Tubetastic Thursday: DDDBMT

Before I start with the lazy blogging day, a tale of Idiot Girl.

The other day Idiot Girl complained her printer was not printing her uber important document, and was smearing all the text. Have you tried cleaning it idiot girl? Of course, I'm not stupid.

So today I went to see what the problem was. Printed a test page, the colours are ok but black is awful. A bit like this keyboard.. it's full of crisps, biscuit fragments and other things I don't even want to think about. Hang on... so is the rest of the room... apart from the printer.

Kerching! That was the penny dropping for you too? Yes, Idiot Girl has cleaned the printer casing, not the print heads. One clean cycle later and it's back printing.

Onto Tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
Dave Dee, dozy, beaky, mick and tich - The legend of xanadu



A 'friend' of mine bought me their greatest hits cd as an oh so funny birthday present. Sadly he'd underestimated just how much of a sick bunny I am when it comes to music, and I quite liked it.

Trivia:
Alternate universe rich Dave Lister in red dwarf calls his home Xanadu in reference to this song, and not the movie Citizen Kane.

Dave Dee is deado. I think the rest of them are still alive.

You can drive your neighbours insane by playing this followed by Olivia Newton-John's Xanadu over and over again. It's only fair after their children got recorders and only managed to go "parp parp parp" badly.

I will remember you

No, I'm not stopping teh blog. How could I let down my 1 follower? Or the people who visit for "broken leg girl porn"? (google, you're getting it wrong).

I'm giving up on little miss M. Yes, I may have got it wrong a bit, but I said I was sorry. (even if I'm not totally convinced I was wrong, lets forget it and move on).

After weeks of no reply to emails & no response to texts I got the courage today to try and phone. And I hate phones. Hate them with a fiery vengeance. But it goes to answer message.

So I'm giving up. I wouldn't be as hurt if I got one reply by carrier pigeon that said to go away, but when it's the silent treatment, well I don't know what to think? It's sod off? She's gone nutso again and not talking to anyone? I just don't know. Short of a train ticket to Londinium I've no other way of finding out, so there's no choice but to give up really.

I know she will never read this, but even if you're not my friend any more I will still be yours. I'm here if you decide you want me after all. I will remember you.....

Technology

I hate it today.

The past few days I've been thinking that pooter is making a lot of noise. It got on my nerves enough today that I opened the side and vacuumed out the dust & dead things, and then went on to find out which fan has dried out bearings.

Except, tis not a fan. Tis yon hard drive. The one that's making the rumbly noise and shaking. This cannot be a good thing. Fortunately it's only an old small one, so copied the data elsewhere and fixed it by unplugging. I can now hear a screaming fan that it was masking, but not bad enough to take it apart again.

I've also bought a fonero. Decided it was time I added wireless to the house, and it has geek features that appeal to me. More technology hate as I struggle to set it up. Turns out my software firewall doesn't like it and was quietly throwing toys out the pram so it wouldn't work.

Got it going, and was shocked! shocked! I tell you, to discover there are 4 more wireless networks available to my house. I am the child on the slow bus. Late to the popular kids party.

Where did I lose it? I's been online from when mosaic was the browser of choice. Back when normal people didn't have pooters. Back when you typed "Eat shit and die" into search, and was actually shocked at the resulting website...

But the common man has over taken me. I feel old.

Too much of a good thing

We went to the park today. To do (boring) car club related things. Took Idiot girl's dog, and watched it run about like a loon for a bit.

And it's a fairly nice day. So I said lets have an ice cream. Ma says to only get a medium one as you get lots. Ok.. two medium cornets plz.

Ma has never been more accurate. Medium (cost £1.75 ea) is more like bloody huge. Width at interface with cornet is approx 5 inches. Ice cream is then piled on to a height of about 7 inches in a badly balanced cone shape. This is the largest ice cream I've ever had in my life. Even bigger than they appeared at age three.

Snag is, normally you have to eat ice cream fairly fast to get thru it before it melts everywhere. But this is huge. Hugely huge! I rapidly have the cold food headache, and the size appears to have diminished not a jot.

