, and no paint = rust.

I would now like you to brace yourself for the lie. Ready?

"Someone set fire to that car and my garage is totally destroyed! There's nothing left, even the walls fell down!"

Can you perhaps spot the slight flaw in the above lie?

Wow Idiot Girl! How awful for you.... and how lucky are you that the insurance company has in the space of half an hour built an exact replica of your original garage!

Oh!..... but....... I'm going to claim on the insurance for a new garage anyway. It's almost destroyed. A bit...... And it's..... smoky.

Idiot Girl.... do not believe...

Almost suckered

So I went to that there asda in search of bargains bargains much cheapness.



Oh! Flavoured milk, 2 for £2 it says in big letters. This has to be for the win I thinks. Milk, supposed to be good for you, and banana (flavour) surely counts as one of 5 fruits a day, and it's cheaper too!

Sound fx: Needle being dragged across a 45.

Hang on a minute.... 1 bottle costs £1. So while two for £2 is legally accurate, it's not much of an offer...

I still bought one bottle, and wondered off humming "Won't get fooled again". That's the limit of excitement round these parts.

Tubetastic Thursday: London Calling

Well now I've done it. The post today brings me a shiny train ticket. Which says in big letters "not refundable", so looks like I'm going to have to go through with my plans.

I'm scared, and excited. But mostly scared.
To normal people it's probably quite simple.

Train to that there Londinium.
Tube to teh Misty house. Hello Misty, how are you today?
Fun, fun, fun! Sun sun sun.

To me it's all very terrifying. But I must do it if I am to beat the mental gremlins. I want to, but it's coming closer to the cliff edge than is perhaps safe.

To add to the terror, there is an element of fancy dress. I was mentally scarred as a child when the parents decided to enter me in some sort of competition, dressed as a post box. A post box made out of red paper that turned me red when it rained. I've not done fancy dress since, so this could get interesting.

Still, nearly two months left to get my sh*t together.

Anyways, as I be going to Londinium, I bring to you:
The clash - London calling


This is, of course, from before my time, as I'm only a young 'un. But I can still recognise a classic when I hear it.

Seduced

by the idiot box. I haz been.

I normally don't watch tv, who cares about the lives of imaginary persons? But this easter, well, it's been a orgy of cathode rays.

Firsty: Ashes to ashes. Not sure I'm too convinced by the "I was in a coma, in my coma" explanation of why she's back in 1983.

2: CSI (illegal download version). Ok, so I actually watch this all the time, but been a while while waiting for them to get round to making new episodes. Mildly annoying / doesn't ring true this week though.
Archie falls over a body, and 10 mins later is back doing the job in the lab. Er, he's the one that does enhance 34-46 on blurry photos and not the oh look, big hole in head part of the job. You'd think he'd be a soupcon shook up.
Then Catherine is doing stakeout, and deactivating a drug lab. Afterwards says "ok, send for hazmat to clean up", but surely they would also be doing the deactivating thing? Methinks a contrivance for her to get lucky with the smooth bloke.

3: Dr who returns... New bloke... Woo?

Well, the first fail is the bastards have messed with the theme tune again. For the love of Pete, why?

New doctor bloke.... Ma no like. I think he shows promise, in a Tom Baker crazed loon more teeth than brain cells sort of way...



Assistant.... Amy Pond... Schwiiing! It appears someone at the bbc is now in charge who isn't gay, and thus has remembered the classic rule get some eye candy in for the dads. Though for me an assistant needs to be pretty, and also capable of a good scream. But that could just be due to first who I can remember being genesis of the daleks with Sarah Jane Schwiiiing Smith.

On Bargains

So we went to that there asda tonight at 9:30pm. It's an entertaining time to go shopping as a) you can park, b) there's nobody there and c) there's the exciting uncertainty of being unable to get to the shelves you want for all the pallets of stuff.

There be also the bargain factor. Where asda realises they have a pallet of something with a sell by date that expires in 2 1/2 hours time. Result: it's all 1p!

Today's fuc up er, error was fresh pineapples. Trays and trays of pineapples. Nothing wrong with them, just a date saying that this fruit that has gone half way round the bloody planet must be sold or destroyed by midnight. We bought three.

I just hope it doesn't turn out as bad as the other day. That was ready to use vegetables for idle bastards, er, busy professionals. Again, perfectly fresh, 1p, and it would be a crime to waste them. It also ties in with my cunning plan of "5 a day" vegetable based meal torture in the hope of losing weight**

Trouble is, when you get to day four of leek, potato and sweede based culinary delight, well, it starts to feel a bit like xmas but without wallace and gromit reruns.

** It's very boring, but does work. I don't know how much weight I've lost, but can confirm it works as my belt has moved 4 notches in the smaller direction.

The good samaritan

or overcoming my personal demons, part 1.

