Subconscious

It's amazing the power of the mind. Last night I had no idea of what Howard Beaumont was playing.

I woke up this morning, and my first thoughts where "ebb tide". Tube of the U later, and I think my subconscious mind is correct. But where did it come from? I have no great knowledge of such things.

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Ma Ma also informs me that as idiot girl is off having a rite keg all weekend, and taking her dog, we are officially free to do something. Or to put it another way, Ma Ma wants a keg... But naturally has no idea what she wants to do. Suggestions welcome.

Go mind lazy blog:

whistlestop tour

Or what I learned on my day out...

Firstly, I am not a morning person. So getting up in the morning was lacking in the fun department. this was then compounded by walking to town. Mood further deteriorates 'cos my train is sat waiting, and a stupid woman in front of me is too busy trying to control her numerous offspring to get on with the bloody job of buying a ticket. We got on said train with seconds to spare. Phew!

We then get off at Wakefield a full 15 minutes later. It's a derelict post apocalyptic hell hole. Ma Ma tells me they've actually smartened it up since she was last here! We wait for 45 mins.

Oh look, another train. This one is ours, "The Scarborough Spa Express". The clue is in the smoke pouring out of the chimney. I get ready to take a trip back to the golden age of train travel.

Gold is slightly lacking.
I'm sure gold doesn't include a spring sticking right up your ~cough~ posterior. (That's what they said instead of arse in the olden days).
I go in search of coffee in the 'buffet car', but unfortunately it's not been invented yet in the steam age and I have to make do with brown rusty warm water instead.

We share our table with a bored young child. She has the resigned to doom look that only the offspring of a steam nut can have. Her father spends the entire journey not with her (I suspect hanging his head out of a window), returning only to collect her at the end (come on troll we're here).

We arrive at York, and bored child / absent parent is replaced by a steam bore and his mate alky idiot. Steam bore constantly tells steamy anecdotes that are very boring. Alky idiot drinks from a large bottle of mega strength tramp cider he's brought with him, presumably to attempt to escape into a fantasy world where he cannot hear steam bore. I look out the window.

We arrive in Scarborough. The sun is shining, there is the sea, what shall we do in this Mecca? Best make it quick as the train goes back in 3 hours time.... so we condense a day at the seaside... 5 minutes in the arcade.... ice cream.... walk on the beach.... look in shoppe.... 5 minutes at the spa.... walk over newly restored bridge.... and your times up!

We return to the train. Alky and boring don't. Yay! A full table to ourselves! We return home. the closer we get the darker it gets, and the intensity of the rain increases. But our spirit is not broken, for overall it's been better than staying at home and working.

It was also educational. We found out Scarborough people are weird. We went into a bakery. Four teacakes please? They gave us 4 current teacakes (with currents in them). No, plain teacakes plz? We got eye rolled, so obviously 'teacakes' means with currents there...


A lazy blog challenge. What is Howard Beaumont (the king of the keyboards) playing for us at the spa?



We are far away because we think he's not actually very good, and don't want to pay £6 for the privilege of listening to him close up.

Fortune told

By the talented Amanda Huggenkiss.

I went back to the bank for my 'investments review'.

Before I booked it I told them I wasn't interested in anything where I couldn't get my money out of it if I really really need to. EG if/when Idiot Girl cocks it up and needs another £14K bailout.

No problem sir, we can do that!

Fast forwards to today.

So how long am I looking at investing?
Er, short term, maybe 3 years?

Ok, well we've got this one. You put your money in, and can't get it back for 5 years. After 5 years you get a minimum of 12% return, and if the stock market has risen you get a bonus too! Isn't that great!

Er, no. No it's isn't. 5 years is longer than 3 years you see. And I can't get the money out if I need to. And if the stock market goes tits up like is is doing now your 12% is only 2% per year compounded. Have you got anything else?

We've got this one... ~shows paper~... Er, that's the same as the last one, but profit is linked to retail prices instead. Anything else?

Er, we've got both of them for 3 years and 9 months? Er, no.

