Amazing horse

I've just lost playing HORSE.. so have this:



Well I enjoyed it! Sorry!

The gambler

I've been doing it wrong.....

Acharya Gautam Mohan recently wrote to me to say:

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Not just any astrology, or even Astrology with a big A, but Cricket Astrology!

Not sure how exactly it works, spot stars that look a bit wicket-y in a southern direction = Australia takes the ashes??

Sadly I think it's possibly too complicated for me, what with it being cloudy a lot, and light pollution from the new college building.

Oh, and bonus lazy blog. I had Kenny on the tube of U, and just placed 2nd out of 53. It can't be a coincidence, I'm usually crap at poker.

Horse sense

So I went to York for the (not baby) SPICE thing.

It started badly. I'm in York, so go to the railway museum. Where the car park ticket machine steals £3 and gives me no ticket. Nice! I then get to walk a bajillion miles 'cos the entrance next to the car park is closed. I get inside, and the coffee shoppe with the muffins to die for has sold them all. This is not going too well....

Came out to go to the racecourse. Mega traffic jam as some idiot has only gone and crashed on the busiest roundabout and rather than move their mildly damaged cars they do the idiot thing and block the bloody road to wait for pc 49 to arrive and tell them to move the bloody things.

I'm then involved with a collision between my wing mirror and an illegally parked van's mirror whilst trying to avoid killing to death a loon on a bike who thinks cutting in front of my 4x4 is a good idea. My mirror is undamaged, bugger this for a game of soldiers.. keep going and pretend I know nothing... and hit the next fool on a bike.

Got to the racecourse and eventually made my way inside. Hmm, the instructions say to meet at the Rodriguez pavilion... only one slight tiny snag..... there is no such place. There is a Rodriguez bar, so I figure that'll be close enough. Success! Someone else with a SPICE letter in their hand looking confused. Eventually we all meet up. I do my usual pathetically bad attempt at interacting.

It's preying on my tiny mind that Idiot Girl could be lurking anywhere, as it turns out there's a bar every 10 yards. So I sent her a text "have you won anything?", hoping she would give away her position so I could avoid it. Several more messages are exchanged, but I learn nothing.

I send a final message "won nothing all night, Blondie best be good!" 5 minutes later I get a reply "R U @ Races?????" Awesome powers of deduction Idiot Girl has.....

Blondie isn't too bad as long as she sticks to the greatest hits collection. When she goes for "this is a new song from our new album" it's sadly rather rubbish.

The night is finished. Apart from the hour to get out of the car park, as 6 lanes of traffic all try to force their way thru the 1 car wide gateway.

Overall it wasn't totally awful, but I don't think it's something I would like to do again. Way too many drunken idiots for my liking. No wonder idiot Girl likes it...

I'm not giving up on the SPICE thing quite yet. I've even selected my next mission, which be "Day in the park. With segways."

Heart of glass

Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass.

I am to embark on a journey into terror. I have booked an event with the SPICE people.

Date: Friday evening.
Place: York racecourse.
Doing: Socialise. Watch donkeys race. Afterwards 'concert' by Ms. D. Harry.
Dress code: Smart casual. Dream on dead guys!

If that wasn't frightening enough in itself, Ma Ma informs me Idiot Girl is going racing with the 'rite keg krew' soon.
Nah, it won't be...... but just in case, er, ask her when / where will you?

Yes, it bloody is! Idiot Girl and her spacker friends are only going to the very same event. Fear rating has moved to defcon one. Repeat, we are at defcon one! Full fear arsenal ready for deployment.

Fortunately Ma Ma had the sense not to tell Idiot Girl I am going too. No doubt she will be propping up the bar as no 'rite keg' is complete without excessive drunkenness. So if I avoid the bars I should avoid her.

I also have my own ticket, and a rendezvous point. So in theory if I spot the SPICE people, and they are obvious mongs, I can avoid them too and enjoy my own company. God, it sounds awful doesn't it?

On the bright side, as I am in York I may as well go early and visit the national rail museum. Yay for trains!



Oh, and can you find a link between Blondie and horse racing? Me neither.....

Top tips on how to behave at horse racing with a group of strangers and fear of the idiot girl are welcome...

D is for

Dentist.

I possibly have my check up tomorrow. Only possibly as the dentist has a habit of cancelling with 20 minutes notice, which hardly appears fair as they demand 3 days notice from me.

I'm not over keen on said profession, as even if they don't want to drill holes in my head it still ends up being moderately miserable.

There's the obligatory health nazi part, where you are told to stop eating anything remotely nice, and to spend a small African nation's budget on tooth related products.

My dentist also has 'a thing' about toothpaste.
Which do I use?
The sensodyne one...
Why? Do you have sensitive teeth?
No..
So why do you use that one?
'Cos I do have if I stop using it....

She then sends her assistant away to look up the specifications, before grudgingly accepting that it will clean teeth.

It could be worse... I could be idiot girl who doesn't get her teeth checked 'cos it's 'too expensive', but pays £80 for 'teeth whitening' instead.

Number Thirty Seven

in an occasional series...



Ma Ma points at a Rolls Royce avon gas turbine circa 1953.

I did have a period where she was conned into pointing at lots of things. Today we went to the Kelham island museum, and it felt appropriate to restart the pointing.

They also have this: The river Don engine.



It is what you could technically describe as a bloody massive steam engine. Built to roll steel plate, it produced 12,000 HP. One suspects they run it with just enough steam to make it move now, as without a load it would prolly shake the building apart.

Tired

Idiot Girl is wearing me down again.