Tis 11pm, and I went to the shopping hell that is tesco. Technically it's less hellish at that time because there's hardly anyone shopping, but they compensate by having an army replenishing the shelves, and if you're paranoid like me they're all a) watching you, and b) trying to block you into a maze with trolleys so you remain trapped.

So I came out, walked to my car and there's a man (just about) pushing a bright red BMW about. I looked at him, and a couple of alternate thoughts went thru my head. A) Is he trying to steal it? or B) is it broken and he needs help?

So I looked at him, and he looked at me. Nobody said anything. So I got in my car and drove away, watching him in my rear view mirror. To see that he's trying to bump start the thing, which is not going to work as the car park undulates so nowhere is downhill.

My demons are telling me, drive away, it's nothing to do with you. I slowed to a stop. Bugger the demons. Drove back and said "you need a hand mate?"

Indeed he does... Apparently his bmw refuses to start when the engine is hot, but will go if you push it, and can I help him push it?

This is where my relief he's not an axe murderer overcomes my common sense... sure mate.... So we push this rather heavy bmw around the car park for 3 goes at starting it, and nothing happens as we can't get enough speed, other than I'm dying like a 40 a day smoker. (Er I'm not).

The brain then kicks in... I have my discovery. My discovery has a tow rope. Heavy bmw's are not actually that heavy when you pull them about with a big 4x4.

Success! His car is started, and I don't rip the bumper off in the process. I am teh good samaritan! More importantly, C'riz 1, demons 0.

Tubetastic Thursday: Common people

It's Thursday. I'm feeling both nostalgic, and insane.

So I bring to you:
The Shat - common people



Nostalgic 'cos back when I was somebody at uni this was the sound. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing pulp's different class cd. Jarvis is also of course to blame for dancing like I was on fire, and on being told you look a total gimp the excuse is I was doing the Jarvis.

Insane, well obviously cos this is the Shatner cover version. I've got to give 10 bonus points to whoever made the video for turning it into a slashup. Lock up your daughters, it's pon farr time...

Red letter day

No, not excitement and fun, more the kind with lots of dire warnings that you must do this now or else.

Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs department tell me I've failed to pay my taxes by the end of January, and if I don't pay £163.39 by Sunday they have authorised a man to come round and thump my thumbs with a hammer whilst shouting "It's bone crunching time sonny!"

Which came as a bit of surprise considering I'd paid what my accountant told me to pay. So checked I'd really paid and not just imagined it, and yes I had. Drove to the accountants to find my man isn't there until next Wednesday. But the nice lady looked on the computer, and it said I owe more money.

So I've paid, and now await to see if it gets there before the man with the hammer gets here. Joy.

Blogger sounds

I was catching up on that there Pseudonymph's blogage specifically the 10p tour of teh house , when it struck me, hang on, this be narrated by said woman.

The only problem is, it sounds wrong. You think you "know" peeps, and so "assign" a voice in your head for them. (FWIW Pseudonymph sounds more posh than I imagined).

Before I met the lovely Debbie McGee Misty, all I had to go on was "Teutonic celt from London", which really gives no clues at all. Doth she sound London-y? Germany? Answer :Misty like.

I's not met that there Scaryduck, but has seen videos on his blogage. I think he's the one that most matches though to reality.

Perhaps I need to meet more people and spend less time with my collection of singing potatoes....

Neighbours

everybody needs good neighbours....

Perhaps someone should tell the bloke next door:



They also need teaching not to steal asda trollies, but that's another story.

Eastenders Live!

As in not dead, curses.

Apparently this pap has been wasting the brains of tv addicts for 25 years now, and to celebrate they had a live episode with the finding out of who killed Archibald whatsisname to ensure maximum idiots would watch.

I of course only endured a few minutes of it as I was walking past the tv. So I'm only partly brain damaged, but thought I'd tell you all what happened just in case you missed it. Tis possible I may get it a soupcon wrong at times due to not having a clue who anyone is, and not watching it. I could get a job at the sun doing reviews with those qualifications.

Scene: Albert square. Cast: everyone. Giant poster announcing the killer of Archibald Tuttle is to be revealed tonight. Mood: Shouty.

Ginger & missus: Shouty shouty, we gonna get stitched up for this, lets do a runner to where they'll never find us, somewhere like brookside close.

Used car lot:
Baldy bloke gets a visit from inspector knacker of the yard. Turns out changing dead guys cambelt did not result in death by blunt force trauma, as cambelts are not capable of this act.

Queen vic:
Shouty old woman demands rest of cast present admit who dunnit, or she will get her baps out again just like in carry on camping, and starts to lift her skirt to show she's serious.

Pint of Guinness on bar: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than this place.

Ian Boyle: My mum dreamed a dream, and it was you all pay me twenty quid for these here jellied eels.