By the time I've finished it, I'm sure the ice cream seller is actually being paid to put people off buying ice cream ever again. A bit like the child caught smoking being forced to smoke a gajillion cigs as punishment. I'll be honest, halfway thru I was tempted to accidentally drop it on the floor.

Ma tells me afterwards that Idiot Girl always has at least one of said ice creams on every visit to the park. And she visits regularly. No wonder she's got an arse the size of a bus.

I know what's coming next. This post useless without pictures. Well, when Idiot Girl returns I will go with her back to said park, and get photos. Not sure I'll have another myself.

Bring me edelweiss

I'm an ebay powerseller. It's my job. This means I have to professionally deal with the stupid and rude on a daily basis.

Today's idiot wound me up though. I quoth:

(idiot) has sent a question about: Item not Received
Have you only just posted it today? I bought it on the 18th

Yes, it was posted to you today (Wednesday). That's why you got an email telling you "It's been posted today!"

The 18th was Sunday. Whilst the poor drones at the supermarket are working the post office, good old British institution that it is isn't. The listing says posted within 3 working days. Monday - 1, Tuesday - 2, Wednesday - 3..... Ask a grown up to help you if you're struggling with the counting.

The worst of it is, 4 morons like this in a 3 month period, and I lose my fee discount for not toadying around twunts enough.

AND RELAX.

As it's Thursday now, I bring to you:
Edelweiss - Bring me edelweiss



Now you may be thinking that's familiar???? Or you may not.

Of course this is more than a soupcon rip off of Abba's SOS. But it's supposed to be, for 'tis a song created by following the rules in the KLF's manual.

Stevie Wonder

No new year's day, to celebrate....

So I went to the opticians. And as usual there has been a change of staff so you get a new optician who hasn't read your notes at all. So you get to make him pause on the questions that most people go no no no to. But I go yes, yes, yes!

Anyone diabetic in the family? Er, it's a shorter list of the people who aren't. Even shorter if you go for people who aren't who are still alive... Ditto other boring medical things.

Any problems with double vision? *sigh* Yes... read my notes... I go wonky in the range up to 18 inches. Oh yes, you do appear to be wonky...

So as usual ask what the prognosis is, and as usual nothing he can do for me. I could have some specs made for reading with only that I won't be able to see to walk around with. Been there, got the t shirt, they're no use at all unless I want to get sudden headaches.

Well I could try these eye exercises... The same ones I've been trying for the past four years? Yes, they don't work either.

But on the brightside he was a very nice man, and did listen to me without trying to rush thru it as fast as possible. And he didn't try to sell me more specs with the lie that perhaps the current ones are a bit scratched and new ones would sharpen things up a bit.

He was also a Sikh. If I ever feel the need to go for religion, I'd consider Sikh. Those bangles are pretty cool.

Ow.

At the end of May I went with teh Misty for a weekend away. We all know how that ended (emphasis on end...) but I also somehow managed to hurt my knee in the process.

For 4 weeks my knee was making audible clonks, but I could live with that. Take the anti inflammatory tabs and it will go away....

Wrong! It stopped clonking overnight. And instead decided dull pain + random argh! stabbing pain would be better. So phoned the doctors who tell me there may be an appointment in 6 weeks time, but don't bet on it. And if it hurts I have their permission to phone up every morning in the hope that someone has died while waiting for their appointment and I can take it.

Today was my lucky day! So I hobbled there to see what the experts say...

Lie on my bed thing. Does it hurt if I bend it this way? No, it hurts when I put weight on it. and really hurts when I go down stairs. What about if I bend it that way? Nope!

Result: Industrial grade anti inflammatory tabs. If not fixed in 3 weeks go back at the next available dead guy appointment to be referred to physiotherapy. Of course now it's night it's hurting like hell itself. Delayed reaction to the nice man giving it some twisting methinks.

And if that's not enough medical excitement tomorrow I get to have my eyes tested have them attempt to pimp me the latest designer frame specs.

I'm not looking forwards to growing old as I think I'll be dead by then.

