Xmas countdown

Bit of a joy / despair / despair/ slightly less despair day today.

Joy: My new credit card was finally delivered.

Despair: After activating it, and them trying to sell me insurance against it being cloned (wot, like it just has been you mean?) I took it to the shop. Where it failed to work.

Despair: Attempting to start car: clunk. Bugger new battery required. Hang on.. the headlights are still bright... tries again, starts first time.... Bugger.. new starter motor required.

Slightly less despair: Googled discovery td5 starter motor, and they're apparently crap and fail a lot. But you can get a kit of replacement bits to fix them for £10, so slightly happier as this is cheaper than a battery at £130.

I haz also had a genius, GENIUS idea I tell you, on how to blog lazily in the run up to xmas when idiots will suddenly decide to do their xmas shopping online at my emporium and drive me insane running around after them.

The idea be: Youtube vids to the max. With a twist on the xmas theme. Yes, I hope to have enough ideas of xmas things to show, that when you actually stop and think for a soupcon, they're not remotely xmas-y.

I will start this plan NOW: Freiheit - Keeping The Dream Alive



Top trumps time:

Number of xmas cd's featured on: 5
Number of xmas words in the lyrics: 0
Number of winter / snow etc words: 0
Probability of being played on asda in store fm: 15%
Relationship to xmas? : Bugger all.

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I'm baffled why this is a Christmas song. Anyone got any ideas?

And they'd have got away with it if it wasn't for those darn kids!

I am, so I'm told, the intended recipient of a package. Which contains $700,000 in cash. (must be a bit heavy).

But the silly sausages forgot to pay enough to cover the weight of all those greenbacks, so I must pay $315 and 29 cents within the next 2 days, or it will be sent back!

Quite why the nice lady at fedex currier company can't just take a bit out of the money in the box, I'm not sure. They could even get some donuts, on me! They must be stupid or something...

Perhaps that's why they spell courier as currier. Unless it works by a chain of fast food shops delivering your money slowly in a max 5 mile radius with free onion bhajis?

Voyage to trip out city

Well, sort of. A bit. Maybe.

I have been given by the vets some new antihistamines, as standard over the counter stuff works for about 2 hours and then stops, and taking 6 in a day is slightly more than "1 a day" like it says on the box. I'm also told "drowsy effect", which considering I've not been spleeping could well be a positive point.

So last night, itch, scratch, not tired.... I know, try one out.

Goes to bed, still not tired but resigned to singing the infinite bottles of beer on the wall song. Then came the strange things.

I can hear something. But in my head, not in reality. It's like listening to a numbers station. This goes on for a bit. It then changes to Jeremy Clarkson talking gibberish. No, not the rubbish he often spouts, but actual strings of nonsense words, that I sort of understand. Then there are a sequence of chords, that are not so groovy. Then I start to feel tired / dulled, so write down the above so I'd not forget (I have some great blogging ideas that are lost by the next day).

The pills are bright blue coloured... Oh.. matrix-y.. Perhaps I should ask if they've got any red ones and wake up?

Tubetastic Thursday - Keltech strikes back

Meh! One more week and the insanity of it all will be over.

The mildly annoying thing is I'm very busy and working hard, but I'm not actually making all that much more money than usual. Peeps appear to have stopped buying the cheaper easy to make things, and are buying the expensive 40 mins each sodding things, so I work like crazy and then there's only 10 parcels for that day and £90.

And.. relax.

I bring to you:
DJ Keltech - Keltech strikes back



Thinking you've seen this before? Well you prolly have as it was a viral video, what, three years ago?

If you like your scratching, then his cd be worth a-buying.

I generally doth not buy cd's cos a) tight, b) mp3's on a usb stick works better in my car. But I bought this one. I's even got it signed to moi... could be worth 99p in a few decades time... And yes, first thing I did was rip it to mp3 and put it on a shelf. The cd is dead, long live the cd!

Woo!

We interrupt this not blogging to bring an important announcement.