Cut to street outside. Ginger + tart are running away very very slowly.
Enter inspector knacker.. "Can we have a word?"
ginger: "vermilion".
IK: "Ta. Keep on running away if that's what you're doing."

Queen vic:
Assorted slags: Bugger this for a game of soldiers, lets run away as well just in case we did it and just can't remember.

everyone else: Yes, everyone run away.

Ginger: Lets escape by going onto the roof where I'm sure we'll find a hang glider or sumfink.

Rooftop:
I am inspector knacker, and vermilion is no bloody use in the dibble scrabble tournament as I have only the letters J, A, Z, F, P, L & K. Give me another word NOW.

Ginger: Bugger, I'll take a step back and think about it.

Wheeee.....splat.

Ginger's tart: Oh no Ginger is dead an all. Who's going to help me escape from killing Archibald to death now?
Inspector Knacker: What you say?
Tart: Er... Ginger did it. Pal any good for your scrabble?

Phil Collins: dummm dummm dum dum dum. I'm getting tired of doing the eastenders theme after 25 years. Why did I leave Genesis?

Tubetastic Thursday: Never enough

Ye Gods, I'm turning into Misty with the lack of posty due to life getting in the way disease.

I bring to you:
Epica - Never enough.




I actually heard this lot for the first time yesterday. (who says il legal downloads don't lead to discovery of new stuff, and sales thereof?)

It's very strange. "symphonic metal" I think they call it. Very contrasty, high pitched woman, death grunts bloke, and a feeling of it's going to rock in a minute, and then it does!

I think I could like it. But it could also suffer from a bit too much same same. Will have to give it time and see.

Tubetastic Thursday: Close my eyes forever

I'm veh tired today, as I got up at 8am, drove to Birmingham, faced fears, survived, drove back home again.

So straight to the point.
I bring to you:
Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne - close my eyes forever



Cruel people will say how can you tell the difference between Ozzy & Lita, as they both look the same. Simples: Lita's the one who can sing!

Methinks I like this one 'cos you can't beat a good song about dying. Plus it check all the boxes: Big hair, silly guitars, dark n moody fade cuts...

Darn it

Today I got up early. Like the first thing in the afternoon. 12:27 pm to be precise. My phone has a missed call, so I boot the pooter and phone back.

It goes a bit like:
Did you get the message?

Which message?

The facebook one, this morning.

Hang on... pooter boots. Message received 8:06 am.

I've only just woken up. So, no I won't be in Huddersfield for 1pm.

2 pm?

Ok. Later...

So I spleep walk thru a shower, dress and then drive like a mad man to get there on time. Meet mr. Bharj, and we go hunting the Biff. (another name on our potential reunion list).

Biff is found. The man appears to have been in stasis for fourteen years. True he has gained a huge workshop (that I don't covet in the slightest. Cough), and 2 kids. And appears to be doing really well (Like everyone else, bastards). But no, not aged at all.

The result is, yes, he's up for a reunion. And thinks he can contact another name on the outstanding list. So if he's successful we only have two more to find. This is actually getting quite scary, the thought that I may have to go thru with this....

Tubetastic Thursday: Relax

Mahaha-hiya, guess what's happening now?

Yes, if you're unlucky enough to have me on your faceache list, you're getting double the videos.

If you're not lucky enough, it's my birthday today. So I'm technically older, but that's every day. The only real difference is I get to try (and fail) to pretend to do the happy when the peeps try and make an issue of it. You'd think they would learn by now, I'm just not interested....

In other news:
It has snowed again. 1.0 imperial inches. So not a lot. So obviously, that's why I get the phone call from idiot girl that she needs help in the evil snow. I should point out idiot girl has a (girls) 4x4, a freelander. She be 300 yards from home, has just missed crashing it and daren't drive any more.

"Almost" crash could be something to do with her driving technique of slowing down not working, so drop the clutch and stamp on the brakes. Repeatedly. Er, IG, leave the clutch alone, take your foot off the loud pedal and it will slow down on it's own.

So muggins gets to walk in the snow to her, drive her the remaining 300 yards home, then walk back. Joy.

On to Tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Frankie goes to Hollywood - relax



Yes, we all know the story of banned by the BBC so instant mega hit. Even if us innocent kiddies had no clue what it was about.

I was listening to the radio the other week while doing the work thing, and they had an interview with Holly Johnson, which was rather surprising to me, as I had the thought in the back of my mind he was dead a-la-Freddie Mercury. But no, he be still alive.

Mind, interviewer must have had the same thought, as interview kind of went, sooooo you're not dead then..... and you're not Frankie goes to Hollywood any more... so what are you doing while waiting to shuffle off? (He paints). Buy the greatest hits album plug. And ,er, that was it.

(Yes, I have worked out what the song is about now, thankyouverymuch).

I'm a real blogger now

Just had to delete my first comment spam, so I think that qualifies as having arrived!

