Say goodbye to all of this...

Songs I bought on 7 inch vinyl : Sunglasses

2012-01-26T00:07:00.002Z

Still not dead here... but not a lot of excitement to report. So have this instead:

Tracey Ullman - Sunglasses.

Purchased as an ex jukebox 7 inch for 20p from thoms. I no longer have it, as my stupid sister stole it, took it with her when she moved out and then threw it away. Thanks sis!

Two tribes

2012-01-12T00:39:00.001Z

A lazy blog. And a Godley & Creme production I believe.

it's not fair

2012-01-09T00:19:00.002Z

and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean
yes I think you're really mean

Sang Lily Allen.

Idiot Girl's version had a few more fucks and other similar words in it, and she wasn't talking about poor sexy tiem.

Her complaint was 2 days after seeing a flash of light behind her car, she has a letter saying your car was observed speeding, tell us who was driving. 37mph in a 30 zone. But it's NOT FAIR she got caught... it was dark n raining right, so they shouldn't try to catch you when you're too busy concentrating to notice their silly speed trap.....

Er, if you drove at the speed limit, a) they wouldn't catch you, and b) you wouldn't have to concentrate as hard....

Stolen

2012-01-03T00:54:00.004Z

Idiot Girl has had her sat nav stolen from her car.
There are no prizes for guessing it's down to her own stupidity.

A) She leaves it in the car when not using it. WRONG!

B) It's stolen without damage to the car.

Eh? How did they get in Idiot Girl?
She doesn't know!
Did you lock it?
I don't have to lock it, it locks itself!

The penny drops.

Idiot Girl is too lazy to press the lock button on the key after getting out of the car. Thus she's been leaving it unlocked, and that's where the theft comes in...

For she is wrong-didly-wrong in her assumption. If you unlock the car, and don't drive off within 5 minutes it does indeed lock itself again. But once you start the engine said function is disabled, which makes sense otherwise all the petrol stations would be blocked with locked kias and bemused owners.

So she expects you to feel sorry for her. Instead you're left with anger that she's so bloody lazy....

Happy new year

2012-01-01T01:02:00.001Z

They say end on a song, so I will............

Is there a doctor in the house?

2011-12-22T00:29:00.002Z

So today I went back to see the neurologist guy. Who is called Dr. Khan. Which means while I'm in the waiting room I keep getting flashbacks to The Shatner... like this:

I'm 300% certain that Dr. Khan is going to give me the brush off, or tell me to come back in 6 months. I am wrong.

He says my MRI scan was 'normal', whatever that means. But he wants to do more tests. I am to go for an 'visual evoked potential' test. I've had this before... the thing I remember most is the man sanding my head to glue electrodes to it. Meh....

Dr Khan then says if this doesn't show anything, he think a lumbar puncture would be a good idea. I think it's more of a mega terrifying prospect, but what doth I know? If you know more, plz use the space below to tell all:

SPACE ENDS.

Lazy blog time:

Hah! Fooled you! Bet you thought I would go for "doctor! doctor!" by the twins of thompson. I'm not always obvious you know.....

Smoke gets in your eyes

2011-12-16T00:57:00.002Z

Aka funeral time.

Dead guy arrives by horse drawn carriage. Is it wrong that the first thing I think is "I bet they're expecting to scam someone else into paying for this?"

Shuffle into chapel effort to "when a child is born"... not sure of the relevance of this track.

Bullshit bullshit ^n about said dead guy.

Shuffle out to "I will always love you".... again with the relevance thing... I'm sure the lyric intent is about leaving someone you love, but whom with the relationship is now untenable.

Bonus of daughter (14) refusing to leave, with random screaming of "I want my dad".

Seconds of entertainment for er, seconds.

I cheer myself up with this classic recording from Blaster Bates:

Dead wrong

2011-12-14T00:09:00.003Z

Uncle 'everybody hates' is dead. We are now officially in the bizarro zone.

Weird #1:
Aunt big mouth (who isn't married to UEH) phoned everybody in, er JULY to say he was about to die any minute... now. A soupcon premature.... BUT... she is then aware that he's down to the final few hours for real this time.... SO decides to go shopping and not tell anyone.

Next day, by the time she gets around to it he's been deado for hours.

Weird #2:
Aunt airhead (the new widow) decides the best way forwards is to go for a full english breakfast with extra bacon at a town centre cafe. She is later observed not winning at bingo.

Evil #1:
Idiot girl thinks of everything possible to say to upset Ma Ma. Sadly it's against the rules to kill her to death and ask for a discount if monster Joe gets rid of two bodies.

Things to come:
Putting the 'fun' in 'funeral'.

Aunt airhead has booked a fry up job, with funeral transportation by horse drawn carriage. Your humble narrator suspects airhead thinks you can order anything you like for funerals, and the government will pay for it. This be wrong to N decimal places.

Aunt big mouth proclaims you can wear bright colours if you want. I can't wait to see the idiots who turn up looking like Colin Baker era doctor who.

I'm going to struggle with the service. It's a cert that it will be difficult not to shout "Bullshit!" a lot as the lies are read out.

Feel free to enter the 'music to close the curtains to" song sweepstakes:

Likely candidates are:
Wind beneath my wings.
Robin hood (riding thru the glen)
Fire starter.

And my own personal worst nightmare:
Aunts big mouth & airhead doing a karaoke duet of "I will always love you.....", as they both think they will be appearing on the next series of Britain's got talent, despite being rejected 7 times so far..

Full event report to come.... possibly including reports of my arrest for punching my mega annoying cousin, and then trying to blame it on grief....

Blah more sleeps till Satan

2011-12-05T00:39:00.003Z

Soon be Christmas. I can tell cos the shops have had evil music playing for two months now.

So far I've received zero cards. Just to be sure I counted them twice.
But it doesn't get me down. There's a long list of things that does, but if I had a therapist he'd tell me to shut the hell up already.

How was your day?

On not learning

2011-11-29T00:08:00.003Z

My CNC lathe has died. Overall I think it's about broken even on products made Versus cost of said machine. Or to put it another way, I'd have been no worse off if I'd not bought the bloody thing.

Engage the not learning:
Wednesday am is now booked for my CNC milling machine being delivered.

The justifying difference is I'm buying this one from a nice man ™.

I've bought a (different) CNC lathe from him before, and when it went wonky he refunded my money. He's also supplying on the terms of he delivers the mill, and I pay him for it later when I'm happy that it does what I want. So hopefully this won't end in tears....

Some hearts are diamonds

2011-11-24T00:03:00.000Z

Some hearts are stone.

Sing it fella from Smokie!

This was on a cd I was listening to sat on the train corridor floor while coming back from getting my tea signed.

BTW, if you want to freak people out, use a sony cd walkman. Watch their eyes spin like fruit machine reels as they try to work it out. They understand headphones, but then their eyes follow the wire, and where's the ipod? W T and indeed F!!!!
Note that I'm not totally behind the curve, as mine will play mp3 cd's. I just don't want to buy into the ipod thing after I discovered the battery is an integral part of it. I like my tech to work for decades, not years thank you vury much!

Er, where was I? Oh yah, Chris Norman, ex Smokie. Big in Germany you know... No surprise it was a German made cd. Ist gud, Jah?

In other news, twas the Misty's birthday this week. I resisted the urge to send her anything, not even a card. It's odd after all this time she's still got the power to make me feel miserable. Never mind, I'm sure when the final scales are used peeps will get what they deserve...

Er, rambling. Sleep now. Sleep good.

Excitement! Adventure!

2011-11-21T23:41:00.003Z

All of the above have been lacking recently. So on Sunday I did something about it.

I got on the train, and went to not so sunny Birmingham. Where they be holding a 'meet the stars' type event, aka "Empty your wallet on entering plz".

But it was good... apart from the wallet emptying. Those on facebook may have observed my best gimp photo expression with "doctor who classic companions". AKA we used to be on doctor who but aren't now, but why not make a bob or two out of it?

This, however was the warm up to the big challenge. Their 'special guest' was Arthur Darvill, aka Rory on the current doctor who line up. Queue here, pay the man, queue a bit more, say hello to mr. Darvill, he signs your picture, say goodbye.

Except I did it slightly differently. Er, can you have anything signed, or just the supplied photo? Minder tells me I can get anything signed. Oh good!

For I came prepared you see... Hello... could you plz sign me this packet of tea?
Er, yes.... Why?
Why not? The fates of the world could rest on it!

Tea is signed. Plz to get this nutter away from me. Bye!

You know dear reader, it felt good to be odd. I think I'm going to have to try and inject more random strangeness into my life. Suggestions what on a carte postal SVP.

Fast or slow?

2011-11-17T00:03:00.000Z

You must choose. Choose wisely!

Fast:

Or slow it down:

Remember kids, gamblin's for fools....

Brian Damage

2011-11-15T23:49:00.002Z

I have a letter. It says "I find no problems with this gentleman's brain'.

I also have an appointment for December, where presumably they will expand on this statement.

Woo, and perhaps hoo...

Albert and the lion

2011-11-10T00:01:00.001Z

On with it:

Sadly times change, and Blackpool is now noted for drunken idiots and tacky strip clubs. But that's progress for you.

I am a number.

2011-11-07T23:24:00.003Z

Not a free man. I'm sure I've heard something like that before somewhere...

The big excitement for the day being I am now "HQ49719".
Put the aforementioned number on an envelope instead of a stamp, book the order on the interweb et voila! my post becomes 15 - 30% cheaper instantly.

As I'm paying them £7000 per year to deliver my junk, this is quite a saving. Quite what I'm going to do with said saving I'm not sure. I had this vague idea about excitement and adventure, but it's not really me. Suggestions on a postcard!

Also 'enjoying' the pain thing. Caused by extending my shack of doom. I'm quite willing to admit to being useless at construction, and this time is no different. But it may be worth it in the end. Maybe....

The drugs don't work

2011-10-27T00:24:00.002+01:00

So I went to Sheffield for my MRI scan.

It didn't start well. Car park this way says the sign. This way I went. Car park is a multi storey. Max height 1.83m. My car is 1.9m. That's a no then. Fortunately found a surface space.

Went in the hospital, and a feeling of "this place is knackered" was evident. Dirty, peeling paint, worn out. Went to the reception, and she tells me here is your form, you have to follow the blue line on the floor, but it's a bit worn out. More like there are random spots of blue left here and there. But never mind.

By now I'm expecting the MRI machine to be steam powered, and for them to ask if I've brought any coal for it. But no! There is the usual plaque on the wall. MRI department opened by... and the date is April 2011. So the machinery is new and shiny.

I get jammed in a plastic tube for 15 mins. Fortunately the small space, and noise doesn't bother me. By the end I'm losing time perception, and almost drift off somewhere else. Methinks I would quite like to try one of those flotation tank things..

So I escape, and am told that I will get an appointment for the results at some point. We drive off, and my radio comes back to life as I get closer to home. It's playing the verve - the drugs don't work. Ohhhh spooky!

Success! Fail! Fear!

2011-10-26T00:01:00.000+01:00

We've got it all at C'riz towers.

Success was I phoned the post office people. Using a real phone. And talked to two different humans. And convinced them to do my bidding.

The result of this is I'm now officially applied to have a PPI account. The nice lady says I qualify, and will get it finalised in a couple of weeks. The exciting upshot being I will get post at "business" rate, not man in the street rate. With my own license number.

More exciting, at a quick calculate it will save me £1000 per year. What do I spend my riches on?

Fail was I misplaced the email she sent me. No problem, i'll login to the webmail system that keeps everything. And there it is. I also checked the settings to see why it was missing, to find something odd.

Apparently I'm called "Dave Gulzar" and not C'riz at all. And I've setup to forwards everything to a gmail account... And sent mail show I sent a few thousand people a message inviting them to claim a share of $20 bajillion dollars once they help me, er, Dave, get it out of Nigeria.

I think that counts as my account has been hacked. Sad face = on. Angry face is then on as I try to fight virgin's crap system to change the bloody password and delete 'Dave'. Tis done now, and settings changed that logining in for the first time on any pooter needs a code SMSing to my phone. That should fix it!