Well, the best we can offer then is this post only bank account, that pays 2%. I'd move the money there as you're only getting 0.5% since we pulled a swifty with the interest rate.

I see... Thank you for your time... I think I may call in at the bank across the street who are offering 3.15% with no restrictions in the hope that they can pull a swifty and drop the rate later. Again, thank you!

Ooops! I SPICED it again

Time for another attempt at a S.P.I.C.E event.

The mission this time: Go to the park. Where they have segways. Experience the future of transportation.... or not given they're actually illegal to use on anything other than private land.

First challenge: Go to the park. Easy! Tap postcode in sat nav, drive!

Oh, there's a nice lady who wants £5.50 to park my car in her car park. I think I've discovered where the national trust gets all it's money from. She gives me a glossy leaflet, and the hard sell. If I join the national trust today not only will I get my £5.50 back, and not have to pay if I come again, but I can also have a free ticket to tonight's concert. Hmmmmm.... who is at said concert?
Ah.... headlined by 'level 42'. National trust membership £50. Er... no thank you.

Next challenge: Meet at the segway van in the centre of the park. Define centre? Said park has lots of trees, so visibility is less than 100 yards.

Eventually I stumble on said van, for my bonus challenge! The other spice people are there. For reasons unknown they assume I am the segway man. er, no, no I'm not. So plz to stop asking me questions.

The real segway man arrives soon after, on a segway. It is explained that you stand on it, and how to make it move. I miss a lot of the explaining, as I'm too busy struggling with the compulsory (too small) head protection. Curse my big head!

I climb aboard, and it wobbles around randomly in a quite alarming fashion. I'm suddenly 12 again on a skateboard going down a big hill and trying to remember how to stop. We are told to experiment in going about said field for about 3 minutes. I move in circles at 0.5 mph. This is not too bad....

Segway man says "follow me" and blasts off at 12mph flat out. Oh. I follow more slowly. Plz to not let it be me that crashes first...... and it isn't! MS. overconfident hits a post with it. Yay! I'm not the first to fail!

Five minutes later and I'm actually feeling a lot better. It's quite instinctive, basically lean the direction you want to go. The more you put your weight forwards the faster it goes. Simples!

Segway man (the bastard) decides to make it harder. Right turn into the woods. Lets off road! Try not to hit things! Bastard!

Confidence comes back after a while, which is a good thing as he's had the idea of going faster around all these trees. The woman I'm following (Rose) is obviously not too comfortable at speed, but is attempting to keep up with SMTB.
It all goes wrong in that slow motion fast sort of way when Rose drives into a bloody great big tree at warp factor 5. I get a prime view of her being thrown off, flying thru the air into spiky bushes. Fortunately I don't make things worse by running over her as well. I get off the damn thing and express concern for injury. Eventually SMTB realises two of his machines are missing, and returns to see if we have stolen them.
She has a rapidly swelling knee, and is in shock but bravely/stupidly gets back on. We continue at more sensible speeds for the remaining 30 mins.

Post segway comes the final challenge: Food + talking. Very hard!
Makes note to self if I'm going to do this sort of thing I need some 'interesting' stories of how brilliant I am, and all the places I've been if I am to fit in. Nah, bugger that! Accept me as who I am, or don't.

Overall SPICE score: Baby Spice.

Epilogue:
Next day my legs ache a lot. I email Rose to enquire about her health. The end.

Money

I got a phone call from the bank. Would I like to have a free savings review?

Yes, yes I would. Given you're the bank that likes to change the interest rate to 0.25% without telling people.

So I went to the bank. Hello, I'm here for a free savings review.
~Tappity~, er, no you're not. Computer says no. The nice lady phones round the other branches of the bank, and it turns out I'm supposed to be in one on the other side of town. That I never use. Ok...

Arrived at the correct branch. Hello the people who have my money! Come this way... I'll just print out what savings you have with us, and then we can discuss things. ~Printy Printy~

OMFG! You have money! Er, excuse me one moment!