Woo. Yay!

Also in large amounts of pain. Starter motor on my car is faulty. I have the "fix it" kit, to er, fix it. Land rover have made it so it's easier to remove the engine than to remove the starter motor. So ended up taking the motor apart while it's still fitted to the car, which means lots of stretching and jamming your hands in small places where you can't see or really reach that well. But at least it now starts. Double woo!

Additional

After 4 hours & 52 minutes I have been knocked out in 27th place.

This means:
a) $33 scoop ticket won
b) I'm bloody knackered as it's daft am.
c) Not doing that again.

Gambling bad kids!

Tubetastic Thursday: You can come if you want to

Greetings pop pickers!

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the following (almost) exciting information:

It's 2:28 am... 1843 players entered the blogger poker tournament that started, oh, 3 1/2 hours a-bloody-go.

And I'm still playing...
And just like the cute children on daytime tv, I'm now guaranteed a prize. Currently 38 out of 109 left so I've at least won a $11 scoop entry whatever that is.

Hang on a minute... $11, that's about 5 quid. For 3 1/2 hours? Does not compute. Could be worth it if I win the bloody thing, but somehow I doubt it.

Back to our regular programming.

I bring to you:
The carousels - you can come if you want to.


Now no doubt someone is screaming argh no! not more doo wop, make it stop!

But this is of the excellent. Excellent I tell you. I can listen to this a bajillion times, and every time is electricity running down my spine.

Ok, some will say she screams like she's killing cats, but they are also full of the wrong.

There are a few more sides from the carousels out there, and while they're fairly ok, this is definitely their triumph.

The dead man's hand holds Aces and Eights

Ok, so Wild Bill Hickok was playing 5 card draw when killed with that hand.

I however, am a) still alive and b) was playing pot limit omaha.

I also lost out in the below pimped blogger poker tournament. Top 153 get the prizes, and I came 203 out of 1600 entrants. Not too shoddy, given I'm not a huge omaha fan. And there's still tournaments to play the rest of the week for no cost.

So as the lottery used to say before they got banned for false advertising "It could be you".

Schemes and dreams

Hard as it may be to believe, I went to University and survived to get a (poor) degree. This is all ancient history (1996) and is filed on my flickr as "I had a life too once".

I forgot about it, until last week. Found one of the blokes on facebook. Oh, you're successful and have wife, child, house on the hill. I'm not... That was fun. Then another ex Beng bloke contacts me.. wife, 2 x child, house on hill, more success.

(I should perhaps at this point make clear I wish no ill, and am not bothered by their success... I assume they've earned it and thus deserve it. I haven't, and don't.)

At points in the past various peeps have said "we should have a reunion", but nothing has come of it. However, this time I think it could work, and nobody will have to get nailed to anything in pursuit of it. After all, everybody is starting to put their lives on t'interweb.

Without doing much searching emails are exchanged between six of us. Discounting foreign students, those known to have left the country since, those who didn't socialise during the course (I'm thinking of you Gailasuarus), this gives seven more potentially to find. One more can probably be discounted ('cos she's a lady and we're smelly blokes), and a further one (black ball from everyone so far). So that's five to find.

So on Saturday I set off to meet a small group of localish plotters. One wasn't coming out to play, so it was Zulf and Dara and moi. Despite my natural apprehension, we had a really nice time and came up with some perhaps viable strategies for finding the missing people. I'd like to say we haven't changed in what? 14 years, but it would be a lie. I've got fat and mental. Zulf's stopped drinking and Dara appears to be a straight and honest geezer. God have we gone downhill.

There is one slight snag, should we pull it off. What do you do to celebrate this reunion?

Now you could say go to the pub.. but people are older, with house on the hill etc, and it's not much of a draw to get people to come many miles.

Possible thoughts so far include:

Meal out somewhere.... followed by pub.
Blokey things... paintball, go karts etc. followed by pub.
Fly to somewhere cheap and cultural. Ignore the culture and go to the pub.

Any ideas from the blogosphere are most welcome?

Plz to note that we be blokes. Smelly older blokes. You don't get many lady engineers, so it has to be something where when we get there they don't think we're a stag party and throw us out. Attempting to appear sophisticated is also out (we're engineers).

Tubetastic Thursday: Russian roulette

Before I get to the usual Thursday guff, I must say woo! yay! to Facebook.

Yes, I'm still sceptical to it's uses (eg tried the poker, and you can buy fake chips that have no value with real money? How whack is that!), but on the other hand have caught up with a few peeps I've not seen in years. We even be thinking of having a class of '96 meet up. Well, the survivors who are local anyways.

A chance to find out who's gone bald, got kids, and to prove that none of us can dance still... Just as long as Phil is still frying chickens at Alton towers so I'm not totally last in the life success stakes.....

Tubetastic thursday.
I bring to you: Rihanna - russian roulette.