Concrete

I want some.

Or more precisely I want to extend my garage, and fix a few other things that need immovable rock like fixing methods.

So I've bought from evilbay* one second hand concrete mixer machine. This could be seen as a lazy approach.
It could also be totally and utterly bloody stupid as a) I haven't a clue how it works (other than it goes round) and there's no manual and b) I don't know what the recipe is for concrete. Water. Cement. Sand. Few rocks. Dash of herbs to taste?

Methinks a trip to the DIY shoppe is in the near future. The one with the DIY for idiots leaflets. I can pretend to be getting them for somebody else.

*evilbay:
What ebay should really be called. Extra amusement points are gained when getting other people to say it. Being a 'tard I find it difficult to phone people I don't know. So the Ma gets the job. Ma, phone these people plz, I've bought a flux capacitor off evilbay.... Record was the time she said evilbay on the phone 3 times, and then again when we went to collect. The man had the "get these insane people off my property" look in his eyes.

Take the L

Frankly, it's not good news at chez C'riz.

Got an email from the seller of my rather expensive lathe. It is, he claims, unfixable. So I can have my money back, or wait five weeks while the slow boat from China brings more of them that hopefully do work.

This is not good, as if I take the cash I've still spent about £250 on other things for it that would then be useless. But if I wait I could get another lemon. It's a hard choice, but I've gone for wait. Better the devil I know and all that.

Sadness is felt, as a certain Miss. M continues to confuse and confound me. If I had half a brain I would move on and do something else and forget she ever existed. Oh look, flying porcines.

I have also bought a large quantity of plastic ducks. Which I know will sell over time, and was at 25% off normal price. Still feels rather scary spending £500 on toys though.

Enough about my boring life. You're (maybe) here for tubetastic Thursday.

I bring to you:
The motels - Take the L




It's true you know, take the L out of Lover and you do indeed get Over. Maybe they could have had a verse that goes "Add a C and it's clover"? Can you think of any more?

Youtard must also be psychic as well, as miserable alone me gets the in video advert that says "Have you signed up for plenty of fish yet?" No. I don't do dating sites thankyuovurrymuchC'rizhasleftthebuilding.

Lily Allen C*ck Punch

Lily Allen needs a punch in the cock. Ok, so maybe she hasn't got a penis like ladyboy gaga allegedly has, but if she has, she needs a punch there.

Now you may be wondering, C'riz, why the hate on poor Lily?

Well, actually up to now I've not cared much about her. She has "clever" lyrics, and sings in a whiny way. Which is fine if you like that sort of thing. To me all her songs blend into one indistinguishable whine. "Riding through the city on my whine when I see you cry it's not fair and I think you're really whine." Like that.

I'm annoyed about her 'featuring' on the latest KILLING TO DEATH of 'just be good to me'. Without her or some other 'name' to stick on it, it probably wouldn't have happened, or at least would not do as well.

I hate remakes like this. The formula is of course simple. Take a good song. Have someone mumble rubbish / rap / hip hop / sounds a bit like like eminem over the top of it, add a bit of masked swearing, dash of the hook from the original, and voila! Another song ruined.

Moaning ends.

Wind of change

Well, that was a fun week. Lie mode cancel...

Last week I went and brought home my rather expensive new toy. I would have blogged about it, apart from one problem, namely it's bloody useless. The more I played with it, the more problems became obvious.

So tomorrow the man who sold it me is coming to take it away again, and allegedly fix everything that is wrong with it. I'm not holding out much hope. He is of the type when it comes to pooters he's looking for the any key. I on the other hand, happen to have a very logical mind, and a degree in pooters & engineering jiggery pokery. I don't know exactly what's wrong with it, but I do know it isn't what he thinks it is.

Quite what happens next I'm not sure. I suspect he'll randomly swap bits and then tell me it's fixed even if it isn't. I think most normal people would be getting annoyed, but I don't do that sort of thing. Depressed, yes, shouty angry, no.