I is teh winnah! And no, I don't mean I'm a "special" winner like other peeps tell me, I mean the real cash money type. £25 from the premium bonds.

Woo! Yay!

Tubetastic Thursday - Living next door to Alice

It's rather sad that the only day I can keep up with is the lazy blogging day dontcha think?

It is of course quite a lot to do with that whole xmas rubbish. Brings out the idiots who waste my time, and makes me work harder so no time for excitement and adventure.

"But at least you're making money" stupid people will say.... Well, yes you are, but no you're not. The 'extra' money goes on buying in lots of boxes and bubble envelopes and stock just in case someone wants to buy it. So you end up with more stuff that there's no space for, but no more "real" money, and not forgetting of course that people stop buying things once it's time to plonk in front of their shiny new idiot boxes.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. You're (maybe) here for tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Smokie - Living next door to Alice.



Smokie.... possibly the best thing to have come out of Bradford. Not a city I have much love for.

You may have noted that this is the original 70's version (methinks the sweede cuts give it away just a soupcon), not the 90's remake. Though come to think of it, the 90's one does have a valid question "Who the F*** is Alice?" anyways?

Why is she leaving after 24 years in a big limousine? Has she inherited the family fortune? Obviously she wants to make an impression on leaving, it's been staged and perhaps planned for years....

What happened to stop him from being able to interact with Alice? Did one or more of them go mental? I'm thinking perhaps he did.

Sally's been waiting 24 years for Alice to bugger off so she can have a go... But I think she will not get anywhere. He's not capable of interacting with the world, even if the world wants to interact with him. All he can do is watch as his chances fade away.

Er, I think I'm projecting my story onto this just a little.... Stop now. Yes, stop good.

Empty

My mind is on empty. And my enthusiasm reserve is too. And my tolerance of the whole xmas shash. I just keep trying to think soon it will be back to normal, whatever normal is anyways.

On the bright side, I've overcome the Ma's quest for the perfect (none existent) washing machine. I applied a bit of lateral thinking, and repaired the old one. It's a whole lot easier to fix these things at 3 am, when you can be calm and methodical. Printout from fix your washing machine website in one hand, cup of tea in the other.

True, technically it could also be a recipe for someone finding you dead of electrocution the next morning, but faint heart never won fair maiden, or got your clothes clean.

To add to the fun, I'm also trying to find out empirically just how many "one a day" antihistamines you can take in a day without dying. I've had five in the last 24 hours, and the edge is just about wearing off, as if I need another one. Google tells me what the symptoms of overdose are and I don't have them. It also tells me the half life is 8 hours, so how 1 is supposed to work for 24 hours I'm not sure. The house of half truths that is wikipedia suggests 10mg (1 a day) is barely more effective than a placebo. Ho hum, if anyone finds a spare liver, I'll have it for xmas plz.

Tubetastic Thursday - Punk rock girl

I'm rather tired today as it's 2:43 am on Thursday morning. Too many late nights methinks...

So without further ado I bring to you:
The Dead Milkmen - Punk rock girl


Not my favourite milkmen track, but the first video I could find.

Now they're back as a band again with a new bass player I'd like to see them live. I'd also like to win the lottery, have a wining personality, and lots of other things that won't happen. Sorry, depressed, tired, tired.. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Additional, 5pm.

This song be of course sung by Joe Jack Talcum, and is perhaps their most commerically successful release. Shame he doesn't actually sing most of the songs normally.

I'm am still tired, and can now add world weary to the list... The washing machine died. I took Ma to the washing machine shoppe to look at new ones. New ones fill up with only cold water. Ma wants one that fills with cold & hot water. I tell her the only come in cold these days. Shop assistant tells her they only come in cold these days. Ma believes we are lying (??) and insists we go to every shop that sells washing machines. Quelle suprise, they only sell cold fill ones, 'cos that's all the manufacturers make.

Methinks this one is going to run and run until I can't take any more.