Ok, so I swore back in the day I'd never forgive her for the bloody umbrella song where it rained in real life for a billion days. As soon is it finally dropped off radio play out came the sun. But this be a catchy sort of tune. In fact at times it verges on earworm.

Other factettes n observations:

Uk radio play of this song cuts the final gunshot. Why, I don't know.

You have a 1 in 6 chance of taking a bullet in 'Nam if you try this at home kids. Which works out at about 50:50 if you have four goes and give the gun a spin each time. Plz to not check the statistics of this empirically.

Derrin Brown did a russian roulette based tv stunt thing. Yes, I was hoping it would go a soupcon wrong. I don't want him dead, but would settle for maimed enough that he no longer gets on tv. Which is rather odd as I don't watch tv anyways.

Rihanna is rather good at doing the wearing minimalistic clothing thing.

The following public service announcement

is brought to you in part by Slim Shady our evil overlords.

Announcement begins:

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! Bloggers can register for to play for free in the WBCOOP, if you don’t have a PokerStars account you can get your Poker Download here.

Registration code: 904446

Announcement ends...
There, I've admitted I'm a bad gambler. No doubt I'll be punished for it one day.

Tubetastic Thursday: Weekend!

They say when God closes a door he opens a window. I haven't a clue what use that actually is, unless you're a cat and like jumping thru windows?

I'm going to have a moan. I shall do it now:
My ISP have force migrated my email to google. They pimp it as being, no lie "New and shiny". That's the exact words used.

It is a load of shash. "You don't have to do anything, except wait for the shiny". it says. Oh yeah?

So.... now you can't send hardly any mail attachments. Ah.. that's useful.
And
You can only download mail once. So check mail on your phone, and then you can't get it on your pooter as well. Not like people use multiple devices these days is it? And it's Shiny! Woo! Arse!

Moan ends.

****************

I am now going to attempt an experiment. See if I can alienate approximately half the population, and attract the rest.

I bring to you:
Scooter - Weekend!



Just in case you haven't worked out the attraction it is thus: Bossoms.

There are actually several versions of this video, with varying levels of Bossoms. I have one on my pooter that is really quite overflowing, so they have also added snow to make it more arty. Snow = art, not porn if you didn't know.

Pointless additional fact for those not interested in Bossoms:
"Respect to the men in the ice cream van" refers of course to the KLF.

Fixed.. and broken

Yesterday, after only a five week wait I finally had my nanocom delivered. This be a magic box to remove the three amigos from my landrover.

Slight snag... it no work until you register it with the nice people in Italy. Who ignore your registration attempts as they're no doubt doing more exciting things like spend my money.

But today I finally got it registered, and blam! Amigos be gone. So I hope you enjoyed the snow, as now I have a working 4x4 there won't be any more.

Of course, as I've fixed something that's wrong, something else in my life must be broken. It's the turn of email. The muppets at virgin have "migrated" to shiny new google powered email. That's dead wonderful*.

Shame it turns out you only get one chance to read your mail, so if you read it on your phone that's the only copy, despite having "leave messages on server" turned on. Getting nowhere fast with support who appear to be going down the path that the solution is to read on the phone, then forward it back to yourself?

And relax.

*complete and utter shash.

99.... 100

This be post 100. Rather surprising considering I wasn't expecting to get to 10.

Sadly I've been thinking for about a week now, must have something exciting for post 100.. what's happening today? Oh. snow. cold. wet. bored.

Nothing has changed , so methinks post 100 is "still alive, plz to standby".

To prove sanity, I give you:
James last - This is my song



What do you mean insanity more like? My collection of singing potatoes tell me I'm totally sane.

New year. Old Idiot.

Or idiot girl fails to learn.

A test:
You have a (one) crusty bread roll, and you want to cut it in half. Do you

a) place on a bread board, and keeping your fingers out of the way of the knife carefully cut thru it?
or
b) Hold it in your right hand. Take your sharpest knife and hack at it brutally with your left hand?

Need a clue? Idiot Girl selected option b).

This may be why we got a phone call saying there is a cut of unknown depth on my finger that is redecorating my kitchen in a fetching shade of red and please fetch a bandage ~thud~

(~thud~ be where she passes out on the floor).
We arrive to find said thudee being ignored by the dog, so so much for all that lassie comes to the rescue shash.

Sadly no photos as I got the evil eye when I got my phone out, despite pretending it was just in case I had to call 999, and the thought of getting a quick pic to blog about didn't even begin to Cross my mind, honest. ~cough~

Say goodbye to 2009

and hello to 2010.

Yes, the year number has changed, but the quality crap blogging you've come to expect is still the same.

I've just been stood outside at minus 2 degrees, while detritus from other people's fireworks falls around me. That would have made a good new year, clonk, ow!