She returns shortly with an older woman... Hello, my colleague tells me you have more than a shilling in accounts with us.... Do you really need all that money instantly available, or would you like to book an appointment for a free investments review?

So I'm going back next week for them to try and sell me other things instead.

It's very amusing watching them trying to link up the scruffy individual with the money in the accounts.

What do I do for a living?
Evilbay seller. I sell things on evilbay!
What sort of things?
Oh, stuff....
You must be very good at it?
No, not really.....

The thing they're missing, and are trying to work out is I'm not like normal people.
True, I have enough money saved to purchase a small house. But it's not because I make lots of money. In fact I earn less than half of the 'average' wage.

Anyone could be the same. Just modify your lifestyle to that of the 40 year old virgin living in your parent's basement. Don't borrow money, don't spend what you can't afford. Stay away from blonde bloggers with good sob stories. Don't 'lend' money to your Idiot sister.

Voila! You too will have money. And will also prolly be miserable most of the time.

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Lazy blog: double feature!
You can tell how old someone is by asking them which is the definitive version of this song:

The beatles?


Or flying lizards?


(I'm firmly with the lizards btw).
Anyone who goes for the Josie & the pussycats version should be killed.

Kegenomics

Idiot girl has returned from holiday with the rite keg krew. Sadly, it was all quite lacking in kegs.

Initial 'complaint' was her car used a bajillion gallons of fuel, and she wasn't expecting it to. To refresh memories, she has a kia picanto now. A small city car with a 1.1 litre engine. That is designed to be used in the city for short journeys. Ergo, they are low geared for rapid acceleration. What it definitely isn't is a long distance motorway cruiser.
I breifly drove it on the motorway fetching it back. It does 4000 rpm @ 65 mph. I guess if you drive @ 85 like idiot girl does it's probably bouncing off the rev limiter and screaming for death.

Also complained that it cost £6 a time per person to get a taxi for kegs. Er, a) next time don't get somewhere in the sticks and b) Tourist area, what do you expect?

She's also 'finished' with twonko #2. Quote "I told him, get the f*** out of my car and drove off". He's coming here this weekend for a full discussion about their future "but there isn't one"....

However, this is idiot girl..... it's over..... but.... she's going camping the week after for another rite keg. Twonko 2 is the one with the tent & camping stuff.... Zero points for guessing who she's going to go camping with...

Her elective surgery has been postponed. which means she has to go to work instead. This must have made her very sad, for tonight she tried to end it all by driving her horse into a tree. Sadly she's not hurt enough to be able to take time off work.

***************

In other news, now she's not going to be needing waiting on hand and foot following surgery, I am going to have a day off. I'm going to go on the Scarborough Spa Express. I suspect it wouldn't qualify as a keg on the idiot girl scale, but I think it will be jolly relaxing...

Old <> Worthless

I'm woken by loud mechanical tortured sounds. Something is very wrong. I follow the noise.

I find Ma Ma, and the washing machine emitting said noise. Ma Ma, what have you done to this lady?
Ma Ma says it's old, so perfectly fine to ignore that it sounds like it's about to explode. Wrong. Wrong to N decimal places. Turn it off, I will fix it later.

Later arrives. I am again told it's old (True, it says in proud letters 'made in great Britain'), and she intends to run it till it blows and then replace with a new machine. Er, no. I remove 3 screws and the lid comes off. Hmm, what do we have here?
There is a concrete block on the top of the drum housing, that then has springs attached to the machine body. Said block is secured by two nylock nuts, that are loose. I tighten the nuts, replace the lid and set it to megafastspin. Silence! My favourite kind of repair, the one that costs nothing.

There are other things that annoy related to this story.

Said machine is worked to death. This is because it's also doing all Idiot girl's washing too. Idiot Girl can wear 4 outfits per day, after all she doesn't have to wash them, or pay for electricity etc. Idiot Girl has a brand new never used washing machine & tumble drier of her very own. That a certain sucker had the 'fun' of fitting, routing waste pipes, putting holes in walls for etc. Too bone idle to use... So, given a) we're constantly doing her washing and b) we potentially needed a new machine, why was I wrong to suggest we go and take hers?