IG update

Like anyone cares. But just in case....

Idiot Girl has been released from the hospital. Plz to come back if your foot falls off, or if it starts leaking blood / metal parts / massive infection.

Bugger

Bugger to N decimal places.
Today is not looking like a good day.

Next door neighbour knocked on the door, can I move my car for 10 mins?
Ok.... Moves car.. "bong bong bong" goes car and the dash lights up like a Xmas tree. This be going to be expensive, and I can't put it on the credit card as yesterday the credit card people phoned up to tell me my card details have been stolen and it doesn't work any more. So no credit until they send a new one in 14 days.

I then get a phone call where I get bollocked for being out of the house for five whole minutes. Turns out Idiot Girl is now sitting in the hospital A+E department, as it would appear the plates holding her leg together, er, aren't.

So I've now got the entertainment of the Ma playing "what if?" and "We should go there... text Idiot Girl this stupid message" etc, when Idiot Girl has said stay put here until she tells us to come. So eventually Ma will a) drive me nuts, and b) go there even though told to stay away, and big shouty things will happen in the hospital.

Somebody plz, shoot me thru the head, I don't want to live...

Tis the season to eat holly

blurgh blurgh blurgh ow ow ow...

Well, that was a fun weekend.

As a pro evil bay seller I get the fun of not only selling stuff, but then going down to my magic workshop and making said stuff, followed by packing it. Some stuff is just bought in and sold on, but of course they really hit me hard on the "my stuff" and not the easy things.

So I worked until 9:30 pm, then grabbed a quick sarnie before starting to pack things. 1:12 am, and packing is complete. Lots of bubble envelopes for the lady to take to the post office tomorrow and terrorise the staff with. They are all hugely afraid as she now knows the game better than they do and tells them off if they get it wrong.

I'm still failing to understand the logic of the evilbay punter though. 90% of my stuff is buy it now. You click the little button and it's yours. So why do I have 50 people watching one of my ducks when there are exactly four of them left on my shelf?
They're not going to get any cheaper people.... and you can be sure when I've sold them at least 5 of the watchers will email me asking if I've got any more 'cos they was watching and didn't get one...

Other joys of the day:
Some bloke knocking on my garage wall. Turns out he's vaguely related to a friend, and would like to purchase my ford fiesta. Er.. a) it's not for sale b) if it was you don't want to buy it as it's in lots of small pieces, half of it isn't there and it needs massive amounts of welding. c) It's behind my ford capri that last moved three years ago, and I have no plans to move it soon.

Facebook doth not like me.
Try to do anything and a big notice comes up saying you haven't confirmed your account, check your email and confirm it. But.. I've done that...

Emailed the facebook dwarfs... reply.. your account has been confirmed... Yes.. I know that.. could you please tell the interweb thing that is has so it will work then?

Maybe tomorrow things will work....

illogical captain

I start my day the same as always, ask the Ma what's new?

News for today is the house idiot girl is renting out is damp, and tenants want it fixed pronto. Idiot girl has told the agents she has no money, and it will get fixed next year and if they don't like it, unlucky.

Er, Question.... What are you going to do when tenants leave the house 'cos it's uninhabitable, and the agents then don't advertise it for rent 'cos who wants to rent a damp house? Call me stupid, but no tenants = no income, so you have no choice but to fix it now...

Then comes the next thing... Idiot girl is not very well. And she's supposed to be "going out" tonight, but is in no condition to drive anywhere. "Unlucky" is the thought that crosses my mind.

Fast forwards a couple of hours. Idiot girl is still ill, but Ma has "volunteered" that I can drive her to the pub, and collect several other drunken fools she calls friends on the way.

Oh, thank you Ma! Not like we're in the Xmas rush and I've got work to do... Plus really ill, so is it clever to add really drunk too?

So sucker collects idiot girl, and collects "friends". Where to now IG?
"The monkey, you know where that is?" no.
"Next to northern college" still no.
"Hood green" Que?
"Near my horse".. Still a bit on the cold side. I've got this really good idea... it's called I drive and you say left or right when there are choices...