I wish you all the best of luck for 2010 (the year we make contact?)

I will not be making any resolutions, wishes, predictions as I don't do that sort of thing any more due to being completely shit at it.

Xmas countdown: Teh End

I'm sure my 1/2 a reader will be glad it's all over.

So without further ado:
Christmas Party



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: not on cd anywhere.
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: minus infinity.
Relationship to xmas? : It's a xmas song.

I may get a buzz,
'cos mistletoe's poisionous,
oh hell I don't care I think I'll die.

This is a cover (prolly better than the original version actually) of a dead milkmen song from the time when the dead milkmen where a "fictional" band, and their albums came on tape with each one having a hand drawn cover by the band.

Of course thanks to the power of the interweb you can now obtain such rare material rather easily in mp3 format.

This is from "Oh no! Somebody shot sunshine!"


If you're really that interested you can hear the original here:

	The Dead Milkmen - Christmas Party .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Ps.. Merry Christmas...

Xmas countdown V Tubetastic Thursday - grudgematch

There was some whining about credit cards and how awful they are when you have to phone mr. Patel in India and pay for the privilege here, but it was soooo boring, even by my standards, so it's gone now....

Time for a double bill....

Xmas countdown:
Sesame Street - Counting the days



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: one!
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: -2.6%
Relationship to xmas? : Weapon to keep the kids quiet with.

Having odd tastes in muzzax, I quite like obtaining doo wop "zero hit wonder" cd's. I got a xmas one, and this was on it... Freaky stuff eh?

Tubetastic Thursday:
The Cars - Drive



There be a slight xmas message in this one for all you crazy kids who go out on the pop.

"Who's going to drive you home tonight?"

No drink driving now. Or getting in strange cars with strange men. Or phoning me to come and rescue you. Thank you and good night.

Xmas countdown : Son of the xmas countdown

Season of goodwill? My arse!

Went to the hellhole that is asda. Coming out some little bastard shouts at me "cut your hair and get a job".

Now in an ideal world, I would be like the terminator and quickly choose an appropriate response:

Choices:
Ignore.
Kick child.
"There is no Santa".
"I have a job. F***ing your Mum"
"F**k you asshole".

Sadly I'm not very good at the human thing and spent too long thinking about it, and only managed a half hearted "F**k you". ~sigh~


More lazy blogging:
Band Aid - Do they know it's Christmas?



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: all of them.
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 1
Number of winter / snow etc words: 1
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 87.9%
Relationship to xmas? : More related to Geldof's ego. Midge Ure hardly gets a look in.

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you.

This has bugger all to do with Xmas. It was a method for extracting cash much the same as the local brass band playing and rattling tins outside tescos. You're supposed to give them money and pretend you care, feel good about yourself and then a few weeks later forget they exist.

But the artists, record companies etc did it all for nowt and helped the poor people... Oh yeah? And the record labels haven't made it back 10 times over in royalties for the song appearing on every bloody xmas compilation album, playing on the radio etc.... They only handed over the dosh from the single sales.

The truth is, we're really not remotely interested in helping the 3rd world. The 1st world is already using more than the planet can provide, so even if it was possible to instantly "upgrade" them to our standards it wouldn't be done.

Perhaps the Macc Lads had the truth with their "alternative" version of this song:
Feed your face, don't give them a second thought.

Rant ends....

Xmas countdown: revenge of the xmas countdown

Well, the doom begins. The usual xmas deluge of fools who bought an item from me on ebay AFTER last day for xmas posting to their country, and now want to know why they've not got it yet. Only one man from France so far, and he was only 1 day late in buying so may still get it, but I'm sure Thursday will see me with head in hands screaming "Make them stop".

But enough of this self pity. More lazy blogging:
Jona Lewie - Stop the cavalry



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: 72
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 1
Number of winter / snow etc words: 1
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 37%
Relationship to xmas? : Vague.

Wish I was at home for Christmas.

Methinks this has not actually got a lot to do with xmas, and more to do with war...

Video appears to be set in WW1 trenches / no man's land. N a lot of the typical cannon fodder "tommies" signed up for the war with the idea that it would be a bit of adventure / bash the hun / finish the war in time for christmas.

Or is it just me?

Xmas countdown: part deux

It snowed today. And as I live on a hill, this can be entertaining.

You see, stupid people live further down the hill from me. Very stupid people. The road bends to the left, and it's moderately steep. Right on the apex of the bend, 2 cars parked on each side of the road. Which makes a gap in the middle of 1 car + 18 inches. The road is covered with snow... can you see the problem yet kids?

So the skittles have been set up, all there is to do is wait and watch for someone scoring a strike. How many cars will they damage? I should also point out you can go down our street to the council depot, so there's lots of vans driven by people who don't give a sh*t.