Anyways, I wanted to share an earworm with you. I was driving to asda, and this came on the radio. I've not heard it for ages, and spent most of the time in asda signing (badly) to myself. As it was late night, and there is only the shelf stacking people and a few customers I'm sure I was even more obviously a loon than normal. But c'est la vie.

I bring to you:
Scorpions - wind of change



Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow dream away
In the wind of change

If your tingly bits aren't tingling by now, then you're dead. Or never bought an 80's soft rock album.

Tales of the blatently obvious

As a child my dear father would never allow me to watch "tales of the unexpected" beyond the title bit. I think it was because he was afraid I'd suss it and make him look a (bigger) plank for not getting it even when it was explained in great detail to him.

The only one I can remember seeing was the first one, the bet your finger against my car that your lighter will light 10 times in a row one. Where the OMG shock was it wasn't his car, it belonged to his missus, who, Argh! was missing fingers! I wonder how that happened eh?

But the title theme was awesome, and I bring it to you now:



Woo! Wasn't that naked-lady-silhouette-tastic?

The theme was written by one Ron Grainer. Award yourself a small quantity of strawberries if you can think of another theme he wrote. Or a Big D hat if you can't.

Additional bonus related video thing:

Tubetastic Thursday - lost in the 50's tonight

To celebrate this spurt of blogging, I'm bringing back the youtube lazy crutch.

I bring to you:
Ronnie Milsap - Lost in the 50's tonight



Ok, so it's a stolen rework of the five satins - in the still of the night, but I still like it.

Dr Why?

Attention persons who a) watch doctor who, and b) haven't seen episode 11- the lodger.

I have advice for you:
Purchase a can of paint. Magnolia is always a good colour choice, neutral, goes well with anything. Paint something. Watch it dry. Just don't watch ep. 11 or you will regret it.

You may be asking, but why is it so awful? I'll tell ya...

Schwiiiing Amy Pond spends the entire episode doing nothing but practise her star trek wobbly camera thing in the tardis. They could have given her this episode off and saved a couple of quid. "cheerio then Amy, see you when you've done your shopping!" would have been a lot more believable.

There is a fat man as "guest star". I don't know who he is without looking at the credits, but it obvious he's supposed to be funny, and perhaps is on other stuff on tv. Fat blokes are always funny. Ha Ha.

The "problem that must be resolved" makes NO BLOODY SENSE AT ALL.

So the alien ship thing is killing peeps as it attempts to find someone suitable as a pilot. Ok, this is bad and should be stopped. BUT... if it does find a pilot it will take off, and destroy the universe in the process.... HUH??????

So you're telling me in some alien society they build a spacecraft, look at our new wonderful space craft! There's only the tiny flaw that every time it leaves somewhere that place gets totally destroyed, but it's only a minor flaw.... Best only build one to see how it goes... oops, we appear to have wiped ourselves out launching it...

And if you can accept that nonsense, how does it tie in to Amy (in the tardis), in a totally different place will get doomed into the vortex if said ship launches???

Trust me on the magnolia.

What's the damage?

I don't know, the damage report machine's been damaged.

While on my fruitless trip yesterday an annoying alert light kept coming on my dash. Flicker flicker flicker. Stays on a bit. Flicker.

So today I looked it up, just in case it means something important. It's telling me there is water in my diesel. This cannot be a good thing.

So I googled what to do next. And the answer is the light has two functions, not one. One function is indeed to tell you there is water in your fuel. The other function is to tell you that the water in fuel sensor has failed. Suggested course of action, drain the filter and see if there's any water there.

Naturally, I have no water. But do have a bit of a dilemma. I can 'fix it' by unplugging the sensor so the light stays off. But what if I ever really did get water, and didn't know about it? That could be bad... But so's £30 for a sensor that goes wrong like clockwork according to some sources.

So continues the love / hate car relationship.

On not getting new toys

Just in case you want to save some time: New toy, I have not got.

Longer story:
A few weeks back I went to the model engineering exhibition. And there is a man, selling cnc lathes. £2600 each says his sign. I want one. I want one bad. So I do my very best attempt at being human and ask him questions, which actually went quite well considering. Prolly 'cos once I get into geek zone, or engineer zone I forget I'm scared of humanity, and feel confident to talk geek.