As we bimble along there are several topics of conversation:
1) How much they hate the other people they are all going to go and meet.
2) How the pub is freezing cold, and a sh*thole.

No, I don't ask why the hell they are going there then, much as I'd like to. They then say one of the nicest things anyone has said to me.... "He's not like Idiot Girl at all". Thank the LORD for that.. though it is perhaps rather rude to talk about someone in the third person when they're in the same car.

Idiot girl, just say no.

On not getting it in the slightest

I haz done it. But I'm failing to see the point. Several years after everyone else I now have a facebook account.

But, er, just what is the purpose of this fabulous must have thing?

No, really, I'm serious...
So far all I've worked out is you put the name of your real life friend in the top box, and thump search. It then brings back lots of results that aren't your friend at all. You then do this several more times, narrowing it down by inserting their location, weight, DNA structure etc, and you finally find your friend.

It then says click here to add them, so you do, and fill out a captcha, and then it says they will think about it, oh and here is a massive list of people you don't know remotely, but are they your friends??

After half an hour I've found oh! four friends, and my sister Idiot Girl. I clicked block on idiot girl, as frankly knowing her in real life is waaaay too much.

I consider myself to be good with all this interweb stuff, having been online since 1995.
~hovis advert music~
I can remember mosaic browser, then there was that new fangled netscape thing. I had a hotmail account before it belong to microsoft... And I had a 28.8 modem for the speedz..... so why don't I have a clue what the bloody hell this social networking guff is all about?

If anyone can tell me what happens now, and when the excitement is likely to start (So I can wear my brown pants on that day) I'd be happy to hear from you...

Tubetastic Thursday - Camouflage

Hello world! Why, is it Thursday already? I'm only up to Monday on the work thing at best.

I bring to you:
Stan Ridgeway - Camouflage.


Oh! Spooky! Dead marine's ghost saves the day in 'Nam.

Also one song you are pretty much guaranteed never to ever hear on the radio. Said video is only the radio edit at 5 minutes, the full version being over 7 minutes. And no DJ will ever risk playing it as they're afraid peeps will go off and do something else instead, and there won't be time to put 500 adverts an hour on for the jelly bar.

This actually made no. 5 in 1986, but I don't even remember it being on the radio then...

A spaceman came travelling

on his ship from afar,
'Twas light years of time since his mission did start,
And over a village he halted his craft,
And it hung in the sky like a star, just like a star

Yes, the countdown to doom is drawing closer. And I have questions, dammit! Or they could be badly disguised rants....

Uno:
Why do we all have to rush out and buy lots of things for other people?
'Cos it's Christmas! the sheeple will cry.

Oh. So you have to do it's cos everyone else does. The rest of the year you can ignore them, safe in the knowledge that you don't have to buy them anything until the one day comes. I must be some sort of sucker to buy peeps I care about things all year round for no other reason than I want to.

Dos:
Where are you going round 'tarn to get pissed on Xmas?
What do you mean you're not???

There may or may not be a Jesus bloke sitting on a cloud watching us (I suspect not), but if he is I'm sure he's dead proud that you're celebrating him coming to save mankind by going out and getting totally hammered. Look dad, another one passed out in the gutter... Smote him son, he's a bad 'un! Another drunk dies choking on vomit.

Of course as my "friends" & "family" know about me, this means I can be exploited. Don't book a taxi, phone the idiot boy at 3am and tell him it didn't arrive and you're stranded and come help. Or last year, when your child gets half it's teeth knocked out by your other child at 1am, but you're too drunk to do anything about it, phone old reliable to take the happy family to hospital...

Three:
What do you want for Christmas?
Nothing.
You must want something!
World peace?

Why am I supposed to want several hundred quids worth of stuff? I'm not mega rich, but by looking after the pennies, if I want something I can go out and buy it. Ergo, if I'm not buying things, I have no current desire for things.