Fear is in exactly 13 hours I get jammed into a plastic tube for an MRI scan. Results of which will be notified at some later date says the letter.
Translation: Somebody else can tell you you're going to die, not us.

All I want for Christmas

2011-10-24T00:03:00.000+01:00

is glue..... I think that's how the song goes.

Idiot Girl has announced what she desires. Prepare yourself to be shocked. A KINDLE.

I gave you ample bracing time!

Yes, Idiot Girl wants one of Amazon's electronic book thingies. I think this is rather a stupid idea. Idiot Girl's idea of a 'dead good' book is either a) Latest crap twilight vampire nonsense or more commonly b) misery porn. "The really awful story of a poor child, and the wonderful social worker who saved him/her/it" would be her dream title.

Besides the kindle obvious problems of IG will break it / forget to charge it / be too thick to use it, there's the snag that the books are really expensive. Deffo not sold below cost like the paper versions are at the supermarket......

Moi? Well as usual I want leaving the hell alone. You don't need expensive gifts to 'prove' you care.

Crime and punishment

2011-10-20T19:57:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow is Friday. Which means it's stained glass class day!

Or 'Paedophile lock down simulator'...

It's now been moved to a skool. Where there are ankle biters at the same time. So you go to reception, sign in and are given your identity badge. You must wear it at all times. You must wait by reception, and not interact with others until the tutor comes to collect you. At this point everyone can be moved to E wing, er the classroom.

Once in class, should you require anything, eg visit to the little boys room you must call reception, await the warder, who will then take you to the toilet.

We went for coffee. As a group, for of course the rules say no one can be left behind. Most of us went down the stairs, the ones less able to walk took the lift. To find the unsmiling droids, blasters aimed. 'You are new here, so we will overlook this mistake once. Do not separate the group again'.

One fool asked about going for a smoke. To be told he must sign out of the building, walk off the premises to the roundabout. (1 mile away). He decided to quit for the day.

What makes it so extra stupid is several times ankle biters randomly wondered into our area. If we're so dangerous, why don't they keep the civilians away from us?

It's rather lacking in fun......

Words with fiends

2011-10-14T00:01:00.000+01:00

So I've played a bit of the scrabble like game thing on the book of face. And learned a few things.

1) I'm crap at the knowing of words.

2) Other people know words I have to look up in the dictionary. (I'm looking at you Crawford).

3) It contains words that are made up. Having been bomped several times by people playing 'qis' I looked it up. It's the plural of 'qi'. : see ch'i.
This makes my head hurt. There should be a mode where you have to use the word you're playing in a sentence to prove you've not made it up. But no doubt this would happen.

4) I'm now taking the strategy of play my crap words on the triple point square things. And think about it hard while people on the other side of the planet are sleeping.

*************

In other news, the stained glass class starts today. But in a new location. A school. In school hours. One suspects there will be school pupils there. This cannot end well, and I'm rather unhappy about the prospect.

I had a dream last night

2011-10-13T00:03:00.000+01:00

I'd somehow managed to piss off Barack Obama and Arthur Scargill. Worse, they both turned up at my house at the same time to tell me how angry they where.

Mr Obama arrived in that big car of his with lots of agent Smith look a likes. Mr Scargill turned up in a 2.8 granada, with two blokes with NUM donkey jackets, and a whippet. I was most scared of the whippet.

Tell me of your dreams?

Lazy blog:

Things to come

2011-10-12T00:01:00.000+01:00

I was sent this photo:

Just in case you're doing the Rolf Harris 'can you tell what it is kids?" thing, I'll tell you. It's potentially my new toy, and route to world domination.

It's a CNC milling machine. Which I asked the vendor thereof to demonstrate that it can drill lots of dice. This is his solution. With a bit of up-scaling I think it could be a winner.

In related news, I am having a nice man visit tomorrow @ 8am. Who will attempt to show me how to build a wall in the rain, cold and wind. Yes, it's going to be awful.

Waiting for the end of time

2011-10-06T00:37:00.002+01:00

Had this stuck in my head all day, so I'll share and maybe it will escape...

I think the car was prolly a yugo...

Flid

2011-10-05T00:07:00.002+01:00

or Ma Ma makes a crap day worse.

Been feeling rather depressed, everything going wrong, alone in a godless universe, out of shake n vac etc.

I'm in the garage doing the work thing badly. She comes in and says 'Lynn' from the doctors phoned, I said you'd ring them back. Er, what did she want? Oh, you didn't bother asking... thanks a buncheroonie.

For new readers, I hate using phones with a fiery vengeance. Especially having to cold call someone who I don't know when I don't have a clue what it's about. Add in the background radiation misery and I'm seriously not happy. Ma Ma is oblivious, as it's all so easy for her.

So I did it. Turns out they want me to have a flu jab. Er, no. I should be feeling woo! for managing to do it, but instead I replay everything I said and criticize it in my head. I know it's wrong, but it's so easy to fall back into old patterns of thinking, and in a way comforting too if that makes any sense.

Ahead, flid factor 9 mr Sulu.

After the sun the rain

2011-10-04T00:38:00.002+01:00

as teh hymn thing goes...

Sunny bit:

We be currently in a heatwave. Hottest day in October ever sort of thing. So I stopped doing the work thing and took Ma Ma to Haworth. The above be her attempt to take on a medium cone.

Happy was had by one and all. There was ice cream. Insanely steep hills to walk and drive up and down. Trains. Sunshine. Book shops. Park. Tea. Woo and indeed yay!

Here comes the rain again:
Of course I've been paying for it ever since. Mega tonnage of work to do for having a day off. Which I've been doing and almost caught up with now. Except my cnc lathe has now decided to throw a wobbler. Just when I need it. The z axis stepper motor has started stalling on fast moves, so getting the position wrong and ruining the work. I'm at a loss why, for nothing has changed. Tis scaring me silly, as usual when anything goes wrong with said machine.

Idiot Girl is back from her weekend keg, and has turned the stupidity up a notch or five. She's supposed to be ill, and has a signed sick note. Only snag is she's going to the donkey show this week for 2 days, then she's off drinking herself stupid(er) at chavvy shitehole butlins all weekend. This doesn't sound like being ill at all to me.

Then next week she's going to start driving again, but if anyone from work sees her, she was just practising, and she can't really drive yet and so can't possibly go back to work. The usual Idiot Girl urine extraction grade plans. ~sigh~.

In other news I've been CC'd in the the letter from the brain people at the hospital to my vets. It's all quite long words, but from googling it, there's something wrong and time for an MRI to see if that gives them any clues what.
Engage the return of my olde friend the cold ball of ice in the stomach area of doom. It wouldn't be that important if I go wonky in itself, but who will look after Ma Ma if I do? Still, there's always the hope they'll give me the Gallic shrug, 'dunno kid' and the advise to come back if I die unexpectedly.

APILB

2011-09-29T00:01:00.000+01:00

Angry person in local blog.... that's me that is.

A lot of said anger is of course caused by Idiot Girl.

She had the plates removed from her foot, and contrary to what she thought is not taking a staring role opposite Michael Flatley in lard of the dance.
I'd be inhuman if I didn't feel a soupcon sorry for the idiot, except she's extracting the urine.

OMG! I'm in so much pain I can't do anything! I need someone to come and change channels on TV for the pain is so unbearable that I cannot use the remote control...

This may be true... Except every weekend when twonko #2 arrives said pain suddenly gets better, and it's rite keg to the max. Strangely there's a remission as soon as the lardy lump sods off home.

Ma Ma is also winding me up with the ebay gig. I sell dice. 20 of them says the advert... But I send the lucky buyer 21, on the baker's dozen system of doing things. I can't be bothered to check every single die for problems, so 1 more = 5%, and it's unlikely they're made >5% defective.

The wind up is every freeking time I sell 40 she asks do they get 2 extra then? Yes, yes they do. She then proceeds to weigh them to 'be sure'. Ma, one extra die isn't going to weigh 100 grams more. It will weigh exactly the same as the last lot. stop it plz!!!

Friends are also annoying.

Eddie Shovelhands for reasons unknown wants to purchase a laptop for his 8 year old child. Which should he buy? Er, any of them... they're all the same these days... just don't buy the cheapest. Simples! Er, no.
I've had about 4.9 billion phone calls that go "Are X any good?". Repeat until you can't take it any more. Methinks he should be more worried about small child breaking it than the maker.

I've also been promised by a bloke who can that he will come and build me a wall. No problem mate, only take an hour. Cancelled on me 3 times so far. I need the wall as the next step in world domination, so looks like the world will be safe for some time yet.

Someone else who is angry: Mr Anderson

Methinks he's angry 'cos Shazza's had all the snags off the barbie and there's only XXXX left to drink.

Everybody hurts

2011-09-22T00:15:00.004+01:00

So REM finally gives up.

I remember once waking up in front of the tv at 3am with one of those late night phone in shows on. The topic was 'songs for funerals'. Someone suggested 'everybody hurts'...

'Not as much as the guy in the faaackin box!' said an anonymous caller.
Don't know why, but that's always stayed in the back of my mind as true wisdom.

Lazy blog:

Testing times

2011-09-21T00:20:00.004+01:00

So I went to the hospital today to see the neurology people.

Hello, I'm Dr. Khan. This here is a student.... he's going to pretend he knows what he's doing, then I'll come in and sort the mess out in a bit.

~Dr. Khan exits~

So..... why are you here today?

Well Mummy and Daddy said they loved each other very much.... Oh, you mean 'plz describe what's wrong with you'?

Well, nothing.... this may have something to do with it being 4 months since I was urgently referred to this department..... Sorry, I got better (I think) .... but feel free to have a guess what was wrong in the first place.

Man then runs me thru lots of silly tests... including does it hurt when I stab you with this lancet? How about here? OW. stop it plz!

~Student exits, Dr. Khan returns~
I'll just do a few tests...... ~stabby etc~

OW! Plz to stop testing, my response to sharp objects has not changed in the last 90 seconds.

Dr. Khan's conclusion is:
a) I don't like sharp objects.
b) I appear mostly better with only a few symptoms vaguely detectable.
c) Will send me for an MRI scan as it's possible there will be some evidence of damage which would give him more of a clue what had gone wrong than sticking me with lancets does.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's idiot girl's turn tomorrow when she goes for her stitches removing. I think she's being rather optimistic.... She can't walk very far now, but plans to walk 2 miles back from the hospital once the stitches are removed.

Methinks I will get a phone call to collect her, location 25 yards from the hospital.

Stay

2011-09-15T00:37:00.002+01:00

Lazy blog time:

I've wondered what the gaff is with this song for a while. Like it starts out all slow, and then someone puts 50p in the meter, and it suddenly rocks out...

Slight snag being the video makes bugger all sense either. Would anyone care to interpret what's going on?

Tell me why?

2011-09-13T00:11:00.000+01:00

Monday, 9pm. A message: ask seller a question.

The woman wants 20 dice (the plastic cubes with numbers that I've recently started selling), but must have them by Thursday and is willing to pay for special delivery.

Why can't people plan ahead? Shirley you don't start looking so late in the game.

More importantly, why do I feel bad that it's costing twice the dice value to send them? It's not like I'm getting the 'special' money.

Lazy blog... I find this quite brilliant...

Multiple fail

2011-09-12T00:00:00.002+01:00

There are several types of fail. Most where observed this weekend.

Idiot girl demonstrated "I told you so I told you, but you would pay no heed", by going to her 'rite keg' and having a truly awful time. She was in agony after standing for more than 30 seconds. Will she do it differently next time? Somehow I doubt it.

As I was on the 'no keg' list 'cos we are IG's designated dog dumping zone, I decided to make use of the time by calling in some favours and getting my new concrete floor made. So I phoned Eddie Shovelhands (who's actually called Rick, but does have large hands).

Eddie assures me he knows how to use a cement mixer. Eddie is lying! Fail #2, believing people when you can see it's wrong.....
He says of course you can get 3 bags of ballast & 1 bag of cement in the cement mixer... and you could.... until you add the water and turn it on. At this point it proceeds to throw cement violently everywhere. We are both covered in cement, as is my car and garage. He then concedes I may have been right and we should have used the buckets to measure a smaller amount.

