Eastenders Live!

As in not dead, curses.

Apparently this pap has been wasting the brains of tv addicts for 25 years now, and to celebrate they had a live episode with the finding out of who killed Archibald whatsisname to ensure maximum idiots would watch.

I of course only endured a few minutes of it as I was walking past the tv. So I'm only partly brain damaged, but thought I'd tell you all what happened just in case you missed it. Tis possible I may get it a soupcon wrong at times due to not having a clue who anyone is, and not watching it. I could get a job at the sun doing reviews with those qualifications.

Scene: Albert square. Cast: everyone. Giant poster announcing the killer of Archibald Tuttle is to be revealed tonight. Mood: Shouty.

Ginger & missus: Shouty shouty, we gonna get stitched up for this, lets do a runner to where they'll never find us, somewhere like brookside close.

Used car lot:
Baldy bloke gets a visit from inspector knacker of the yard. Turns out changing dead guys cambelt did not result in death by blunt force trauma, as cambelts are not capable of this act.

Queen vic:
Shouty old woman demands rest of cast present admit who dunnit, or she will get her baps out again just like in carry on camping, and starts to lift her skirt to show she's serious.

Pint of Guinness on bar: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than this place.

Ian Boyle: My mum dreamed a dream, and it was you all pay me twenty quid for these here jellied eels.

Cut to street outside. Ginger + tart are running away very very slowly.
Enter inspector knacker.. "Can we have a word?"
ginger: "vermilion".
IK: "Ta. Keep on running away if that's what you're doing."

Queen vic:
Assorted slags: Bugger this for a game of soldiers, lets run away as well just in case we did it and just can't remember.

everyone else: Yes, everyone run away.

Ginger: Lets escape by going onto the roof where I'm sure we'll find a hang glider or sumfink.

Rooftop:
I am inspector knacker, and vermilion is no bloody use in the dibble scrabble tournament as I have only the letters J, A, Z, F, P, L & K. Give me another word NOW.

Ginger: Bugger, I'll take a step back and think about it.

Wheeee.....splat.

Ginger's tart: Oh no Ginger is dead an all. Who's going to help me escape from killing Archibald to death now?
Inspector Knacker: What you say?
Tart: Er... Ginger did it. Pal any good for your scrabble?

Phil Collins: dummm dummm dum dum dum. I'm getting tired of doing the eastenders theme after 25 years. Why did I leave Genesis?