Sadly, there was no score today. One council van did look a good contender by a) going too fast & b) braking so the van is now going sideways on towards the target. Fortunately for him his brain kicked in, and he stopped braking, van goes back to straight again and he managed to steer his way thru with about three inches to spare.

Also had to drive to Idiot Girl's to "put up a picture". Yes, drive only if you have to, or if your sister wants to change her decor. No drama for me even if my land rover is in limp home mode. Entertaining following a very shiny BMW that wasn't going remotely where the driver was pointing it.

Thinks...... Ah: Jackie Wilson - reet petite



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: 1
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 0
Number of winter / snow etc words: 0
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 2%
Relationship to xmas? : Bugger all.

Reet petite the finest girl you ever want to meet.

So what's the xmas connection?
Christmas number 1 single for 1986, and most of December too if memory is working. One of my favourite xmas songs actually...

Xmas countdown

Bit of a joy / despair / despair/ slightly less despair day today.

Joy: My new credit card was finally delivered.

Despair: After activating it, and them trying to sell me insurance against it being cloned (wot, like it just has been you mean?) I took it to the shop. Where it failed to work.

Despair: Attempting to start car: clunk. Bugger new battery required. Hang on.. the headlights are still bright... tries again, starts first time.... Bugger.. new starter motor required.

Slightly less despair: Googled discovery td5 starter motor, and they're apparently crap and fail a lot. But you can get a kit of replacement bits to fix them for £10, so slightly happier as this is cheaper than a battery at £130.

I haz also had a genius, GENIUS idea I tell you, on how to blog lazily in the run up to xmas when idiots will suddenly decide to do their xmas shopping online at my emporium and drive me insane running around after them.

The idea be: Youtube vids to the max. With a twist on the xmas theme. Yes, I hope to have enough ideas of xmas things to show, that when you actually stop and think for a soupcon, they're not remotely xmas-y.

I will start this plan NOW: Freiheit - Keeping The Dream Alive



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: 5
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 0
Number of winter / snow etc words: 0
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 15%
Relationship to xmas? : Bugger all.

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I'm baffled why this is a Christmas song. Anyone got any ideas?

And they'd have got away with it if it wasn't for those darn kids!

I am, so I'm told, the intended recipient of a package. Which contains $700,000 in cash. (must be a bit heavy).

But the silly sausages forgot to pay enough to cover the weight of all those greenbacks, so I must pay $315 and 29 cents within the next 2 days, or it will be sent back!

Quite why the nice lady at fedex currier company can't just take a bit out of the money in the box, I'm not sure. They could even get some donuts, on me! They must be stupid or something...

Perhaps that's why they spell courier as currier. Unless it works by a chain of fast food shops delivering your money slowly in a max 5 mile radius with free onion bhajis?

Voyage to trip out city

Well, sort of. A bit. Maybe.

I have been given by the vets some new antihistamines, as standard over the counter stuff works for about 2 hours and then stops, and taking 6 in a day is slightly more than "1 a day" like it says on the box. I'm also told "drowsy effect", which considering I've not been spleeping could well be a positive point.

So last night, itch, scratch, not tired.... I know, try one out.

Goes to bed, still not tired but resigned to singing the infinite bottles of beer on the wall song. Then came the strange things.

I can hear something. But in my head, not in reality. It's like listening to a numbers station. This goes on for a bit. It then changes to Jeremy Clarkson talking gibberish. No, not the rubbish he often spouts, but actual strings of nonsense words, that I sort of understand. Then there are a sequence of chords, that are not so groovy. Then I start to feel tired / dulled, so write down the above so I'd not forget (I have some great blogging ideas that are lost by the next day).

The pills are bright blue coloured... Oh.. matrix-y.. Perhaps I should ask if they've got any red ones and wake up?

Tubetastic Thursday - Keltech strikes back

Meh! One more week and the insanity of it all will be over.

The mildly annoying thing is I'm very busy and working hard, but I'm not actually making all that much more money than usual. Peeps appear to have stopped buying the cheaper easy to make things, and are buying the expensive 40 mins each sodding things, so I work like crazy and then there's only 10 parcels for that day and £90.

And.. relax.

I bring to you:
DJ Keltech - Keltech strikes back



Thinking you've seen this before? Well you prolly have as it was a viral video, what, three years ago?

If you like your scratching, then his cd be worth a-buying.

I generally doth not buy cd's cos a) tight, b) mp3's on a usb stick works better in my car. But I bought this one. I's even got it signed to moi... could be worth 99p in a few decades time... And yes, first thing I did was rip it to mp3 and put it on a shelf. The cd is dead, long live the cd!

Woo!

We interrupt this not blogging to bring an important announcement.

I is teh winnah! And no, I don't mean I'm a "special" winner like other peeps tell me, I mean the real cash money type. £25 from the premium bonds.

Woo! Yay!