First problem is she wants some ZOMG!!! illegal mega bright light bulbs fitting to her car. The exact same ones she left in her old car. But no problem, I can drive to the store to buy them, Ma Ma can pay for them (£26), and then I can fit them.

So I read the manual for the car. How to change headlight bulb:
Open bonnet.
Remove rubber cover from headlight.
Disconnect wiring plug.
Change bulb. Refitting is reverse of removal.

This is a load of fetid dingo's kidneys! Said car is built in Korea, and I suspect they use small children to fit the headlights. There is exactly 2 inches of space behind the headlight. Surrounded by sharp metal objects. I have large hands. Large hands that now resemble a relief map of the moon. A bleeding gouged oily moon. 45 minutes to change 2 bulbs!

She then wears me down by remote control. This weekends KEG is she's going camping. The weather is forecast to be solid rain. Perchance this is not one of her better plans.

The first phone call is she wants cool box packs. To freeze for the morning. The house is turned upside down looking for them. They're not in the cool box. Or anywhere else. Several hours later Ma Ma remembers she lent them to Idiot Girl last time she had similar stupid ideas and they never came back. (Idiot Girl like to borrow other people's things and destroy / lose/ throw them away).

The phone rings again. Idiot girl wants cooking oil. To cook outside her tent in the pouring rain.

Ma Ma finds a bottle of cooking oil. Ma Ma decides to put a small quantity in a small bottle. Ma Ma dicks around trying to dry the inside of the bottle with a towel. Ma Ma, stop dicking around, there is <2ml of moisture in there, it's not going to harm the oil. Ma Ma ignores me and continues to dick around.

Ma ma adds the oil. The oil now has floating bits of towel in it. throw it away and start again. No! Ma Ma must dick around some more!

Tea strainer! That won't work Ma Ma, too big holes! Dick Dick!
Coffee filter! Too small holes, it will take all night! Dick Dick!
Paper towel!
2 layers of paper towel!
etc etc.

30 minutes later I am losing the will to live. Get in my car, I will take you to the shop to buy new oil for Idiot Girl to cook in the rain! No! I want to annoy you more!

And RELAX.

My only hope is Idiot girl decides to cook inside the tent to avoid the rain, burns the sodding thing to the ground and never goes camping again! That or I have got a brain tumour.

Save Ferris

Lazy blog: Oh yeah!


Audience participation... Which Ferris Bueller's day off character do you empathise with?

Wine

Tell me about it plz.

I know it comes in red or white, and there's one that's called white ~something~ that's actually pink instead. This ends my knowledge.

I want to send someone in NZ said fermented stuff in a present sort of way. No, I don't know what they like. No, I can't ask them.

So, er, my sophisticated dear reader, what would you suggest that is a) unlikely to offend the average person, and b) not hugely expensive. I thank you!

Idiot girl logic

You know, the opposite of everyone else.

Idiot Girl has new car. IG must show it off to everyone and so insures both cars. Old one temporary @ £28 for 5 days. I am then instructed to list old car on ebay for a 7 day auction. Can you spot the flaw here?

Yes, 5 days later it's still sat in the street unsold. £28 more for another 5 days... 2 days later it 'sells' to an idiot with no money and no intention of paying. Idiot Girl goes batshit mental, and very sweary. She's not paying to insure it. Why does this happen to me? (er, that's why you was told not to insure both at once).

She commands that we sell the ##### on ebay, £1000 buy it now. Said car is worth in the region of £1800. well would be if it wasn't IG part destroyed. I ignore her stupid instructions, and list it at £1500 or best offer. The phone goes red hot with mouth breathing morons.

2 hours later it's sold to a Polish man who forgot to bring his guide dog for £1375. Idiot Girl then starts moaning that it was worth a lot more and how cruel the world is to her.
Er, you got £375 more than you told me to sell it for. It is gone and not costing money. WTF is wrong with your brain? You can't have a quick sale & top price at the same time!

For added giggles I worked out what she has spent buying cars, minus what she got back selling the wrecked remains. 9 years driving. 5 cars. £9325 spent. No wonder she's got no money. £1000 per year just to buy & destroy cars!

Life in a northern town

Anyone miss me? Yes, every bullet so far etc.

I had Sunday off. Which means I've been working like a madman to try and catch up, and been too knackered to blog.

My day off was, on the whole, awesome. Ma Ma accompanied me to sunny Whitby. For extra giggle points we went on a coach trip. A lot cheaper than taking my car, and in theory more stress free.

We got on the bus, and it headed onto the motorway. No ankle biters! This is awesome! Er, why are we turning onto the M62? Bus driver, you're going the wrong way!!!!
Turns out bus is going to Bradford to a)collect more people, and b) sit around for 30 mins, thus adding an hour to the journey. Boo!

Eventually we arrived at Whitby. 5 hours to entertain ourselves in any way we wish.

1) Visit chip shoppe. Cod + chips plz!
2) Visit ice cream shop. (did I mention it was a rare blazing hot day?)
3) Go to glass shop. Buy Ma Ma glass things.
4) Elizabeth the steam bus ride! Ok, so this is why I actually wanted to go there in the first place.
5) Salvation army book sale. Buy books.
6) Moar ice cream.
7) Walk along beach in sunshine.
8) Sandwiches. (without sand).

Get back on bus of doom for home. Take photos of ICBM detecting military installation on way back. Don't get arrested / shot.

So all in all a good day. Will do the POIDH when photo machine wants to play.

As tis now Thursday, I'll leave this here:
Dream academy - Life in a northern town

Bad name corner

One of my customers today was a mr. Trevor Watts.

Personally, if that was my name, and I wanted to shorten it a bit to use as my email address, I wouldn't abbreviate "Trevor". Or is it just me?