Perhaps they think by spending lots on shiny things they show they love me. I would be a lot more impressed if they did something for me that had meaning, personal effort, not just throw money at a problem. Draw me a card. Write something for me. Sing a song if you have to. Oh, that requires work... Bottle of booze it is then.

Bah humbug!

No suprises

Teh BBC has a waste 20 mins of your life and find out who you is test thing.
My results are:


Openness describes to what extent you are receptive to novel ideas, creative experiences and different values.

Conscientiousness describes to what extent you are organised, strategic and forward-planning.

Extroversion describes to what extent you are inclined to experience positive emotions and how attracted you are to social, stimulating experiences.

Agreeableness describes to what extent you are concerned about the feelings of others and how easily you form bonds with people.

Neuroticism describes to what extent you react to perceived threats and stressful situations.

Quelle suprise! Introvert nutcase without friends.
Can I get my 20 minutes back plz?

Smart party membership : DENIED

Or Idiot Girl gets it wrong again.

Idiot Girl is still not very good in the walking department, having previously mangled the leg to hell. Idiot Girl has a dog, Sasha. Who has just had 'bits' removed at the vets, and has been kept inside without walkies for days.

Idiot Girl takes Sasha for a walk. Without crutches. Or a mobile phone. In the style of a Mr. R. Harris, can you guess what happens next kids?

Ans: Splat! I've fallen and I can't get up! I'll just lie on the pavement until someone comes to my rescue then shall I? Yes, that would be a good plan.

Smart party membership: Lifetime ban.

On crap pub names

I have the radio on while in the workshop to try and cut down on the tedium of it all. Sadly, in an attempt to make money they have adverts. Usually this includes one for some position relating to making of adverts (scriptwriter, sales manager etc). This is because, the adverts are in fact complete and utter shash.

But there's a new one, where no one has a hope in hell of making a successful advert. The basic premise is ok. Pub has a new chef, with exciting menus, freshly made food and they want you to come and eat there.

The problem is, the pub is called "The Jelly Bar". J-E-L-L-Y Bar.... Does this make you think of quality food? Or ice cream....

Of course crap FM and their adverts team have made it even less appealing by using a bloke who sounds like Chris Tarrant. No, not "who wants to be a millionaire" final answer? serious Chris Tarrant, more like Tiswas pissed off his face Chris Tarrant.

Which then makes you think of Sally James's Cleavage, and do they sell milk at the Jelly bar?

Tubetastic Thursday - The carnival is over

You, yes YOU ! get to choose today.

Feeling downbeat?
I bring to you:
Nick Cave & the bad seeds - The carnival is over.


Feeling upbeat?
I bring to you:
Boney M - The carnival is over.



The lesson here is anyone who feels upbeat has been suitably punished. Even if I wasn't 24 hours a day "negative" as some people claim, I think I'd go for the Nick Cave version.

Yes, I know it's by the seekers originally. And whilst I quite like the original version, I think Nick turns it into the song about ending and doom it should be. Quite what the lyrics mean I'm not 100% sure. It's a fairly safe bet that it's not about carnivals.

Theory uno:
They be off to a war in the morning. And unlike Baldrick didn't think of carving their name on a bullet, and thus are likely to be deado shortly.

Theory dos:
Singer is dying of some slow terminal disease, and this is it. Goodbye....

illogical

as mr. Spock would most likely say.

Today's big spam is an email telling you your email account has been deleted. Er, surely that's a spiral that can only end with the destruction of the space / time continuum?

Your email account is deleted.
You have been sent notice of this deletion by email.
To the deleted account.
But you are reading the deletion email.
50 goto 10...

Five points for original thinking though. Way better than last week's hot spam of "your facebook password was changed".

O RLY?
I say old chap, that's most shocking... considering it's been changed 500 times this hour alone... quite an achievement considering I don't have a facebook account...

More spam as it happens.. Lots more..