Tubetastic Thursday - Living next door to Alice

It's rather sad that the only day I can keep up with is the lazy blogging day dontcha think?

It is of course quite a lot to do with that whole xmas rubbish. Brings out the idiots who waste my time, and makes me work harder so no time for excitement and adventure.

"But at least you're making money" stupid people will say.... Well, yes you are, but no you're not. The 'extra' money goes on buying in lots of boxes and bubble envelopes and stock just in case someone wants to buy it. So you end up with more stuff that there's no space for, but no more "real" money, and not forgetting of course that people stop buying things once it's time to plonk in front of their shiny new idiot boxes.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. You're (maybe) here for tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Smokie - Living next door to Alice.



Smokie.... possibly the best thing to have come out of Bradford. Not a city I have much love for.

You may have noted that this is the original 70's version (methinks the sweede cuts give it away just a soupcon), not the 90's remake. Though come to think of it, the 90's one does have a valid question "Who the F*** is Alice?" anyways?

Why is she leaving after 24 years in a big limousine? Has she inherited the family fortune? Obviously she wants to make an impression on leaving, it's been staged and perhaps planned for years....

What happened to stop him from being able to interact with Alice? Did one or more of them go mental? I'm thinking perhaps he did.

Sally's been waiting 24 years for Alice to bugger off so she can have a go... But I think she will not get anywhere. He's not capable of interacting with the world, even if the world wants to interact with him. All he can do is watch as his chances fade away.

Er, I think I'm projecting my story onto this just a little.... Stop now. Yes, stop good.

Empty

My mind is on empty. And my enthusiasm reserve is too. And my tolerance of the whole xmas shash. I just keep trying to think soon it will be back to normal, whatever normal is anyways.

On the bright side, I've overcome the Ma's quest for the perfect (none existent) washing machine. I applied a bit of lateral thinking, and repaired the old one. It's a whole lot easier to fix these things at 3 am, when you can be calm and methodical. Printout from fix your washing machine website in one hand, cup of tea in the other.

True, technically it could also be a recipe for someone finding you dead of electrocution the next morning, but faint heart never won fair maiden, or got your clothes clean.

To add to the fun, I'm also trying to find out empirically just how many "one a day" antihistamines you can take in a day without dying. I've had five in the last 24 hours, and the edge is just about wearing off, as if I need another one. Google tells me what the symptoms of overdose are and I don't have them. It also tells me the half life is 8 hours, so how 1 is supposed to work for 24 hours I'm not sure. The house of half truths that is wikipedia suggests 10mg (1 a day) is barely more effective than a placebo. Ho hum, if anyone finds a spare liver, I'll have it for xmas plz.

Tubetastic Thursday - Punk rock girl

I'm rather tired today as it's 2:43 am on Thursday morning. Too many late nights methinks...

So without further ado I bring to you:
The Dead Milkmen - Punk rock girl


Not my favourite milkmen track, but the first video I could find.

Now they're back as a band again with a new bass player I'd like to see them live. I'd also like to win the lottery, have a wining personality, and lots of other things that won't happen. Sorry, depressed, tired, tired.. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Additional, 5pm.

This song be of course sung by Joe Jack Talcum, and is perhaps their most commerically successful release. Shame he doesn't actually sing most of the songs normally.

I'm am still tired, and can now add world weary to the list... The washing machine died. I took Ma to the washing machine shoppe to look at new ones. New ones fill up with only cold water. Ma wants one that fills with cold & hot water. I tell her the only come in cold these days. Shop assistant tells her they only come in cold these days. Ma believes we are lying (??) and insists we go to every shop that sells washing machines. Quelle suprise, they only sell cold fill ones, 'cos that's all the manufacturers make.

Methinks this one is going to run and run until I can't take any more.

IG update

Like anyone cares. But just in case....

Idiot Girl has been released from the hospital. Plz to come back if your foot falls off, or if it starts leaking blood / metal parts / massive infection.

Bugger

Bugger to N decimal places.
Today is not looking like a good day.

Next door neighbour knocked on the door, can I move my car for 10 mins?
Ok.... Moves car.. "bong bong bong" goes car and the dash lights up like a Xmas tree. This be going to be expensive, and I can't put it on the credit card as yesterday the credit card people phoned up to tell me my card details have been stolen and it doesn't work any more. So no credit until they send a new one in 14 days.

I then get a phone call where I get bollocked for being out of the house for five whole minutes. Turns out Idiot Girl is now sitting in the hospital A+E department, as it would appear the plates holding her leg together, er, aren't.

So I've now got the entertainment of the Ma playing "what if?" and "We should go there... text Idiot Girl this stupid message" etc, when Idiot Girl has said stay put here until she tells us to come. So eventually Ma will a) drive me nuts, and b) go there even though told to stay away, and big shouty things will happen in the hospital.

Somebody plz, shoot me thru the head, I don't want to live...