Eventually the floor is laid, and concrete removed from most surfaces where it's not supposed to be.

I watch doctor who on tv, which is not exactly sparkling. I then watch last night of the proms, which is also moderately poor until the last bit with the standard British conquer the planet stuff..

Sunday rolls round, and Idiot girl announces she's cutting the keg short due to having a shite time. Marvellous.... So I can have keg now, as long as I make it quick. So we go to Bolton. For the mill engine museum.

Except when we get there Idiot girl phones to say she's put the foot in the shower, despite instructions of don't get the dressing wet, and now oddly it's wet. Shower, water, wet, who would have thought it?
So we spend an hour driving around attempting to find a chemist. We find several closed ones and no open ones. We then realise the answer is tell Idiot Girl to tell twonko #2 to get off his big fat arse, go to the chemist in our town that is open and buy appropriate supplies. Why we didn't think of this an hour earlier I don't know.

We go back to the museum. Lots of steam and a few hundred tonnes of machinery moving slowly. Heaven!

Ma Ma, would you like some coffee? Yes. She then DOES IT AGAIN! Asks the person for a "weak coffee". followed 5 minutes later by declaring this coffee tastes horrible!
That would be because you have coloured water, and not coffee. She then pours hers into my cup, so I now have ruined coffee also. Why she keeps doing this I have no idea... but I'm going to drink only tea from this point on.

Of course Ma Ma is only concerned about little miss stupid, so shortly afterwards my day out is cut very short and it's back home again.

*******************

It has come to my attention that this Friday, Wheatus, of 'teenage dirtbag' (baby) fame are playing my one horse town. Should I go? It could be fun? Only slight snag I can see is that's their only song that I'm familiar with.... did they do anything else? Does it matter?

Prolly won't go I suspect.... (fear fail!)

There can be only one!

2011-09-09T00:06:00.001+01:00

No, not highlander. There can be only one person allowed to have fun, and to cut a long story short it's idiot girl.

She came out of hospital on Wednesday. Twonko #2 appears for his "riding lesson". Instead of telling him to fuc... er, go away, Idiot Girl and her newly operated on foot go to a damp field and dick around with horse.

So not much of a shock that today she feels awful, and is rather ill. Free clue Idiot Girl, most sensible people come out of hospital and take it easy...

She has also got the weekend kegged up to the max, which makes me rather annoyed. There is something I want to do, that I can only do on 3 days per year. But hey, I can stay home and look after the dog while she attempts to keg despite not being able to stand for more than 30 seconds.

Methinks I'd even go as far as saying she's a mega selfish stupid bint. I can't do my thing, just so she can go and fail at doing her thing, and then afterwards I'm supposed to feel sorry for poor little miss kegged too much and is now suffering.

Yes, I could leave the dog as Ma Ma's problem and go on my own, but that doesn't show much in the way of solidarity amongst the dumped on does it?

Plz to tell me your bestest joke to cheer me up?

True faith

2011-09-08T00:19:00.002+01:00

Lazy blog Engage! Make it so number one!

I'm not sure if this is my favourite new order track. Obviously it's this or blue monday, but if blue monday which version? 88 prolly.

What doth you think?

She stood on the bridge at midnight

2011-09-07T00:01:00.000+01:00

Her lips where all a quiver
She gave a cough
Her leg fell off
And floated down the river.

Ok, so that was my fantasy of what would happen. What really happened is Idiot Girl survived surgery, and continued to be Idiot Girl.

As expected we are kept totally in the dark. We don't know where in the hospital she is. She hasn't told us anything at all. There is no communication to say she back in the land of living. So we do detective work, and find she's on ward 28. To the batmobile!

Oh look it's idiot Girl:

This is 15 minutes into her ranting with every second word being the F bomb.

She's unhappy 'cos they're keeping her ass in overnight. They're unhappy 'cos they thought they where getting rid of her... until they found out she lives alone, and teh rules say no escape for you. Thus they have no bed planned for her. It's all their F'n fault says the charming Idiot Girl. They counter this by her records saying she's married to Twonko and lives with him.

I don't care who's fault it is. I just stare out the window while she continues to swear about the staff, her treatment, the colour of the walls, the theatre staff's command of English, the machine that goes bleep and everything else she can think of.
40 minutes later we leave. I can hear her swearing all the way to the lift as she phones Twonko #2.

On death

2011-09-06T00:14:00.004+01:00

Not taxes.

By now most of the interweb connected world will have seen the google Freddie Mercury thing.

Maybe it's Elvis for my generation, I can remember where I was when I heard he'd died. (On a bus going to Salford, for a 'how to do really well in maths a level' conference type thing). I can't picture what he would have been like at 65.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More death!

Idiot Girl goes for surgery tomorrow. Before leaving her new beau (Must think of a name for him, twonko #2 doesn't really work) said that if she dies, can he have her dog?

I doubt she will.... Remember how she tried to remove her foot by the medium of horse? And how said foot is held together with lots of metal plates... well she gets pain in said foot, and so has convinced some idiot to remove said plates, and she won't have pain ever again....

Well that's what she thinks. I'm more of the opinion that chronic pain is a likely outcome of trying to remove your foot, and without the supporting metal work it's quite likely she'll go out on a keg, get drunk, fall over and smash said foot into a bajillion pieces. But I could be wrong. I'm not a doctor and haven't played one on tv.

Keg part deux

2011-09-05T00:04:00.004+01:00

For those with short memories, in part 1 we did the train thing, and the overpriced photo shopped cable car / cave experience.

The next day comes, and again Ma Ma doth not know what she wants to do. So I take her to a castle. History. Education. English heritage and their kerchinging tills.

Sadly it full of bloody ankle biters, who are all armed with imitation weaponry. I offer to buy Ma Ma a crossbow but she declines. Instead she tries out a rather placid horse.

We go home and I do the work thing.

But wait! Tis a bank holiday, so lets go for three days of keg in a row! I've given up on asking Ma Ma where she wants to go. I decide this one is to be where I want to go, and if she doesn't like it, well she did have two chances to make her own choice that she didn't take.

We set off, following the sat nav. Turn left says the woman in the box. Left is a very narrow winding B road. This will be fun! We have a conversation about how many idiots follow the satellite instructions blindly. 5 seconds later we are almost killed to death by someone doing just that coming the opposite direction.
The road is slightly wider than 1 car wide. He has one of those giant double cab pickup things, towing a giant caravan. Add in it's a 60 mph limit so you must drive at 60, and I'm facing a lot of death coming the other direction. Fortunately impact is avoided.

We arrive! At the Anson Engine Museum. Not very many points on offer for guessing what they have here... Just in case you're stuck, see Ma Ma's famous pointing skills in action:

Tis a museum charting the history of the engine. Lots of gas engines. Crazy 'volunteers' who run around gathering crowds randomly..... come this way, Stuart's going to be starting the gardener diesel!

It doesn't take long before everywhere you look there's something going chug chug chug...

I'm rather enjoying myself. Ma Ma is tolerating it quite well especially after being bribed with cake. They have some seriously odd stuff, like the 4 stroke engine, that somehow manages to do 4 strokes in 1 turn of the flywheel. Clicky if you want to try and work it out.

Ma Ma buys me a present that I love and slightly hate at the same time. It's a mug for tea. With a capacity of 1 pint. So there's lots of tea goodness, but a) it's heavy to start and b) you do feel slightly ill after drinking it all or you can go slower but have to put up with the last bit being cold. Or fill it with some other beverage.

Keg ends.

We are of course lightweights in the keg department compared to the genius that is idiot girl. Her rescheduled elective surgery is on Tuesday. Saturday night she has booked a night away at a hotel, to see teh rocky horror picture show. This can't end badly can it?

Stupid contest

2011-09-02T00:11:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was an unplanned stupid contest between Idiot Girl and myself.

My dumb move was the purchase of a petrol powered hedge trimmer.
No, I didn't start any fires or lose any body parts. What I forgot is said machines are powered by two stroke engines. One of the key properties of said engine type being they're not very 'clean'. Lots of unburned fuel, smoke, and carbon monoxide being produced.

Add in doing all the hedges in a four hour marathon, and I've been exposed to lots of nasty stuff for a long time. I grab a shower afterwards and feel 'fine'. For about an hour. Then I feel vaguely ill. For the rest of the night I cough like a chain smoker, and can smell exhaust fumes. I can only guess that the body has been absorbing all the toxins, and then decided to try and get them back out. Most unpleasant.

Today I'm ok, apart from pain caused by lugging said heavy machine.

Idiot Girl's stupid was to go to the cinema.
She doesn't believe in supporting local business, and goes to one of those soulless multiplex awful things in the next town. As each 'screen' is a shoebox,and Wednesday is 2 for 1 nite (If you have an orange phone, she hasn't) they sell out, so she books tickets on the interweb before going.

Stupid part 2, is she goes there on the motorway. If you put the two addresses into google maps you get two routes. Motorway: 12 miles, 24 minutes. Normal roads: 9 miles, 25 minutes. Personally, I always go normal roads as burning more fuel to save 1 minute doesn't appear attractive. She always goes on the motorway to anywhere 'cos it's got to be faster, innit?

The hand of fate moves in at this point, and causes a horrific 5 car pile up half a mile from Idiot Girl. We get a phone call... 'why has all the cars stopped moving?". She can use her phone to look at facebook 93 times an hour, but searching for highways agency is too hard.
I google it for her. There is a crash. Estimated time to reopening: five hours.

But she is lucky and it only takes 2 and a half hours. And she wasn't half a mile further on, and thus isn't trapped in wreckage.

She takes today off work because she is sooo tired after being stuck there. Er, but, if you'd got to the film, wouldn't you have got home round about the same time?

I think it was probably a draw.

Cruel Summer

2011-09-01T00:01:00.000+01:00

No, I'm not dead. Just rather busy trying to catch up after playing 'rite keg' waaay too much. Three days of keg in a row even! A new record for us.

Day 1:
Ma Ma wants to do 'something', but doesn't want to actually say what. But wait! There's a strategically left leaflet for "the heights of Abraham". Could this be a clue? We will go there and see anyway.

We depart for Matlock. Whilst attempting to find somewhere to park I spot smoke appearing from behind an embankment. Smoke at regular intervals. Rather like what you get from say, a steam train. Investigation reveals... a railway. Quelle surprise!

So we go on said train. It travels at 2mph, as it turns out they have very little track, so go slowly to give the impression they have more. But it's nice. We get off said train at the other end. In their fund raising shed they have all sorts of old tat for sale. Ma Ma purchases 3 second hand 'euro disney' branded egg cups as a present for idiot girl. I rejoice, for I'm sure she will 'love' them.

We return on said train. Here is your humble narrator looking a twonk as usual:

Note the 'shermer high' t shirt, that the website I bought it from claims will instantly make you cool. Girls will want you. Men will want to be you.
Sadly, this hasn't happened to me yet. Nobody appears to have the slightest idea about Shermer, Illinois.

Shortly afterwards, Ma Ma drops the bag and smashes the egg cups, along with my hopes and dreams of watching Idiot Girl's reaction.

We then move onto aforementioned "heights of Abraham". I have the feeling this is likely to be an expensive waste of time.

I'm not wrong :(
Queue for yonks... then onto the cable car that goes over the valley:

This is over in about 1 minute, which is perhaps welcome as it is a long way down...

The leaflet pimps their 'cave tour'. We wait 30 mins to go on it. It rapidly becomes obvious that their leaflet has been photoshopped to the power of N.
Observe:

Pretty non? Pretty FAKE!
In reality the rocks are all 1 colour. (dirty brown). Said location on said tour has had lights added to funk it up. Even then the photo is fake, as the lights cycle thru colours, so someone has blended several photos to create the above.

It's really a chance to bang your head a lot while trudging up steps in a boring tunnel for 40 minutes whilst saying 'boy was I suckered'.

You then find out your options are a) buy something from the overpriced gift shop, or b) join the long queue of people waiting for the cable car to get the hell out of there. We chose b).

By now you're prolly losing the will to live, so more kegs later....

Lazy blog:
Bananarama - Cruel Summer

5 points if you can name the film used in without googling.

Subconscious

2011-08-26T00:01:00.000+01:00

It's amazing the power of the mind. Last night I had no idea of what Howard Beaumont was playing.

I woke up this morning, and my first thoughts where "ebb tide". Tube of the U later, and I think my subconscious mind is correct. But where did it come from? I have no great knowledge of such things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ma Ma also informs me that as idiot girl is off having a rite keg all weekend, and taking her dog, we are officially free to do something. Or to put it another way, Ma Ma wants a keg... But naturally has no idea what she wants to do. Suggestions welcome.

Go mind lazy blog:

whistlestop tour

2011-08-25T00:01:00.000+01:00

Or what I learned on my day out...

Firstly, I am not a morning person. So getting up in the morning was lacking in the fun department. this was then compounded by walking to town. Mood further deteriorates 'cos my train is sat waiting, and a stupid woman in front of me is too busy trying to control her numerous offspring to get on with the bloody job of buying a ticket. We got on said train with seconds to spare. Phew!

We then get off at Wakefield a full 15 minutes later. It's a derelict post apocalyptic hell hole. Ma Ma tells me they've actually smartened it up since she was last here! We wait for 45 mins.

Oh look, another train. This one is ours, "The Scarborough Spa Express". The clue is in the smoke pouring out of the chimney. I get ready to take a trip back to the golden age of train travel.

Gold is slightly lacking.
I'm sure gold doesn't include a spring sticking right up your ~cough~ posterior. (That's what they said instead of arse in the olden days).
I go in search of coffee in the 'buffet car', but unfortunately it's not been invented yet in the steam age and I have to make do with brown rusty warm water instead.

We share our table with a bored young child. She has the resigned to doom look that only the offspring of a steam nut can have. Her father spends the entire journey not with her (I suspect hanging his head out of a window), returning only to collect her at the end (come on troll we're here).

We arrive at York, and bored child / absent parent is replaced by a steam bore and his mate alky idiot. Steam bore constantly tells steamy anecdotes that are very boring. Alky idiot drinks from a large bottle of mega strength tramp cider he's brought with him, presumably to attempt to escape into a fantasy world where he cannot hear steam bore. I look out the window.

We arrive in Scarborough. The sun is shining, there is the sea, what shall we do in this Mecca? Best make it quick as the train goes back in 3 hours time.... so we condense a day at the seaside... 5 minutes in the arcade.... ice cream.... walk on the beach.... look in shoppe.... 5 minutes at the spa.... walk over newly restored bridge.... and your times up!

We return to the train. Alky and boring don't. Yay! A full table to ourselves! We return home. the closer we get the darker it gets, and the intensity of the rain increases. But our spirit is not broken, for overall it's been better than staying at home and working.

It was also educational. We found out Scarborough people are weird. We went into a bakery. Four teacakes please? They gave us 4 current teacakes (with currents in them). No, plain teacakes plz? We got eye rolled, so obviously 'teacakes' means with currents there...

A lazy blog challenge. What is Howard Beaumont (the king of the keyboards) playing for us at the spa?

We are far away because we think he's not actually very good, and don't want to pay £6 for the privilege of listening to him close up.

Fortune told

2011-08-23T00:03:00.001+01:00

By the talented Amanda Huggenkiss.

I went back to the bank for my 'investments review'.

Before I booked it I told them I wasn't interested in anything where I couldn't get my money out of it if I really really need to. EG if/when Idiot Girl cocks it up and needs another £14K bailout.

No problem sir, we can do that!

Fast forwards to today.

So how long am I looking at investing?
Er, short term, maybe 3 years?

Ok, well we've got this one. You put your money in, and can't get it back for 5 years. After 5 years you get a minimum of 12% return, and if the stock market has risen you get a bonus too! Isn't that great!

Er, no. No it's isn't. 5 years is longer than 3 years you see. And I can't get the money out if I need to. And if the stock market goes tits up like is is doing now your 12% is only 2% per year compounded. Have you got anything else?

We've got this one... ~shows paper~... Er, that's the same as the last one, but profit is linked to retail prices instead. Anything else?

Er, we've got both of them for 3 years and 9 months? Er, no.

Well, the best we can offer then is this post only bank account, that pays 2%. I'd move the money there as you're only getting 0.5% since we pulled a swifty with the interest rate.

I see... Thank you for your time... I think I may call in at the bank across the street who are offering 3.15% with no restrictions in the hope that they can pull a swifty and drop the rate later. Again, thank you!

Ooops! I SPICED it again

2011-08-22T00:06:00.003+01:00

Time for another attempt at a S.P.I.C.E event.

The mission this time: Go to the park. Where they have segways. Experience the future of transportation.... or not given they're actually illegal to use on anything other than private land.

First challenge: Go to the park. Easy! Tap postcode in sat nav, drive!

Oh, there's a nice lady who wants £5.50 to park my car in her car park. I think I've discovered where the national trust gets all it's money from. She gives me a glossy leaflet, and the hard sell. If I join the national trust today not only will I get my £5.50 back, and not have to pay if I come again, but I can also have a free ticket to tonight's concert. Hmmmmm.... who is at said concert?
Ah.... headlined by 'level 42'. National trust membership £50. Er... no thank you.

Next challenge: Meet at the segway van in the centre of the park. Define centre? Said park has lots of trees, so visibility is less than 100 yards.

Eventually I stumble on said van, for my bonus challenge! The other spice people are there. For reasons unknown they assume I am the segway man. er, no, no I'm not. So plz to stop asking me questions.

The real segway man arrives soon after, on a segway. It is explained that you stand on it, and how to make it move. I miss a lot of the explaining, as I'm too busy struggling with the compulsory (too small) head protection. Curse my big head!

I climb aboard, and it wobbles around randomly in a quite alarming fashion. I'm suddenly 12 again on a skateboard going down a big hill and trying to remember how to stop. We are told to experiment in going about said field for about 3 minutes. I move in circles at 0.5 mph. This is not too bad....

Segway man says "follow me" and blasts off at 12mph flat out. Oh. I follow more slowly. Plz to not let it be me that crashes first...... and it isn't! MS. overconfident hits a post with it. Yay! I'm not the first to fail!

Five minutes later and I'm actually feeling a lot better. It's quite instinctive, basically lean the direction you want to go. The more you put your weight forwards the faster it goes. Simples!

Segway man (the bastard) decides to make it harder. Right turn into the woods. Lets off road! Try not to hit things! Bastard!

Confidence comes back after a while, which is a good thing as he's had the idea of going faster around all these trees. The woman I'm following (Rose) is obviously not too comfortable at speed, but is attempting to keep up with SMTB.
It all goes wrong in that slow motion fast sort of way when Rose drives into a bloody great big tree at warp factor 5. I get a prime view of her being thrown off, flying thru the air into spiky bushes. Fortunately I don't make things worse by running over her as well. I get off the damn thing and express concern for injury. Eventually SMTB realises two of his machines are missing, and returns to see if we have stolen them.
She has a rapidly swelling knee, and is in shock but bravely/stupidly gets back on. We continue at more sensible speeds for the remaining 30 mins.

Post segway comes the final challenge: Food + talking. Very hard!
Makes note to self if I'm going to do this sort of thing I need some 'interesting' stories of how brilliant I am, and all the places I've been if I am to fit in. Nah, bugger that! Accept me as who I am, or don't.

Overall SPICE score: Baby Spice.

Epilogue:
Next day my legs ache a lot. I email Rose to enquire about her health. The end.

Money

2011-08-18T00:01:00.001+01:00

I got a phone call from the bank. Would I like to have a free savings review?

Yes, yes I would. Given you're the bank that likes to change the interest rate to 0.25% without telling people.

So I went to the bank. Hello, I'm here for a free savings review.
~Tappity~, er, no you're not. Computer says no. The nice lady phones round the other branches of the bank, and it turns out I'm supposed to be in one on the other side of town. That I never use. Ok...

Arrived at the correct branch. Hello the people who have my money! Come this way... I'll just print out what savings you have with us, and then we can discuss things. ~Printy Printy~

OMFG! You have money! Er, excuse me one moment!

She returns shortly with an older woman... Hello, my colleague tells me you have more than a shilling in accounts with us.... Do you really need all that money instantly available, or would you like to book an appointment for a free investments review?

So I'm going back next week for them to try and sell me other things instead.

It's very amusing watching them trying to link up the scruffy individual with the money in the accounts.

What do I do for a living?
Evilbay seller. I sell things on evilbay!
What sort of things?
Oh, stuff....
You must be very good at it?
No, not really.....

The thing they're missing, and are trying to work out is I'm not like normal people.
True, I have enough money saved to purchase a small house. But it's not because I make lots of money. In fact I earn less than half of the 'average' wage.

Anyone could be the same. Just modify your lifestyle to that of the 40 year old virgin living in your parent's basement. Don't borrow money, don't spend what you can't afford. Stay away from blonde bloggers with good sob stories. Don't 'lend' money to your Idiot sister.

Voila! You too will have money. And will also prolly be miserable most of the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lazy blog: double feature!
You can tell how old someone is by asking them which is the definitive version of this song:

The beatles?

Or flying lizards?

(I'm firmly with the lizards btw).
Anyone who goes for the Josie & the pussycats version should be killed.

Kegenomics

2011-08-17T00:21:00.002+01:00

Idiot girl has returned from holiday with the rite keg krew. Sadly, it was all quite lacking in kegs.

Initial 'complaint' was her car used a bajillion gallons of fuel, and she wasn't expecting it to. To refresh memories, she has a kia picanto now. A small city car with a 1.1 litre engine. That is designed to be used in the city for short journeys. Ergo, they are low geared for rapid acceleration. What it definitely isn't is a long distance motorway cruiser.
I breifly drove it on the motorway fetching it back. It does 4000 rpm @ 65 mph. I guess if you drive @ 85 like idiot girl does it's probably bouncing off the rev limiter and screaming for death.

Also complained that it cost £6 a time per person to get a taxi for kegs. Er, a) next time don't get somewhere in the sticks and b) Tourist area, what do you expect?

She's also 'finished' with twonko #2. Quote "I told him, get the f*** out of my car and drove off". He's coming here this weekend for a full discussion about their future "but there isn't one"....

However, this is idiot girl..... it's over..... but.... she's going camping the week after for another rite keg. Twonko 2 is the one with the tent & camping stuff.... Zero points for guessing who she's going to go camping with...

Her elective surgery has been postponed. which means she has to go to work instead. This must have made her very sad, for tonight she tried to end it all by driving her horse into a tree. Sadly she's not hurt enough to be able to take time off work.

***************

In other news, now she's not going to be needing waiting on hand and foot following surgery, I am going to have a day off. I'm going to go on the Scarborough Spa Express. I suspect it wouldn't qualify as a keg on the idiot girl scale, but I think it will be jolly relaxing...

Old <> Worthless

2011-08-15T00:47:00.002+01:00

I'm woken by loud mechanical tortured sounds. Something is very wrong. I follow the noise.

I find Ma Ma, and the washing machine emitting said noise. Ma Ma, what have you done to this lady?
Ma Ma says it's old, so perfectly fine to ignore that it sounds like it's about to explode. Wrong. Wrong to N decimal places. Turn it off, I will fix it later.

Later arrives. I am again told it's old (True, it says in proud letters 'made in great Britain'), and she intends to run it till it blows and then replace with a new machine. Er, no. I remove 3 screws and the lid comes off. Hmm, what do we have here?
There is a concrete block on the top of the drum housing, that then has springs attached to the machine body. Said block is secured by two nylock nuts, that are loose. I tighten the nuts, replace the lid and set it to megafastspin. Silence! My favourite kind of repair, the one that costs nothing.

There are other things that annoy related to this story.

Said machine is worked to death. This is because it's also doing all Idiot girl's washing too. Idiot Girl can wear 4 outfits per day, after all she doesn't have to wash them, or pay for electricity etc. Idiot Girl has a brand new never used washing machine & tumble drier of her very own. That a certain sucker had the 'fun' of fitting, routing waste pipes, putting holes in walls for etc. Too bone idle to use... So, given a) we're constantly doing her washing and b) we potentially needed a new machine, why was I wrong to suggest we go and take hers?

The other annoy is, Ma Ma flids out if a phone is left on charge. It's going to suddenly explode and burn the house down. But she sees nothing wrong in setting the washing machine going and buggering off out even though she knows it's been making 'death' noises for a while.

I think I know why I trust machines more than people....

Jerk it out

2011-08-11T00:02:00.004+01:00

No, not an invitation. More a lazy blog:

Said engine in said vid is running on it's own oil and is thus attempting to kill the people who are trying to stop it. I must admit, if it was me I would run as far and as fast as possible and wait for the inevitable bang.

The closest I've come to engine disaster is when mate #2 bought an engine from a car that mate #1 had previously crashed. The parts damaged in the crash where replaced, and we had the bright idea of trying to see if it still ran before fitting it to his car. It was stood on the floor with a high tech house brick holding it upright. My spare gearbox was attached so the starter motor could be used.

It started straight away... unfortunately mate #2 forgot to check the timing was ok. It wasn't. Engine took off to silly rpm, then stopped suddenly. BANG! WHEEEEEEEE!

Engine stopping suddenly due to bending all the valves was too much for my poor gearbox. Something punched a hole in the casing, and went WHEEEEEEEEE! across the garden. Bye bye gearbox :(

Tell me your tales of seconds from disaster?

Double Strength

2011-08-10T00:00:00.003+01:00

Observe:

Just in case you can't read the bad quality pic it says:

How to use double strength squash

Before Now use 1/2 as much

The small print above the bar code says "Brought to you by the stating the F'n obvious Co LTD".

You will note the pictorial representation as well as the words. This is for if Idiot Girl buys the product and needs a clue what half means...

Talking of which.... Idiot Girl has dumped the dog on us, and gone off for a rite keg with the rite keg krew for a week. They're driving as far south as it's possible to do without dropping into the ocean. Keg Kar #2 in said convoy is setting off without a spare wheel as getting it fixed will eat into drinking money. This can't possibly end badly at all can it?

When Idiot Girl gets back, she's back to work for a full day, and then goes for elective surgery, and fully intends to take a month off work as 'sick'. I think this qualifies as a great way of making sure she's kept in mind if any more downsizing is required, non?

Other than that, there is no, I repeat no excitement at all here. Move along plz...

Red shirt diaries

2011-08-01T00:04:00.003+01:00

Last Tuesday evening, 11:30pm I got a phone call. From Aunt "big mouth likes to be centre of attention". She tells me Uncle "Everyone hates" is in hospital and may not have long left, in fact he's about to shuffle off any minute.. now. And she will be sure to phone everyone she knows just as soon as there's a hint of news...

The next day:
Shazza (aka ABMLTBCOA) phones again. UEH's been for a brain scan 5 whole minutes ago, and it's TEH BRAIN CANCER! OMFG! Because he's the man with the important job of keeping the Vatican's condom machine topped up he's to be RUSHED at WARP FACTOR 9.8 to a top surgeon who will be operating within the hour! Don't change the dial, for updates will come in very shortly.

Two and a half days later:
Shazza again. Er, he's not dead yet. But it is TEH BRAIN CANCER. And he'll be on chemo within the next week or two, as the top surgeon was busy playing golf... yes, that was it... I didn't make bits up to look important. Honest... cough, mumble, got to go....

While all this is going on, Ma ma has talked to other people who Shazza is likely to have phoned. Yes, they too have been phoned, and been told DEATH IS IMMINENT!
Unfortunately, some of them did a bit more thorough job of checking facts, and discovered he's been in hospital for 2 weeks because of out of control diabetes. As he's already at minus 1 kidney due to being a crap diabetic this is not much of a surprise. Otherwise he's the same PITA and isn't likely to shuffle off in the near future at all.

So, er, why is Shazza making all this crap up? WTF is going on? When will we get another phone call full of lies? Answers on a postcard plz...

**************
Red shirt diaries: The daily adventures of a group of red shirt wearing star trek crew members. Not filmed as they where all killed off within the first week of planet fall.

Amazing horse

2011-07-28T02:05:00.001+01:00

I've just lost playing HORSE.. so have this:

Well I enjoyed it! Sorry!

The gambler

2011-07-26T00:01:00.000+01:00

I've been doing it wrong.....

Acharya Gautam Mohan recently wrote to me to say:

Earn through Betting and CricketAstrology Software Which Can predict cricket Match

Start earning with betting and CricketAstrology. Shree Cricket Astrologer Platinum Advance software which predictscricket matches Like County, IPL, T20, ODI etc. To know how to use and buy itlog on to < deleted >

Not just any astrology, or even Astrology with a big A, but Cricket Astrology!

Not sure how exactly it works, spot stars that look a bit wicket-y in a southern direction = Australia takes the ashes??

Sadly I think it's possibly too complicated for me, what with it being cloudy a lot, and light pollution from the new college building.

Oh, and bonus lazy blog. I had Kenny on the tube of U, and just placed 2nd out of 53. It can't be a coincidence, I'm usually crap at poker.

Horse sense

2011-07-25T00:03:00.000+01:00

So I went to York for the (not baby) SPICE thing.

It started badly. I'm in York, so go to the railway museum. Where the car park ticket machine steals £3 and gives me no ticket. Nice! I then get to walk a bajillion miles 'cos the entrance next to the car park is closed. I get inside, and the coffee shoppe with the muffins to die for has sold them all. This is not going too well....

Came out to go to the racecourse. Mega traffic jam as some idiot has only gone and crashed on the busiest roundabout and rather than move their mildly damaged cars they do the idiot thing and block the bloody road to wait for pc 49 to arrive and tell them to move the bloody things.

I'm then involved with a collision between my wing mirror and an illegally parked van's mirror whilst trying to avoid killing to death a loon on a bike who thinks cutting in front of my 4x4 is a good idea. My mirror is undamaged, bugger this for a game of soldiers.. keep going and pretend I know nothing... and hit the next fool on a bike.

Got to the racecourse and eventually made my way inside. Hmm, the instructions say to meet at the Rodriguez pavilion... only one slight tiny snag..... there is no such place. There is a Rodriguez bar, so I figure that'll be close enough. Success! Someone else with a SPICE letter in their hand looking confused. Eventually we all meet up. I do my usual pathetically bad attempt at interacting.

It's preying on my tiny mind that Idiot Girl could be lurking anywhere, as it turns out there's a bar every 10 yards. So I sent her a text "have you won anything?", hoping she would give away her position so I could avoid it. Several more messages are exchanged, but I learn nothing.

I send a final message "won nothing all night, Blondie best be good!" 5 minutes later I get a reply "R U @ Races?????" Awesome powers of deduction Idiot Girl has.....

Blondie isn't too bad as long as she sticks to the greatest hits collection. When she goes for "this is a new song from our new album" it's sadly rather rubbish.

The night is finished. Apart from the hour to get out of the car park, as 6 lanes of traffic all try to force their way thru the 1 car wide gateway.

Overall it wasn't totally awful, but I don't think it's something I would like to do again. Way too many drunken idiots for my liking. No wonder idiot Girl likes it...

I'm not giving up on the SPICE thing quite yet. I've even selected my next mission, which be "Day in the park. With segways."

Heart of glass

2011-07-21T00:01:00.000+01:00

Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass.

I am to embark on a journey into terror. I have booked an event with the SPICE people.

Date: Friday evening.
Place: York racecourse.
Doing: Socialise. Watch donkeys race. Afterwards 'concert' by Ms. D. Harry.
Dress code: Smart casual. Dream on dead guys!

If that wasn't frightening enough in itself, Ma Ma informs me Idiot Girl is going racing with the 'rite keg krew' soon.
Nah, it won't be...... but just in case, er, ask her when / where will you?

Yes, it bloody is! Idiot Girl and her spacker friends are only going to the very same event. Fear rating has moved to defcon one. Repeat, we are at defcon one! Full fear arsenal ready for deployment.

Fortunately Ma Ma had the sense not to tell Idiot Girl I am going too. No doubt she will be propping up the bar as no 'rite keg' is complete without excessive drunkenness. So if I avoid the bars I should avoid her.

I also have my own ticket, and a rendezvous point. So in theory if I spot the SPICE people, and they are obvious mongs, I can avoid them too and enjoy my own company. God, it sounds awful doesn't it?

On the bright side, as I am in York I may as well go early and visit the national rail museum. Yay for trains!

Oh, and can you find a link between Blondie and horse racing? Me neither.....

Top tips on how to behave at horse racing with a group of strangers and fear of the idiot girl are welcome...

D is for

2011-07-20T00:06:00.000+01:00

Dentist.

I possibly have my check up tomorrow. Only possibly as the dentist has a habit of cancelling with 20 minutes notice, which hardly appears fair as they demand 3 days notice from me.

I'm not over keen on said profession, as even if they don't want to drill holes in my head it still ends up being moderately miserable.

There's the obligatory health nazi part, where you are told to stop eating anything remotely nice, and to spend a small African nation's budget on tooth related products.

My dentist also has 'a thing' about toothpaste.
Which do I use?
The sensodyne one...
Why? Do you have sensitive teeth?
No..
So why do you use that one?
'Cos I do have if I stop using it....

She then sends her assistant away to look up the specifications, before grudgingly accepting that it will clean teeth.

It could be worse... I could be idiot girl who doesn't get her teeth checked 'cos it's 'too expensive', but pays £80 for 'teeth whitening' instead.

Number Thirty Seven

2011-07-18T00:03:00.000+01:00

in an occasional series...

Ma Ma points at a Rolls Royce avon gas turbine circa 1953.

I did have a period where she was conned into pointing at lots of things. Today we went to the Kelham island museum, and it felt appropriate to restart the pointing.

They also have this: The river Don engine.

It is what you could technically describe as a bloody massive steam engine. Built to roll steel plate, it produced 12,000 HP. One suspects they run it with just enough steam to make it move now, as without a load it would prolly shake the building apart.

Tired

2011-07-15T23:15:00.003+01:00

Idiot Girl is wearing me down again.

First problem is she wants some ZOMG!!! illegal mega bright light bulbs fitting to her car. The exact same ones she left in her old car. But no problem, I can drive to the store to buy them, Ma Ma can pay for them (£26), and then I can fit them.

So I read the manual for the car. How to change headlight bulb:
Open bonnet.
Remove rubber cover from headlight.
Disconnect wiring plug.
Change bulb. Refitting is reverse of removal.

This is a load of fetid dingo's kidneys! Said car is built in Korea, and I suspect they use small children to fit the headlights. There is exactly 2 inches of space behind the headlight. Surrounded by sharp metal objects. I have large hands. Large hands that now resemble a relief map of the moon. A bleeding gouged oily moon. 45 minutes to change 2 bulbs!

She then wears me down by remote control. This weekends KEG is she's going camping. The weather is forecast to be solid rain. Perchance this is not one of her better plans.

The first phone call is she wants cool box packs. To freeze for the morning. The house is turned upside down looking for them. They're not in the cool box. Or anywhere else. Several hours later Ma Ma remembers she lent them to Idiot Girl last time she had similar stupid ideas and they never came back. (Idiot Girl like to borrow other people's things and destroy / lose/ throw them away).

The phone rings again. Idiot girl wants cooking oil. To cook outside her tent in the pouring rain.

Ma Ma finds a bottle of cooking oil. Ma Ma decides to put a small quantity in a small bottle. Ma Ma dicks around trying to dry the inside of the bottle with a towel. Ma Ma, stop dicking around, there is <2ml of moisture in there, it's not going to harm the oil. Ma Ma ignores me and continues to dick around.

Ma ma adds the oil. The oil now has floating bits of towel in it. throw it away and start again. No! Ma Ma must dick around some more!

Tea strainer! That won't work Ma Ma, too big holes! Dick Dick!
Coffee filter! Too small holes, it will take all night! Dick Dick!
Paper towel!
2 layers of paper towel!
etc etc.

30 minutes later I am losing the will to live. Get in my car, I will take you to the shop to buy new oil for Idiot Girl to cook in the rain! No! I want to annoy you more!

And RELAX.

My only hope is Idiot girl decides to cook inside the tent to avoid the rain, burns the sodding thing to the ground and never goes camping again! That or I have got a brain tumour.

Save Ferris

2011-07-14T00:06:00.002+01:00

Lazy blog: Oh yeah!

Audience participation... Which Ferris Bueller's day off character do you empathise with?

Wine

2011-07-13T00:21:00.002+01:00

Tell me about it plz.

I know it comes in red or white, and there's one that's called white ~something~ that's actually pink instead. This ends my knowledge.

I want to send someone in NZ said fermented stuff in a present sort of way. No, I don't know what they like. No, I can't ask them.

So, er, my sophisticated dear reader, what would you suggest that is a) unlikely to offend the average person, and b) not hugely expensive. I thank you!

Idiot girl logic

2011-07-11T23:04:00.004+01:00

You know, the opposite of everyone else.

Idiot Girl has new car. IG must show it off to everyone and so insures both cars. Old one temporary @ £28 for 5 days. I am then instructed to list old car on ebay for a 7 day auction. Can you spot the flaw here?

Yes, 5 days later it's still sat in the street unsold. £28 more for another 5 days... 2 days later it 'sells' to an idiot with no money and no intention of paying. Idiot Girl goes batshit mental, and very sweary. She's not paying to insure it. Why does this happen to me? (er, that's why you was told not to insure both at once).

She commands that we sell the ##### on ebay, £1000 buy it now. Said car is worth in the region of £1800. well would be if it wasn't IG part destroyed. I ignore her stupid instructions, and list it at £1500 or best offer. The phone goes red hot with mouth breathing morons.

2 hours later it's sold to a Polish man who forgot to bring his guide dog for £1375. Idiot Girl then starts moaning that it was worth a lot more and how cruel the world is to her.
Er, you got £375 more than you told me to sell it for. It is gone and not costing money. WTF is wrong with your brain? You can't have a quick sale & top price at the same time!

For added giggles I worked out what she has spent buying cars, minus what she got back selling the wrecked remains. 9 years driving. 5 cars. £9325 spent. No wonder she's got no money. £1000 per year just to buy & destroy cars!

Life in a northern town

2011-07-07T00:06:00.000+01:00

Anyone miss me? Yes, every bullet so far etc.

I had Sunday off. Which means I've been working like a madman to try and catch up, and been too knackered to blog.

My day off was, on the whole, awesome. Ma Ma accompanied me to sunny Whitby. For extra giggle points we went on a coach trip. A lot cheaper than taking my car, and in theory more stress free.

We got on the bus, and it headed onto the motorway. No ankle biters! This is awesome! Er, why are we turning onto the M62? Bus driver, you're going the wrong way!!!!
Turns out bus is going to Bradford to a)collect more people, and b) sit around for 30 mins, thus adding an hour to the journey. Boo!

Eventually we arrived at Whitby. 5 hours to entertain ourselves in any way we wish.

1) Visit chip shoppe. Cod + chips plz!
2) Visit ice cream shop. (did I mention it was a rare blazing hot day?)
3) Go to glass shop. Buy Ma Ma glass things.
4) Elizabeth the steam bus ride! Ok, so this is why I actually wanted to go there in the first place.
5) Salvation army book sale. Buy books.
6) Moar ice cream.
7) Walk along beach in sunshine.
8) Sandwiches. (without sand).

Get back on bus of doom for home. Take photos of ICBM detecting military installation on way back. Don't get arrested / shot.

So all in all a good day. Will do the POIDH when photo machine wants to play.

As tis now Thursday, I'll leave this here:
Dream academy - Life in a northern town

Bad name corner

2011-07-01T23:22:00.002+01:00

One of my customers today was a mr. Trevor Watts.

Personally, if that was my name, and I wanted to shorten it a bit to use as my email address, I wouldn't abbreviate "Trevor". Or is it just me?

Suicide blonde

2011-06-30T00:40:00.004+01:00

Idiot Girl has found the first problem with her new car. See if you can guess what it is?

Old car: land rover freelander

New car: kia picanto

Not her actual vehicles, but are the correct models. Think about it for a min while I lazy blog.

Poor dead M. Hutchence & friends:

(By coincidence Idiot Girl has dyed her hair insanely blonde this week).

The answer is she's upset that she cannot fit all the crap that was in the freelander (a small 4x4) into the kia (a very small city car). She thought the kia was bigger. I am officially evil for suggesting perhaps it rained overnight and it's shrunk.

Sonic torture adventures

2011-06-29T00:24:00.003+01:00

So Idiot Girl is still playing the 'must have different car' game. I dodged a bullet yesterday when the one she wanted came back on the datacheck as previously crashed.

Sadly today's came back clear. Wanna go wanna go wanna go... despite me having tons of real work to do, I find myself heading to York, which is a bit over an hour away.

We take my car, for tis pretty much a foregone conclusion she will buy it if it has more than 2 wheels. I can then drive it back for I'm insured to drive other people's cars. She can drive my car back, for she's included on the insurance of it.

Halfway there she starts being her usual bitchy self. Time for a little sonic punishment I think. Folder 43 on the olde memory stick - "the best of Rosie and the originals". As expected she hates it... Jolly good.

We arrive, she drives said car @ 5mph for oh, 100 yards. It's just what she wants, despite having damage that wasn't in the photos. Ma Ma, lend me £2800 plz, I promise I'll pay you back shortly after hell freezes over. Paperwork is signed, and the little shed is hers.

Idiot Girl gets in my car. I have a smile to myself that she will be too stupid to work out how to change Rosie to something else. I smile further when I remember said drive has 3 different versions of the same song in a row...

I get in the new roller skate. Oh, a radio! I turn it on as I drive off. Er, what is this bilge? Locates the cd eject button (for I am a man, and clever and able to read 'eject' and stuff). Westlife's closest misses FFS! How evil can you be to leave such filth in a car you are selling?

I consider tossing it out the window, but settle for throwing under the passenger seat instead.

The journey home is uneventful. Except now we must put new roller skate somewhere off road so it's not illegal. Engage the excitement of dismantling part of the concrete sectional fence surrounding Idiot girl's abode. And then driving said car that is just 2 inches smaller than said created hole thru it.

More excitement when she finally drives the car for real. On past form there will be several blind spots she didn't notice, impossible to reverse, too heavy this, random noise etc complaints.

She got the gold mine

2011-06-27T23:17:00.002+01:00

I got the shaft, as the song goes.

Idiot girl is on holiday having a 'rite keg'. Again.

I have a plan. I want one stinking day where I get to do what I want, and not work. Or a day off.

I select a day, and invite Ma Ma to accompany me on this wild adventure. Ma Ma says she will ask Idiot Girl if we may be excused looking after her dog on that day. For said day is a Sunday, so of course IG will be off having a keg somewhere, and can't possibly be expected to look after her own dog on her day off from work...

Ma Ma texts IG. July 3rd, day off plz? Graciously IG allows this.... you may proceed with your petty lives for that one day...

I go on the website and book tickets. Fast forwards 4 hours ~wibbly lines~

IG texts back. What do we mean we've booked it? Who told us we could do that? She has a 'rite keg' planned for that weekend, and who's going to look after the dog now????

Er, we told you about it earlier... true you where probably in a drunken haze at the time, but you agreed... IG of course did no such thing.... Our text only said "sometime in July", and didn't have a date at all.

Yes it did!
no it didn't!
Behind you! etc.

So Idiot Girl is now back from her keg in the sun, and making lives very miserable 'cos I won't cancel what I want to do. She's going to have to get some other sucker to look after the dog now... do we know how selfish we are being??

Er, cancel your rite keg then Idiot girl and look after it yourself. Don't be so f'ning stupid....

~sigh~ Somebody shoot me thru the head plz...

Burnin'

2011-06-23T01:36:00.002+01:00

in the third degree:

NO FATE. Discuss.

Doogie Howser, MD

2011-06-22T00:28:00.002+01:00

So I went to the hospital today, looking for answers as to why some things are not quite right with my vision.

For those with busy lives, answers I did not get. The End.

The long version:
Herr Doktor asks me what is the most important issue with my sight?

So I start to tell him the symptoms I am having.

He interrupts, and demands to know what is the root cause?
Er, why would I know? Aren't you the doctor?
Am I depressed, worried, anxious? This is causing it, yes?
Er, no. Happier than I've been for quite some time actually.

We then sort of argue. I tell him a symptom, he says this is not a root cause! I run out of symptoms. He then examines said eyes with his magic machine, before proclaiming them to be healthy.

He then sums up what I've told him, that these symptoms must be caused by something, the something must be found, but not by him. I am discharged, and he will write to the neurology department, as there is something wrong with the brain, and they can find out what. Thankyougoodnightelvishasleftthebuilding.

So I've learned nothing, and now prolly have a few months wait for the other lot to call me in for a prod & poke.

Glass half empty mode, also surely faulty eye control or faulty eyeball has the same result, I don't bloody see correctly! So his reassurance that my eyes are fine isn't that comforting.

Ps.. post 300. No flowers by request.

A summer place

2011-06-16T00:37:00.004+01:00

There's a summer place...

Percy Faith orchestra, marvellous!

2010: abortion remix:

Urgh! That is all.

Cat anger

2011-06-15T00:58:00.003+01:00

Some bastard cat belonging to one of my scumbag don't give a frig neighbours has started shitting in my workshop.

Options:
Buy cat repellent.
Post said shit thru letterboxes of all identified cat 'owners' as it's the only language these curs understand.
Supersized mouse trap, assembled A team style with lots of welding using metallic things found nearby.
Free bowl of antifreeze for all kitties in my workshop. Help yourselves!

Suggest me up what to do about it!

New religion

2011-06-13T00:18:00.004+01:00

I'm starting one. Convert now and grab a good job while there's still places available.

I know I'm teh messiah, as like all good bosses I was given a sign. The gig chose me, not the other way around. I will show you this sign now.

Behold!

It's a bad phone photo of my hand! After some mysterious force / biting insect caused injury to appear in a pattern overnight.

If you study it you will note it looks remarkably like 'the plough' constellation.

So obviously I should add in lots of space related mumbo jumbo to my new religion.
Ok, so the pan end only has 3 stars on my hand not 4, but er, this is a test of faith. No, better still I can make it my first commandment: "Smote all the smart arses who spot the missing star".

Suggest me up some more rules, I command thee!

Sexual equality

2011-06-09T00:44:00.002+01:00

A lazy blog double bill:

For the gentlemen:

Or perhaps the ladies:

They must unite, fight, and see who is best!

Must say, the ladies actually handle the tools better. Does this make me a sad heeb? Yes, I think it does.

Spoilers Sweetie

2011-06-06T00:29:00.002+01:00

so I watched Doctor Who. Last one of this current run, so it's time for some answers Moffat! And boy did we get some!!

I can't believe that ~static~ did ~dematerialisation sound~ with ~feedback squeal~ while ~cough cough cough~ was there! Like, OMG!!!!!

I hope I've not spoiled it too much for people in far away lands without bittorrent.

A nice cup of tea

2011-06-02T00:26:00.003+01:00

and perhaps a sit down too!

I have the happy, as for the third time the above is now "new!" at tesco. Quite why they keep reintroducing it and then deleting for six months I am not sure. Perhaps it only sells as new? Or maybe other people like me buy 10 boxes every time it's new just in case it never comes back..

Either way, I can now experience the "freezing to death with all hope lost" sensation any time I want.

There can only be one lazy blog to go with this:

Sorry it's more than a bit screechy. Please don't hit me.

Sugar mice

2011-05-26T00:38:00.003+01:00

in teh rain:

Yes, lazy blog day again.

I'm not 100% sure, but I'm fairly certain marillion is something you either like a lot, or are blah! about.

I think I fall into blah. I really like this one.... and I suppose Kayleigh is ok in an on every 80's compilation album filler kind of way... but other than those I couldn't name another song. Sorry Fish....

Toy story

2011-05-25T00:06:00.001+01:00

No, not the film / lunch box / back pack / marketing machine.

This toy story:

~wavy lines~
Back in my youth, I got (at the time) the ultimate lego set, the technic car chassis. Wow, I'm so lucky!

Or not. A certain parent decided I was not suitable to touch it. Said parent then spent the best part of two months building the thing with plenty of on the go swearing as he was, frankly, crap at it. It was then put on display, where I wasn't allowed to play with it.

Obviously I cannot recreate the magic of that Christmas. But as I've just survived the rapture, I had the thought that I should buy some lego of my choosing, and I could build it, and darn it, wouldn't it be fun?

Snag #1 was detected on visiting the toy shops. Lego is now very expensive. £30 gets you a small model that looks like it could be built in about half an hour. No fun!

So evilbay was visited, and I came away the proud owner of said used truck pictured above. For £41.59 delivered to me.

Said big box arrived today. Progress has been perhaps a bit on the sedate side of things. I've followed seven pages of instructions, and have a bit of rather sad looking chassis assembled. A major part of the problem being the set has 1027 pieces. That are all in the box, mixed up. The joys of second hand lego... methinks I need to get some boxes and do some sorting if I don't want to exceed the giffer's slow build record.

Think of the children

2011-05-20T00:03:00.000+01:00

So I watched a bit of tv.

It's an expose on how old TVs that should be recycled here end up in Nigeria, where poor children like the one interviewed scavenge metals out of them and are exposed to massive amounts of toxic stuff. It's all awful and it's our fault!

But then I thought about it a bit more.
Yes, the toxic exposure is pretty bad. But...

They examined a container of TVs and found 30% in working order. So presumably the man in Nigeria who's name is on the outside of the container buys them like this as he can make a profit selling the 30% that do work. You could argue that he is also the villain for dumping the 70% that don't work for children to scavenge from.

Child interviewed states he no longer goes to school, as his mother died and he is collecting metal from TVs to feed the family. So if the evil modern world stopped sending bad TVs, he would be in school instead? Er, or more likely he would be working on something even more awful or hazardous... you only take the worst job if you can't get a better one.

30% of them work??? They say these are TV's that have been thrown away at council dumps as unwanted / broken. Who are these wasteful people? Prolly the same idiots that must have the latest iphone.

I think I should go back to my policy of only watching Doctor Who. TV is the devil's tool.

size matters

2011-05-19T00:06:00.000+01:00

Excitement for Ma Ma!

FX: phone rings.

Hello, I would like to purchase the smallest hair drier in the world!
Er, we don't sell hair driers of any size.
You don't?
sorry, no.
But the website says you do?
Sorry, we don't...

I'm glad she got this call instead of me. Intrigued I googled said phrase. Turns out one of the places I buy ducks from also sells "the smallest hair drier in the world", and has me down as a stockist, which is nice, if inaccurate of them.

Sadly, I got this earworm which I will share with you now in the traditional lazy blog way:

If only there had been the technology to blanket broadcast Ms. Fields to Germany during ze war it would have all been over within 3 weeks. Surrender or we play the b sides Adolf...

Top tip

2011-05-18T00:23:00.002+01:00

When Ma Ma puts your olbas inhaler through the washing machine in your jeans pocket, do not:

a) unscrew the cap and check that it looks physically intact.

followed by

b) apply to nostril and inhale deeply.

Trust me, throw the damn thing away. Unless you like a mix of detergent, and mega strong decongestant blasting your face off. And your nose burning for the next 30 minutes as you struggle to breathe.

Feel free to share your top tips.
NB: Ma Ma already knows the one about your offspring will sulk if you laugh at his misfortune.

On helping

2011-05-17T00:16:00.002+01:00

Or wanting to, but failing to do so.

The day starts with a phone call for me. From Sonja. Which means her 20 something idiot son has screwed up the computer again and she wants me to fix it. Ok, I'll be 10 minutes...

Sure enough, mega screwed up. One of those fake "your computer is infected" things that stops you running anything else 'cos it's "infected". Normal action being to system restore back to before it happened, except system restore not working even in safe mode. Fun!

Made more fun by trying to be diplomatic. "Why does this keep happening?" asks Mumsie. The answer of course being "because you have a stupid 20 something son who keeps looking at porn sites and is stupid enough to click anything that says click here". He's not even smart enough to use private browsing... But of course you can't say that... you can be none committal, and watch boyo squirm, and blame the same people that hacked the sony playstation network.

So that was a fail, as I'm going to have to go back with usb stick full of goodies to fix it.

Coming home, I call in at the supermarket. Hmmm, busy roads here. Ah, that would be because there is a small nissan micra blocking the critical petrol station junction bit. A micra with the added feature of the driver's side being caved in. Presumably owned by the crying woman nearby. Restyled by another woman in a mondeo.

I want to help. I want to tell her it will be all right. That she's not hurt and that cars can be mended. And put in a big whiplash claim for a free holiday.
I don't of course, for I have the people skills of a slug, and I'm sure the last thing she needs is some gormless gimp on top of her motor getting bent. I mentally project good wishes and go on my way, but feel bad about it.

More not helping on the morrow.

Claret

2011-05-16T00:54:00.002+01:00

Or my day going splat.

I've got a thing about blood. Or more accurately my blood. I'd be upset if you was bleeding to death, but not as much as if it was me injured.

So I'm doing the usual garage work thing. Lathe running, boring a gaiter fixing. Yes, it's as dull as it sounds. But I have to stand there and watch it, as it gets hot doing it, and I haven't got the coolant system working yet, so the high tech solution is to dribble a bit of oil on the cutting tip every now and then.

Dull, dull, dull! Until...... ARGH!
Mr. not concentrating here has only gone and made contact 'twixt thumb and rotating chuck. Oh dear.. Shut the machine down, DON'T LOOK AT IT, go and see Ma Ma.... Plz to fix the damage and make it better while I have a little collapse on this nice floor... SPLAT!

I come round, and from my angle on the floor the new (broken) window looks more broken. So still a bit woozy go to investigate it. DON'T TOUCH IT! shouts Ma Ma.

Too late... OW! Splat #2? Don't mind if I do.....

What's love got to do with it?

2011-05-11T23:46:00.000+01:00

Not a lot as it happens. For this is about windows. The glass kind.

The one in the kitchen went defective, so you can't see through it for the condensation between the glass. Idiot girl has a bezzie mate who's a real professional window fitter, and he'll fix it properly, no bother.

Weeks pass by while we wait for him to come and measure the glass. More tumble weeds pass waiting for him to come and fit it.
Today is the day! I am woken by vague thumping noises! I wait till they stop and go back to sleep.

I get up at the usual time, and comment to Ma Ma "well that looks better!"
"Er, not exactly" she says, "look more closely".

I do. It's no longer steamed up. But there's a huge crack running up it. "Oh!"
Mr real professional broke the new window fitting it... And he's going on holiday for a few weeks now, but promises he'll come back and fit a none broken one instead...

Lazy blog:
What's love got to do with it? - a 'slightly different' cover version.

Retail therapy

2011-05-11T00:28:00.005+01:00

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to cheers oneself up with a bit of mindless purchasing. Today was my day.

I bought:

A tile cutting machine, used (£1)
Ma Ma asks why? Well I may want to cut tiles someday... plus I have a moderately mad idea for glass work that I could use it for.

Four alloy wheels, used. (£450) For the car that hasn't moved for 5 years, 2 months.
Ma Ma was most pleased with this purchase. I can tell by the way she said "you're insane".

Note boring standard wheel fitted to car, and OMG SEXY! rare alternative wheel. (not fitted).

A grinder stand, used. (£1)
I've got to show you this sweetie:

Isn't she a dreamboat?

Ma Ma refused to help me carry it. And yes, it's probably worth £30 in scrap metal alone, and weighs URGH! kilos.

Books! (£50)
Well, I haven't got them yet, because they're coming from USA. 'Cos they're signed by the person who wrote them.

Perhaps it's a good thing that most of the time I'm incredibly careful with money.

Bonus audience participation!
What retail therapy have you bought yourself recently, and why? Enquiring minds want to know.

Other side of the coin

2011-05-10T00:03:00.001+01:00

I don't flickr that much since the whole Misty thing, it's kind of taken the fun out of it. Occasionally I'll have a look and see what peeps I know are up to. Sometimes I go against my better judgement and see what she's up to.

Today was one of the times I shouldn't have bothered. She gets setup with a "we miss you comment", and replies thus:

I've been better. I'm going through a seriously shitty time for a while and having one certain reader that I thought was a good friend leaving really nasty and hurtful comments over on my blog as well as here did nothing to help matters, and everything just got on top of me leaving me with crippling writer's block...
The only reason I'm still on Flickr is because a) I refuse to break my run of finished Scavenger Hunts, and b) I could block that person's comments and delete what ever else they'd written!
I do miss you all and I hope I'll be back sometime soon!
*hugs*

O'realy? Nice to know that I'm now the cause of all her woes.

My side of the coin remembers it as a) I stopped giving her money b) she started giving me the cold shoulder in direct proportion to how much money she was missing out on. I pointed out this wasn't very nice & got banned for it. The end.

The other difference is of course she has an army of people who will read her every word, and I have my blog with 2 followers who will think argh! why am I still reading this pap. So 100's now think I'm an arse, and 2 know it for sure. And I can't even put my view in reply.

Still, no one said the world had to be fair...

On the best laid plans of mice and men

2011-05-09T00:03:00.000+01:00

I do the stained glass class thing. It's actually something I greatly enjoy, takes my little mind off other things, and the chance to slowly gain lead poisoning at the same time.

The person who teaches it gave me a card at the last session. "you are invited" it says in big friendly letters "to come to my open studio event".
I wasn't going to go, 'cos I always think they must have printed too many cards, and are just using up the surplus on me. Really, who would want me around their home?
But last Saturday I thought sod it, and went. A nice drive in the sunshine along winding country roads. True, there was episodes of fear when I actually got there, but I was welcomed, and generally had a nice time.

The fail then kicks in.
She pimps her taster session of making things with willow. So as usual I can't commit and say I'll think about it. Got back home, thought about it, and yes I would like to have a go. Sent a text message, got no reply... so being a gimp did nothing about it, and session missed.

Friday comes around, and glass class starts again. She tells me she didn't get my message until Tuesday, but there's one last class on Saturday if I still want to do it. YES! I sayeth.

Saturday AM, text message, "I is ill, class cancelled". Methinks some things are not to be.

Urine extraction

2011-05-05T00:07:00.002+01:00

That's what idiot Girl is doing AGAIN.

It's now official, she has a new bloke. And so must have "right kegs" constantly, or is not happy. As mundane things are not kegs, they are to be passed off to any other sucker.

A while back IG decides the bathroom is crap. So it's "really therapeutic" to smash all the tiles, and put big holes in the wall in the process. She's 'helping' to get the job done, 'cos when she gets a new bathroom she won't have to pay someone to take the tiles off.
Slight flaw being a) will have to pay for all the extra damage fixing, and b) no money to pay for it, so left in a smashed mess for years.

Fast forwards to now... new bloke and my bathroom is awful! So she arranges for a man to fix it. And tells him you can come any time, we will work around you!

There are no prizes for guessing this means he says Monday, so the Idiot Girl party goes on holiday on the Saturday before.... or indeed for guessing who's problem it becomes.

Tomorrow is my turn again to be 'useful'. Idiot Girl is going avec Ma Ma to see "ghost the musical". She thinks "well the dog will be ok dumped in the house all day". No, no it won't. So I get to do the dog ownership thing by default while she goes looking for poor dead Patrick Swizzle.

Vaguely appropriate lazy blog: Take it away Eric!

Wager

2011-04-29T00:01:00.002+01:00

Tis the royal welding, er wedding today. Besides the endless coverage, and everyone trying desperately to tie their product or service to it, there are also massively silly bets on offer. All the bookmakers are trying to come up with even more silly bets.

It starts out moderately sensible. Will it rain?

Then you get "what colour will the Queen's hat be"?

Then you get really silly:
Prince Philip to be seen asleep during the wedding service (10/1)

The Archbishop of Canterbury to say 'In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy GOAT' during the service (100/1)

Which couple will be seen at the Royal Wedding first on live BBC coverage? chas n dave (100/1)

William & Kate's baby to be a Vogue Cover model before 18 years old (33/1)

Meal at reception to be KFC or Burger King (100/1)

Honeymoon plane to be supplied by easyjet (200/1)

************
Sadly I am a gambling man. So I've placed a few modest bets.... This time tomorrow I could be slightly poorer unless.....

Kate wears a white dress (88p riding on this).
Queenie to wear an apricot hat (£1)
Queenie to wear a blue hat (£1, ma ma's choice)
Huw Edwards (tv presenter) to say "St Andrews" first (£1.17)

Results to follow....

***************
ADDITIONAL! 10:15am.
I'm winning so far....

Huw did say "st andrews" which nets £2.93
Victoria Beckscum is wearing blue, so that's another £8.00

Still waiting on Queenie, and putting up with the mindless tv coverage....

Last to know

2011-04-28T00:03:00.001+01:00

No, I'm not going to lazy blog Britney Spears. (Engage the huge sighs of relief).

So I'm in the garage-o-doom as usual, and have the radio on. I haven't heard that one in AGES I think. Work continues. 1 hour later, they play it again. That's odd, thinks I.

Another hour, and it's on AGAIN. I'm obviously missing something here. They're dead? Best google it...
Turns out the televisual opium of the masses "Britain's (not) got talent" is back poisoning minds again. And one of the no hopers on said show covered said song. So the original is now racing back up the charts.

Engage the lazy blog:
Tracy Chapman - fast car

Ps... want to see it murdered?
Clicky!

Spice or niet?

2011-04-26T00:29:00.002+01:00

I will in short order be asking for your valued opinion. I thank you in advance.

It's not been going well with the spice thing. I did the new member's night, which was teaching granny to suck eggs on how to use the interwebs. I then booked "secret tunnels of Manchester walk", "cycling in York" and "crazy golf + laser quest social night".

Manchester, I cancelled (Unexpected hospital appointment)
York, I cancelled. (I assumed you could get there by public transport before noon. WRONG!)
Golf, they cancelled. - Only 3 people wanted to go.

I'm now thinking about ~~giving up~~ Narrow boat day. Or chug chug chug up a canal.

Pros:
Cheap.
Forced to interact with small group (10) for full day.
Potential for pretty countryside.
Relaxing.

Cons:
9 am start. but it's 2 hours drive away. Or 2.5 hours on a train. So really 6am start.
Forced to interact.
Confidence is high for alcohol to be involved, and the 'joy' of explaining to people I don't need to drink to have fun. (For reasons unknown I always get in my head a bit of "we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no.", but that suggests cherry wine, so doesn't really help. Stupid brain).
High probability of being wrong class.

So, the question people on the other side of the planet where you prolly don't have canals, yes or no???

50% miracle

2011-04-25T00:04:00.002+01:00

Or teh gods are cruel. The woman who survived being dunked in the freezing sea whilst having internal bleeding died.

So I'm switching my allegiance from teh God to teh easter bunny and his chocolate goodness.

Miracles

2011-04-22T00:03:00.001+01:00

Two news items caught my eye today:

You'll have to try harder to kill me
&
Nice catch lady

Maybe there is a God. Discuss.

Love of my life

2011-04-21T00:47:00.004+01:00

Sarah Jane dies yesterday. Pseudonymph talks of the big C. It's such a down note.

So I must lazy blog this:

I can remember where I was when I heard Freddie had died. I suppose it's a bit like the older generation and Elvis.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought of death much. In a way, I could quite accept being told you've got X time left, instead of mind that bus, what bus? splat!

You could make sure things where going to go the way you want them. No git slipping in 'wind beneath my wings' for the send off...
You could be rude to the funeral people... come on, give me a price, some of us haven't got all week you know....

Oh, and I want dead milkmen - land of the shakers at my send off. Anyone who doesn't turn up and join in is disinherited.

Saying goodbye

2011-04-20T00:52:00.003+01:00

to Sarah Jane Smith aka Elisabeth Sladen.

Your scream will live on. Farewell.

Foreign dogs

2011-04-19T00:00:00.003+01:00

Or casual racism, Idiot Girl style.

Technically, Idiot Girl owns a dog. I say technically because she only wants it for the 'fun' bits, and we can have it for the mundane things.
So we get the dog for breakfast, and early morning walk. It then goes home and sleeps for a few hours. We collect it again, and it gets several walks in the day, and is fed again before it goes home. Well, assuming IG isn't going out for a 'rite keg'. We then get to take said dog out for another walk before it goes sleepy and the cycle starts again.

So of course it's our job to buy the dog food. This costs money, which is not reimbursed. As you may know, dog food is basically mystery meat, so it doesn't really matter which you buy. Read any tin, eg beef, and it says 4% named ingredient, rest of contents random meat & vegetables.

You buy a tin of peas, and there's a picture of peas on the label. Ditto carrots.... And what's on the tin of dog food? Dogs... hmmmm. But I'm drifting off topic.

We found in the cheapo shoppe dog food. Spanish dog food. With Spanish labels (which have pictures of dogs on them). The contents is the same, but the price is half that of English language food. The dog likes it too.

Idiot girl goes ballistic when she finds out.
WE MUST NOT feed HER dog that FILTH!

Er, IG, it's dog food. Mystery meat, same as the rest of it.
NO! IT'S FORRINS! IT'S 100% HORSE! FORRINS ONLY EAT HORSE!

Google translate the label, and big shock, it's 4% beef, rest mystery meat. Same as the UK stuff. Idiot Girl doesn't believe this, and Ma Ma is stupid enough to take notice of her. So no more cheap evil forrins dog food.

Call me Ishmael

2011-04-16T20:26:00.002+01:00

So I walked to the hospital on both my feet, and saw the orthoptist. Hello Ms. Orthoptist....

I'm then made to feel like a grade one fraud. She tests my eyes nine ways from Sunday, and pronounces that I don't have significant double vision problems. I be almost normal.

But, er, what about the wobbling when focusing on an object? There be very little evidence of that either. Definitely not the same as when I had my eye test.

Ok, what about when I'm looking at eg, a patch of gravel? It's all shimmery. Oh, that's a side effect of having prism in your prescription, didn't they warn you about it? er, no.

Wait a while to see the consultant. Hello Mr. consultant. He flicks thru my notes, and then tells me the tests I had done three years ago when all this eye stuff started was to check if I had multiple sclerosis. Excuse me! Er, no one told me that at the time.... er, did I pass?

He thinks whatever happened three years ago has in some way caused damage to my eye. I think he's also thinking this sudden jump in required prism is perhaps a re-occurrence, but he's not committing to saying it.
He makes reassuring noises that I don't have anything major to worry about, but come back in two months for more tests, or immediately if I feel something is going horrendously wrong.

Upshot is I feel slightly better, but also cautiously worried. What is said eyes really up to? Is Noah and his chum the whale going to release a single called blind C'riz you're all doooooomed?

blue valkyrie, your life force is running out

2011-04-15T00:11:00.000+01:00

And I'm all out of 10p's (clicky if you haven't a clue what I'm on about as usual)

Remember my earlier fear caused by 2 x Noah and the whale song plays on 2 consecutive days? Well now I'm definitely sure. We went to tescos this morning, walked in the door and, yep, it's Noah. Oooh, creepy!

Went to the garage tonight, on with the radio, Noah again! Add in that it's taken from the album "last night on earth" and it's a definite message aimed directly at me. Of course, it could be the whale that's out to get me and not Noah at all...

Saturday 10:15 am I am to see the eye man at the hospital. Anyone want to bet I get sent for a test and it comes back brain tumour? If you want first dibs on anything, I'd be making a list now...

Dreamer

2011-04-14T00:03:00.001+01:00

Sorry, more lazy blogging.

Ozzy Osbourne - Dreamer:

Hokay, Mr. Ozzy may not be the bestest singer in the history of the world, but I really like this one.

Is he sincere about wanting a better world? I'm not sure, but I'd like to believe it's something that could be achieved... I'm probably just a dreamer too...

Message on the radio

2011-04-12T22:46:00.003+01:00

Two days in a row now I've gone into my workshop fired up the radio, and it's played:

Noah and the whale - l.i.f.e.g.o.e.s.on

This could be a message. Life hasn't been great fun recently. I'm a sucker for spotting patterns that aren't really there and taking them as important.

It's a sort of ok song, but has a fatal flaw. The bit where he sings L I F E G O E S O N just doesn't work for me. I can't make the letters into words when I hear them. It's prolly not helped as I start hearing in my head F E E L I N G C A L L E D LOVE even though it's not remotely similar. Perhaps there's a battle going on in my mind between Noah and Jarvis, and Jarvis wins....

Assault at precinct 13

2011-04-11T00:43:00.003+01:00

Or who the hell is making noises outside my house at 12:30am?

So I went to investigate. And found a man, mid 20's, white, drunk/drugged/crazy/foreign. Said man is in the process of tearing up our plants in an attempt to make a 'nest'.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I shouted in my best not scared at all of the obviously crazy man voice.

Sleep! he says.
No! Go away! says I.
Sleep!
Go!
Sleep! Cold!
Go! police!

This goes on for a short while. Said man then decides the answer to everything has to be violence. Fortunately he is drunk/drugged and I'm stone cold sober. It's obvious he is going to attack.

I should point out I am the pacifistic type, but when he made his move the fight or flight primative part of my brain chose fight. Not much option with a closed gate behind me. His swing missed wildly, so I grabbed him by the neck, pushed him over the small wall and rammed his head into the privet hedge. This was all on autopilot, and over in an instant.

I'm then back in control, with the thought of great! I'm holding a drunken foreigner by the neck in a hedge. Now what clever clogs? What if he has a knife and remembers in a minute?

So I shove him more in a hedge direction, and do a runner behind the gate before him and his potential knife can get back up. He then tries kicking the gate / falling over. FOF kicks in again, I open the recycling bin, grab an empty dog food tin and throw it in his general direction. By pure luck it connects with his head, and he decides it's time for flight. He staggers away cursing in whatever his native language is.

I wait until he is a dot on the horizon and isn't coming back. I come inside and go all wobbly.

Seriously, I know from reading the S. Duck chronicles the protocol for sick in a hedge, but what should I really have done for forrins nesting in my hedge? What do I tell Ma Ma tomorrow when she spots plant damage? Argh.....

Art

2011-04-07T00:30:00.002+01:00

So I go to youtard to find something in my secret stash to lazy blog. but wait! it suggests I should watch this.. so I do... and then I share it with you:

PS.... in the unlikely event you're a visitor not from the land down under, you may find the language offensive.

Positive thinking

2011-04-05T23:19:00.003+01:00

I'm still concerned that when I go see the eye person he will go hmmmm, yes in my learned opinion you're going blind, any minute.... now!

The worst thing to me is what would happen to my cars if I had to stop driving? (I have four... One of them is legal and works.) I like my cars, hence why I keep the broken ones. It would make me very sad to lose them.

Ma ma tells me I should stop being negative, and the nice man will spot some easily corrected thing the optician missed. I hate optimists and their la la thinking. Why should nice things happen?

But I'm taking note, and being positive.... by buying parts for my cars. Think I'll wait to find out who is right before fitting them though.

Smashy. Nicey.

2011-04-02T00:15:00.002+01:00

Or the tale of the most pointless radio competition ever.

My local radio station has been running one of those promo competitions. Whoever answers the most questions correctly in 90 seconds wins the big prize, which is a weekend hotel break.
The pointless factor being it's a weekend at the holiday inn, Barnsley. So you win the chance to leave your home in Barnsley, and go have a nice weekend, er, in Barnsley.

The winner was announced today, mrs. woooooo I won!!!!! From Barnsley!!! Or to be more precise, Dodworth, Barnsley. For those who are not local, I will point out Dodworth is basically a small housing estate near the motorway. It has a chip shop, a nearby industrial estate, and also a small hotel.

Yes, you guessed it, the small hotel in Dodworth is the holiday inn. I bet the family was overjoyed to find out about their break, half a mile away from where they live all the freaking time.....