The other annoy is, Ma Ma flids out if a phone is left on charge. It's going to suddenly explode and burn the house down. But she sees nothing wrong in setting the washing machine going and buggering off out even though she knows it's been making 'death' noises for a while.

I think I know why I trust machines more than people....

Jerk it out

No, not an invitation. More a lazy blog:



Said engine in said vid is running on it's own oil and is thus attempting to kill the people who are trying to stop it. I must admit, if it was me I would run as far and as fast as possible and wait for the inevitable bang.

The closest I've come to engine disaster is when mate #2 bought an engine from a car that mate #1 had previously crashed. The parts damaged in the crash where replaced, and we had the bright idea of trying to see if it still ran before fitting it to his car. It was stood on the floor with a high tech house brick holding it upright. My spare gearbox was attached so the starter motor could be used.

It started straight away... unfortunately mate #2 forgot to check the timing was ok. It wasn't. Engine took off to silly rpm, then stopped suddenly. BANG! WHEEEEEEEE!

Engine stopping suddenly due to bending all the valves was too much for my poor gearbox. Something punched a hole in the casing, and went WHEEEEEEEEE! across the garden. Bye bye gearbox :(

Tell me your tales of seconds from disaster?

Double Strength

Observe:


Just in case you can't read the bad quality pic it says:

How to use double strength squash

Before Now use 1/2 as much

The small print above the bar code says "Brought to you by the stating the F'n obvious Co LTD".

You will note the pictorial representation as well as the words. This is for if Idiot Girl buys the product and needs a clue what half means...

Talking of which.... Idiot Girl has dumped the dog on us, and gone off for a rite keg with the rite keg krew for a week. They're driving as far south as it's possible to do without dropping into the ocean. Keg Kar #2 in said convoy is setting off without a spare wheel as getting it fixed will eat into drinking money. This can't possibly end badly at all can it?

When Idiot Girl gets back, she's back to work for a full day, and then goes for elective surgery, and fully intends to take a month off work as 'sick'. I think this qualifies as a great way of making sure she's kept in mind if any more downsizing is required, non?

Other than that, there is no, I repeat no excitement at all here. Move along plz...

Red shirt diaries

Last Tuesday evening, 11:30pm I got a phone call. From Aunt "big mouth likes to be centre of attention". She tells me Uncle "Everyone hates" is in hospital and may not have long left, in fact he's about to shuffle off any minute.. now. And she will be sure to phone everyone she knows just as soon as there's a hint of news...

The next day:
Shazza (aka ABMLTBCOA) phones again. UEH's been for a brain scan 5 whole minutes ago, and it's TEH BRAIN CANCER! OMFG! Because he's the man with the important job of keeping the Vatican's condom machine topped up he's to be RUSHED at WARP FACTOR 9.8 to a top surgeon who will be operating within the hour! Don't change the dial, for updates will come in very shortly.

Two and a half days later:
Shazza again. Er, he's not dead yet. But it is TEH BRAIN CANCER. And he'll be on chemo within the next week or two, as the top surgeon was busy playing golf... yes, that was it... I didn't make bits up to look important. Honest... cough, mumble, got to go....

While all this is going on, Ma ma has talked to other people who Shazza is likely to have phoned. Yes, they too have been phoned, and been told DEATH IS IMMINENT!
Unfortunately, some of them did a bit more thorough job of checking facts, and discovered he's been in hospital for 2 weeks because of out of control diabetes. As he's already at minus 1 kidney due to being a crap diabetic this is not much of a surprise. Otherwise he's the same PITA and isn't likely to shuffle off in the near future at all.

So, er, why is Shazza making all this crap up? WTF is going on? When will we get another phone call full of lies? Answers on a postcard plz...

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Red shirt diaries: The daily adventures of a group of red shirt wearing star trek crew members. Not filmed as they where all killed off within the first week of planet fall.