The man says, make an appointment, come to my workshop, try one out working and if you like it give me money and take it away. For the win!

So today I went to his workshop. Saw it working. Yes, I would like one of your machines, here be my credit card, my car is outside, plz to load it up.

"Oh, I can't do that!" he says. Er, why not?

Apparently I have to bring the pc I want to make it work to him first, and he has to prove it works with my pc before I'm allowed to take one away. Otherwise I will get home and plug it into my pc and it won't work and I will be too stupid to work out why and will phone him up and it will be awful.

Of course as I'm terrified of phones I wouldn't be phoning him under any circumstances. And getting things to work that don't is all part of the fun surely?

But no. He won't sell to me today. So no new toy. It's also annoying that I've lost a day that I should have been working, and £40 worth of diesel, and I get to do it again next week.

*cough*

Well, that worked brilliantly. Not. Blogging by mobile when you have a) a rubbish mobile and b) are on an island that has naff all signal, not the best of plans.

So I'm back. There is a huge amount of (boring, physical day job) work to do before I can even begin to think about fun things like going thru my photos.

Did I have fun? Yes... and no. Parts where great, but my twisted mind won't allow me to enjoy things, and so the bad bits are magnified.

There's also the sad bit of confirmation of what I really knew all along, but wouldn't allow myself to believe was true. I feel hurt, but more sad that it is so. I suppose it shows that I only believe the best in people. Or that I'm just a fool for a pretty face.

Isn't technology brilliant?

No. No it isn't.

On Friday I'm off on a quest. I may have mentioned it before (cough) to visit the land of the Misty, & steal her away to exciting places full of fun.

I then thought, I could do a Psuedonymph and blog as I go. True, not as exciting a trip, but well, I don't do excitement.

Snag #1 is I don't have a Jesus phone. I'm lucky my rather olde LG manages to make voice calls actually. The interweb browsing on it is a bit pants to say the least. But fear not! You can email your posts to blogger, and it will do magic things and your post will appear!

Which leads to snag #2: The emails a bit rubbish on it too. But I can run movamail to get round that, yay! Except it doesn't publish the attached photos like it should... Well, more like attach a photo and it does nuffin.

But you can't keep a geek down, and I have a work around for it. Movamail > flickr, and flickr will then automagically give blogger a kick up the bum and post the pic for me.

Well, it may all work. I may even be having too much fun to do it all....

I'm very tired now, but I feel I must also share something with you... this:


Not sure exactly why I love this, but it is brilliant to N decimal places. Yes it is. YES!

Test

Test test
--
Sent from my Mobile phone via http://www.movamail.com.
Get your Mobile IM (MSN/Yahoo/AIM/ICQ/GTalk/QQ/More) at http://www.movamessenger.com.

Runaway Train

That's time, that is. Starts out slow and safe, and then hurtles you to your doom.

I will explain.

~Wavy lines back to 16th February~
I suggest to the duck obsessed one that perhaps it would be fun for all to meet up and go do something. Teh Misty likes this idea. Time at this point is in treacle mode, as there be a clash between my obsessive need to plan everything, and Misty's desire to sort it out sometime.

But we worked it out to everyone's satisfaction, and all I have to do is wait. Time continues to stagnate. The days crawl on, but it still feels like years away.

Until today. Now some git has engaged the warp drive, and it's all getting very scary very fast. I don't have enough time. Two weeks left, and I've got to get my car repaired & MOT'd. I need to see a man about some rather expensive machinery I want to buy. The day job is backing up with fools who don't know what they want, but buy it anyway as they can make it my problem to sort out. I also need to plan how I'm going to shut down the job and dare to take time off.

I'm sure it will all work out fine, but in the mean time it would be fair to say I'm not actually enjoying it that much. Still, if at the end Misty tells me she's had a nice time (and isn't lying out of politeness) it will have been worth it.

You're still here? Have an earworm then: